Six months ago I married a wonderful man. We had dated for two years prior to marrying. He has a 13 year old daugher. I knew "Sally" would be a challange from the beginning, but thought the two of us together could handle it. We even talked about the matter at length before we married. In addition to some problems she has already, she is now starting to rebel, lie and disobey.
He has raised her alone since she was four. Her mother left them and moved out of the country and has not seen her since. I told "Sally" when we decided to get married, that I'm sure her mother loves her very much and just can't come to see her because she lives too far away. I also told her that I would never try to replace her mother, but I would be there for her. Still, I'm certain there is a degree of acting out because of jealousy over our marriage.
"Sally" has other issues as well. I'm not a doctor, but I think there is something else going on there. A school nurse told me she was mildly retarded. I'm not sure I believe that, but she isn't like other children her age. She's very inmature, in many ways she acts like she's 7-8 years of age. She has no social skills, she won't comb her hair, and barely bathes and washes herself. I've done the girly things with her and tried to show her how to wash her hair and fix it. She acts like she'sinterested and then does what she wants. She's very much a tom-boy and that's ok. I figure that's why there's a lack of interest in her appearance. It's sad because she has no friends at all. I feel bad for her because she is such an outcast, yet her behavior makes you understand why no one wants to have anything to do with her.
I've encourgaged and we have gotten her involved in a lot of church actvities with girls her age, who are being counceled by teens a little older than her. Thinking that would give her someone to model herself after. It's had no effect at all.
I recently talked my husband into getting her a puppy. That animal has become her best friend, but she is loving the poor thing to death. Yesterday, the poor dog was so exhausted she went upstairs to my son's room to sleep. My son was also asleep having been up all night studying. "Sally" sat outside my son's door and called the dog over and over. When my son finally asked her to stop, she tried to wake him up by banging against the walls with the vacuum cleaner. When that didn't work she turned the heater on 85 degrees. It was 85 outside. My husband doesn't know this. Do I tell him or let her get away with it?
My husband is too nice. He will not discipline her in any way. He only threatens. I have been telling him since I've known him that "Sally" needs to have consequences for her bad behavior. He only screams at her, then tells her he loves her, asks why she does these things to hurt him and lets it go.
I have taken Dr Phil's advice and not taken a discplinary role in her life. Although I have verbally corrected her on some matters. Littles things such as staring at people, going through other people's things (including my closet, and dresser drawers), bad table manners. I've very firmly told her those actions are rude. But I have in no way discplined her. I have gotten angry at her when she back talked, or screamed at her father.
My husband seems to ignore everything she does. On the other hand it's magnified to me. He has told her ten times since we got married not to have the TV in her room on at night. At least three nights a week she turns it on. Only one time has he taken it out of her room and that was because I forced the issue. Two days later it was back on and he did nothing. He warned her one more time and it comes out forever. Last night it was on again...he told me he was going to give her one more chance and it was coming out. I reminded him that's what he said last time and nothing was done.
Two weeks ago at school, she got angry at some kids who were picking on her, kicked and broke a glass door. Only because I once again told him he needed to do something....he grounded her for two days. I have suggested counceling for her anger. He says she doesn't need it.
I feel like when I see these things he's ignoring and then bring it to his attention, I'm becoming to evil step-mother. But I see this child going down a very bad path. I told him a couple of days ago that if he doesn't get control of her now, we are going to have really big problems later. That if she feels she can get away with lying, disobeying authoriity at home and so forth, she will think she can get away with it outside the home as well.
I'm at a loss. I can't discpline her, he WON'T discpiline her. I live in the home too, I pay half the bills, her behavior effects me, yet my hands are tied. It's driving a wedge between me and my husband. However, he has his head in the sand about that, too.
I want to handle this the right way. I love this man very much. I want to love his child and be there for his child, too, because I do love him. Please help.
