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Topic : We Disagree On Punishment

Number of Replies: 185
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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:51:36 pm
Author : dataimport
"My husband is a spanker, but I don't believe in hitting my child." "My son knows he can run to my wife when I've told him no." Does this sound familiar? Tell us your story.

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June 1, 2007, 8:27 pm CDT

Down the drain!

I am a stay at home mom with a 1 year old boy.  It seems like when my husband comes home he undoes the rules I finally have taught our son.  I don't want him standing in the bathtub, but when daddy bathes him he gets to stand as much as he wants.  I don't want him touching the potted plants on our shelf.  Daddy lets him touch, pat, and anything else he wants to as long as he does not pull them off the shelf.  I don't want him rolling over when I am trying to change his diaper, when daddy changes him he gets to stand with his bottom half naked and daddy tries to put the diaper on while he stands.  I love that my husband helps me out so much when he gets home but I really want to enforce the same rules together so that I am not always the bad guy.  Most of the rules I have are for my son's safety but when I say that my husband takes it like I am saying he does not think about our son's safety.  I do not want to criticize because he is such a big help but I also want my son to listen to both of us and also to learn to remember the rules I have set.  My son is so good at listening to most things I have told him over and over "sit on your buns" "don't touch the plants" "lay on your back while mommy changes you", etc...  He does what I say with those things.  Because he's so good at it, I want to continue with the same rules no matter who is with him.  Any advice?  I want to show my husband I appreciate what he does to help but I also want my rules to be followed at all times when it comes to things that could end up hurting our boy.

 

Thanks!

Katie

 
June 2, 2007, 12:49 pm CDT

We Disagree On Punishment

Quote From: kmo_511

I am a stay at home mom with a 1 year old boy.  It seems like when my husband comes home he undoes the rules I finally have taught our son.  I don't want him standing in the bathtub, but when daddy bathes him he gets to stand as much as he wants.  I don't want him touching the potted plants on our shelf.  Daddy lets him touch, pat, and anything else he wants to as long as he does not pull them off the shelf.  I don't want him rolling over when I am trying to change his diaper, when daddy changes him he gets to stand with his bottom half naked and daddy tries to put the diaper on while he stands.  I love that my husband helps me out so much when he gets home but I really want to enforce the same rules together so that I am not always the bad guy.  Most of the rules I have are for my son's safety but when I say that my husband takes it like I am saying he does not think about our son's safety.  I do not want to criticize because he is such a big help but I also want my son to listen to both of us and also to learn to remember the rules I have set.  My son is so good at listening to most things I have told him over and over "sit on your buns" "don't touch the plants" "lay on your back while mommy changes you", etc...  He does what I say with those things.  Because he's so good at it, I want to continue with the same rules no matter who is with him.  Any advice?  I want to show my husband I appreciate what he does to help but I also want my rules to be followed at all times when it comes to things that could end up hurting our boy.

 

Thanks!

Katie

you could talk to your husband again, and change some of your rules to his, and let him change some of his rules to yours. like standing in the bathtub, it might not be totally safe, but when you're with him, you'll catch him when he slips, and i assume you are with you kid when he bathes at this age. the plants you could leave your  way, cause besides the fact that it is dangerous if he plays with the plants, plants grow better when they aren't patted and fussed with to much, so if you want to keep them nice, don;t touch them to much. you could do it like this, maybe there are some rules you've come up with to protect your son, while the thing might not be that dangerous at all. like this, you can keep some of your rules, but also let oyur husband know, that you appreciate his help, and that you don't want to say that he isn't taking care of your son the right way.

 

to anyone else who comes into your home, you will of course have to explain the rules, and tell them for example, that they can't leave your kid alone when he's in the bathtub, because he might slip.

 

i hope this helps

 
June 15, 2007, 12:59 pm CDT

Husband and I DISAGREE

My husband and I disagree on disipline with our 15 year old boy.  My teen is not a bad a bad kid at all.  He maintains a 3.0 GPA and is involved in JROTC in high school.  We also have an 8 year old boy, that is a very good kid as well and does very well in school. A matter of fact he is currently being tested for the gifted program.  I feel children should be rewarded for things done good.  My husband feels rewarding them will turn them soft and they will stop trying.  So, the only words or emotion my 15 yr old gets from his father is negative on every little thing done wrong or a mistake that has been made.  Yes my son is a typical 15 year old trys to sneak out of house, occasionally gets C's or below on report cards, not doing his chores etc...  My husband like to use the words " I DONT CARE WHAT YOU THINK" " YOU ARE 15, YOU DONT HAVE AN OPINION"  Otherwords, he does not believe in PRAISE or LISTENING.  On the other hand, I am the SOFT parent.  I feel my teen should have a teen social life, as long as he gets an education first.  I am mre relaxed on things he wants to do, curfues, etc....I feel mistakes are to be spoken about and a possiable grounding ( 1 week or so) My husband like to ground for MONTHS.  My teen will not speak to his father, he is afraid of being yelled at or put down..which results in him being grounded.  My husband and I are very busy people.  I have a full time job and we own our own company.  My teen has inherited playing father to  his little brother.  HE helps out tremendously....without him I would be lost.  So I try to give him time to be a teenager.  My husband and I fight frequently on this situationa and I turn to you for some advice.
Thank you
D
 
June 17, 2007, 6:04 am CDT

We Disagree On Punishment

Quote From: dawnlorne01

My husband and I disagree on disipline with our 15 year old boy.  My teen is not a bad a bad kid at all.  He maintains a 3.0 GPA and is involved in JROTC in high school.  We also have an 8 year old boy, that is a very good kid as well and does very well in school. A matter of fact he is currently being tested for the gifted program.  I feel children should be rewarded for things done good.  My husband feels rewarding them will turn them soft and they will stop trying.  So, the only words or emotion my 15 yr old gets from his father is negative on every little thing done wrong or a mistake that has been made.  Yes my son is a typical 15 year old trys to sneak out of house, occasionally gets C's or below on report cards, not doing his chores etc...  My husband like to use the words " I DONT CARE WHAT YOU THINK" " YOU ARE 15, YOU DONT HAVE AN OPINION"  Otherwords, he does not believe in PRAISE or LISTENING.  On the other hand, I am the SOFT parent.  I feel my teen should have a teen social life, as long as he gets an education first.  I am mre relaxed on things he wants to do, curfues, etc....I feel mistakes are to be spoken about and a possiable grounding ( 1 week or so) My husband like to ground for MONTHS.  My teen will not speak to his father, he is afraid of being yelled at or put down..which results in him being grounded.  My husband and I are very busy people.  I have a full time job and we own our own company.  My teen has inherited playing father to  his little brother.  HE helps out tremendously....without him I would be lost.  So I try to give him time to be a teenager.  My husband and I fight frequently on this situationa and I turn to you for some advice.
Thank you
D
i don't agree to the way your husband treats him. when you're fifteen, you do have an opinion, and if you can accept the fact that older people might know better, you can have a pretty accurate opinion. in a few years, your son will have to live on his own, make his own decisions and solve his own problems, so he needs space, to learn that now. syaing he doesn't know anything won't help him. furthermore, it seems like he has a pretty adult position in your household, him having to help raise his little brother is not an easy task. he has to make disciplining decisions, and he helps to turn your son into an adult, but he does all that, and still he is treated as a child. since he has so many adult responsibilities, he needs time as a teen, and if he's been taking care of his brother all day, i think it is only reasonable that his curfew is half an hour or an hour later than normal. furthermore, praise does work. if you've been working your ass off at work, and all you hear is, you''ve made a mistake, that doesnt motivate you to work that hard again. but if you hear something like: i find it great that oyu've done all that work already, it really helps me out.  then you will feel good about yourself, and  you will want to work hard again. the fact that he is scared to speak to his father says enough. so i advise you to talk to your husband, at a time you're not busy for a sec, and if he doesn't believeyou or me, get a professional opinion. but you really have to let your 15 year old be a teen, and be treated more like an equal.
 
June 17, 2007, 6:04 am CDT

We Disagree On Punishment

Quote From: dawnlorne01

My husband and I disagree on disipline with our 15 year old boy.  My teen is not a bad a bad kid at all.  He maintains a 3.0 GPA and is involved in JROTC in high school.  We also have an 8 year old boy, that is a very good kid as well and does very well in school. A matter of fact he is currently being tested for the gifted program.  I feel children should be rewarded for things done good.  My husband feels rewarding them will turn them soft and they will stop trying.  So, the only words or emotion my 15 yr old gets from his father is negative on every little thing done wrong or a mistake that has been made.  Yes my son is a typical 15 year old trys to sneak out of house, occasionally gets C's or below on report cards, not doing his chores etc...  My husband like to use the words " I DONT CARE WHAT YOU THINK" " YOU ARE 15, YOU DONT HAVE AN OPINION"  Otherwords, he does not believe in PRAISE or LISTENING.  On the other hand, I am the SOFT parent.  I feel my teen should have a teen social life, as long as he gets an education first.  I am mre relaxed on things he wants to do, curfues, etc....I feel mistakes are to be spoken about and a possiable grounding ( 1 week or so) My husband like to ground for MONTHS.  My teen will not speak to his father, he is afraid of being yelled at or put down..which results in him being grounded.  My husband and I are very busy people.  I have a full time job and we own our own company.  My teen has inherited playing father to  his little brother.  HE helps out tremendously....without him I would be lost.  So I try to give him time to be a teenager.  My husband and I fight frequently on this situationa and I turn to you for some advice.
Thank you
D
i don't agree to the way your husband treats him. when you're fifteen, you do have an opinion, and if you can accept the fact that older people might know better, you can have a pretty accurate opinion. in a few years, your son will have to live on his own, make his own decisions and solve his own problems, so he needs space, to learn that now. syaing he doesn't know anything won't help him. furthermore, it seems like he has a pretty adult position in your household, him having to help raise his little brother is not an easy task. he has to make disciplining decisions, and he helps to turn your son into an adult, but he does all that, and still he is treated as a child. since he has so many adult responsibilities, he needs time as a teen, and if he's been taking care of his brother all day, i think it is only reasonable that his curfew is half an hour or an hour later than normal. furthermore, praise does work. if you've been working your ass off at work, and all you hear is, you''ve made a mistake, that doesnt motivate you to work that hard again. but if you hear something like: i find it great that oyu've done all that work already, it really helps me out.  then you will feel good about yourself, and  you will want to work hard again. the fact that he is scared to speak to his father says enough. so i advise you to talk to your husband, at a time you're not busy for a sec, and if he doesn't believeyou or me, get a professional opinion. but you really have to let your 15 year old be a teen, and be treated more like an equal.
 
June 18, 2007, 3:25 pm CDT

need more punishment?

My daughter and her friend both 8yrs old played a prank on my daughter's grandmother who was watching them while I ran an errand.  My mother-in-law is deathly afraid of frogs...stuffed animals, pictures of frogs! etc...Well, her friend wanted to scare her by throwing one of the stuffed animal frogs on the table next to her...well she got extremely upset over the incident.  I know my daughter was wrong in going along with this...and she should have refused to do this...

 

She  apoligized to her grandmother and also wrote a "sorry" note to her...I thought that all was OK, but my husband thought that she should have been grounded and not allowed to go to her friends "girls day out party" the following day. There are hurt feelings...though my in-law has not verbalized it, I can tell she is still upset and there is a tension in the home. They think that my daughter should not be allowed to play with her friend anymore and she should not have gone to the party. Am I wrong?  I'm torn about this and not sure if my punishment was adequate...

 
June 21, 2007, 11:16 am CDT

We Disagree On Punishment

Quote From: williamsoffice

My daughter and her friend both 8yrs old played a prank on my daughter's grandmother who was watching them while I ran an errand.  My mother-in-law is deathly afraid of frogs...stuffed animals, pictures of frogs! etc...Well, her friend wanted to scare her by throwing one of the stuffed animal frogs on the table next to her...well she got extremely upset over the incident.  I know my daughter was wrong in going along with this...and she should have refused to do this...

 

She  apoligized to her grandmother and also wrote a "sorry" note to her...I thought that all was OK, but my husband thought that she should have been grounded and not allowed to go to her friends "girls day out party" the following day. There are hurt feelings...though my in-law has not verbalized it, I can tell she is still upset and there is a tension in the home. They think that my daughter should not be allowed to play with her friend anymore and she should not have gone to the party. Am I wrong?  I'm torn about this and not sure if my punishment was adequate...

i believe that she shouldn't be punished too severely. it was just a joke, she probably didn't mean to hurt her grandmothers feelings, and the friend she was playing with, probably didn't realize, just how afraid, the grandmother really was. if it would have been on purpose to scare her and hurt her feelings, than i would punish her more severely, but if she has already apologized, just sit her and her friend down, if you haven't already, and explain to them just how it scared and hurt the grandmother, and that such things are not to make jokes about.
 
July 2, 2007, 3:32 am CDT

How does one punish a teen?

  I have two teens, (16 and almost 18) who have lost their structure this year(church and church band), and now they are growing more out of control.  If I ground them they sneak out, if we try to get a project going (so they have something to work for like fixing up a motobike or bike) they act like they are not interested.  If we talk with them reasonably they respond to us in odd ways.  I ask my son to tell me where he is going and to keep his curfew.  He tells me "Life isn't logical just because you want it to be."

 

My young son is copying my older son, and now he is beginning to get into serious trouble at school.  I'm at my wits end, and can't sleep very well.  My husband says I'm obsessing over this, and that there is nothing we can do.  What do you think?

 
July 9, 2007, 7:05 am CDT

we disagree on punishment

Quote From: catfish05

My 13 yr old daughter brought home a bad report card. It had a 50 in math a57 in language and a 69 in science. the rest were A's and B's. She was grounded all last year( yes the entire year) for C's. She shows pigs and we raise them she has learned alot from this. And she has won many things. This is something she is very good at and something that she loves. She is in extra  help for math. My husband is very strict on her. He has taken all the pigs away from her I mean sold all of them, he has grounded her, and now he thinks we should just be mean to her everyday. He spanked her 3 times last night because she did not have the amount of math problems done in the time that he allows. I think this is alittle extreme. He has only been her father for 4 years.( her real father doesn't care. He stated that he would sign away his rights to her so my husband can adopt her. which he does want to do.) He thinks because he can feel as if she  was his own she should automaticaly feel the same. I mean she loves him. but now she has made the statement she does not want him to adopt her. How can I explain to him he is hurting the situation? 

I think that he is extreme and that he still need to make sure she knows he loves her. 

He told her last night he did not want her to say anything to him about school because she was a lier. because she lied to us. I think that he should still offer for her to talk to him, then we can check it out to find out if she is lying. 

Any advice will help. 

13 year old girls should not be spanked especially by a stepparent. by allowing this you are just as guilty. your daughter needs a tutor. not an abusive adult!!!!
 
July 9, 2007, 7:25 am CDT

We Disagree On Punishment

my husband and i are now seperated due to the fact we can not agree on how are 12 year old son should be disiplined. His dad will sit down and "talk" to him about something he has done wrong, but there are never any consicences for his actions. my son is disobedient, violent, and has no respect for me.If you ask my son why he wants to be with his dad he'll tell you "because he lets me do whatever i want" I've tried to get my son counsiling but his father won't allow it. what else can i do?
 
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