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Topic : We Disagree On Punishment

Number of Replies: 185
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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:51:36 pm
Author : dataimport
"My husband is a spanker, but I don't believe in hitting my child." "My son knows he can run to my wife when I've told him no." Does this sound familiar? Tell us your story.

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November 14, 2007, 8:19 am CST

I know what you are going through

Quote From: udizzy2

...except that i'm on the other side of the coin.  I'm the so-called wife with the step children.  But  I'm not one to dress that way and stay out all hours of the night.  Let's break this down, shall we?  Before I continue, I want you to know that I'm not defending your wife or her actions in any way.  My fiance and I have the same problems.  I have two daughters from a previous relationship, ages 10 and 8.  My oldest daughter is slightly LD, and that becomes a problem with my fiance.  He's very rude to her and thinks that she should be able to understand everything he's talking about.  That's not the case!  He's even gone so far as to tell her that she will be the reason he and I split up.  Two years ago, we welcomed our son into the world.  My daughters have been very helpful as far as their brother is concerned.  Since the birth, my fiance has treated my daughters very differently.  Have you started treating yout step daughter different since the birth of your son?  To put it bluntly, he doesn't seem to think his son can do any wrong, but my daughters are blamed for everything, including things our son does.  I understand how any parent would want to bring their children up with good role models surrounding them, as well as proper morals.  IF you guys can't sit and talk about this like adults, then there's more than just the discipline problem.  Together, you two should be able to come up with ideas, and set ground rules.  If you can't even do that, then there's no way you'll be able to enforce the rules that you've set.  It's not right for your wife to yell, discredit or belittle you infront of your step daughter.  This is precisely why your step daughter doesn't listen to you.  She sees how her mother treats you.  I think that would be the first thing you guys would need to address before even getting into the discipline issues.  As for her dressing, I seriously hope she doesn't dress like that in front of her children.  What would that be showing her?  I can understand having alone nights where you each hang out with your friends, but is it really necessary to dress 'skanky' (your word) and be out all hours while sticking hubby with the kids?  From your story, there's way more than discipline issues with the kids.  I wish you the best of luck!  Your story reminds me of the same things my fiance says, that's why I thought I could let you know how we changed things....
I have four step-daughters and none of my own.  They are rarely with their mother and their father works 12 hour days.  So I mainly have them 24-7!  I have the worst problem with the oldest who has fought me, cussed me, destroyed my clothes, and stole things that belong to me.  I am in a constant battle with her father because he don't know what the word discipline means!!!  He thinks that grounding her from the phone for a week will do the trick, but obviously that doesn't work it has been going on for 5 years now.  I wish that just once I was the one that had the last word, the final say so on the punishment, since it is happening to me.  I'm going through HELL I'm just lost anymore!!!  HELP
 
November 23, 2007, 9:09 am CST

Not sure where to turn

I have four children ages 10,11,15 and16 yrs of age. My husband of 13 yrs. is the father of two of the children. He has raised the older two from the ages of 2&3. (Their father hasn't been in the picture until 3 wks. ago) When the children misbehave and my husband is not home I will punish them by grounding them or take away T.V. or phone priviledges. When my husband returns or he finds out  what the child has done he also yells and punishes them for it...depending on what mood he is in sometimes takes the punishment away. When he is home and he takes care of the punishment  it always involves yelling loudly,throwing things and, in my opinion, degrating them. They have gotten to the point where they will not answer his questions when he asks them and this makes him very angry. Mainly because they don't know how to answer it or they are scared to.Often he plays a stand up sit down game with them. Lately, the 15 yr. old has refused to play it.  Our ten year old starting from the age 5 has been dirtying his pants. We have had him to the doctor and he told us that he has "bridge bowels". Meaning he is scared to go to the bathroom and holds it in until his body makes him go. All  4 are making 3 to 4 f's in school.  The older 2 are skipping school, being late for classes, and have lost interest in almost everything. Lately all they want to do is sleep. When my husband is home they try to hide in their rooms, but he calls them in the living room often and asks them what they are doing or to get him something. It is to the point that when they hear he is on his way home the oldest daughter breaks out with bad acne and my oldest breaks out with a rash. All four of the children do not want him to come home because, in their words, " He is mean". These are just some of the minor things that go on. I have discussed the problems with my husband and he said that he would TRY. I told him that trying wasn't good enough. I have decided that something has to be done and I have been looking for a house for the children and I to move. I am scared, but I am more scared of  what will happen if I don't leave. He has never abused me physically like my first husband, but the mental abuse is just as bad if not worse , in my opinion.  Does anyone have any advise that may help me get through this? I just feel like I am going into a depression and I can't seem to find the strength to pull myself together. 

 
November 26, 2007, 1:26 pm CST

Spanking...

Has anyone seen one of the shows where Dr. Phil talks about the time where one of his boys were rude to Robin?? He talks about how he stops the car and tells (I think it was Jay) not to be disrespectful to his mother (or I belive his words were, my wife).

 

I had a discussion with a friend today about whether Dr. Phil said that he would spank Jay or not?? I belive that Dr. Phil is very much against spanking and I don't belive that he has ever spanked his kids, but my friend says he has heard Dr. Phil say in the show that he gave Jay a choise of either getting spanked or sayin he was sorry to Robin.

Help me remember exactly what he said!

Thanks!!

Christina

 
November 26, 2007, 4:54 pm CST

RE: We Disagree on Punishment

Quote From: christinakp

Has anyone seen one of the shows where Dr. Phil talks about the time where one of his boys were rude to Robin?? He talks about how he stops the car and tells (I think it was Jay) not to be disrespectful to his mother (or I belive his words were, my wife).

 

I had a discussion with a friend today about whether Dr. Phil said that he would spank Jay or not?? I belive that Dr. Phil is very much against spanking and I don't belive that he has ever spanked his kids, but my friend says he has heard Dr. Phil say in the show that he gave Jay a choise of either getting spanked or sayin he was sorry to Robin.

Help me remember exactly what he said!

Thanks!!

Christina

Christina,

 

There are several shows on discipline. You might want to start with this link and see if you can find the show you are looking for through this. http://www.drphil.com/search/results/?S=Discipline

 

DrPhilBoard2

 
November 27, 2007, 12:51 pm CST

We Disagree On Punishment

Quote From: DrPhilBoard2

Christina,

 

There are several shows on discipline. You might want to start with this link and see if you can find the show you are looking for through this. http://www.drphil.com/search/results/?S=Discipline

 

DrPhilBoard2

Thank you very much!

Still not able to find that exact show since I don't remember when he told the story.

So if anyone remember please let me know what you remember him saying!

thank you!

Christina

 
March 12, 2008, 8:43 am CDT

About cussing

Hello,

I received an e-mail about two subjects.  One, about proper attire for boarding a plance, and two, the fifteen-year-old who is campaigning against cussing.

There are people whom I've stopped seeing because of bad language, cussing, violent words or similar things.  I like them as human beings, but wouldn't want to share my life with someone who uses violent language, for I believe that language reveals who we are, and if someone uses violent words, this means that there is an inner component that has the ability to be violent.

I even disagree with terms such as *having sex*.  We may have a headache, which we didn't ask for, or we may have pizza for dinner, which is a detail of daily life, but to treat sexual intercourse as a casual choice trivializes the sanctity of sharing one's soul with another person and conveys the impression that to give oneself is something to be entered into lightly, which it isn't.

In my family, when I was growing up, my parents didn't curse or use obscene language, yet their words frequently had a colour of violence, which at the time I was unable to analyze, but have since analyzed, as an adult, and considered not suitable for my home.  Words carry weight and it's not merely a question of avoiding saying *horrible* about something which isn't horrible, but extends to the whole language tools that we use.  Many people say that they were *shocked*, when in reality, they were merely displeased or surprised or slightly disappointed.  We cannot say that we are opposed to violence if our own language is exaggerated or disproportionate with the occurrence at hand.

Many adults who try to be their children's *friends*, instead of being their mentors, guides or sources of inspiration, adopt their teen children's language in order to be perceived as *cool*, but that is wrong and they shouldn't turn around and denounce violence on television, while in their own home, the words that they use are exaggerated, equivalent to lying, actually, because exaggeration is a form of falsehood, or violent in any way.

There is more and more talk about *health*.  Health, defined as fitness, or wellness, or the ability to function and do everything that is on our list, should definitely include happiness, respect, a desire to improve and become, on the INSIDE also, a better person. 

The primary function of language is to serve as a way for people to understand one another, not as a way for people to threaten or attack.  If language, the way it is used, divides a family or conveys anger, hostility or violence, then people would be better off remaining silent, until they find something to say that will be good, constructive and true.

As an Educator for the masses, Dr Phil has a responsibility, on his show, to lead by example by using language that denotes no anger, no exaggeration, and no violence.


 
March 12, 2008, 9:52 am CDT

We Disagree On Punishment

Quote From: suchamuch

Hello,

I received an e-mail about two subjects.  One, about proper attire for boarding a plance, and two, the fifteen-year-old who is campaigning against cussing.

There are people whom I've stopped seeing because of bad language, cussing, violent words or similar things.  I like them as human beings, but wouldn't want to share my life with someone who uses violent language, for I believe that language reveals who we are, and if someone uses violent words, this means that there is an inner component that has the ability to be violent.

I even disagree with terms such as *having sex*.  We may have a headache, which we didn't ask for, or we may have pizza for dinner, which is a detail of daily life, but to treat sexual intercourse as a casual choice trivializes the sanctity of sharing one's soul with another person and conveys the impression that to give oneself is something to be entered into lightly, which it isn't.

In my family, when I was growing up, my parents didn't curse or use obscene language, yet their words frequently had a colour of violence, which at the time I was unable to analyze, but have since analyzed, as an adult, and considered not suitable for my home.  Words carry weight and it's not merely a question of avoiding saying *horrible* about something which isn't horrible, but extends to the whole language tools that we use.  Many people say that they were *shocked*, when in reality, they were merely displeased or surprised or slightly disappointed.  We cannot say that we are opposed to violence if our own language is exaggerated or disproportionate with the occurrence at hand.

Many adults who try to be their children's *friends*, instead of being their mentors, guides or sources of inspiration, adopt their teen children's language in order to be perceived as *cool*, but that is wrong and they shouldn't turn around and denounce violence on television, while in their own home, the words that they use are exaggerated, equivalent to lying, actually, because exaggeration is a form of falsehood, or violent in any way.

There is more and more talk about *health*.  Health, defined as fitness, or wellness, or the ability to function and do everything that is on our list, should definitely include happiness, respect, a desire to improve and become, on the INSIDE also, a better person. 

The primary function of language is to serve as a way for people to understand one another, not as a way for people to threaten or attack.  If language, the way it is used, divides a family or conveys anger, hostility or violence, then people would be better off remaining silent, until they find something to say that will be good, constructive and true.

As an Educator for the masses, Dr Phil has a responsibility, on his show, to lead by example by using language that denotes no anger, no exaggeration, and no violence.


What kind of "violent" language are you talking about? I am gentle as a lamb, I don't even spank my kid. I don't even kill bugs, I do however use a lot of "cuss words"....LOL

And the term "having sex" offends you? The words "horrible" and "shocked" offend you?

This post annoys the hell out of me....

I think that you read way too much into casual speech and if you "stopped seeing" me because of my language I'd consider it a GOOD thing.

Go find something REAL to worry about. Geeze.
 
April 13, 2008, 2:34 pm CDT

I need help with a punishment

My 9 year old daughter is acting out in school and causing so much drama.  She is lying and be so disrespectful at school.  Her report card grades were good however her classroom rules part were REAL BAD!!  What is the right way to handle this?
 
April 15, 2008, 12:38 pm CDT

school behavior

Quote From: misse0627

My 9 year old daughter is acting out in school and causing so much drama.  She is lying and be so disrespectful at school.  Her report card grades were good however her classroom rules part were REAL BAD!!  What is the right way to handle this?

What is the school doing about the behavior problems?  There should definitely be some immediate consequences at school.  Is this a new behavior for her?  You should definitely have a conference involving the principal, the teacher, and maybe the school counselor.  Are these behaviors happening at recess or in the classroom?  It might be helpful for the school counselor to inconspicuously observe your daughter for a day or so...he/she might have some insight into the cause of the bad behavior.  If you can get to the cause, you have a better chance of stopping the behaviors.

 

Arrange with the school that you get a phone call when your daughter is mis-behaving...perhaps SHE should be the one to make the phone call...a few times of having to "face the music" with mom might be enough to stop the behavior...you should know about it every time it happens.

 

Our elementary school has a report system for kids with on-going behavior problems.  They have a behavior report sheet that the teacher fills out every day.  The infractions are listed, as well as the times when the child is well-behaved.  The report is a helpful tool for you to be able to discuss the behaviors at home.  The report is to be signed by the parent every day, so the teachers know that they got it.

 

As far as punishment at home...you could have a chart that is based on the behavior reports you get from school...by phone, or whatever...track the good and the bad, and keep score, with points for good behavior, and points lost for bad behavior...make the points count for something that she would really like...maybe a trip out for ice cream or a movie...what ever would motivate her.

 

You could also keep in contact with the teacher by daily emails...same thing...a daily behavior report. Or, you could pick up your daughter from school every day, and stop in to see the teacher or principal for a behavior report...anything to keep in contact.

 

Communication between you and the school staff is the most important thing in curbing your daughter's bad behavior...you are all on the same team...with your daughter's best interests in mind.

 

Good luck...Becky

 

 

 
April 22, 2008, 11:39 pm CDT

In need of advice and/or suggestions

I have a 10 year old son,who i love dearly with all of my heart.He does not want to listen when he is told to do  something or told not to do something.He also thinks that he should be able to do whatever whenever.When i take stuff away from him for not listening it doesnt seem to bother him I have also tried the approach of sitting down and talkng to hm about what he is doing and how it makes me feel but it doesn't seem to bother him much.He also has a bad habit of talking back to me about every-thing i say or make smart remarks.If any-one out there has any suggestions or advice it would be appreciated.I am just so stressed out and i am not sure what to do next.I don't want to make him hate me.
 
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