Message Boards

Topic : We Disagree On Punishment

Number of Replies: 185
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:51:36 pm
Author : dataimport
"My husband is a spanker, but I don't believe in hitting my child." "My son knows he can run to my wife when I've told him no." Does this sound familiar? Tell us your story.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

July 12, 2007, 9:15 pm CDT

Pranks

Quote From: williamsoffice

My daughter and her friend both 8yrs old played a prank on my daughter's grandmother who was watching them while I ran an errand.  My mother-in-law is deathly afraid of frogs...stuffed animals, pictures of frogs! etc...Well, her friend wanted to scare her by throwing one of the stuffed animal frogs on the table next to her...well she got extremely upset over the incident.  I know my daughter was wrong in going along with this...and she should have refused to do this...

 

She  apoligized to her grandmother and also wrote a "sorry" note to her...I thought that all was OK, but my husband thought that she should have been grounded and not allowed to go to her friends "girls day out party" the following day. There are hurt feelings...though my in-law has not verbalized it, I can tell she is still upset and there is a tension in the home. They think that my daughter should not be allowed to play with her friend anymore and she should not have gone to the party. Am I wrong?  I'm torn about this and not sure if my punishment was adequate...

If a friend of my child came into my home and caused harm or fear in any family member of mine, I definatly would not be allowing that child access to my family any more. why would why?

Why would i want a child that shows malice and disregards for peoples feelings and well being to influence my child?

It is obvious that this childhood freind is an influence due to the fact that your child did not refuse to allow her freind to terrorize her Grandmother.

Is this the type of child you want your child to be following?

Nope! Nip it in the Bud, now and let your daughter know that these type of behaviors do not make very good choices for freinds.

When she gets older, the behaviors of freinds may be much worse, but if you set an example of what is acceptable behavior from friends you will be saving yourself a lot of grief when she gets older.

You are the parent and yes you can choose who she is freinds with untill she reaches an age were the Law says that you can only give opinions, not rules.

Look at the big picture her hun, your daughter is comfortable in a follower position, no problem, but you have to be making serious determinations as to who exactly she is following.

The child that caused harm is definatly not one I would want my child to be taking examples from!

 
July 14, 2007, 2:13 pm CDT

confused

Quote From: miekje

i really don't understand why you are being so harsh on her. an 8 year old shouldn't be expected to see all the consequences of her actions, and if you do expect that all the time, then you will be disappointed. you are treating her like a teen or an adult. she isn't, and she doesn't act or think like an adult. she made a mistake, she already apologised, and feels bad about it. and i really don't believe that she was purposefully being MEAN to her grandmother. if she was, she either d9idn't like the grandmother, or she was mad at her for some reason, and was also a not well raised kid. that is when kids get MEAN. she has done it to scare the grandmother, but not to this extent, and she didn't do it to hurt her grandmother, which unfortunately she did. so i really don't get why you are being so harsh, and i hope you're not that harsh on your own kids all the time.

I am confused as to how not allowing the child to go to the party that the child who instigated the terrorizing of the grandmother is harsh.

like I said before in my post, I would not want this child influencing my child and would put an end to that friendship.

It was an act of intent, meaning yea it was done on purpose, children tend to find people that are frightened amusing, so if there is an opportunity to create fear a child with meanness will do so.

furthermore if the child was angry or didn't like the grandmother, creating fear is not the way to deal with the issue.

Then stating that children that do this are not well raised children, concludes my point. I would not want this child influencing my daughter.  So yea no party, no sleep overs, no contact with this child outside the normal school day.

I would explain to my child why this was the way it is, and yes after the fact the child did feel bad, and no probably does not realize the consequences, but that does not mean that consequences don't happen in life simply because we do not know what they are, at any age.

 

 
September 3, 2007, 2:41 pm CDT

Marriage Problems b/c of child AND WIFE

Hello Everyone...

My name is Eric and I am 23 and have been married for only 2 months, but have been with my wife for the last 5 years.. I am having a hard time dealing with my step-Daughter and it's killing my marriage.

The problem is what I think is wrong, My wife does not think is wrong and when I try and take action my wife will reply with either yelling at me for it right in front of her daughter or she will tell me what to do, What can I do to solve this problem? I also have a 2yr old son who I am trying to bring up on my rules and have him around good rolemodels. Which his big sister is really not being a good sport about it.. I mean I love my wife dearly but she has me on Anxiety meds and all other sorts of CRAP, B/c she says I need to CHILL out and not yell at her daughter all the time..... Am I wrong for trying to have good rolemodels around my Son?


And this is really putting a burden on our marriage can anyone please help me out, This mainly occurs when her daughter comes home from her fathers house or late at night after we have put her to bed... Like Screaming all the tim she chews with her mouth open which is just GROSS, yells at our son, rips toys right out of his hands, Tells me she will just have her father beat me up and I know that will happen with having a father and a step-dad But I am on my last Straw.. i do not want to leave but I do not know what else to do..


Number 2- My wife who I love very very much will not stop wearing skanky little shirts, I mean like today we were all at a local shopping mall when all ofasudden I saw these 2 men starring at her when I lokked over her Breasts were basically hanging out, and when I say somthing to her she just gets all pissed at me and say I'm not changing the way I dress just b/c you do want men starring at me. I mean DONT LADIES HAVE MORALS ANYMORE? And this is like an everyday thing besides when shes at work, Like if she goes out to local bars on the weekends thats how she will dress and since I do not drink due to having a problem at one pint I will stay home with the kids and she will be gone till well whenever she wants to come home... PLEASE HELP ME 

 
September 7, 2007, 9:26 am CDT

I know what you mean....

Quote From: rosato1011

Hello Everyone...

My name is Eric and I am 23 and have been married for only 2 months, but have been with my wife for the last 5 years.. I am having a hard time dealing with my step-Daughter and it's killing my marriage.

The problem is what I think is wrong, My wife does not think is wrong and when I try and take action my wife will reply with either yelling at me for it right in front of her daughter or she will tell me what to do, What can I do to solve this problem? I also have a 2yr old son who I am trying to bring up on my rules and have him around good rolemodels. Which his big sister is really not being a good sport about it.. I mean I love my wife dearly but she has me on Anxiety meds and all other sorts of CRAP, B/c she says I need to CHILL out and not yell at her daughter all the time..... Am I wrong for trying to have good rolemodels around my Son?


And this is really putting a burden on our marriage can anyone please help me out, This mainly occurs when her daughter comes home from her fathers house or late at night after we have put her to bed... Like Screaming all the tim she chews with her mouth open which is just GROSS, yells at our son, rips toys right out of his hands, Tells me she will just have her father beat me up and I know that will happen with having a father and a step-dad But I am on my last Straw.. i do not want to leave but I do not know what else to do..


Number 2- My wife who I love very very much will not stop wearing skanky little shirts, I mean like today we were all at a local shopping mall when all ofasudden I saw these 2 men starring at her when I lokked over her Breasts were basically hanging out, and when I say somthing to her she just gets all pissed at me and say I'm not changing the way I dress just b/c you do want men starring at me. I mean DONT LADIES HAVE MORALS ANYMORE? And this is like an everyday thing besides when shes at work, Like if she goes out to local bars on the weekends thats how she will dress and since I do not drink due to having a problem at one pint I will stay home with the kids and she will be gone till well whenever she wants to come home... PLEASE HELP ME 

...except that i'm on the other side of the coin.  I'm the so-called wife with the step children.  But  I'm not one to dress that way and stay out all hours of the night.  Let's break this down, shall we?  Before I continue, I want you to know that I'm not defending your wife or her actions in any way.  My fiance and I have the same problems.  I have two daughters from a previous relationship, ages 10 and 8.  My oldest daughter is slightly LD, and that becomes a problem with my fiance.  He's very rude to her and thinks that she should be able to understand everything he's talking about.  That's not the case!  He's even gone so far as to tell her that she will be the reason he and I split up.  Two years ago, we welcomed our son into the world.  My daughters have been very helpful as far as their brother is concerned.  Since the birth, my fiance has treated my daughters very differently.  Have you started treating yout step daughter different since the birth of your son?  To put it bluntly, he doesn't seem to think his son can do any wrong, but my daughters are blamed for everything, including things our son does.  I understand how any parent would want to bring their children up with good role models surrounding them, as well as proper morals.  IF you guys can't sit and talk about this like adults, then there's more than just the discipline problem.  Together, you two should be able to come up with ideas, and set ground rules.  If you can't even do that, then there's no way you'll be able to enforce the rules that you've set.  It's not right for your wife to yell, discredit or belittle you infront of your step daughter.  This is precisely why your step daughter doesn't listen to you.  She sees how her mother treats you.  I think that would be the first thing you guys would need to address before even getting into the discipline issues.  As for her dressing, I seriously hope she doesn't dress like that in front of her children.  What would that be showing her?  I can understand having alone nights where you each hang out with your friends, but is it really necessary to dress 'skanky' (your word) and be out all hours while sticking hubby with the kids?  From your story, there's way more than discipline issues with the kids.  I wish you the best of luck!  Your story reminds me of the same things my fiance says, that's why I thought I could let you know how we changed things....
 
September 13, 2007, 5:04 pm CDT

This sounds bad

Quote From: rosato1011

Hello Everyone...

My name is Eric and I am 23 and have been married for only 2 months, but have been with my wife for the last 5 years.. I am having a hard time dealing with my step-Daughter and it's killing my marriage.

The problem is what I think is wrong, My wife does not think is wrong and when I try and take action my wife will reply with either yelling at me for it right in front of her daughter or she will tell me what to do, What can I do to solve this problem? I also have a 2yr old son who I am trying to bring up on my rules and have him around good rolemodels. Which his big sister is really not being a good sport about it.. I mean I love my wife dearly but she has me on Anxiety meds and all other sorts of CRAP, B/c she says I need to CHILL out and not yell at her daughter all the time..... Am I wrong for trying to have good rolemodels around my Son?


And this is really putting a burden on our marriage can anyone please help me out, This mainly occurs when her daughter comes home from her fathers house or late at night after we have put her to bed... Like Screaming all the tim she chews with her mouth open which is just GROSS, yells at our son, rips toys right out of his hands, Tells me she will just have her father beat me up and I know that will happen with having a father and a step-dad But I am on my last Straw.. i do not want to leave but I do not know what else to do..


Number 2- My wife who I love very very much will not stop wearing skanky little shirts, I mean like today we were all at a local shopping mall when all ofasudden I saw these 2 men starring at her when I lokked over her Breasts were basically hanging out, and when I say somthing to her she just gets all pissed at me and say I'm not changing the way I dress just b/c you do want men starring at me. I mean DONT LADIES HAVE MORALS ANYMORE? And this is like an everyday thing besides when shes at work, Like if she goes out to local bars on the weekends thats how she will dress and since I do not drink due to having a problem at one pint I will stay home with the kids and she will be gone till well whenever she wants to come home... PLEASE HELP ME 

Hi,

I think your first responsibility no matter what is your own child.  I have 8 children and have seen counselors because of one of them.  Arguing in front of the child is  awful.  The children are losing respect for you two and they are learning that yelling will solve it, the louder one wins.  You need to sit down together at a park or somewhere away from others and the children, and discuss what you think punishments should be.  If she is no good at punishing then maybe her job could be to reward for good behavior and you do the punishments.  Once you put them in place they need to be followed and the parents needs to stand behind each other completely.  I don't want to talk too long but I do want to address the dress practices of your wife.  I am a wife and there are modest woman out there.  Before you married did she dress this way, if so then you were kind of asking for it.  If your wife is an alcoholic you may not get her out of the bar ever.  If not - are there activities you can do with the children.  Go to the lake for a weekend,  Pack up the bikes and hit a bike trail.  You need to get her to be family orientated.  She is being awful selfish going off alone, not to mention very disrespectful.  I would be PO'd if I were in that situation.  You have got to make her see how hurt you are.  If nothing works and your marriage fails I would keep a written record of her escapades and leaving the family alone, you will need that.  Also record activities you have done with the family and what your wife says and how she reacts.  She is not "in the best interest of your family".  You need to see a counselor.

Hope this helps some, good luck!

 
September 14, 2007, 10:28 am CDT

My daughter is the other half of my team

I have been married for 25 years and have three kids.I mostly parent alone.Except for the help I get from my daughter.My husband has hardly ever been of help.We went to counceling for our son who has pdd.My husband made it seem as if I controled everything in the house and was the problem.The councelor told us we have to be a team and make parenting descsions to together,now that would work if he would actually help out and not stand and yell at me cause the kids our bothering him.John treid for two days to help then one night looked at me and said I have to reduce my stress and I am blind in this eye I am the one paying the blills so you needs to deal with the kids on your own.So i have with the help of my daughter who on her own stepped up to the empy plate.We have gotten david going to bed on time to get to school and taking regular showers and to school on time along with his younger brother.Last night I was just to frustrated with him I was acting cold towards him.When he asked me why I figured why tell him he will just not get it and pout.Thats what happpened.I told him why I was upset and his responce was Just tell me what to do and I will do it.I responded be a parent quite falling asleep after you come home from work and sleeping tell the mornig with when you are awke quite yelling at me and the kids and telling us to leave you along  and quite bugging you.help me out.Ju;lie has been the other parent for years and when she has been able to help me I do it alone with help from you only when you want to the rest of the time I drag you kicking and screaming to hel[pme out.He took a well I'll just go eat warms aditude.He said well I guess you want me tto lose my job I won't sleep any more unless you give me permision.Then he got up and said to our son you need to go to bed right now so mom will get off my ass.This is your fault mom is yelling at me.Our son was allready on his way to the shower and bed the other one was in bed I and my daughter had gotten them there.Now he has I pouting aditude.It is eather I do it alone or with the help of my daughter because when he helps it is out of meaness and he just make s the situation worse or doesn't help at all.John is good at talking and does help with our sons Iep and a very good writer.he not a bad person.I need to know if my daughter being the other parent is good for her I have never made her do it she has just done it I apriciate her help and tell her often.But has then been a good thing for her.I often appoligize to her and her brothers for there fathers behavor.
 
September 14, 2007, 5:53 pm CDT

We Disagree On Punishment

Quote From: debrasatt

I have been married for 25 years and have three kids.I mostly parent alone.Except for the help I get from my daughter.My husband has hardly ever been of help.We went to counceling for our son who has pdd.My husband made it seem as if I controled everything in the house and was the problem.The councelor told us we have to be a team and make parenting descsions to together,now that would work if he would actually help out and not stand and yell at me cause the kids our bothering him.John treid for two days to help then one night looked at me and said I have to reduce my stress and I am blind in this eye I am the one paying the blills so you needs to deal with the kids on your own.So i have with the help of my daughter who on her own stepped up to the empy plate.We have gotten david going to bed on time to get to school and taking regular showers and to school on time along with his younger brother.Last night I was just to frustrated with him I was acting cold towards him.When he asked me why I figured why tell him he will just not get it and pout.Thats what happpened.I told him why I was upset and his responce was Just tell me what to do and I will do it.I responded be a parent quite falling asleep after you come home from work and sleeping tell the mornig with when you are awke quite yelling at me and the kids and telling us to leave you along  and quite bugging you.help me out.Ju;lie has been the other parent for years and when she has been able to help me I do it alone with help from you only when you want to the rest of the time I drag you kicking and screaming to hel[pme out.He took a well I'll just go eat warms aditude.He said well I guess you want me tto lose my job I won't sleep any more unless you give me permision.Then he got up and said to our son you need to go to bed right now so mom will get off my ass.This is your fault mom is yelling at me.Our son was allready on his way to the shower and bed the other one was in bed I and my daughter had gotten them there.Now he has I pouting aditude.It is eather I do it alone or with the help of my daughter because when he helps it is out of meaness and he just make s the situation worse or doesn't help at all.John is good at talking and does help with our sons Iep and a very good writer.he not a bad person.I need to know if my daughter being the other parent is good for her I have never made her do it she has just done it I apriciate her help and tell her often.But has then been a good thing for her.I often appoligize to her and her brothers for there fathers behavor.
How old is your daughter?
 
September 19, 2007, 1:37 pm CDT

We Disagree On Punishment

Quote From: annieorwell

How old is your daughter?
My daughter is know 18 but he had her taking care of her brothers when I went to work.She was the only three year old and  knew how too change a diaper and make formula.and give baths to her brothers and clean a house. I quite work when I found out what was going on that was when she was in the fourth grade.I have not worked since.I have not worked since.But know that she has graduated and is at home more and not stressed from homworke.She is helping me out agian.Disaplining with me helping me get there homework done and basicly my suport system.When she says something they listen to her and me.They call there father lazy and don't care what he thinks or asks them to do.He of caurse blames me.But then tells me and my daughter what they are doing wrong and leaves it up to us to take care of.While he sleeps or wathches tv or is on the computer.He says he can't handle the stress and tries to help out when he can.I know it is when he  is mad or when he feels like it.She says that she does not think much of her father but knows how to get things out of him when she needs them.He does do things with them but not very often and usully throws it in my face that he does do things with thim and that he does help me but not very often .and blames me for the kids not respecting him as a father.So her is my question is this good for her or not .AQt this point in her life she says she does not want to get married or have any kids cause she feels as is she has raised kids all ready.She does not want a man if they are like her father.
 
September 20, 2007, 3:32 pm CDT

picky eaters

Quote From: dirtracer8

I have an on going serious dispute with my spouse which is causeing us personal problems.

My children have been trained by my spouse to only eat Nuggets, PB&J, Frozen Pizza, and Raviolis.

When we make other things they refuse to eat and our dinner becomes a big fight. My spouse has just conceded and fixes them what they want. I am of the belief you control what they eat, when they go to bed, who they see, ect. I feel that the children are out of control. and we have lost. I always have to look like the big bad dad, forceing them to eat other things.

 

My spouse is a wimp.

Today kids are worse then ever. junk is addiction to there pallet.  It use to be that fast food was a rare reward. Today its a scape goat  for the parent. There are some things going on today for parent awareness of, fun food that's nourishes. We are a , make It easy, make It fast, spoiled, run out the door ,family these days. And it doesn't help the most me like meat,&potatoes, and little vegges. So there for , sets bad example.  I say part wimp. Part unconfrontational. Butt a parent needs to be confrontational. And set an example.   I have the same losing battle.  We grow a garden, and they pick it ,but wont eat it.

I think we need to open our eyes to what we are doing to our kids, latter in life (health wise), by what we are doing right now.

 
September 28, 2007, 12:06 pm CDT

Punishment

My son was 2 when my husband and I got married. He is not his real father. My son was the first grandchild in the family so you can guess that he got spoiled a lot. So when my husband wanted to punish my son I would contradict everything. Soon it became a problem between my husband and I. We had to learn to come to a middle ground on punishment. His is much stronger than mine because he comes from a home where his dad was in the service. I came from a home where my mom punished me borderline to abuse. I promised myself I will never raise my kids or do to my kids what I had to go through. Yes sometimes I am scared to punish my kids, but punishing your kids builds character and makes them a better person. My brother-in-law told us he used a wooden spoon to punish his kids. So now I use a spoon. All I have to do is pop my kids one time to keep them in line and sometimes I have to just pull it out to show them that they need to straighten up. So now my husband and I are consistent with how we want our kids to behave, and we know what to use when they get out of line. Sometimes spanking works and sometimes time out works. Some people don't believe in spanking. Now days kids are so out of control because the parents are more scared of what the child will think of them or what other people think of them for spanking their child. I refuse to go out in public and my kids make a fool out of me. I will not have my kids throw fits and hit me and scream at me and curse me out. My kids will respect me and everyone else they come in contact with. My kids will learn how to earn the things they want by being good.
 
First | Prev | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | Next | Last