Message Boards

Topic : We Disagree On Punishment

Number of Replies: 185
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:51:36 pm
Author : dataimport
"My husband is a spanker, but I don't believe in hitting my child." "My son knows he can run to my wife when I've told him no." Does this sound familiar? Tell us your story.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

April 30, 2008, 1:37 pm CDT

At my wit's end

Recently we've been having major disciplinary problems with our 9 year old son. For the second time in two weeks, he's gotten in major trouble at the home of our private sitter. Last week he threw a valuable toy at another child, nearly hitting him and destroying the toy. The same day, he overheard our sitter and my wife discussing a serious health issue of the sitter's daughter, and immediately ran to the little girl and told her she was going to die!!

 

Today I find out that he insulted a kid in the sitter's neighborhood as he walked by the sitter's house. He knows this boy from school and has had run-ins with him in the past.

 

Our sitter is very close to ending our child care arrangement because of all of this. To make matters worse, my wife and I disagree on punishment. I say it's OK to spank him when he behaves like this, even though at 9 years old it may seem to some that he is too old. My wife is pretty much dead set against any form of physical punishment. Not surprisingly, I was raised in a home with a strict father who did spank on occasion. On the other hand, my wife can literally count on one hand the number of times that her parents spanked her.

 

I'm at my wit's end. I'm so angry and upset with my son right now that I could scream. I want so badly to spank him to get my point across, but I know that will just cause more division between my wife and I. What can I do to get through to my son the severity of his recent actions, as well as discipline him? And how do I handle things with my wife?

 
May 1, 2008, 10:35 am CDT

sitter problems

Quote From: crockett3663

Recently we've been having major disciplinary problems with our 9 year old son. For the second time in two weeks, he's gotten in major trouble at the home of our private sitter. Last week he threw a valuable toy at another child, nearly hitting him and destroying the toy. The same day, he overheard our sitter and my wife discussing a serious health issue of the sitter's daughter, and immediately ran to the little girl and told her she was going to die!!

 

Today I find out that he insulted a kid in the sitter's neighborhood as he walked by the sitter's house. He knows this boy from school and has had run-ins with him in the past.

 

Our sitter is very close to ending our child care arrangement because of all of this. To make matters worse, my wife and I disagree on punishment. I say it's OK to spank him when he behaves like this, even though at 9 years old it may seem to some that he is too old. My wife is pretty much dead set against any form of physical punishment. Not surprisingly, I was raised in a home with a strict father who did spank on occasion. On the other hand, my wife can literally count on one hand the number of times that her parents spanked her.

 

I'm at my wit's end. I'm so angry and upset with my son right now that I could scream. I want so badly to spank him to get my point across, but I know that will just cause more division between my wife and I. What can I do to get through to my son the severity of his recent actions, as well as discipline him? And how do I handle things with my wife?

How much supervision does your son get at the sitter's house?  What kind of consequences does he have when he is there?  He is YOUR son, but when he is at the sitter's house, you have NO control over his actions.  It is up to the sitter to provide proper supervision...leave kids alone, and they will get into trouble...kids are good at that.  Kids need IMMEDIATE consequences...spanking him, or otherwise applying discipline at the end of the day really does NOTHING for the immediate situation at your sitter's house.  He needs to have immediate feedback and consequences...time-outs are still effective at age 9, as long as they are enforced.

 

How long has this behavior been going on?  Have you ever considered discussing it with a counselor?  A counselor can be very helpful in offering suggestions for you and your babysitter.

 

Age 9 is pretty old for spanking...you would have to hit him pretty hard to "get your point across"...and that borders on abuse...spanking is more for the toddler who is about to do something dangerous, or about to break something...a slap on the hand or butt...

 

You can inflict consequences at home for behavior at the babysitter's house...for the broken toy, he might have to do work to earn money to pay for the broken toy...

 

You are not there to inflict immediate consequences at the sitter's house, but there is something you can do at home...be sure that your son is receiving plenty of positive attention at home...AND start a behavior chart...add a star every day to the chart for reports of good behavior...have a reward he can earn after earning so many stars...reward him that day with something like computer or video game time...if there is a bad report, no video time that day...we use computer time as the "cookie" for our kids...when their homework and chores are done, they can have an hour on the computer.

 

Is your son involved in any extra-curricular activities?  Scouts?  Sports?  Give him something to look forward to and be committed to...something that he can do with a parent...our boys have been involved in Scouts since 1st grade...it's really a good program...and a way for parents to touch bases...you might find that mis-behavior isn't so uncommon...kids push their limits all the time...they need somebody at the reins to keep them in line.

 

I hope some of this is helpful...I'm pretty long-winded...our kids mis-behave, but there are always immediate consequences...and we feel like broken records at times...they don't seem to learn on the first time around...but that's part of being a kid...

 

You and your wife really do need to discuss the discipline policy in your house...who is the "boss"?  You and your wife are in charge...no negotiating on that...be consistent on whatever you decide...kids need to know what to expect when they behave and mis-behave...I think that having to "earn" the good things is a good way to start...it puts a more positive spin than to "take away" something for bad behavior.  Again, a counselor might be able to give you some suggestions for your individual situation...

 

Becky

 
May 1, 2008, 11:14 am CDT

10 year olds

Quote From: melissa0759

I have a 10 year old son,who i love dearly with all of my heart.He does not want to listen when he is told to do  something or told not to do something.He also thinks that he should be able to do whatever whenever.When i take stuff away from him for not listening it doesnt seem to bother him I have also tried the approach of sitting down and talkng to hm about what he is doing and how it makes me feel but it doesn't seem to bother him much.He also has a bad habit of talking back to me about every-thing i say or make smart remarks.If any-one out there has any suggestions or advice it would be appreciated.I am just so stressed out and i am not sure what to do next.I don't want to make him hate me.

Our youngest son is 10 years old...what is it about that age??  I think that they are starting to develop their independence, wanting to have a voice...but that doesn't mean that you have to put up with his guff.

 

Our 10 year old will drop to the floor and refuse to get up when there is something he doesn't want to do...or throw a fit...that's a NO GO with MOM...certainly doesn't earn him anything that he wants...He knows that if he does that, he will be dragged to his room to calm down...and since he has to do his homework and chores before he gets any time on the computer, he isn't helping himself by refusing...usually, he is pretty dedicated to doing his homework and does very well in school, and the dropping to the floor isn't a daily occurance anymore...I think it is directly related to his level of tiredness...we really have to enforce going to bed on time in order to make sure that he gets enough sleep.  He has trouble falling asleep, so the doctor said to give him Benadryl at bedtime...he has allergies, so the Benadryl has double benefits...since starting him on the Benadryl, his behavior has greatly improved...just getting a good night's sleep makes all the difference in the world...

 

Take a look at your child's daily routine.  Is he getting enough sleep?  Is he eating healthy foods? How is his behavior at school?  Around other kids?  Around other adults?  Is he getting enough attention when he is NOT misbehaving?  Does he have clear and consistent consequences for his behavior?  (good and bad behavior). 

 

We have homework troubles with our 14 year old...we drew up a homework contract that includes rewards for bringing his work home, or a note from the teacher if there is "no homework"...since he is really motivated by getting time on the computer, that's what we use...since instituting the contract, we have seen great improvement...if you want to see the specific contract, it is posted on a recent posting on Dr. Phil's "School Issues" board, under the "Teens/Pre-teens" heading.

 

Our 10 year old has recently been talking back...a sharp verbal reprimand is what he gets...and a do-over, where he has to state what he just said in a respectful manner...do it enough, and he'll learn to be respectful...because it really is showing dis-respect to talk back to his parents.

 

It is natural for kids to push their limits...we, as parents, have to set the boundries and enforce them...if they get away with it once, they will assume that this is the "new rule"...and they will bring it up again and again..."you let me do it before...why not now?"  Supervision...don't let them get into trouble in the first place...but if they do...they must have consequences...sometimes the natural consequences are enough...but if the natural consequences are not apparent or immediate, we have to inflict consequences...do-overs and time-outs are still effective on 10 year olds...even 14 year olds...it gets the point across...our kids like to bicker with one-another...we will put them in a chair at opposite ends of the house...they can come out when they think they can agree with each other to be nice...I don't care how many times it takes...that's what they get every time.  Then, they have to do-over...politely ask, rather than yelling...they are bickering less these days...maybe it's the consequences...maybe they're growing up...

 

For severe talking back, there's always SOAP...dish soap is non-toxic...just a drop wiped on the lips is enough to get the point across...LOL

 

All kidding aside, let the consequences fit the crime...save the yelling for when the house is on fire...be the boss...don't worry about your son "hating" you...you are the MOM, not his best friend...you are the one that has to make him do what he doesnt' want to, and to be respectful.  Be sure that your child gets positive comments and consequences for good behavior...if all they hear is negative, they will just get worse.

 

I hope this helps...I tend to be long-winded...I don't have all the answers...we have three boys...ages 19, 14, and 10...and we've survived...made some mistakes along the way, hopefully learned from them...and we've learned that what works for one may not work as well on another...they are all different...and what works and doesn't work changes as they grow...the main thing is to be the BOSS...be the MOM...

 

Time-outs and do-overs...probably the most effective immediate consequence...having to earn the good things...but don't make it impossible...it is pretty easy for our kids to earn their computer time...just do their homework and chores in a timely manner...we don't "take it away" for bad behavior...they just don't earn it unless they do what they are supposed to...

 

Becky

 
May 7, 2008, 1:50 pm CDT

PLEASE

Quote From: fritangela

It seems that your spouse does all of the grochery shopping.I think you should get in there and start doing it.If you tell your spouse that you care,Say, I dont want them to get made fun of when they get older.I want them to eat as healthy as they can.So they can be in sports be happy,and feel good about themselves.I think when a lot of people eat healthy they feel good and are more confident about themselves.. 

-sheena- 

Listen, Do you actually think that she doesn't know how or what to feed their kids. SHE DOES, she elects not to. It is taught to us in the 3rd grade, remember the 4 food groups.Stand up, take control, and TELL them what the are going to TRY. not eat TRY. I believe every child should try everything placed on there plate at least once.What I mean by try is eat the entire amount placed on their plate. not one measly little bite.
 
May 27, 2008, 2:39 pm CDT

I totally disagree with you, Dr. Phil

I do not believe that parents should be negotiating with kids--especially bratty ones !  Moreover, I do not believe parents should be apologizing to kids for being their parents. It is high time kids today start realizing that they are not the ones in control--their parents are. It is time for parents to quit trying to be friends with their kids and start being their parents again. Parents need to quit worrying about offending the little darlin's, and start making nice, respectful, decent, productive human beings out of them again. It was a sad day when all the psycho-babblists decided it was more important for our kiddos to be happy and have wonderful self esteem than being good and decent people. When you are a good and decent person--happy will just come naturally.

 

I also believe people need to quit stroking all these children's self -esteem by giving them a false sense of security and popularity. Self-esteem is something that one has to build for themselves. A good athlete never just showed up to get a trophy--he/she had to earn it.  A good student never just showed up to get a diploma--he/she had to earn it.  Giving out all these participation trophies/ribbons  for just showing up and signing on is ridiculous. Some of these participation trophies are getting bigger than the actual 1st and 2nd place trophies for the winners. Everyone is too interested in making sure little Susie or Johnny is always happy, never left out., and always has everything they could possible want.  We have far exceeded "keeping up with the Jones's"--today's children now EXPECT  to keep up with rock stars and millionaire athletes.  The feel entitled.

 

When did gold stars go out of fashion ?  Now, elementary age children get pizza parties via limousine rides just for reading books.  Gimmeee a break !  Children are rewarded not for being good, but for NOT BEING BAD. What the heck ?  When did it become okay to offer a reward to a child for doing what they are SUPPOSED TO BE DOING ---behaving, following directions, doing chores, doing homework, etc.  !  Bribing one's children has become the norm. It is one major problem.  It is reflective in all areas of human development. Overindulged children are becoming overindulged adults that just can't handle anything---thus they incur major debt, turn to drugs and alcohol, become abusers, or turn to criminal activities.  Shoot, most of these spoiled, bratty kids can't even stand on their own and end up living with Mommy and Daddy 'til they are in their mid to late 30's.  If they get married and have kids, they usually divorce and then the nearing retirement parents are forced to raise their grandchildren.

 

So, let's get real !  You should have told those parents to clamp down on their parenting and not taken one more minute of crap from those  bratty kids. And, when the kids threaten to call CPS--tell 'em "go ahead and call...it's on speed dial !  I'll go get you packed up."

 
June 4, 2008, 12:22 am CDT

The parents have no self discipline

All of these parents are a mess!  They need to learn some self discipline and then one day, perhaps, they will be able to discipline their children.  Every one of the parents involved are overweight and out of control in many ways.  They need serious help.



Btw, spanking has never been proven to be an effective method of discipline.   

 
July 26, 2008, 5:03 pm CDT

Steps not allowed to descipline.

Only way I could figure how to post and hope to get Dr Phil's attention and answer.  What is the step to do while the bio parent is gone 8 hours and the child is out of control and knows the step is a deal breaker? So no partnership in child rearing and step gets no credit for good role model or nurturing the child? The step is to be eyed as a resident, a step wife/husband holding only significance to the bio head of the house hold? If the child is incarcerated or repeats rehab the bio takes the blame alone. Pretty lonely. What if bio mom or bio dad are deceased when parent takes an S.O.?  These are what I've tried to figure out and welcome your thoughts Dr Phil and anyone else.  Thank You
 
July 30, 2008, 11:36 am CDT

Discipline

I have an issue with my husband disciplining my son (which is his step son).  He's just way to hard on him and constantly makes him cry.  I have had people in my family tell me that he's "verbally abusive".   He doesn't spank my son or anything like that.  He's just constantly yelling at him and drilliing him over the stupidest stuff.  Like leaving a toy on the floor or the video game on or not pushing his chair up at the dinner table.  When he yells at him he's never calling him names but he has this military style of doing it that seems cruel.  I have the logic that my son is a really good kid and I want him to be a kid and my husband expects him to act like he's grown.  His logic is "a child should be seen and not heard".  I have people in my family that are threatening to call social service for verbal abuse but I really don't think that's the case here.  Could I be wrong?

 
August 7, 2008, 9:36 pm CDT

We Disagree On Punishment

my partner is in and out of our lives we have a 2 and a half yr old and 4 month old our 2 yr old is constantly yelling,screaming,swearing and even throws things around i have tried taking favourite toys off her taking her dvds off her not giving her her own way she wont go to bed untill at least 11 o clock at night he thinks yelling at her is best and he smacks her bum not hard but it upsets her and then she cries for me for the next half hour i try talking to her she looks at me like like im stupid i wouldnt bother me as much but as i have a baby aswell its just starting to really get me depressed and i dont know how much more i can take  
 
September 7, 2008, 6:32 pm CDT

I hit my sister for hitting her kids....

I am at a crossroads here...I got into a physical confrontation with my sister because I was tired of keeping quiet whenever she hit or mistreated her kids. I don't know what came over me but I had had enough. I was telling our mother about what had happpened and she cursed at me and one thing led to another. We had never behaved in this way before. Needless to say we have had a falling out and hardly speak to each other. My parents blame me for it all and even confronted me, while drinking, that I hated my sister and demanded that 'you hate your sister and you don't love her..'. I was left with my jaw open and hurt feelings. I need to know if I was wrong. I would have defended her kids from anyone else who was hurting them including their own mother. I need some input....Thanks! 
 
First | Prev | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | Next | Last