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Topic : We Disagree On Punishment

Number of Replies: 185
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:51:36 pm
Author : dataimport
"My husband is a spanker, but I don't believe in hitting my child." "My son knows he can run to my wife when I've told him no." Does this sound familiar? Tell us your story.

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November 18, 2005, 12:04 pm CST

discipline

i think discipline is ok on some extent. parents have the right to discipline their children if they deserve it but there is a limit on some situations. if its going to put the child at risk to where it hurts them or makes them get to the point to where they do something stupid dont dicipline them in that way or try other methods.
 
December 4, 2005, 6:48 pm CST

I Can't Get Him to Listen!!

Okay, I'm not talking about my son not listening...I'm talking about my husband!!!!  My husband and I already have marital problems, and on top of that, we completely disagree on parenting and discipline of our 3 year old and 2 year old sons.  My husband came from a broken home, and an abusive father....and I came from a home where my parents have been married for well over 25 years, which leads to our hugh clashing of opinions.   I stay at home during the day with my sons, and all day long, they are very good.  I have worked with my 3 year old on manners and being respectful, by treating him the way I want him to act.  He always says "please" and "thank you" and "excuse me" and all that.  I feel that he acts that way towards me because that's how I act towards him.  My husband though, is in a whole other field.  He expects our 3 year old to realize that he is the father and that he should listen to him.  He constantly is yelling at him about doing something wrong.  He expects our son to listen and to not talk back, even though my husband doesn't treat him with that respect.  What really gets me angry is that fact that my husband swears at our son...alot.  I get so mad and frustrated with my husband, but he is so set in his ways and nothing I say will change him.  Am I correct in telling him that treating our 3 year old son respectfully will get him that same thing in return??  Our 2 year old isn't old enough to understand yet, but I plan on teaching him everything that I've taught our 3 year old too.  My husband constantly wants me to back him up on the discipline, but I won't because he needs to be respectful to our sons to get that same thing back!  Plus, he expects that being nice for 30 minutes is going to make our son just be so polite towards him...WRONG!!  I try to tell him that it takes time, not just a few minutes to gain that, but honestly, I can't get through to him...I don't know what will.  I even told him that our son will remember this for the rest of his life, and I asked him if he wants our son to remember him being such a jerk all the time...not even that got through to him!!  I have so much stress going on in my home right now...PLEASE HELP!!!
 
December 8, 2005, 8:54 am CST

I know what you mean!

Quote From: melissax

Okay, I'm not talking about my son not listening...I'm talking about my husband!!!!  My husband and I already have marital problems, and on top of that, we completely disagree on parenting and discipline of our 3 year old and 2 year old sons.  My husband came from a broken home, and an abusive father....and I came from a home where my parents have been married for well over 25 years, which leads to our hugh clashing of opinions.   I stay at home during the day with my sons, and all day long, they are very good.  I have worked with my 3 year old on manners and being respectful, by treating him the way I want him to act.  He always says "please" and "thank you" and "excuse me" and all that.  I feel that he acts that way towards me because that's how I act towards him.  My husband though, is in a whole other field.  He expects our 3 year old to realize that he is the father and that he should listen to him.  He constantly is yelling at him about doing something wrong.  He expects our son to listen and to not talk back, even though my husband doesn't treat him with that respect.  What really gets me angry is that fact that my husband swears at our son...alot.  I get so mad and frustrated with my husband, but he is so set in his ways and nothing I say will change him.  Am I correct in telling him that treating our 3 year old son respectfully will get him that same thing in return??  Our 2 year old isn't old enough to understand yet, but I plan on teaching him everything that I've taught our 3 year old too.  My husband constantly wants me to back him up on the discipline, but I won't because he needs to be respectful to our sons to get that same thing back!  Plus, he expects that being nice for 30 minutes is going to make our son just be so polite towards him...WRONG!!  I try to tell him that it takes time, not just a few minutes to gain that, but honestly, I can't get through to him...I don't know what will.  I even told him that our son will remember this for the rest of his life, and I asked him if he wants our son to remember him being such a jerk all the time...not even that got through to him!!  I have so much stress going on in my home right now...PLEASE HELP!!!

I have a similiar problem with my fiancee' and our 3 children.  Except I'm the one who came from a broken home, his parents are still together.  Yet I'm the one who says the children need to be spoken to with respect, and they need to be able to exspress their opinions and thoughts without being told they are talking back and being punished.  Exspressing themselves is one thing, talking back is another.  He thinks everything is fixed by spanking them and I rather talk to them and use a more age appropriate punishment.  He works 2 jobs and goes to school 3 nights a week so when he is home he thinks he can take over and totally wipe out my way of doing things.  The most important thing you can do for your children and yourselves is back eachother up, or the children will see that you are against eachother and use it to their advantage.  But the disipline and the consequance has to stay the same all the time.  If you both can't agree on the same disipline, you have to sit down and talk about this ASAP!!  Maybe yo both should attend some parenting classes so that he can learn ways to get his point across to the children without yelling, cursing, and belittleing them.  I have to go, my 16 mo. needs a change and some lunch.  I hope that little bit helped, and knowing you are not alone always helps huh? ; D  Please let me know how you progress, I have more to say but the Queen is calling!! 

  

 
December 9, 2005, 10:58 am CST

Spanking causes trouble with authority later on

Quote From: melissax

Okay, I'm not talking about my son not listening...I'm talking about my husband!!!!  My husband and I already have marital problems, and on top of that, we completely disagree on parenting and discipline of our 3 year old and 2 year old sons.  My husband came from a broken home, and an abusive father....and I came from a home where my parents have been married for well over 25 years, which leads to our hugh clashing of opinions.   I stay at home during the day with my sons, and all day long, they are very good.  I have worked with my 3 year old on manners and being respectful, by treating him the way I want him to act.  He always says "please" and "thank you" and "excuse me" and all that.  I feel that he acts that way towards me because that's how I act towards him.  My husband though, is in a whole other field.  He expects our 3 year old to realize that he is the father and that he should listen to him.  He constantly is yelling at him about doing something wrong.  He expects our son to listen and to not talk back, even though my husband doesn't treat him with that respect.  What really gets me angry is that fact that my husband swears at our son...alot.  I get so mad and frustrated with my husband, but he is so set in his ways and nothing I say will change him.  Am I correct in telling him that treating our 3 year old son respectfully will get him that same thing in return??  Our 2 year old isn't old enough to understand yet, but I plan on teaching him everything that I've taught our 3 year old too.  My husband constantly wants me to back him up on the discipline, but I won't because he needs to be respectful to our sons to get that same thing back!  Plus, he expects that being nice for 30 minutes is going to make our son just be so polite towards him...WRONG!!  I try to tell him that it takes time, not just a few minutes to gain that, but honestly, I can't get through to him...I don't know what will.  I even told him that our son will remember this for the rest of his life, and I asked him if he wants our son to remember him being such a jerk all the time...not even that got through to him!!  I have so much stress going on in my home right now...PLEASE HELP!!!

My dad beat the HELL out of me growing up, to the point where I was on the floor and he was on top of me.  Now at 35, I don't believe in authority unless I get paid to comply.  I don't believe in the Fourth Commandment at all and side with children who kill their parents (because I ALMOST did).  Spanking doesn't teach respect at all.  It teaches fear, which leads to resentment. 

  

Western Europeans are forbidden to use corporal punishment BY LAW and have lower incidents of juvenile deliquency than the U.S.  This prove spanking doesn't work. 

 
December 9, 2005, 11:02 am CST

Spanking isn't discipline

Quote From: nicksgirl

i think discipline is ok on some extent. parents have the right to discipline their children if they deserve it but there is a limit on some situations. if its going to put the child at risk to where it hurts them or makes them get to the point to where they do something stupid dont dicipline them in that way or try other methods.
Spanking isn't discipline.  It's abuse and it's reserved for people of lower intellect who don't know how to parent and probably never should have been parents in the first place.  Take a child's favorite toy away instead.  Throw trinkits in the trash and gradually move up to more important objects.  This works.  I've done it.  Spanking doesn't work at all.  It only creates fear in the short term and hate in the long term.
 
December 9, 2005, 11:05 am CST

We Disagree On Punishment

Quote From: causey0416

YOU REALLY NEED TO STOP THIS FROM GOING ON ANY FURTHER.I'M A MOTHER OF THREE CHILDREN.MY KIDS HAVE A STEP FATHER AND I'M A STEPCHILD MYSELF. I WOULD NOT ALLOW MY HUSBAND TO DO THAT TO ANY OF MY CHILDREN.IF MY MOTHER ALLOWED THAT I WOULD HAVE HATED HER FOR IT.YOU NEED TO EXPLAIN TO YOUR HUSBAND THAT MAYBE YOUR CHILD MIGHT HAVE A LEARNING PROBLEM OR SOMETHING ELSE GOING ON.MY SON IS 11 YRS. OLD AND HAVING PROBLEMS IN MATH.HE IS IN AFTER SCHOOL TUTORING.IT HELPS A LITTLE NOT A LOT.THAT'S WHERE MY HUSBAND AND MYSELF COME IN AND HELP HIM.WE TRY AND WORK OUT THE PROBLEMS TOGETHER.MAYBE SHE NEEDS GLASSES OR YOU COULD TALK TO HER TEACHER ABOUT SOMETHING THAT MIGHT HELP HER.PLEASE DO NOT LET YOU HUSBAND KEEP SPANKING HER.TAKE IT FROM ME MY STEPFATHER DID DO THAT AND I HATED HIM FOR IT. 
That's extreme!  Grounding for an entire year because the TEACHER was an idiot?  This is why I encourage kids to do what all the greats of history did.  Ben Franklin did it.  Bill Gates did it.  You do it.  Drop out of school and make your own way.
 
December 9, 2005, 11:31 am CST

The guy is an idiot

Quote From: causey0416

YOU REALLY NEED TO STOP THIS FROM GOING ON ANY FURTHER.I'M A MOTHER OF THREE CHILDREN.MY KIDS HAVE A STEP FATHER AND I'M A STEPCHILD MYSELF. I WOULD NOT ALLOW MY HUSBAND TO DO THAT TO ANY OF MY CHILDREN.IF MY MOTHER ALLOWED THAT I WOULD HAVE HATED HER FOR IT.YOU NEED TO EXPLAIN TO YOUR HUSBAND THAT MAYBE YOUR CHILD MIGHT HAVE A LEARNING PROBLEM OR SOMETHING ELSE GOING ON.MY SON IS 11 YRS. OLD AND HAVING PROBLEMS IN MATH.HE IS IN AFTER SCHOOL TUTORING.IT HELPS A LITTLE NOT A LOT.THAT'S WHERE MY HUSBAND AND MYSELF COME IN AND HELP HIM.WE TRY AND WORK OUT THE PROBLEMS TOGETHER.MAYBE SHE NEEDS GLASSES OR YOU COULD TALK TO HER TEACHER ABOUT SOMETHING THAT MIGHT HELP HER.PLEASE DO NOT LET YOU HUSBAND KEEP SPANKING HER.TAKE IT FROM ME MY STEPFATHER DID DO THAT AND I HATED HIM FOR IT. 
Anyone who spanks their kids should not have them.  Spanking creates fear which turns into resentment later.  I was spanked and I  STILL have problems with listening to superiors-and I'm 35.  My father beat the HELL out of me. 
 
December 9, 2005, 11:33 am CST

We Disagree On Punishment

Quote From: nicksgirl

i think discipline is ok on some extent. parents have the right to discipline their children if they deserve it but there is a limit on some situations. if its going to put the child at risk to where it hurts them or makes them get to the point to where they do something stupid dont dicipline them in that way or try other methods.
Spanking isn't discipline.  It's abuse.
 
December 9, 2005, 12:59 pm CST

We Disagree On Punishment

Quote From: jim1970

My dad beat the HELL out of me growing up, to the point where I was on the floor and he was on top of me.  Now at 35, I don't believe in authority unless I get paid to comply.  I don't believe in the Fourth Commandment at all and side with children who kill their parents (because I ALMOST did).  Spanking doesn't teach respect at all.  It teaches fear, which leads to resentment. 

  

Western Europeans are forbidden to use corporal punishment BY LAW and have lower incidents of juvenile deliquency than the U.S.  This prove spanking doesn't work. 

You were abused, not disciplined which ALL types of discipline can become abuse. I too was spanked but I have a lot of respect for others, including the authorities (even though there are some warped leaders out there and for those, I have no respect), Those who are abused are usually the ones who rebell such as people like you, and I am sorry for what you have gone through. Many people over use the time out chair as well as they yell and demean a child, which of course is abuse. parents must love and respect their children which includes communication with them and explaining to them why an action is wrong, discipline is about teaching and guiding our children into becoming the great adults that they are meant to be. I personally use reward systems as well as time out on the bed which works worderfully with my children but I have given them a swat on the bottom with out regret. Yep, it got their attention and they no longer d0 the thing that they did and yes they are still young but are the most loving little ones you could imagine having. My soon to be 5 year old is reading on a second grade level, doing basic math, loves science and plays in the bell choir at church along with several other activities, she loves people and has lots of friends, shows absolutely no sign of regression, certainly no behavior disorders/problems or such in her or her little sister who is progressing just fine. Like, I said, abuse comes in all forms, not just through spankings, Kids who grow up rebelling are usually those with over bearing/ mean parents who do not love, respect and communicate with their children, those who do not listen and do not put their children's interest/well being above them selves, which I have a feeling is where you are coming from. I personally am not a parent like you had nor did I come from one like yours when it comes to discipline. Believe me, by the time I was teen ager, I knew the rules and boundaries and when others were out smoking, drinking, having sex, I was at home doing home work, going to church, singing in the choir and having good clean fun, I am also one who waited til marriage to have children and am happily married and still in love after saying "I do" almost 13 years ago. I learned right from wrong through love and respect, not neccessarily through the way I was disciplinesd, which is far different then being abused....Now, I will say, that I was abused in another way but it wasn't through any type of discipline method, it was a power control by a member of the family and I did rebel some against that person in which I treated like crap,meaning I had nothing nice to say about him and I made sure my friends had nothing to do with him as well. but every one else had high repect from me, as I was treated like a human being with respect. Again, I am sorry that you were abused and are still reaping the consequences of it. Maybe you need to get some professional help so you can get started on enjoying life to it's fullest. Kids who end up in juvenile deliquency are those who have no love and respect from their families and are rebelling for what ever reason, again, discipline techniques really doesn't have anything to do with it unless of course it ends up in abuse....There is a 15 year old girl down the road from me, serving a year in detention and it has nothing to do with a spanking, the child has never been touched, she is rebelling over her parents divorce and wanting to do things her way, and wanting to sleep around and break curfew, she doesn't want to follow rules and says she is old enough to take care of her self so, she is now in juvenile detention, and I know for a fact that her parents are in their own little world and they do not communicate and tell the girl they love her, that is abuse and the child is paying for the abuse right now. If parents would be on the samew page with their kids and love and communicate with them, encourage and be there for them, then there wouldn't be such a thing as abuse and "discipline" would work if it were enforced.
 
December 9, 2005, 1:50 pm CST

We Disagree On Punishment

Quote From: jim1970

My dad beat the HELL out of me growing up, to the point where I was on the floor and he was on top of me.  Now at 35, I don't believe in authority unless I get paid to comply.  I don't believe in the Fourth Commandment at all and side with children who kill their parents (because I ALMOST did).  Spanking doesn't teach respect at all.  It teaches fear, which leads to resentment. 

  

Western Europeans are forbidden to use corporal punishment BY LAW and have lower incidents of juvenile deliquency than the U.S.  This prove spanking doesn't work. 

Actually this proves nothing.  There are many factors that create the differences in Juvenile deliquency.  This statement is simply stupid.   

  

Spanking and Beating are two different things.  Spanking is not really a punishment it is an attention getter.  Most kids don't need this strong of an attention getter and most parent who do spank don't follow through with disipline so spanking is not the problem it is a lack of disipline.   

  

It is silly to see spanking as the cause for all these problems.  It is easy to look for one cause but there are useally many factors to these kinds of things. 

 
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