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Topic : We Disagree On Punishment

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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:51:36 pm
Author : dataimport
"My husband is a spanker, but I don't believe in hitting my child." "My son knows he can run to my wife when I've told him no." Does this sound familiar? Tell us your story.

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miekje
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May 24, 2007, 1:11 am PDT

We Disagree On Punishment

Quote From: rshelton

My 4 year old son is a horrible whiner.  The problem is he only whines 'for us'.  When he is at our friends, he doesn't whine, he uses his big boy voice.  My husband and I disagree and have our differences on how to raise our children.  He wants to baby them and not allow them to grow up.  He still wants to rock our 4 year old to bed at night or allow them to make a choice 'movie or book'.  Me being a teacher, you know I don't give a choice!  BOOK!!  I feel that this whining is coming from daddy spoiling him and now I don't know how to stop it.  Any advice??

if your husband likes to keep him small, he's more likely to get something from your husband when he's using his 'baby voice' or whining. you can stop this whining, but it would be best if you both agree to stopping it. how you do it isn't that hard. you just don't respond to his whining. if he whines, you say i can't understand you, you have to talk normally, you say that once, or in the beginning maybe twice, and then wait for him to ask it normally. if he doesn't get anything anymore when he whines, and he does if he asks normally he will start to talk normally. but if he can still whine with his father, the behaviour will be difficult to unlearn, because it became a habit. i would try to talk to your husband about raising kids, maybe making some compromises, like he has to be read a book at night, but we will rock him to sleep or something like that.

hope it helps
 
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miekje
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May 24, 2007, 1:14 am PDT

We Disagree On Punishment

Quote From: ending

 Thank you for your reply some times its just hard try to see the answrs if your in the mix of all the mess.

I felt able to talk to my mother but that really did not have the out come I hoped for, she does not think Im doing this for the best interests for owen- I have explained that they can both if they want to see owen but will not be allowed alone time with him, until I feel owen is ok and my dad has got some help.

I have had to explain to his playschool staff what had happened as they noticed the marks and I am now waiting for children services to contact me as they have informed them, it just gets better and better

i think that would be a very good solution, i wouldn't let them alone with owen, but i would let them see him. if you can't talk to your parents very well, or if you get misunderstandings, just write them an email or a letter. make sure you write a very clear letter, so maybe you'll have to write it four times or something, so there won't be any misunderstandings.

 

for the children services thing: good luck
 
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h_driver
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May 24, 2007, 10:03 am PDT

We Disagree On Punishment

My problem is somewhat complex, so bear with me.    Five years ago, while my husband was going through his divorce and seperation, through events that had occurred in his marriage, he was granted temporary custody of his two daughters by Children's Sevices.   The girls were 2 and 4 at the time, and were placed under a protective order by the county DSS.  We had flirted at work, and dated for a little while before all of this happened, so when he found himself with the responsibility of taking care of two girls, he asked for my help.   We both worked nights at the time, but he had switched his schedule to a mid-shift, so that he could get day-care for them.   I stayed with him on the days I worked, and eventually we grew closer, and I got pregnant, at which time I moved in full time.  The divorce process took roughly 2 and a half years, by the time the divorce was finalized I was actually Pregnant again.   Long story sort of shorter, the protection order stayed in place as well.  We were battling not only his EX, but also her parents, and they loved to drag us back to court everytime they did not get exactly what they wanted.  We finially decided the only way to end the madness was to move from Wisconsin to Maryland where my husband had family that he could lean on. The judge hear granted us the right to move, so we did.   But ot didn't end there, the three of them, (His Ex and her parents) followed us there.   We fought for another year in the courts in Maryland, and my husband was granted 100 percent custody.   But the mother still has supervised visits with the girls on holidays and durring the summer.   Her Parents are the ones that are to supervise her.

             Now, to the problem, because of the intervention of Child Services in the past, and the continued threats of more to come, my husband refuses to disipline the girls at all, while he feels nothing about disiplining our son or daughter that are ours together.   Sometimes I fear that the anger and frustration he feels toward his girls are being leashed on my son and daughter, which really isn't fair.     He doesn't hit them or anything, but he does yell quite a bit at them.  (my son is 4 and my daughter is 3)   And he chastises me for not being as close to the girls as I am to my other two.  I have tried to explain that there is a difference between them becasue I did not give birth to his girls.  He says that shouldn't matter, but I don't know how to explain it to him......it is different.

      Am I being too hard on the girls while to lienient to my son and daughter? O don't think so, but he does... we are stuck. should I just leave the disiplining for the girls to my husband and he leave the disipline of my son and daughter to me?

 

         PLEASE HELP!
 
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miekje
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May 25, 2007, 12:26 am PDT

We Disagree On Punishment

Quote From: h_driver

My problem is somewhat complex, so bear with me.    Five years ago, while my husband was going through his divorce and seperation, through events that had occurred in his marriage, he was granted temporary custody of his two daughters by Children's Sevices.   The girls were 2 and 4 at the time, and were placed under a protective order by the county DSS.  We had flirted at work, and dated for a little while before all of this happened, so when he found himself with the responsibility of taking care of two girls, he asked for my help.   We both worked nights at the time, but he had switched his schedule to a mid-shift, so that he could get day-care for them.   I stayed with him on the days I worked, and eventually we grew closer, and I got pregnant, at which time I moved in full time.  The divorce process took roughly 2 and a half years, by the time the divorce was finalized I was actually Pregnant again.   Long story sort of shorter, the protection order stayed in place as well.  We were battling not only his EX, but also her parents, and they loved to drag us back to court everytime they did not get exactly what they wanted.  We finially decided the only way to end the madness was to move from Wisconsin to Maryland where my husband had family that he could lean on. The judge hear granted us the right to move, so we did.   But ot didn't end there, the three of them, (His Ex and her parents) followed us there.   We fought for another year in the courts in Maryland, and my husband was granted 100 percent custody.   But the mother still has supervised visits with the girls on holidays and durring the summer.   Her Parents are the ones that are to supervise her.

             Now, to the problem, because of the intervention of Child Services in the past, and the continued threats of more to come, my husband refuses to disipline the girls at all, while he feels nothing about disiplining our son or daughter that are ours together.   Sometimes I fear that the anger and frustration he feels toward his girls are being leashed on my son and daughter, which really isn't fair.     He doesn't hit them or anything, but he does yell quite a bit at them.  (my son is 4 and my daughter is 3)   And he chastises me for not being as close to the girls as I am to my other two.  I have tried to explain that there is a difference between them becasue I did not give birth to his girls.  He says that shouldn't matter, but I don't know how to explain it to him......it is different.

      Am I being too hard on the girls while to lienient to my son and daughter? O don't think so, but he does... we are stuck. should I just leave the disiplining for the girls to my husband and he leave the disipline of my son and daughter to me?

 

         PLEASE HELP!

i don't know if you're being too hard on those girls, i'd think not. he would like for you to be as close to his girls as you are to your kids, and treat them the same, doesn't he? if so, you have to discipline them the same way. i think that he will have to discipline his girls too, he is their father. he can't favor them above your children, or your children abovve his. you discipline a kid out of love too. to make sure that they act normally, so they can have a normal live later on. a spoiled kid will have problems in his or her life later. so a good adapted happy kid, has to be disciplined.

i think you should sit down with your husband, and talk about how you will treat the girls. and what you will both do regarding discipline. i think you have to get on one line, and decide that you will discipline his girls, and your kids just as much. maybe it will mean your kids will be allowed more, i don't know. just sit down, want treating kids differently in the same family isn't good for the kids.
 
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jaimie1974
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May 26, 2007, 12:41 pm PDT

complex

Quote From: h_driver

My problem is somewhat complex, so bear with me.    Five years ago, while my husband was going through his divorce and seperation, through events that had occurred in his marriage, he was granted temporary custody of his two daughters by Children's Sevices.   The girls were 2 and 4 at the time, and were placed under a protective order by the county DSS.  We had flirted at work, and dated for a little while before all of this happened, so when he found himself with the responsibility of taking care of two girls, he asked for my help.   We both worked nights at the time, but he had switched his schedule to a mid-shift, so that he could get day-care for them.   I stayed with him on the days I worked, and eventually we grew closer, and I got pregnant, at which time I moved in full time.  The divorce process took roughly 2 and a half years, by the time the divorce was finalized I was actually Pregnant again.   Long story sort of shorter, the protection order stayed in place as well.  We were battling not only his EX, but also her parents, and they loved to drag us back to court everytime they did not get exactly what they wanted.  We finially decided the only way to end the madness was to move from Wisconsin to Maryland where my husband had family that he could lean on. The judge hear granted us the right to move, so we did.   But ot didn't end there, the three of them, (His Ex and her parents) followed us there.   We fought for another year in the courts in Maryland, and my husband was granted 100 percent custody.   But the mother still has supervised visits with the girls on holidays and durring the summer.   Her Parents are the ones that are to supervise her.

             Now, to the problem, because of the intervention of Child Services in the past, and the continued threats of more to come, my husband refuses to disipline the girls at all, while he feels nothing about disiplining our son or daughter that are ours together.   Sometimes I fear that the anger and frustration he feels toward his girls are being leashed on my son and daughter, which really isn't fair.     He doesn't hit them or anything, but he does yell quite a bit at them.  (my son is 4 and my daughter is 3)   And he chastises me for not being as close to the girls as I am to my other two.  I have tried to explain that there is a difference between them becasue I did not give birth to his girls.  He says that shouldn't matter, but I don't know how to explain it to him......it is different.

      Am I being too hard on the girls while to lienient to my son and daughter? O don't think so, but he does... we are stuck. should I just leave the disiplining for the girls to my husband and he leave the disipline of my son and daughter to me?

 

         PLEASE HELP!

Has your husband actually said that the reason he doesn’t discipline is because of threats regarding child services? That just doesn’t make sense to me. Being an outsider, reading your post, it seems like your husband is taking the convenient path. It is more convenient to not dicipline, and using child services as an excuse is convenient, too. But it is a recipe for disaster. These children being raised with no discipline/guidance will lead to a sense of entitlement and the belief that they do nothing wrong. They will go out into the world and they will fall on their faces; that isn’t what you or your husband want for them! You want to raise self confident people who will contribute positively to society; to do that, they need to have firm rules/boundaries and parents who enforce them. There is nothing abusive about it. Discipline doesn’t have to be abuse, either- you and your husband can create a reasonable set of rules for the kids and agree on what the consequences will be if they aren’t followed, then you’ve got to back one another up.

I don’t think that having only you discipline the younger two and him the older two is a good solution, because it divides your home. You all need a sense of unity. You need a communal sense of respect. A suggestion I have is to have a talk with your husband about what rules you are going to set and enforce, and then have a family meeting with all the children, explain that from this day forward you expect “X, Y and Z…” from them, and explain what the consequences will be if they don’t follow the rules. Try to make it straight forward; you are the parents, you are running the place. Offer to be flexible with them if there are special events, etc., that might interfere with chores, etc.- but that you expect them to be flexible, too. Best wishes!
 
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h_driver
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May 28, 2007, 1:48 pm PDT

Thanks for the Advice

Quote From: jaimie1974

Has your husband actually said that the reason he doesnt discipline is because of threats regarding child services? That just doesnt make sense to me. Being an outsider, reading your post, it seems like your husband is taking the convenient path. It is more convenient to not dicipline, and using child services as an excuse is convenient, too. But it is a recipe for disaster. These children being raised with no discipline/guidance will lead to a sense of entitlement and the belief that they do nothing wrong. They will go out into the world and they will fall on their faces; that isnt what you or your husband want for them! You want to raise self confident people who will contribute positively to society; to do that, they need to have firm rules/boundaries and parents who enforce them. There is nothing abusive about it. Discipline doesnt have to be abuse, either- you and your husband can create a reasonable set of rules for the kids and agree on what the consequences will be if they arent followed, then youve got to back one another up.

I dont think that having only you discipline the younger two and him the older two is a good solution, because it divides your home. You all need a sense of unity. You need a communal sense of respect. A suggestion I have is to have a talk with your husband about what rules you are going to set and enforce, and then have a family meeting with all the children, explain that from this day forward you expect X, Y and Z from them, and explain what the consequences will be if they dont follow the rules. Try to make it straight forward; you are the parents, you are running the place. Offer to be flexible with them if there are special events, etc., that might interfere with chores, etc.- but that you expect them to be flexible, too. Best wishes!

I have sat down over the weekend and talk to my hubby.  He said he is going to try to work on disiplining the girls more.

 

Here's Hoping that things improve!
 
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kmo_511
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June 1, 2007, 8:27 pm PDT

Down the drain!

I am a stay at home mom with a 1 year old boy.  It seems like when my husband comes home he undoes the rules I finally have taught our son.  I don't want him standing in the bathtub, but when daddy bathes him he gets to stand as much as he wants.  I don't want him touching the potted plants on our shelf.  Daddy lets him touch, pat, and anything else he wants to as long as he does not pull them off the shelf.  I don't want him rolling over when I am trying to change his diaper, when daddy changes him he gets to stand with his bottom half naked and daddy tries to put the diaper on while he stands.  I love that my husband helps me out so much when he gets home but I really want to enforce the same rules together so that I am not always the bad guy.  Most of the rules I have are for my son's safety but when I say that my husband takes it like I am saying he does not think about our son's safety.  I do not want to criticize because he is such a big help but I also want my son to listen to both of us and also to learn to remember the rules I have set.  My son is so good at listening to most things I have told him over and over "sit on your buns" "don't touch the plants" "lay on your back while mommy changes you", etc...  He does what I say with those things.  Because he's so good at it, I want to continue with the same rules no matter who is with him.  Any advice?  I want to show my husband I appreciate what he does to help but I also want my rules to be followed at all times when it comes to things that could end up hurting our boy.

 

Thanks!

Katie
 
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miekje
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June 2, 2007, 12:49 pm PDT

We Disagree On Punishment

Quote From: kmo_511

I am a stay at home mom with a 1 year old boy.  It seems like when my husband comes home he undoes the rules I finally have taught our son.  I don't want him standing in the bathtub, but when daddy bathes him he gets to stand as much as he wants.  I don't want him touching the potted plants on our shelf.  Daddy lets him touch, pat, and anything else he wants to as long as he does not pull them off the shelf.  I don't want him rolling over when I am trying to change his diaper, when daddy changes him he gets to stand with his bottom half naked and daddy tries to put the diaper on while he stands.  I love that my husband helps me out so much when he gets home but I really want to enforce the same rules together so that I am not always the bad guy.  Most of the rules I have are for my son's safety but when I say that my husband takes it like I am saying he does not think about our son's safety.  I do not want to criticize because he is such a big help but I also want my son to listen to both of us and also to learn to remember the rules I have set.  My son is so good at listening to most things I have told him over and over "sit on your buns" "don't touch the plants" "lay on your back while mommy changes you", etc...  He does what I say with those things.  Because he's so good at it, I want to continue with the same rules no matter who is with him.  Any advice?  I want to show my husband I appreciate what he does to help but I also want my rules to be followed at all times when it comes to things that could end up hurting our boy.

 

Thanks!

Katie

you could talk to your husband again, and change some of your rules to his, and let him change some of his rules to yours. like standing in the bathtub, it might not be totally safe, but when you're with him, you'll catch him when he slips, and i assume you are with you kid when he bathes at this age. the plants you could leave your  way, cause besides the fact that it is dangerous if he plays with the plants, plants grow better when they aren't patted and fussed with to much, so if you want to keep them nice, don;t touch them to much. you could do it like this, maybe there are some rules you've come up with to protect your son, while the thing might not be that dangerous at all. like this, you can keep some of your rules, but also let oyur husband know, that you appreciate his help, and that you don't want to say that he isn't taking care of your son the right way.

 

to anyone else who comes into your home, you will of course have to explain the rules, and tell them for example, that they can't leave your kid alone when he's in the bathtub, because he might slip.

 

i hope this helps
 
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jaimie1974
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June 2, 2007, 2:57 pm PDT

Appreciation

Quote From: kmo_511

I am a stay at home mom with a 1 year old boy.  It seems like when my husband comes home he undoes the rules I finally have taught our son.  I don't want him standing in the bathtub, but when daddy bathes him he gets to stand as much as he wants.  I don't want him touching the potted plants on our shelf.  Daddy lets him touch, pat, and anything else he wants to as long as he does not pull them off the shelf.  I don't want him rolling over when I am trying to change his diaper, when daddy changes him he gets to stand with his bottom half naked and daddy tries to put the diaper on while he stands.  I love that my husband helps me out so much when he gets home but I really want to enforce the same rules together so that I am not always the bad guy.  Most of the rules I have are for my son's safety but when I say that my husband takes it like I am saying he does not think about our son's safety.  I do not want to criticize because he is such a big help but I also want my son to listen to both of us and also to learn to remember the rules I have set.  My son is so good at listening to most things I have told him over and over "sit on your buns" "don't touch the plants" "lay on your back while mommy changes you", etc...  He does what I say with those things.  Because he's so good at it, I want to continue with the same rules no matter who is with him.  Any advice?  I want to show my husband I appreciate what he does to help but I also want my rules to be followed at all times when it comes to things that could end up hurting our boy.

 

Thanks!

Katie

 It is understandable that you are worried about your son's safety, it just sounds like Dad is more lenient than you are- not less worried about the child's safety. The things that you mention are really small things; my advice to you is to put your focus and energy onto the "big" issues- not a bunch of small ones. As time goes on, and your child grows older, you and your husband will have to get on the same page as far as dicipline goes otherwise the child will learn how to work you against one another- hard to believe, I know- but they do it!
 
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dawnlorne01
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June 15, 2007, 12:59 pm PDT

Husband and I DISAGREE

My husband and I disagree on disipline with our 15 year old boy.  My teen is not a bad a bad kid at all.  He maintains a 3.0 GPA and is involved in JROTC in high school.  We also have an 8 year old boy, that is a very good kid as well and does very well in school. A matter of fact he is currently being tested for the gifted program.  I feel children should be rewarded for things done good.  My husband feels rewarding them will turn them soft and they will stop trying.  So, the only words or emotion my 15 yr old gets from his father is negative on every little thing done wrong or a mistake that has been made.  Yes my son is a typical 15 year old trys to sneak out of house, occasionally gets C's or below on report cards, not doing his chores etc...  My husband like to use the words " I DONT CARE WHAT YOU THINK" " YOU ARE 15, YOU DONT HAVE AN OPINION"  Otherwords, he does not believe in PRAISE or LISTENING.  On the other hand, I am the SOFT parent.  I feel my teen should have a teen social life, as long as he gets an education first.  I am mre relaxed on things he wants to do, curfues, etc....I feel mistakes are to be spoken about and a possiable grounding ( 1 week or so) My husband like to ground for MONTHS.  My teen will not speak to his father, he is afraid of being yelled at or put down..which results in him being grounded.  My husband and I are very busy people.  I have a full time job and we own our own company.  My teen has inherited playing father to  his little brother.  HE helps out tremendously....without him I would be lost.  So I try to give him time to be a teenager.  My husband and I fight frequently on this situationa and I turn to you for some advice.
Thank you
D
 
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