Topic : We Disagree On Punishment

My daughter has girlfriends that come and spend the night, however, when things get pretty chaotic while they are having fun, they seem to lose repect for my house and damage it. For instance, I heard alot of laughing and loud noises and I came up to see what was happening.  They said "sorry" and told me to look around the room.  What I saw was a hole in the bathroom door, as big as a softball"  I was shocked.  My main question is, how long and what should be the punishment for this? I do know who really did this but since it happened in my house and I was not witness to this I can not make the parents pay for this. Can anyone tell me what kind of grounding I should do. Because my daughter needs to realize and maybe she will tell her friends to be more respectful of her house since she's getting the punishment. 

Thank you   

Dear Dr. Phil, 

        I am married at the age of 16 yrs old (1988), to the father of all 3 of my children. We seperated in 1992 when my baby was 2 years old. Our divorce finally became final in 1994. I got remarried in 1989, to a man I thought was a good man, and for a long time he was. He like everyone else had his faults and so did I, and I still do. He and I seperated in 2000. I have been in another relationship with a different man scence 2004. I was living in TN when I met this man and he was in Iraq, When he came home in Sept. 2004, we met and been together ever sence, I even moved to his home state in PA. Almost 900 miles away from any of my family and the childrens family. At first the children seemed fine with this but sence then my son who is now 18 and still living with me because he is still in school has gotten in trouble with the law, he is not doing well in school at all, he has a girl friend that he can't seem to pull his self away from long enough to do anything else, my 17 year old daughter has moved back to TN and is now living with her Dad and step-mom, and seems to be lying about things to her father and others around her,she is doing well in school though, my 16 year old daughter is driving me crazy, she goes up and down in her school work, she lies, she has an aditude out of this world, she seems to have no respect for anyone,it has been told that she is going to run away, she has been caught with a dull knife when she got caught she told this person she wanted to die, this was after a boy she likes wouldn't pay attention to her. I have sence then gotten her help, not worked yet though. My boyfriend and I fight all the time on how I should disipline my children, he has no children of his own. The children and he argue like 2 and 3 year olds about every thing. And then he wants to make sure that I know what they have done wrong even if I already know it. And he doesn't stop! I have noticed when he is not around my children listen and do what I ask them but when he is around he demands them to do stuff, I dont depand unless I have to ask  more than once. My boyfriend thinks my children tell me what to do, and that I do what ever they say but I pick and chose my battles with my children I always have. My children don't respect him but thats because he doesn't respect them, I believe he is jealous of my relationship with my children and is trying to come between us. It has gotten to the point that I don't want to be with him anymore, and its not just cause of the differences with him and the children, its alot more than that for me.  I miss my family in TN and I know my children do as well, especially my 16 year old daughter, my son says he wants to stay here in PA, cause of his girl friend and to finish school. But as a mother I don't feel like I can leave him in a state with no family members at all around him.  What am I to do? I feel like I am going crazy! Is there any help for my situation? 

My question is how do I get my husband to listen and understand my views on this. I love him and don't want to leave but he is always right on disiplining our daughter. He has been a teacher for many years. so he says he has seen what happens to kids depending on the way they was raised, but I just think he goes over board. I mean for lying and getting bad grades the disapline is selling all of her show animals, grounded, and she has to do school work after school until bed time and if she does not do in an hour what he thinks she was suppose to she gets a spanking. 

Last night she got 3 spankings for not getting done what he thought she should have done. 

She told him she was going to be a vet. when she grew up. He said yah right with these kind of grades you are going to be a dump truck driver. I don't think he does her any good telling her things like that. I told her she can be one she just has to try hard to get good grades. 

But he calls her special ed, stupid, retard. things like that I do not feel this is good for her. 

I am not saying she is always doing what is right or good. I just think this is hurting her more than helping her. I have talked to him about this over and over again but it doesn't help. I am 3 months pregnant and do not want to leave. just want him to stop this. How do I make him understand? 

She has already told me this week she wants to move out. 

Help please. 

I'm really sorry to be the one to say this and I really mean that but someone has to put it right out there for you.  Your husband as much as you love him is HURTING your child. That IS Abuse!! and you are letting it happen... I am NOT tyring to attack you or anything like that at all. I feel for you badly: the confusion of dealing with it all. You love your children more than ANYBODY else. They come first. I dont understand how your husband feels that his punishment is even justifiable. I mean a YEAR. thats way overboard. 3 spankings in one night (It doesn't matter what the reason) is just cause, definately,  for her to end up hating him as well she may feel resentment towards you for allowing this to happen. He sold her animals, those are living breathing things that she herself helped raise and now they're gone. As Punishment??? He's taking away any sort of independence or freedom of thought and feeling away from her, along with making her feel useless and no good.  Worst case scenario: If you dont stop this from happening at some point someone else may and you may not have any control over it. You could lose her for this, I'm not sure you realize that. You would never ever forgive yourself.  Lying and bad grades come out of more kids than not at points nowadays and I will say that most kids arent dealt with properly as a result but this is too much. Please I know you have put yourself in her shoes before and I know you feel guilty sometimes too and even though you feel there's no talking to him and you're expecting so you dont want to leave maybe you should give him a big scare(if you haven't already)..Let him know that you will not tolerate this behaviour from him anymore It sounds to me like his behaviour as an adult with parental responsibilities is worse than your daughter's as a child. There are much better and more rewarding ways to deal with this problem.    

         REMEMBER THIS: ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN A MOMENTS TIME, WHEN YOU ARE LEAST EXPECTING IT, GOD FORBID ANYTHING SHOULD HAPPEN, BUT IF YOU GO ON LETTING THIS HAPPEN IT MAY BE TOO LATE TO MAKE THE RIGHT CHANGES FOR HER. 

 She obviously cant express herslf in the house or at least around him so someone's gotta do it for her and you are that person. Please do something, if you cant talk to him about discipline issues regarding your own daughter than how much does he truly respect you? or your daughter? Is it really meant to be I know you want it to be, but is it really? You've got another ball of joy on the way you dont want the cycle to continue. I feel for you really and you are not to blame.  Hes the one with the control now you just have to try to regain some of it thats all. You need courage, strength and determination. Its time to put your foot down girl and you can if you stick to it. If he decides he doesnt want to stay as a result, you are going to hurt but at least your daughter wont have to anymore and she will be living a lot happier as a result. Like I said before I'm sorry to be the one to say it but I was floored when I read your story. Take care of yourself and your daughter. If you need to talk to someone with similar experiences look me up, I'm right here. Sounds like you need all the support you can get right now  

  Sincerely, 

                Tanya  

It is not my husband and I that are having the disagreement though, but the school system that we are forced to deal with.  They seem to think that Farting is something to punish and that when my 11 year old was thrown against the wall by a 17 yr old that was not to be punished.  That when a 13 yr old says they will slit some ones thoat that will not be punished but when my 8 yr old needs to have a bowel movement that needs to be punished.  I am losing my mind and my kids are so depressed.  I am trying to save enough to move out of here.  We will seperate.  For the kids sake.  Because of the school system.  I will need to get them into therapy as soon as we are close enough to a Dr.  We have been through so much as a family.  We have survived my illnesses.  All of our bills.  Living homless and in a camp groung in NY for 6 months but the school system is tearing us apart.  IT is just wrong??   

They will Not disaplin the kids that are doing things wrong.  The ones that want to cheat and hurt the other kids.  When you talk to the cschool about that they wont do anything.  When my son would turn other kids in they would do nothing.  When my oldest son was harrased on the way to Football in Front of the driver, about cheating this year the school did nothing.  My son cant poop fast enough and they are timing him sending people into the bathroom with him.   

We are not the only family going through this.  It seems to have happen for many generations here.  The other family it is happening to is also a goverment family that is dislocated with no family close by.  We are called outside trouble makers.  For trying to start a PTA.  Farting and Pooping why do they do these things to children? 

deminted and in angush laney 

It is not my husband and I that are having the disagreement though, but the school system that we are forced to deal with.  They seem to think that Farting is something to punish and that when my 11 year old was thrown against the wall by a 17 yr old that was not to be punished.  That when a 13 yr old says they will slit some ones thoat that will not be punished but when my 8 yr old needs to have a bowel movement that needs to be punished.  I am losing my mind and my kids are so depressed.  I am trying to save enough to move out of here.  We will seperate.  For the kids sake.  Because of the school system.  I will need to get them into therapy as soon as we are close enough to a Dr.  We have been through so much as a family.  We have survived my illnesses.  All of our bills.  Living homless and in a camp groung in NY for 6 months but the school system is tearing us apart.  IT is just wrong??   

They will Not disaplin the kids that are doing things wrong.  The ones that want to cheat and hurt the other kids.  When you talk to the cschool about that they wont do anything.  When my son would turn other kids in they would do nothing.  When my oldest son was harrased on the way to Football in Front of the driver, about cheating this year the school did nothing.  My son cant poop fast enough and they are timing him sending people into the bathroom with him.   

We are not the only family going through this.  It seems to have happen for many generations here.  The other family it is happening to is also a goverment family that is dislocated with no family close by.  We are called outside trouble makers.  For trying to start a PTA.  Farting and Pooping why do they do these things to children? 

deminted and in angush laney