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Topic : We Disagree On Punishment

Number of Replies: 185
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:51:36 pm
Author : dataimport
"My husband is a spanker, but I don't believe in hitting my child." "My son knows he can run to my wife when I've told him no." Does this sound familiar? Tell us your story.

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March 10, 2006, 2:35 pm CST

Suggestion

Quote From: kakers

I have been married for two years.  My husband is a wonderful man, but he does have some anger issues.  He grew up w/an alcoholic father who verbally, mentally, and physically abused him.  He is now, for the past year, estranged from his father.  That gives some background on my husband.  I have raised my son for 10 years on my own before my husband and I got together.  He has not really had any strong male role models in his life other than my family.  That gives some background on me.  We have three children in our home full time.  He has full custody of his two girls 10 & 8 and I have a 13 year old boy.  We argue over how to discipline the children all the time, mainly my son.  I feel that my husband is too harsh as he is yells, screams, cusses, calls names, threatens and belittles my son.  My son is frightened of my husband at times, but at the same time, he loves and respects him.  My husband does not believe that my son has those feelings of love and respect, he says that he only likes him when he's doing something for him.  I disagree.  He also says that I allow my son to be the man of the house when he is not there and take on that man role model.  I don't see that I do this, but he constantly says that I do.  I'm afraid that my marriage is doomed for divorce if we can't fix this problem over disciplining my son.  And I'm afriad that my son will grow angry from the lack of love from my husband.  I'm afraid that my son will grow to resent me and my husband and since he's a teenager will turn to the wrong things/people for acceptance.  How can we get past this??? Any suggestions? 

I can totally relate to your situation and its only been 2 years. It needs to get better or stopped before 

your 13 Year Son really becomes an angry teenager. Your new Husband sounds fine with the girls. 

They are his it sounds like but hes also  treating them different then your Son. I was a Single Mom 

for 8 Years with my Son and am in the same situation. Because of his own abuse as a child your husband is blinded. Don't live in denial either. It does not get better until he owns up to this harsh treatment. of your Son. Trial Seperation could be the answer and get some Family Counseling for all 3 of you. This problem is being caused by your Husband not your Son. You could grow to be angry at both of them if it continues, because eventually your Son will start acting out his frustrations.   

  

 
March 17, 2006, 8:31 am CST

He just doesn't realize

My fiance, who is the father of my two children, just doesn't realize what a butthead he is sometimes.  He will yell at our 3 year old for things that he cannot possibly comprehend.  He tried to explain things that our son will not grasp for years.  He knows how old our son is, but he doesn't know how old our son is.  I have tried to explain to him, but he just doesn't get it.  He is also FAR harsher with him than I would like.  He was raised in a family where his father had to work all the time to make ends meet and his mother was an abusive crack-head(not kidding).  I think that these are just learned behaviors.  How can I bridge the gap??
 
March 19, 2006, 11:44 pm CST

Build a bridge together

Quote From: pagan_mom2

My fiance, who is the father of my two children, just doesn't realize what a butthead he is sometimes.  He will yell at our 3 year old for things that he cannot possibly comprehend.  He tried to explain things that our son will not grasp for years.  He knows how old our son is, but he doesn't know how old our son is.  I have tried to explain to him, but he just doesn't get it.  He is also FAR harsher with him than I would like.  He was raised in a family where his father had to work all the time to make ends meet and his mother was an abusive crack-head(not kidding).  I think that these are just learned behaviors.  How can I bridge the gap??

Hey girl, 

It sounds like a rough spot for you guys right now.  You have a good head on your shoulders and a very big heart.  If you can talk with your fiance about how your son feels when he's so harsh with him and how that, in turn, makes you feel, it might help some.  Hopefully he will care about your feelings.  Let him know how important it is to you that you guys agree on what to do for discipline.  Tell him what plan you want to have for dealing with unacceptable behavior and ask him what his plan would be.  See if there is room for compromise on either side, but don't ever give in on keeping your son safe.  I'm sure your fiance wants your son to feel safe and secure, he just doesn't realize how his yelling and excessive harshness can make someone feel so threatened. 

Take care,
Jenny 

 
March 27, 2006, 4:12 pm CST

Scapegoat Child

My one brother married a woman who has been anorexic since she was 14.I'm not putting anyone down,no one's perfect.They seemed to get along ok & go to church every Sat evening.She had to eat fertility drugs to get pregnant. 

   When they had an apparently healthy girl,mom was always saying somethng was wrong w/ her.She was constipated,had to put suppositories in her (can I say vagina)Then the twins were born.One has Downs and was dx diabetic at 18 months.After the boys,I noted that the daughter no longer had any medical issues.She was so busy w/ the diabetic twin,that the "normal" boy (I was told) was left in his playpen & ripped up the bottom of it. 

   The "normal" boy,whom I'll call Joseph is treated badly not only by both parents but also by his two siblings.I can clearly see a culture of blam or take your frustrations out on Joseph. 

  My deceased mother wrote in her journal that Joseph was routinely blamed and /or punsihed for the actions of the diabetic twin. 

   In fact,when she'd clearly seen the one w/ Downs so something ,he quickly cried out:"Jospeh did it". 

  Joseph is prohibited from doing anything like ride his bike(he'll be twelve in six months) because the Downs twin can't. 

   I told my brother that i was disturbed by two things I saw when i was last at his home.#1 Joseph put his hand on the refrigerator door & his 16 year old sister,who is treated like the princess of the family,snarled at him asking what he was doing.Joseph mumbled something about wanting  something to eat whereupon,my neice snapped :"You don't need it!" 

        Joseph walks with his head down like he's in a prison line and looks so sad. second is when I hugged the boys,as i left,I felt Josephs back was all bones. 

    My brother,who has bought into his wifes crazy,hurry up schedule of life-if it's Sunday she & the girl HAVE to go shopping-went CRAZY.MY brother screamed that it's none of my business & he doesn't tell me what to do.The truth is EVERYONE in the family talks about them and knows how isolated they are & the mom doesn't like people in here home.She's crazy clean & never answers the phone in a civil way.It's always an angry :"YES?" and she ALWAYS says she's waiting for some important call & needs to keep the line open.To hgive an idea of how regimented & weird they are. 

   Please have mercy on this boy who is treated like he's some terribel person for being born "normal" & denied food b/c his siblings have issues    

 
April 9, 2006, 9:49 pm CDT

lying about cigaretts or smoking pot

Me and my wife got married 4 years ago, she had an 11 year old daughter who is now 16.  Her father isn't in the picture, so for the most part I have been lucky enough to be her dad.  We are very close and get along effortlessly.  My wife and I have suspected her smoking cigaretts for a while now and she has denied it.  Tonight she came home from diner with a friend and their family smelling of fresh perfume.  We smelled her breath and it was fresh toothpaste, she had gone straight to the bathroom.  We confronted her about it and she admitted  that she had smoked 1 cigarett.  She had smoked on a few occasions before, but not very often and didn't want us to think she was a smoker.  As she was admitting this, she also admitted that she had smoked pot a few times.  None in the past 6 months, but she had tried some with boys last year.  I don't want to come down too hard on her but I know she must be punished.  Not only for smoking cigaretts (in the car we bought her), smoking pot, and lying all this time about smoking. 

 
April 25, 2006, 7:56 am CDT

Husband won't discipline 13 year old daughter

Six months ago I married a wonderful man. We had dated for two years prior to marrying. He has a 13 year old daugher. I knew "Sally" would be a challange from the beginning, but thought the two of us together could handle it. We even talked about the matter at length before we married. In addition to some problems she has already, she is now starting to rebel, lie and disobey.     

   

He has raised her alone since she was four. Her mother left them and moved out of the country and has not seen her since. I told "Sally" when we decided to get married, that I'm sure her mother loves her very much and just can't come to see her because she lives too far away. I also told her that I would never try to replace her mother, but I would be there for her. Still, I'm certain there is a degree of acting out because of jealousy over our marriage.   

   

"Sally" has other issues as well. I'm not a doctor, but I think there is something else going on there.  A school nurse told me she was mildly retarded. I'm not sure I believe that, but she isn't like other children her age. She's very inmature, in many ways she acts like she's 7-8 years of age. She has no social skills, she won't comb her hair,  and barely bathes and washes herself. I've done the girly things with her and tried to show her how to wash her hair and fix it. She acts like she'sinterested and then does what she wants. She's very much a tom-boy and that's ok. I figure that's why there's a lack of interest in her appearance. It's sad because she has no friends at all. I feel bad for her because she is such an outcast, yet her behavior makes you understand why no one wants to have anything to do with her.    

   

I've encourgaged and we have gotten her involved in a lot of church actvities with girls her age, who are being counceled by teens a little older than her. Thinking that would give her someone to model herself after. It's had no effect at all.   

   

I recently talked my husband into getting her a puppy. That animal has become her best friend, but she is loving the poor thing to death. Yesterday, the poor dog was so exhausted she went upstairs to my son's room to sleep. My son was also asleep having been up all night studying. "Sally" sat outside my son's door  and called the dog over and over. When my son finally asked her to stop, she tried to wake him up by banging against the walls with the vacuum cleaner. When that didn't work she turned the heater on 85 degrees. It was 85 outside.  My husband doesn't know this. Do I tell him or let her get away with it?   

   

My husband is too nice.  He will not discipline her in any way. He only threatens. I have been telling him since I've known him that "Sally" needs to have consequences for her bad behavior. He only screams at her, then tells her he loves her, asks why she does these things to hurt him and lets it go.   

   

I have taken Dr Phil's advice and not taken a discplinary role in her life. Although I have verbally corrected her on some matters. Littles things such as staring at people, going through other people's things (including my closet, and dresser drawers), bad table manners. I've very firmly told her those actions are rude. But I have in no way discplined her.  I have gotten angry at her when she back talked, or screamed at her father.   

   

My husband seems to ignore everything she does. On the other hand it's magnified to me. He has told her ten times since we got married not to have the TV in her room on at night. At least three nights a week she turns it on. Only one time has he taken it out of her room and that was because I forced the issue. Two days later it was back on and he did nothing.  He warned her one more time and it comes out forever. Last night it was on again...he told me he was going to give her one more chance and it was coming out. I reminded him that's what he said last time and nothing was done.   

   

Two weeks ago at school, she got angry at some kids who were picking on her, kicked and broke a glass door.  Only because I once again told him he needed to do something....he grounded her for two days. I have suggested counceling for her anger. He says she doesn't need it.    

   

I feel like when I see these things he's ignoring and then bring it to his attention, I'm becoming to evil step-mother. But I see this child going down a very bad path. I told him a couple of days ago that if he doesn't get control of her now, we are going to have really big problems later. That if she feels she can get away with lying, disobeying authoriity at home and so forth, she will think she can get away with it outside the home as well.    

   

I'm at a loss. I can't discpline her, he WON'T discpiline her. I live in the home too, I pay half the bills, her behavior effects me, yet my hands are tied. It's driving a wedge between me and my husband. However, he has his head in the sand about that, too.   

   

I want to handle this the right way.  I love this man very much. I want to love his child and be there for his child, too, because I do love him. Please help.   

   

 
May 6, 2006, 10:57 am CDT

Needed help for a problem child

Hello I am a mother of an 8 year old problem child. He has been diagnosed by two different Doctors in the same facility. One says he is ADHD and the other ODD and he is out of control. He has harmed others physically and verbally. What do I do? He is split between two households as well and I am not allowed to use any kind of punishment on him , due to a court ruling. Please help. 
 
May 8, 2006, 8:22 am CDT

Being treated as child when disiplining stepson

Hello, my step son is very disrespectful to me. I went to disipline him yesterday and everytime I said something he said something smart right back to me. He is 11 years old and this has been going on for a long time. I don't want to have my marriage be effected by this but it has.  When my step son was giving me a hard time and I was disiplining him, my husband called us both in the room to have us give us our sides of the story. I told him what happened and then it was his sons turn to talk and of course he told lies and in a cocky voice said "What did I say to you then?" I ended up making a comment saying that isn't what happened and my husband said it wasn't my turn to talk and I said to him that I feel like I am being treated as the child and that he should take my word for it instead of  calling us in like we are two children. My husband then said I was acting immature and how can I disipline his son when I am acting so childish. I shouldn't have talked after his son was done talking,, but this is totally ridiculous. Then he was going to have his son apologize and not do the punishment I gave him. Then my husband and I ended up having a disagreement. My husband told me to take care of what was going on and then I get called in the room with his son like a child. I am the step mom and his wife and he shouldn't treat me like a child like this?How would you feel if your husband did this to you? Wouldn't you feel like a child and l ike you were lying. When his son mouthed off to him, he made a smart remark back and kept giving him another punishment but with me forget it..... Signed : Unfair treatment   P.S. Can someone give me advice please Thanks so much.
 
May 8, 2006, 6:29 pm CDT

writerbug

Quote From: writerbug2

Hello, my step son is very disrespectful to me. I went to disipline him yesterday and everytime I said something he said something smart right back to me. He is 11 years old and this has been going on for a long time. I don't want to have my marriage be effected by this but it has.  When my step son was giving me a hard time and I was disiplining him, my husband called us both in the room to have us give us our sides of the story. I told him what happened and then it was his sons turn to talk and of course he told lies and in a cocky voice said "What did I say to you then?" I ended up making a comment saying that isn't what happened and my husband said it wasn't my turn to talk and I said to him that I feel like I am being treated as the child and that he should take my word for it instead of  calling us in like we are two children. My husband then said I was acting immature and how can I disipline his son when I am acting so childish. I shouldn't have talked after his son was done talking,, but this is totally ridiculous. Then he was going to have his son apologize and not do the punishment I gave him. Then my husband and I ended up having a disagreement. My husband told me to take care of what was going on and then I get called in the room with his son like a child. I am the step mom and his wife and he shouldn't treat me like a child like this?How would you feel if your husband did this to you? Wouldn't you feel like a child and l ike you were lying. When his son mouthed off to him, he made a smart remark back and kept giving him another punishment but with me forget it..... Signed : Unfair treatment   P.S. Can someone give me advice please Thanks so much.

Dr. Phil has done a couple of shows on this.  

   

His take is basicaly it is not your job to punish him. It is up to the parents. His father married you he didn't.   

   

Take yourself out of the middle and have his father lay down the law and tell him from now on he is the one that will do the punishing and he is to tell his son not to disrespect you anymore.   

   

Then I would have a long talk about his own disrespect tword you.   

 
May 9, 2006, 10:34 am CDT

Disprespect

Quote From: idunowhy

Dr. Phil has done a couple of shows on this.  

   

His take is basicaly it is not your job to punish him. It is up to the parents. His father married you he didn't.   

   

Take yourself out of the middle and have his father lay down the law and tell him from now on he is the one that will do the punishing and he is to tell his son not to disrespect you anymore.   

   

Then I would have a long talk about his own disrespect tword you.   

Are you saying that I should talk to my husband about his disrespect with me?
 
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