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Topic : We Disagree On Punishment

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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:51:36 pm
Author : dataimport
"My husband is a spanker, but I don't believe in hitting my child." "My son knows he can run to my wife when I've told him no." Does this sound familiar? Tell us your story.

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jettav
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January 24, 2006, 11:12 am PST

We Disagree On Punishment

Quote From: bachor

my husband has a daughter from a previous marriage and i have a son from a previous marriage.    whenever she disrepects e or talks to me mean and nast, he never says anything to her.  when my son disrepsects me or him and i go to correct him, my husband says i have a anger problem and need to go get it checked out.  the type of disrespect i am talking about, is my son calls me fat ass,  he calls me other names and point blank makes mean nasty jokes.  my son is only 8 and his daughter is 10..  he says i should not squlch there since of humor.  i told him calling your parents name and making mean nasty jokes on them to there face is not a sense of humor.  i was never allowed to talk to my parents nor would i want to the way his daughter and my son do.  it is getting so bad that i have considered divorcing him.  he should repect me and ask the children to stop.  what do any of you have any suggestions?
Definetly need to do something here. Not so sure divorce is the answer, the name calling and such is going to continue. I think it is about time that you (wheter husband helps or not) step up to the plate and do some disciplining. Everytime you are called a name, take a favorite toy away and they do not get it back til they can start respecting you. Also, when they ask for something, remind them that they are rude and disrespectful to you, therefore you owe them absolutely nothing. Make sure their needs are met and that they know that you love them but other then that, give them nothing. SHow some tough love, if you don't start now, it will get worse and there will be no stopping it. I realize that the daughter is your step daughter and there isn't a whole lot you can do really but you do not have to give in to her, don't be physical in any was, shape or form, as long as she is being rude to you, don't feel obligated to give her anything she asks for. This is the problem with a lot of kids now days, they have paretns like this father and it certainly is sad, they will end up not not getting along woth others as they grow older. Maybe it will take you leaving to wake this father up, not neccessarily divorcing, not at first any way. Actions speak louder then words and remember, we teach people how to treat us, don't let him manipulate you, maybe by getting tough and possibly leaving, he will see the truth for what it is but until then things are not going to change.
 
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dks4003
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February 9, 2006, 12:31 pm PST

Help Please...with teenager discipline

I need help...please!  My husband (of 2 years) has a 17-year-old son who is getting all D's and F's in school, the main reason being that he decides just "not" to turn in his assignments.  He'd rather have fun.  In addition, he stays out after his curfew and continually has an excuse (each time).  He also lies a lot even about the small stuff.  My husband (a soft-hearted, compassionate man) tells him that he'll take away his privileges (his car and keys, staying at friends' houses, etc.) if he doesn't start turning in his work and get his grades back up (he was a B/C student).  But he doesn't follow through -- his son always talks him into letting him have his privileges back, even though he hasn't done anything about his grades.  I am much more strict and believe he shouldn't have any privileges back until he does get his grades up.  I dont think he is learning a thing, except how to manipulate his dad.  I am so frustrated because my 12-year-old daughter witnesses this, and I don't want her to think this behavior is appropriate.  I know I should stay out of it, but it's so hard to sit back and just watch.  I've told my husband how I feel, but he continues to say that he'll do what he thinks is appropriate, and that he knows his son much better than I do.  I'd be extremely grateful for any suggestions to help me cope with this.  Thanks much!
 
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jettav
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February 9, 2006, 5:09 pm PST

We Disagree On Punishment

Quote From: dks4003

I need help...please!  My husband (of 2 years) has a 17-year-old son who is getting all D's and F's in school, the main reason being that he decides just "not" to turn in his assignments.  He'd rather have fun.  In addition, he stays out after his curfew and continually has an excuse (each time).  He also lies a lot even about the small stuff.  My husband (a soft-hearted, compassionate man) tells him that he'll take away his privileges (his car and keys, staying at friends' houses, etc.) if he doesn't start turning in his work and get his grades back up (he was a B/C student).  But he doesn't follow through -- his son always talks him into letting him have his privileges back, even though he hasn't done anything about his grades.  I am much more strict and believe he shouldn't have any privileges back until he does get his grades up.  I dont think he is learning a thing, except how to manipulate his dad.  I am so frustrated because my 12-year-old daughter witnesses this, and I don't want her to think this behavior is appropriate.  I know I should stay out of it, but it's so hard to sit back and just watch.  I've told my husband how I feel, but he continues to say that he'll do what he thinks is appropriate, and that he knows his son much better than I do.  I'd be extremely grateful for any suggestions to help me cope with this.  Thanks much!
Well, honestly I don't think there is anything you can do about your step son, he disrespects his father and if hei father doesn't follow through then he certainly isn't going to listen to you, sounds like you are losing a fighting battle here and he is 17 and chances are he is juts going to have to learn for him self. He will be an adult before long and hopefully his father will start making some house rules and sticking witht hem otherwise it could get worse. It doesn't hurt to communicae with your husabnd but over all, it is responsibilty...........As far as your daughter goes, make the rules, set those boundaries and stick with them, do not back down and follow through with your actions.
 
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fe4444
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February 11, 2006, 5:18 am PST

We Disagree On Punishment

Quote From: jettav

Well, honestly I don't think there is anything you can do about your step son, he disrespects his father and if hei father doesn't follow through then he certainly isn't going to listen to you, sounds like you are losing a fighting battle here and he is 17 and chances are he is juts going to have to learn for him self. He will be an adult before long and hopefully his father will start making some house rules and sticking witht hem otherwise it could get worse. It doesn't hurt to communicae with your husabnd but over all, it is responsibilty...........As far as your daughter goes, make the rules, set those boundaries and stick with them, do not back down and follow through with your actions.
i think you should take away his car keys and put them in a cabinet where you keep the cleaning materials.  Then, tell him to clean something, if he listens, he will notice that his keys are in the cabinet, and that will give him his privlige back.  He will realize that you have to behave to get privliges.   My sister did that with her 16 year old son and it worked.  He used to be a lazy, frequent detension visitor, but now after things like that, he is almost 20 and has a good job.
 
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powers009
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February 11, 2006, 1:06 pm PST

We Disagree On Punishment

Quote From: dks4003

I need help...please!  My husband (of 2 years) has a 17-year-old son who is getting all D's and F's in school, the main reason being that he decides just "not" to turn in his assignments.  He'd rather have fun.  In addition, he stays out after his curfew and continually has an excuse (each time).  He also lies a lot even about the small stuff.  My husband (a soft-hearted, compassionate man) tells him that he'll take away his privileges (his car and keys, staying at friends' houses, etc.) if he doesn't start turning in his work and get his grades back up (he was a B/C student).  But he doesn't follow through -- his son always talks him into letting him have his privileges back, even though he hasn't done anything about his grades.  I am much more strict and believe he shouldn't have any privileges back until he does get his grades up.  I dont think he is learning a thing, except how to manipulate his dad.  I am so frustrated because my 12-year-old daughter witnesses this, and I don't want her to think this behavior is appropriate.  I know I should stay out of it, but it's so hard to sit back and just watch.  I've told my husband how I feel, but he continues to say that he'll do what he thinks is appropriate, and that he knows his son much better than I do.  I'd be extremely grateful for any suggestions to help me cope with this.  Thanks much!
You know my husbands Grandfather had a unique way of insuring that he didn't come in late. If his curfew was 11:00pm then at 11:01pm the door was locked and he didn't get in that night. Sounds harsh but it worked. Once he asked his Grandfather for a key to the house he told him he could have a key to the house when he bought himself a house. Sometimes you have to be strict and it pays to be bold as well. Don't let yourself be run over by those who are living under the roof you are paying for. He is getting to the age where he can move out and start taking care of himself but until that time he should respect you and if he is going to live under your roof he needs to know that he has the responsibility to do what he is told. If he doesn't learn this now he will never make it out in the world. We as parents are responsible for making sure that our children are equipped to succeed in this world, after all we aren't going to be here forever. My husband lost his mother when he was 15 and his father wasn't around at that time either.
 
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tjscjs87
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February 13, 2006, 4:02 am PST

Stressed from disagreeing on punishment

I have 2 kids from a previous.  I am now remarried and a 3 month old from this new marriage.  My first 2 kids show no respect for their step-dad.  He is constantly finding things that are always wrong with what they do.  They feel as he is always picking on them.  I feel as he is picking on them constantly for nick pick things.  But as far as the respect I do feel that they need to be punished for that.  My husband and I do not agree upon the punishment,  left up to him they would be back handed.  I don't believe in that.  But everything that I have tried to do to make them learn how to be respectful doesn't work.  They are 9 and 12.  When they are with their father he lets them do whatever and doesn't have no set boundaries for them.  At my house we have rules and chores and boundaries which they totally blow things off when they are told to do something.  Granted things aren't always perfect and some days go well.  But anymore my husband all that we do the whole time that they are here is argue  about they way they behave and being so disrespectful..  What do I do before this destroys my life.  I don't know how much more of the stress that I can take from this.  
 
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powers009
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February 13, 2006, 5:07 am PST

We Disagree On Punishment

Quote From: tjscjs87

I have 2 kids from a previous.  I am now remarried and a 3 month old from this new marriage.  My first 2 kids show no respect for their step-dad.  He is constantly finding things that are always wrong with what they do.  They feel as he is always picking on them.  I feel as he is picking on them constantly for nick pick things.  But as far as the respect I do feel that they need to be punished for that.  My husband and I do not agree upon the punishment,  left up to him they would be back handed.  I don't believe in that.  But everything that I have tried to do to make them learn how to be respectful doesn't work.  They are 9 and 12.  When they are with their father he lets them do whatever and doesn't have no set boundaries for them.  At my house we have rules and chores and boundaries which they totally blow things off when they are told to do something.  Granted things aren't always perfect and some days go well.  But anymore my husband all that we do the whole time that they are here is argue  about they way they behave and being so disrespectful..  What do I do before this destroys my life.  I don't know how much more of the stress that I can take from this.  

First of all your current husband needs to back off and let you punish your children. I don't think it is the responsibility of the stepparent to punish. That being said I do think that the two of you make a united front. These children have already been through a lot and it sounds to me like they may be a little jealous. Maybe you could spend one day a month on just them. Take them to the park or some kind of theme park that may be close by. It won't hurt your husband to spend the day with the baby. This would give you a good chance to talk to your children and find out what is going on with them. Be interested in what happened in school or what their friends are doing. Right now they are at an age where they might enlighten you about themselves. If they don't talk don't pressure it will happen. Just be open to conversation with them children love it when their parents listen to them. As far as punishment the best suggestion I have heard so far is Dr. Phil's take their fun stuff away. Don't let them have stuff back make them earn it back. Make them earn their leisure stuff. I will bet that they will be less apt to be disrespectful if they think they are going to lose their play station etc..  I wish you well and hope that you can get things under control.
 
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February 13, 2006, 9:03 am PST

We Disagree On Punishment

Quote From: powers009

You know my husbands Grandfather had a unique way of insuring that he didn't come in late. If his curfew was 11:00pm then at 11:01pm the door was locked and he didn't get in that night. Sounds harsh but it worked. Once he asked his Grandfather for a key to the house he told him he could have a key to the house when he bought himself a house. Sometimes you have to be strict and it pays to be bold as well. Don't let yourself be run over by those who are living under the roof you are paying for. He is getting to the age where he can move out and start taking care of himself but until that time he should respect you and if he is going to live under your roof he needs to know that he has the responsibility to do what he is told. If he doesn't learn this now he will never make it out in the world. We as parents are responsible for making sure that our children are equipped to succeed in this world, after all we aren't going to be here forever. My husband lost his mother when he was 15 and his father wasn't around at that time either.

Hes 17 and probably knows all there is to know. KEEP OUT OF IT!!! You already relayed your feelings to your husband and I suspect he is just out of answers. This kid will be 18 soon and should be shown the front door at that time. Pack him up, let him know hes welcome for Sunday dinner, change the locks. You can't be responsible for his behavior and his dad can't make him be respectful so you need to focus your attention on the little one and be sure she understands that every action in this world has consiquinces.  
 
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lindanj
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February 13, 2006, 2:51 pm PST

stressed mom here Pease HELP !

Dear Dr. Phil, 

        I am married at the age of 16 yrs old (1988), to the father of all 3 of my children. We seperated in 1992 when my baby was 2 years old. Our divorce finally became final in 1994. I got remarried in 1989, to a man I thought was a good man, and for a long time he was. He like everyone else had his faults and so did I, and I still do. He and I seperated in 2000. I have been in another relationship with a different man scence 2004. I was living in TN when I met this man and he was in Iraq, When he came home in Sept. 2004, we met and been together ever sence, I even moved to his home state in PA. Almost 900 miles away from any of my family and the childrens family. At first the children seemed fine with this but sence then my son who is now 18 and still living with me because he is still in school has gotten in trouble with the law, he is not doing well in school at all, he has a girl friend that he can't seem to pull his self away from long enough to do anything else, my 17 year old daughter has moved back to TN and is now living with her Dad and step-mom, and seems to be lying about things to her father and others around her,she is doing well in school though, my 16 year old daughter is driving me crazy, she goes up and down in her school work, she lies, she has an aditude out of this world, she seems to have no respect for anyone,it has been told that she is going to run away, she has been caught with a dull knife when she got caught she told this person she wanted to die, this was after a boy she likes wouldn't pay attention to her. I have sence then gotten her help, not worked yet though. My boyfriend and I fight all the time on how I should disipline my children, he has no children of his own. The children and he argue like 2 and 3 year olds about every thing. And then he wants to make sure that I know what they have done wrong even if I already know it. And he doesn't stop! I have noticed when he is not around my children listen and do what I ask them but when he is around he demands them to do stuff, I dont depand unless I have to ask  more than once. My boyfriend thinks my children tell me what to do, and that I do what ever they say but I pick and chose my battles with my children I always have. My children don't respect him but thats because he doesn't respect them, I believe he is jealous of my relationship with my children and is trying to come between us. It has gotten to the point that I don't want to be with him anymore, and its not just cause of the differences with him and the children, its alot more than that for me.  I miss my family in TN and I know my children do as well, especially my 16 year old daughter, my son says he wants to stay here in PA, cause of his girl friend and to finish school. But as a mother I don't feel like I can leave him in a state with no family members at all around him.  What am I to do? I feel like I am going crazy! Is there any help for my situation? 
 
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hatman5
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February 14, 2006, 4:18 am PST

We Disagree On Punishment

Quote From: funkey

To spank or not to spank? This appears to be an inherited "trait." Unless someone who was spanked, stopped the cycle, and didn't spank their own kids, it continues throughout generations without question. Some will even defend it with adamant defiance that it is the only affective discipline tool with children to "keep" them in line. What never ceases to amaze me is how selective memory has afforded many the ability to actually re-invent what spanking felt like as a child and interpret it to mean so much more than the demeaning act that it was. I hear, " I was spanked and I turned out fine." "Yes, I spank my kids because I love them enough to do it." (wow think I'd rather be loved less, how about you?) "I don't beat my kids, I spank them and there is a difference." (Hum? Hitting less harder makes hitting ok?) "If my parents didn't spank me I don't know how I would have turned out." (No, you don't. You may just have had a much more open relationship with your parents) "My kids aren't out of control because they know I'll whip them if they are." (Yes they are living in fear and taking notes now on what not to tell you in the future)

Ironically some of us don't look back at those spankings so fondly. Some of us remember the real fear and the real pain involved, and remember the message of what the spanking was for, was lost through that fear. Some of us don't agree with the reasons for continuing to demean children in this way.  Teaching a child through pain will not make them remember why. Rarely will they remember what the spanking was for, rather they'll remember the look on the parents face, the tone in their voice and the feeling of helplessness with someone 3 times their size using pain as a discipline tool.  Discipline means to "teach."  Not punish. That to me is far greater of a difference than a spanking verses a beating.

Kids became very smart and realized that any admissions of guilt would result in a spanking. Deny, deny, and keep denying, was the rule.  So you see selective memory and creative writing may be able to rearrange what we thought were the benefits but only to be later revealed as scars.

Children are not subhuman, they are innocent, and they feel and absorb everything they see and hear. They depend upon us to protect them. They will make mistakes and they will fail. But they will only succeed if they are free to try new things. This is not to be confused with allowing them to misbehave intentionally. But we don't discipline for a first offense. We use it as a grounds to teach and lay down healthy boundaries. Can any of us just imagine what it would be like to work for a bass who yelled at us, or hit us, when we made mistakes on the first day of a new job? Children are on that new job. Everyday is a new opportunity for learning. Instead of punishing them for making mistakes we need to seize the time to teach them what we expect of them. All children feel much safer in environments where they know what is expected of them. To hit first and ask questions later is being punished for your mistakes. I don't have to yell at my kids. I save a raised voice for when the moment is vital and because they are not immune to hearing me scream they stop and listen. IE:When they are about to walk into the street.

I hear religious dialogue exchanged to reinforce one side or the other. "Spare the rod spoil the child."  Not unlike our own constitution we have interpreted the Bible to mean whatever fits our life in so many areas.

I also hear so many say they never hit out of anger and they use spanking only as a last resort. There's that selective memory again.  If you have to make excuses, then is it really the right thing to do? NO!

Yes, many children will grow up and spank their kids too. Children do learn what they live. They will use the same selective memory to minimize the true devastation and fear they endured to enable them to continue this with their own kids. Some of us remember how it really felt and found other methods that were just as affective and not near as painful for us or our children.
This is the most intelligent thing I've read on these messageboards. Amen
 
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