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Topic : We Disagree On Punishment

Number of Replies: 185
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:51:36 pm
Author : dataimport
"My husband is a spanker, but I don't believe in hitting my child." "My son knows he can run to my wife when I've told him no." Does this sound familiar? Tell us your story.

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February 16, 2006, 5:26 pm CST

Punishment Is A Good Thing!

I think punishment is good for parents to put upon their children. Even if the punishment is nothing but giving them more chores to do. My daughters use to go running to my wife when they couldn't get their way  with me(wanting something). I told my wife to turn them around and send them back to me. Because my moto is "I'm the king in this(my)castle(house) so I say what goes,comes,leave,stay,do,don't,speak,or just shut up. But this is only said toward our children. My wife and I have disagreements. But we sit down and talk about it/them behind close doors away from the kids presents. We(my wife and I) let our daughters know that we are parents first then friends. That until they get 18(old enough to move out as ladies) they don't have no say so about ANYTHING! They don't make no decisions,don't have no responsibilities,don't pay no bills. So that means they until then(move out) they listen to us and do what we say do, or their will be consequences and repercussions. And we don't just go out and buy our daughters clothes and other material things that they just want(just because they ask). Nooooooo, it all depends on how they've been acting during the week/month. We stop phone calls if homework isn't done(first). I don't take them to school if they don't make their beds(they'll ride the bus if not). This may sound(to the board readers)like we are bad/strict parents. But beleive this or not. Our daughters are is agreement with us. They said that punishment will help them in the long run when they get out on their own. They will be able to do things for themselves instead of waiting for a man to do it. They want to be independent women. They even get outside and do yard work(leaves,pinecones,branches,driveway and etc.. I don't think that the parents should do all of the work when they got children that's old enough to help out. Even if the child/children is just 8 years old or older. The thing is that parents must start their children to do things(responsibilities) while they are young. And usually that's the way they'll continue through their lives. But (parents) don't be afraid of your children. And don't allow them to use profanity in your presents. Basically what I'm saying is, don't say/do things in front of your child/children that you don't want them to do/say to people. It will not only make them look bad. But make you(as parents) look bad also. And as for the man of the house. Be the man(man-up) in your house. Be the king of your castle. Be the boss of your job. Men don't let your wife raise your son/daughter. You(man) be the one that run things as the strong arm. And it doesn't matter who makes the most money either. MAN-UP(man) and stand as the man that you suppose to be in the household. As I quote from a famous wrestler, KNOW YOUR ROLE!
 
February 21, 2006, 2:56 pm CST

This is an American Nightmare School K-12

Quote From: powers009

If this is an American school system why don't you go to your town assembly man or mayor? I would go to the news paper local television station and if the people in the town think you are a trouble maker then just look at them and say butt out!! I am so sick and tired of the inequity in the school systems. If you have money they kiss your butt and if you don't they expect you to kiss theirs. Get yourself a lawyer some will take cases probono. You may also qualify for a free attorney. Call your local court house for information on this service. I hope  everything works out for you. Maybe you and some of the other family's could lead a protest. Make noise be heard. Remember the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

For starters we went to the School Principle/ Superintendent was the same person, School board(some of there kids are the ones doing the Bullying), State Super Intendant....  I have now written letters to Senators and Representatives.  Attorneys don't want to take the case because there is no profit in it.   

Town's are small.  Closest major City is 90 miles away.  The school is for about 4 towns all less than 100 people each.   The people that have trouble are always people that move here.  And it has been going on for generations.  I here more and more story's about so and so when they moved here.  Even a boy that committed suicide a few years ago.   

It is like a fish bowl and we are the feeder fish that were just released.  We Moved here from New York this was supposed to be our dream.  The first time we have ever owned a home.  the first time my husband has ever been in one spot for his job.   This was supposed to be the place the boys were to have there High School Years.  Then get ready for college.  Have girl friends ride bikes and Be in 4H. 

We have moved and Moved so much with his job and now there isn't anywhere for him to go.  We have no other way to support our selves.  I was hurt in 2002.  I can not work and I am on so much medication.  This is NOT helping!  Just had surgery in Nov.  I am slipping backwards. 

I am so depressed I want to sleep.  I want to curl up in a ball.  I know I cant.  I just feel like I am fighting a brick wall.  Everyone is afraid of the school here esp after I was turned into Social Serviced last Spring. 

Oh yeah that was all dropped Social Services thought it was ridiculous her words.  My kids were supposedly throwing rocks at each other.  And I was turned in for abuse and Neglect.  It just so happens to be at the EXACT same time I was trying to get them to do something about the Bullying and had been told I could NOT start a PTA.  And my son got detention for FARTING. 

And a Teacher was in a bar saying that exact same thing but its not all related???   

And I am NOT paranoid and PEOPLE are NOT afraid of what they will do next!  If I was not living it I would wonder who was writing this??   

Trina 

  

  

 
February 23, 2006, 1:42 pm CST

ex husband don't believe in pushiment

I AM SO FRUSTRATED !!! My exhusband is out of controll he doesn'd enforce punishment and he beleive that my 13 year old daughter and my 6 yr old son can make their own choices on everything in life. My 13 is allowed to give out her phone number to men and boys on the internet and he feels that is up to her and that beleive everything she tells him. her grades drop in school and there is no reproction on it. my 6 yr comes and  goes when he likes and he does not enforce any punishment when it takes place at  my home. when my kids are punished at my house he doesnt send them so they dont have to deal with the punishement. my 13 old runs all over town with bad kids that are not even in school and he lets her hang out in the drug dealers part of town and nothing bothers him.. i am so frustrated he lies for my 13 yr old and covers up when something has happened so i dont find out..  what can i do.. i am pushing for full custody but I am crazy with worry
 
February 23, 2006, 1:42 pm CST

ex husband don't believe in pushiment

I AM SO FRUSTRATED !!! My exhusband is out of controll he doesn'd enforce punishment and he beleive that my 13 year old daughter and my 6 yr old son can make their own choices on everything in life. My 13 is allowed to give out her phone number to men and boys on the internet and he feels that is up to her and that beleive everything she tells him. her grades drop in school and there is no reproction on it. my 6 yr comes and  goes when he likes and he does not enforce any punishment when it takes place at  my home. when my kids are punished at my house he doesnt send them so they dont have to deal with the punishement. my 13 old runs all over town with bad kids that are not even in school and he lets her hang out in the drug dealers part of town and nothing bothers him.. i am so frustrated he lies for my 13 yr old and covers up when something has happened so i dont find out..  what can i do.. i am pushing for full custody but I am crazy with worry
 
March 3, 2006, 7:54 am CST

boyfriend & I disagree

I live with Jamie, who has joint custody of his 2 kids.(Girl, 10, and boy,6.) The boy is well mannered, well behaved, and respectful to adults. The girl is the complete opposite! She is VERY rude to everyone, will not do any chores, has temper tantrums, and constantly picks on and hits her brother.She will not take a shower without putting up a fight, and often smell bad when she comes from her mother's. She has gotten right up in my face screaming before. Jamie thinks her behavior is linked somehow to the way she's treated at her mom's, so he won't punish her for anything. It is my opinion that if he lets her continue in this manner that he's going to have even bigger problems in the long run. I have 4 kids of my own, (all grown), so it's not like I've never dealt with children. I am just at my wits end about how to deal with this.It just keeps getting worse as she gets more out of control. Any suggestions would be greatly welcome! 

  

                                                                                                              Darlene 

 
March 3, 2006, 11:02 am CST

Dear Darlene,

Quote From: darlenejr

I live with Jamie, who has joint custody of his 2 kids.(Girl, 10, and boy,6.) The boy is well mannered, well behaved, and respectful to adults. The girl is the complete opposite! She is VERY rude to everyone, will not do any chores, has temper tantrums, and constantly picks on and hits her brother.She will not take a shower without putting up a fight, and often smell bad when she comes from her mother's. She has gotten right up in my face screaming before. Jamie thinks her behavior is linked somehow to the way she's treated at her mom's, so he won't punish her for anything. It is my opinion that if he lets her continue in this manner that he's going to have even bigger problems in the long run. I have 4 kids of my own, (all grown), so it's not like I've never dealt with children. I am just at my wits end about how to deal with this.It just keeps getting worse as she gets more out of control. Any suggestions would be greatly welcome! 

  

                                                                                                              Darlene 

How long have you lived with Jamie?  

By not diciplining his daughter, he is setting her up for failure in life. When he doesn't dicipline her, it is his own cowardly act of selfishness- because he doesn't want her to get mad at him, he is doing what feels 'good' in the moment to himself, and thats not the way you raise kids.  

The sad part is that you don't have any power in this situation, because you are 'just' living there. The rules and dicipline have to come from the parents. You can only suggest to Jamie how harmful it is when he doesn't hold her to standards and then hope that he will follow through with some rules for her. Tell him that you will help him when he is trying to enforce rules, too- perhaps having someone back him up will be helpful.  

However, if he is reluctant to make and enforce rules, you need to ask yourself how much longer can you be there and watch this disaster unfold? I urge you not to give up trying to get through to Jamie how important it is for kids to have rules to live by. They need rules- rules are like proof that parents love their kids and care about what happens to them. 

 
March 3, 2006, 11:12 am CST

Crazy with worry

Quote From: justmekat

I AM SO FRUSTRATED !!! My exhusband is out of controll he doesn'd enforce punishment and he beleive that my 13 year old daughter and my 6 yr old son can make their own choices on everything in life. My 13 is allowed to give out her phone number to men and boys on the internet and he feels that is up to her and that beleive everything she tells him. her grades drop in school and there is no reproction on it. my 6 yr comes and  goes when he likes and he does not enforce any punishment when it takes place at  my home. when my kids are punished at my house he doesnt send them so they dont have to deal with the punishement. my 13 old runs all over town with bad kids that are not even in school and he lets her hang out in the drug dealers part of town and nothing bothers him.. i am so frustrated he lies for my 13 yr old and covers up when something has happened so i dont find out..  what can i do.. i am pushing for full custody but I am crazy with worry

First of all, I urge you to keep a diary with dates and times that your ex allows the kids to do inappropriate things. This will be very helpfull later, if something were to ever happen to the children, and it will also be helpful with your quest for custody. 

When kids have rules to live by, they may complain and try to break the rules, but they really do need and actually want rules in their lives! Rules are like 'proof' that a parent loves their kids. What your ex is doing by not expecting good from the children is this: he is doing what feels good for himself, right now in the moment. He is being purely selfish, he wants to be "the good guy" in the kids' eyes, and he will ruin their lives to do this for himself. Sick! 

I would be crazy with worry, also. At 13, your daughter shouldn't be giving out her phone number and running around with the wrong crowd... her parents need to know where she is at all times because at her age, she isn't capable of making mature decisions if she were to end up in a 'bad' situation!! I know that you know this, and I am just validating that knowledge for you.  

My only suggestion is that you continue to push for full custody and don't give up!! By enforcing rules, you are doing what is right for the kids now and in the future. They will thank you someday, but right now they aren't mature enough to look that far ahead. Your ex sounds like a selfish jerk who only cares about himself. If he really loved those kids he would care enough to set some guidlines.. but instead he is setting them up for failure in life. Try to limit the time that they spend with him. Every chance that you get, tell your kids that you love them and you care about them very much, they can never hear that enough. Also, engage in activities with the children where you interact with them in a fun and relaxed way, this is so that you build up a loving and stable bond. This might be difficult with your 13 year old, but keep trying!! I wish you the best! 

 
March 7, 2006, 7:34 am CST

We Disagree On Punishment

Quote From: jenoc99

How long have you lived with Jamie?  

By not diciplining his daughter, he is setting her up for failure in life. When he doesn't dicipline her, it is his own cowardly act of selfishness- because he doesn't want her to get mad at him, he is doing what feels 'good' in the moment to himself, and thats not the way you raise kids.  

The sad part is that you don't have any power in this situation, because you are 'just' living there. The rules and dicipline have to come from the parents. You can only suggest to Jamie how harmful it is when he doesn't hold her to standards and then hope that he will follow through with some rules for her. Tell him that you will help him when he is trying to enforce rules, too- perhaps having someone back him up will be helpful.  

However, if he is reluctant to make and enforce rules, you need to ask yourself how much longer can you be there and watch this disaster unfold? I urge you not to give up trying to get through to Jamie how important it is for kids to have rules to live by. They need rules- rules are like proof that parents love their kids and care about what happens to them. 

    I just wanted to say thanks for the advice. I showed jamie what was written, and i think he now realizes the way i feel. thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
March 8, 2006, 10:25 pm CST

Stepparenting

I need advice as I have been a single Mom for 8 years. In Year 2001 I got married to a man I knew for 1 year, but fell head over heels in love. I have 3 children now, teenagers. I need support raising 

them as they seem to have lost respect for me. They have seen my new Husband and I fight and 

don't like anger. We have stopped recently being angry in front of them for any reason. At the same 

time My new Husband treats my daughter like a saint and my 17 year old Son like a Sinner. They have had some verbal disagreements and I have gotten in the middle of it and defended my Son as my Husband used to raise his voice and say cutting remarks to be heard and prove himself 

right. Where were at now is scary as my Son avoids contact with anyone in the House goes to his 

room for refuge and stays at his friends house till his curvew every night. He has no respect now 

for his StepDad and in turn feels I'm being hard on him as I am the only discipline he receives now. 

My Husband has just said I can't do it, I don't know how and you take care of it. So now I am left with 

it all, working, cooking, cleaning and all the discpline and when the kids yell at me or disrespect me he says nothing and just smiles. I am in a hard place becuase I'm losing respect for him too. 

He has a bad temper and knows he can't control it so he says nothing, then talks about my Son 

behind his back to me calling him names. How childish. I want my kids to feel peaceful in their 

home and talk to me openly like they use to. Don't know where to go from here. I'm ready to give up 

on my marriage and go back to single Mom because it was better and I was happier. My husband 

is home every nite and it gives no-one breathing room to sit in the Family Room and just relax. 

Everyone runs to their bedrooms including me. (I quess thats normal for teenagers) but not for me. 

Is this the norm for Parents & Steps? 

  

 
March 9, 2006, 2:28 pm CST

Blended family distress!!

I have been married for two years.  My husband is a wonderful man, but he does have some anger issues.  He grew up w/an alcoholic father who verbally, mentally, and physically abused him.  He is now, for the past year, estranged from his father.  That gives some background on my husband.  I have raised my son for 10 years on my own before my husband and I got together.  He has not really had any strong male role models in his life other than my family.  That gives some background on me.  We have three children in our home full time.  He has full custody of his two girls 10 & 8 and I have a 13 year old boy.  We argue over how to discipline the children all the time, mainly my son.  I feel that my husband is too harsh as he is yells, screams, cusses, calls names, threatens and belittles my son.  My son is frightened of my husband at times, but at the same time, he loves and respects him.  My husband does not believe that my son has those feelings of love and respect, he says that he only likes him when he's doing something for him.  I disagree.  He also says that I allow my son to be the man of the house when he is not there and take on that man role model.  I don't see that I do this, but he constantly says that I do.  I'm afraid that my marriage is doomed for divorce if we can't fix this problem over disciplining my son.  And I'm afriad that my son will grow angry from the lack of love from my husband.  I'm afraid that my son will grow to resent me and my husband and since he's a teenager will turn to the wrong things/people for acceptance.  How can we get past this??? Any suggestions? 
 
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