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Topic : We Disagree On Punishment

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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:51:36 pm
Author : dataimport
"My husband is a spanker, but I don't believe in hitting my child." "My son knows he can run to my wife when I've told him no." Does this sound familiar? Tell us your story.

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writerbug2
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May 9, 2006, 10:36 am PDT

disrespect

Quote From: writerbug2

Are you saying that I should talk to my husband about his disrespect with me?

Meaning with his sons disrespect or my husband disrespect with me   
 
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burgie70
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May 16, 2006, 8:17 am PDT

Punishment/discipline

I  would like some opinions.  My husbands coworker has a punishment for her children when they are disrespectful, sassy, and think they deserve everything.  She takes everything out of their bedrooms, and they have to earn it back.  And I mean everything, from pillows and blankets, to stuff on the walls.  I'm not sure exactly how I feel on this matter, but wonder if something like this would help my sons behaviour.  Any response is appreciated.   When I told my ex-husband about this punishment, he told me it was child abuse?
 
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jettav
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May 16, 2006, 8:30 am PDT

We Disagree On Punishment

Quote From: burgie70

I  would like some opinions.  My husbands coworker has a punishment for her children when they are disrespectful, sassy, and think they deserve everything.  She takes everything out of their bedrooms, and they have to earn it back.  And I mean everything, from pillows and blankets, to stuff on the walls.  I'm not sure exactly how I feel on this matter, but wonder if something like this would help my sons behaviour.  Any response is appreciated.   When I told my ex-husband about this punishment, he told me it was child abuse?
discipline is about teaching and guiding a child into learning how to make good/right choices. Taking things away is not abuse unless it is the need of the child such as food and exercise, schooling,and so forth pictures on the wall and toys are not a neccessity of life. I personally would not go as far as taking blankets, and a pillow away, unless it was a favorite one maybe and replace it with another til they earned it back. There is nothing wrong with taking something away, but I think taking something that they like very well would be the thing to do, not neccessarily everything. Whatever the case, I do think you and his father need to be on the same place page with discipline and other major issues otherwise, the child will learn to manipulate and use one paretn against the other and that is not good. you and your ex need to discuss this and figure out a solutiont hat both of you can agree with, then your some will know and understand the boundaries.
 
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beertje
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May 16, 2006, 10:20 am PDT

We Disagree On Punishment

Quote From: burgie70

I  would like some opinions.  My husbands coworker has a punishment for her children when they are disrespectful, sassy, and think they deserve everything.  She takes everything out of their bedrooms, and they have to earn it back.  And I mean everything, from pillows and blankets, to stuff on the walls.  I'm not sure exactly how I feel on this matter, but wonder if something like this would help my sons behaviour.  Any response is appreciated.   When I told my ex-husband about this punishment, he told me it was child abuse?
How's it working for her?  Have the behaviors stopped?  Her punishments seem extreme to include bedding, a basic need.  If her kids are anything like my daughter, it would never work because not only is she strong-willed, but she could care less about the items and saw it as a way for me to clean her room!  I tried it once, removing her toys from her bedroom.  She thanked me and didn't want them back!  Guess that backfired, lol!

What has worked are time-outs, groundings from things my kids are interested in, inability to participate in a family fun activities or playing with friends, as well as assigning extra chores without pay.  What also might happen with the mother who removes absolutely everything that the child has to earn back, it may build resentment and retaliation for the extremes she's placing on the situations.   If it continues for long periods of time, other psychological issues may also arise that may deplete her kids' self-esteem and quit caring and quit trying to earn absolutely everything in their room back.
 
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mikao2603
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June 11, 2006, 2:07 pm PDT

may i barge in here?

Quote From: beertje

How's it working for her?  Have the behaviors stopped?  Her punishments seem extreme to include bedding, a basic need.  If her kids are anything like my daughter, it would never work because not only is she strong-willed, but she could care less about the items and saw it as a way for me to clean her room!  I tried it once, removing her toys from her bedroom.  She thanked me and didn't want them back!  Guess that backfired, lol!

What has worked are time-outs, groundings from things my kids are interested in, inability to participate in a family fun activities or playing with friends, as well as assigning extra chores without pay.  What also might happen with the mother who removes absolutely everything that the child has to earn back, it may build resentment and retaliation for the extremes she's placing on the situations.   If it continues for long periods of time, other psychological issues may also arise that may deplete her kids' self-esteem and quit caring and quit trying to earn absolutely everything in their room back.

I think the stripping of the room could work very well, if the room contans 'currency' . So if the room contains things that the child loves, I think it works well. But in my opinion you should NOT take the basics away such as bedding.  

But stripping the rest, is not bad I think. Maybe it is a idea to adjust the amount you take away, to the size of the problem the kid caused. If it behaved horribly, you take away a lot. Otherwise, you take less away but be sure to include some items that you take away that are very valuable to the child. About the building resentment: I personally don't agree. I think that resentment could happen with any form of punishment. If for example you spank your child a lot, it could build up resentment too. And it's also confusing, but that's another story. About the self-esteem: couldn't it be that you build up self esteem if you learn your child to behave? Because, you get what you give. If the child behaves, it see's that it get's treated nicely. That's a good reward for the child. It learns that good behaviour 'pays'. 

  

Mikao 
 
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mom121802
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June 28, 2006, 9:01 am PDT

Spanking no way

    My fiance and I totally disagree on our parenting.  My daughter is a typical 3 year old little girl.  I was not only hit I was abused by my mother. I feel you should never put your hands on a child.  They are so small Compared to an adult hands.  There is time outs!!! Be patient.!!!   

Taking toys away.  SPANKING IS THE EASY WAY OUT!!!!!!!!!!!  Would you hit someone your own size if they did not listen to you NO WAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!  So why hit a little person who looks up to us    

     My fiance understands where I come from but we disagree on spanking.    
 
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kimmiej7
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June 28, 2006, 1:40 pm PDT

What's REALLY going on?

Quote From: catfish05

My 13 yr old daughter brought home a bad report card. It had a 50 in math a57 in language and a 69 in science. the rest were A's and B's. She was grounded all last year( yes the entire year) for C's. She shows pigs and we raise them she has learned alot from this. And she has won many things. This is something she is very good at and something that she loves. She is in extra  help for math. My husband is very strict on her. He has taken all the pigs away from her I mean sold all of them, he has grounded her, and now he thinks we should just be mean to her everyday. He spanked her 3 times last night because she did not have the amount of math problems done in the time that he allows. I think this is alittle extreme. He has only been her father for 4 years.( her real father doesn't care. He stated that he would sign away his rights to her so my husband can adopt her. which he does want to do.) He thinks because he can feel as if she  was his own she should automaticaly feel the same. I mean she loves him. but now she has made the statement she does not want him to adopt her. How can I explain to him he is hurting the situation? 

I think that he is extreme and that he still need to make sure she knows he loves her. 

He told her last night he did not want her to say anything to him about school because she was a lier. because she lied to us. I think that he should still offer for her to talk to him, then we can check it out to find out if she is lying. 

Any advice will help. 

 I can't tell from reading this post if anyone has ever really tried to figure out what is going on with this young girl. Why are her grades so poor? Does she have a learning disability? Is she having problems with friends/teachers at school? Is she just totally unmotivated? Instead of simply punishing the results, why not look for the cause? Have you talked to her teachers to see what they think?
As a teacher of 7th graders (12 and 13 year olds), I've seen many parents react the same way because they are frustrated and want the problem fixed immediately. Grades are important and your daughter needs to take school seriously, but the adults in her life need to try to understand where she is coming from as they help redirect her. No doubt part of the problem is the power struggle that has taken over your house. I learned quickly that as soon as I agreed to enter a power struggle with a child this age, I had lost. You can't win. Kids this age are very smart, but they aren't very logical. Instead of coming to the problem with the idea that you'll take away everything that's important to her and put her under strict guidelines, how about trying to talk to her with a less charged atmosphere. Really LISTEN to what she says and try to come to some compromise while still making sure that you keep her best interest in mind. Explain WHY you're so worried about her performance and what the results will be. Kids this age usually don't have any idea what consequences their actions will have in the long run; they just know what feels good right now.
 
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kimmiej7
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June 28, 2006, 1:51 pm PDT

Punishment or Consequence?

Quote From: mikao2603

I think the stripping of the room could work very well, if the room contans 'currency' . So if the room contains things that the child loves, I think it works well. But in my opinion you should NOT take the basics away such as bedding.  

But stripping the rest, is not bad I think. Maybe it is a idea to adjust the amount you take away, to the size of the problem the kid caused. If it behaved horribly, you take away a lot. Otherwise, you take less away but be sure to include some items that you take away that are very valuable to the child. About the building resentment: I personally don't agree. I think that resentment could happen with any form of punishment. If for example you spank your child a lot, it could build up resentment too. And it's also confusing, but that's another story. About the self-esteem: couldn't it be that you build up self esteem if you learn your child to behave? Because, you get what you give. If the child behaves, it see's that it get's treated nicely. That's a good reward for the child. It learns that good behaviour 'pays'. 

  

Mikao 

I think a big part of any system of discipline should be that the action  of the parent is a consequence of the child's action. Don't  "punish" a child, teach them consequences. It teaches the the child an important lesson about how life works in the "real" world and gives them an enormous amount of power. They will learn that they are in control of what happens to them. If they hit thier sibling then the natural consequence is something will be taken away, quiet time, spanking, whatever. Punishment carries the idea that you are angry with them and want them to pay. You may very well be angry, but what do you really want your child to learn from this?
I don't necessarily think stripping the room would be the best way to handle a problem, but if it works for you and the child knows ahead of time that this is what will happen if he/she misbehaves then maybe it's ok. But the child must be aware that consequences will follow their actions...be they good or bad. It's great if you can let them know what those consequences will be ahead of time, but that's not always possible. As long as they are appropriate for the misbehavior and happen quickly after the incident the child will come to realize that they made this choice and this is what will happen every time they make that choice. It also gives you the ability to approach the problem without so much emotion so the child can see that your love for him/her has not changed; you're simply following through on what you told them you would do.
 
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krcramer
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June 29, 2006, 9:50 am PDT

We Disagree On Punishment

Quote From: catfish05

My 13 yr old daughter brought home a bad report card. It had a 50 in math a57 in language and a 69 in science. the rest were A's and B's. She was grounded all last year( yes the entire year) for C's. She shows pigs and we raise them she has learned alot from this. And she has won many things. This is something she is very good at and something that she loves. She is in extra  help for math. My husband is very strict on her. He has taken all the pigs away from her I mean sold all of them, he has grounded her, and now he thinks we should just be mean to her everyday. He spanked her 3 times last night because she did not have the amount of math problems done in the time that he allows. I think this is alittle extreme. He has only been her father for 4 years.( her real father doesn't care. He stated that he would sign away his rights to her so my husband can adopt her. which he does want to do.) He thinks because he can feel as if she  was his own she should automaticaly feel the same. I mean she loves him. but now she has made the statement she does not want him to adopt her. How can I explain to him he is hurting the situation? 

I think that he is extreme and that he still need to make sure she knows he loves her. 

He told her last night he did not want her to say anything to him about school because she was a lier. because she lied to us. I think that he should still offer for her to talk to him, then we can check it out to find out if she is lying. 

Any advice will help. 

Hi - I actually registered to this site just to send you a message about your daughter....I have never even been on the Dr. Phil website before.  I wanted to write to you because I had a stepfather when I was young that believed in the same types of punishments.  I felt completely devalued.  I think it is important to find ways to discipline our children without breaking them down or taking away the qualities that make them who they are.  Also, the discipline should be in reaction to the behavior, but should maintain the relationship between the child and parent.  She must still feel loved, and not abandoned by you(her primary caregiver).  Treat her like she's still a person regardless of her behavior, and give her things to reach for as opposed to putting her in a situation where she feels worthless and has nothing left to look forward to.  Why should she do better if there's nothing to look forward to?  If she's grounded for extended periods of time and all of her favorite things are gone (this happened to me when I was her age), the thinking becomes, why should I do better, I'm always going to be stuck in this situation?  It's such a feeling of loneliness.  I don't know the answer, but I really hope that you both try a new approach for your daughter's sake.  I'm 30 yrs. old now, and I still look back and wonder why my mother didn't stand up for me during my extended punishments.
 
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mrsroberts
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July 17, 2006, 3:34 pm PDT

Was I Right or Wrong?

My 15 yr old daughter has been going thru some emotion issues latley. She was gone from home for a week staying with her older sister. She came home Saturday. No sooner than she got home her father was jumping all over her yelling and cursing. Over her room being a mess witch was cleaned up before she left. Her siblings are the ones who messed it up who are 12 and 9 yrs old. I said they had to clean it but....... Well anyway,, she got so upset she jumped up out of her chair and went to run outside away from her father. He started yelling at her to come back in the kitchen so she sat down in a chair by the door. I went to her to talk to her to calm her down and he started yelling again pulling his belt off. He tryed pushing thru me and I looked at him and told him he is not hitting her with no belt. He cursed at all of us and left. Was I right or was I in the wrong???  

             Kathy  
 
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