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Topic : We Disagree On Punishment

Number of Replies: 185
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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:51:36 pm
Author : dataimport
"My husband is a spanker, but I don't believe in hitting my child." "My son knows he can run to my wife when I've told him no." Does this sound familiar? Tell us your story.

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December 13, 2005, 9:46 am CST

Years Has Changed

  

There is alot of displicine  all over the world. Punishement, out of control, anger, get out on someone that  make you angry, Lots of things. I see this changes all those years from 1970 to now. 

On teleivsion there are programs Nanny 911 and  SuperNanny and Other show call Families. There are wonderfulf shows to watch. I saw one yesterday of Nanny 911 its so much alike ours. I think our kids are too late they are adult and almost on thier own.  I would understand if anyone dont have any channels to watch it or cannot afford addition program it will be nice to buy book  and read it  or go to library either website  I m there there are alots to say. I wished those programs were back in 1980s. When me and my husband he really thought this people anyone on the show was worse than us. Of course but we do have similar  problems no one s perfect.  

Discpline  conquences  is only part can deal with it. Society here today in Canada are soo easy  the children  and teens are so easy to get away with it. Thank goodness not have child at all if it was today I would deal take care proper ways.. I dont mean against the kids. I loved kids its society we are looking into  not very simple. Didnt u find that way. Put on post  tell us about it Usa  Canada  other world  lets here it how the law is how we displince everyone.. Look this there is elderly nursing home huh.. abuse!! not easy I hoped Dr Phil  can see this perhaps can help other families go through suffering.  

 
December 13, 2005, 11:55 pm CST

To spank or not to spank?

To spank or not to spank? This appears to be an inherited "trait." Unless someone who was spanked, stopped the cycle, and didn't spank their own kids, it continues throughout generations without question. Some will even defend it with adamant defiance that it is the only affective discipline tool with children to "keep" them in line. What never ceases to amaze me is how selective memory has afforded many the ability to actually re-invent what spanking felt like as a child and interpret it to mean so much more than the demeaning act that it was. I hear, " I was spanked and I turned out fine." "Yes, I spank my kids because I love them enough to do it." (wow think I'd rather be loved less, how about you?) "I don't beat my kids, I spank them and there is a difference." (Hum? Hitting less harder makes hitting ok?) "If my parents didn't spank me I don't know how I would have turned out." (No, you don't. You may just have had a much more open relationship with your parents) "My kids aren't out of control because they know I'll whip them if they are." (Yes they are living in fear and taking notes now on what not to tell you in the future)

Ironically some of us don't look back at those spankings so fondly. Some of us remember the real fear and the real pain involved, and remember the message of what the spanking was for, was lost through that fear. Some of us don't agree with the reasons for continuing to demean children in this way.  Teaching a child through pain will not make them remember why. Rarely will they remember what the spanking was for, rather they'll remember the look on the parents face, the tone in their voice and the feeling of helplessness with someone 3 times their size using pain as a discipline tool.  Discipline means to "teach."  Not punish. That to me is far greater of a difference than a spanking verses a beating.

Kids became very smart and realized that any admissions of guilt would result in a spanking. Deny, deny, and keep denying, was the rule.  So you see selective memory and creative writing may be able to rearrange what we thought were the benefits but only to be later revealed as scars.

Children are not subhuman, they are innocent, and they feel and absorb everything they see and hear. They depend upon us to protect them. They will make mistakes and they will fail. But they will only succeed if they are free to try new things. This is not to be confused with allowing them to misbehave intentionally. But we don't discipline for a first offense. We use it as a grounds to teach and lay down healthy boundaries. Can any of us just imagine what it would be like to work for a bass who yelled at us, or hit us, when we made mistakes on the first day of a new job? Children are on that new job. Everyday is a new opportunity for learning. Instead of punishing them for making mistakes we need to seize the time to teach them what we expect of them. All children feel much safer in environments where they know what is expected of them. To hit first and ask questions later is being punished for your mistakes. I don't have to yell at my kids. I save a raised voice for when the moment is vital and because they are not immune to hearing me scream they stop and listen. IE:When they are about to walk into the street.

I hear religious dialogue exchanged to reinforce one side or the other. "Spare the rod spoil the child."  Not unlike our own constitution we have interpreted the Bible to mean whatever fits our life in so many areas.

I also hear so many say they never hit out of anger and they use spanking only as a last resort. There's that selective memory again.  If you have to make excuses, then is it really the right thing to do? NO!

Yes, many children will grow up and spank their kids too. Children do learn what they live. They will use the same selective memory to minimize the true devastation and fear they endured to enable them to continue this with their own kids. Some of us remember how it really felt and found other methods that were just as affective and not near as painful for us or our children.

 
December 15, 2005, 9:08 am CST

Yelling at Kids

Well my husband and I got into a disagreement this morning and I need some help with this. My daughter is 5 years old. She is in K and my husband takes her to school since I work about 20 miles away from home. So I have to leave before she has to be to school. I get myself ready in the morning help her get ready. Then I give her breakfast and I am usually out the door at this point. Well today I was running a little late and I am glad I did because of what I saw and heard. I was coming down the stairs to get my jacket and leave and my husband was about 2 inches from my daughters face YELLING at her "to hurry up so she isn't late to school and he isn't late to work". Now at this point she is almost in tears. Trying to eat her breakfast, I was so glad I was there at this point. I stepped in and asked him why he was so close her to her face yelling at her like that. He said because she always watches him get ready and doesn't eat her breakfast and that makes both of them late. I told him that was uncalled for to yell at her like that. Because that doesn't solve anything it just makes things worse which in turn got him mad at me. He is her step-dad, so he is a little tough on her. Him and I have had numerous discussions on how to discipline her. Spanking doesn't work, time outs don't work. We have tried to set a timer when she eats and she still takes her time. I am out of things to do with her to help this situation. I am the easy going on with her. I always have been and I don't know how to change, he is the tough one with her. He wants her to be the perfect little child, and I'm sorry but no child is perfect. So I need some suggestions on what we can do to change this and help us out because I found out that I am about 10 weeks pregnant and I don't want to raise another child with all of this going on. I have until July to get this under control. So if anybody could help me that would be great.
 
December 15, 2005, 3:17 pm CST

We Disagree On Punishment

Quote From: becky26

Well my husband and I got into a disagreement this morning and I need some help with this. My daughter is 5 years old. She is in K and my husband takes her to school since I work about 20 miles away from home. So I have to leave before she has to be to school. I get myself ready in the morning help her get ready. Then I give her breakfast and I am usually out the door at this point. Well today I was running a little late and I am glad I did because of what I saw and heard. I was coming down the stairs to get my jacket and leave and my husband was about 2 inches from my daughters face YELLING at her "to hurry up so she isn't late to school and he isn't late to work". Now at this point she is almost in tears. Trying to eat her breakfast, I was so glad I was there at this point. I stepped in and asked him why he was so close her to her face yelling at her like that. He said because she always watches him get ready and doesn't eat her breakfast and that makes both of them late. I told him that was uncalled for to yell at her like that. Because that doesn't solve anything it just makes things worse which in turn got him mad at me. He is her step-dad, so he is a little tough on her. Him and I have had numerous discussions on how to discipline her. Spanking doesn't work, time outs don't work. We have tried to set a timer when she eats and she still takes her time. I am out of things to do with her to help this situation. I am the easy going on with her. I always have been and I don't know how to change, he is the tough one with her. He wants her to be the perfect little child, and I'm sorry but no child is perfect. So I need some suggestions on what we can do to change this and help us out because I found out that I am about 10 weeks pregnant and I don't want to raise another child with all of this going on. I have until July to get this under control. So if anybody could help me that would be great.
I think yelling as a discipline type attitude is demeaning and cruel and can be emotional abuse. Since he says that she is always watching him get ready, I am assuming they are both in the kitchen since she is suppose to be eating, maybe he needs tog et ready in another room so she can't pay attention to him or have her to eat before he gets ready.Your daughter is only 5 and still needs reminded when it comes to the concept of time, you have to be consisten and let her know that she only has so long to eat, giving her enough time of course and stick with it. I know that you said you have used the timer, but maybe go back to that and make the time a little longer but once the time goes off, eating time is over, stick to it and in time she will get the idea. My oldest who will be five soon is slow when it comes to getting ready, even with extra time but the child knows that when the clocl says a certain time we are out the door, All I have to say is , "Amy, it is time to go, get your coat on", in the process, I am getting mine on and when I open the door, she flies LOL. Don't mess around, just do it. You and hubby need to get on the same page with this, think of a different system, sounds like she should be all by her self while eating, nothing to distract her.
 
January 5, 2006, 7:03 am CST

The man of my Dreams don't think he fits

The man in my life feels that my son is a spoiled brat and that I am not strict enough in the discipline department.  My son is only 6 and he thinks that it is too late for him to be apart of our family.  My son does not know his father his father has only seen him once and he was 4 months old.  My dream man is every thing I want in a man but if he feels that he can not fit then we will never be married and become a family.  Is it too late to make changes in my discipline style and is it too late for my son to break some behavior issues?  I do not disagree with the man in my life I just don't know what to do to make it work for everyone.
 
January 5, 2006, 12:19 pm CST

I need to correct this

Quote From: ttime4bran

The man in my life feels that my son is a spoiled brat and that I am not strict enough in the discipline department.  My son is only 6 and he thinks that it is too late for him to be apart of our family.  My son does not know his father his father has only seen him once and he was 4 months old.  My dream man is every thing I want in a man but if he feels that he can not fit then we will never be married and become a family.  Is it too late to make changes in my discipline style and is it too late for my son to break some behavior issues?  I do not disagree with the man in my life I just don't know what to do to make it work for everyone.
The man in my life said "I don't want to work that hard"  I guess I just need to decide if I am going to stay in the relationship as is or break it off because there is no potential of a future.
 
January 8, 2006, 11:31 am CST

other parent questioning me

I have a question is it right or fair for my husband to question in front of our son about why I'm punishing him in time out or if i smack his hand everytime no matter what he's always on top of why i'm punishing my son right in front of him it really p**ses me off bad but I just tell him to shut up dont question me.  I know thats not the righ response but eric is one of these people that you cannot make him see your point no matter how obvious, he's very anal about everything and honestly I some times wish i new back then what I know about him now cause I would have probably made a different choice (been 15 long years now) but anyways going off track there, I want an opinion about this cause I dont think he should question me about this especially in front of our son.   

  

Thanks 

Shannon 

 
January 8, 2006, 2:33 pm CST

We Disagree On Punishment

Quote From: shanit

I have a question is it right or fair for my husband to question in front of our son about why I'm punishing him in time out or if i smack his hand everytime no matter what he's always on top of why i'm punishing my son right in front of him it really p**ses me off bad but I just tell him to shut up dont question me.  I know thats not the righ response but eric is one of these people that you cannot make him see your point no matter how obvious, he's very anal about everything and honestly I some times wish i new back then what I know about him now cause I would have probably made a different choice (been 15 long years now) but anyways going off track there, I want an opinion about this cause I dont think he should question me about this especially in front of our son.   

  

Thanks 

Shannon 

I agree that things like this should not be discussed in front of children as they are smart and will eventually play one parent against the other and that will make things worse. Disagreements need to be discussed in private and a solution worked out together, parenting really works better with two parents working together, it teaches the kids that respect is very imporant and that both parents are in charge and respect one another. And it teaches them that rules and boundaries are meant to be kept, not broken which has to be done/taught as a team.
 
January 24, 2006, 6:56 am CST

depends

Quote From: jettav

I agree that things like this should not be discussed in front of children as they are smart and will eventually play one parent against the other and that will make things worse. Disagreements need to be discussed in private and a solution worked out together, parenting really works better with two parents working together, it teaches the kids that respect is very imporant and that both parents are in charge and respect one another. And it teaches them that rules and boundaries are meant to be kept, not broken which has to be done/taught as a team.
it depends on the situation.  but yes i see nothing wrong wth giving a child a spanking.  i was spanked as a child and i turned out fine.  i am not a criminla never seen a jail ceel, have two college degrees.
 
January 24, 2006, 7:01 am CST

spoiled brats

my husband has a daughter from a previous marriage and i have a son from a previous marriage.    whenever she disrepects e or talks to me mean and nast, he never says anything to her.  when my son disrepsects me or him and i go to correct him, my husband says i have a anger problem and need to go get it checked out.  the type of disrespect i am talking about, is my son calls me fat ass,  he calls me other names and point blank makes mean nasty jokes.  my son is only 8 and his daughter is 10..  he says i should not squlch there since of humor.  i told him calling your parents name and making mean nasty jokes on them to there face is not a sense of humor.  i was never allowed to talk to my parents nor would i want to the way his daughter and my son do.  it is getting so bad that i have considered divorcing him.  he should repect me and ask the children to stop.  what do any of you have any suggestions?
 
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