Topic : We Disagree On Punishment

Thank you very much!

Still not able to find that exact show since I don't remember when he told the story.

So if anyone remember please let me know what you remember him saying!

thank you!

Christina

Hello,

I received an e-mail about two subjects.  One, about proper attire for boarding a plance, and two, the fifteen-year-old who is campaigning against cussing.

There are people whom I've stopped seeing because of bad language, cussing, violent words or similar things.  I like them as human beings, but wouldn't want to share my life with someone who uses violent language, for I believe that language reveals who we are, and if someone uses violent words, this means that there is an inner component that has the ability to be violent.

I even disagree with terms such as *having sex*.  We may have a headache, which we didn't ask for, or we may have pizza for dinner, which is a detail of daily life, but to treat sexual intercourse as a casual choice trivializes the sanctity of sharing one's soul with another person and conveys the impression that to give oneself is something to be entered into lightly, which it isn't.

In my family, when I was growing up, my parents didn't curse or use obscene language, yet their words frequently had a colour of violence, which at the time I was unable to analyze, but have since analyzed, as an adult, and considered not suitable for my home.  Words carry weight and it's not merely a question of avoiding saying *horrible* about something which isn't horrible, but extends to the whole language tools that we use.  Many people say that they were *shocked*, when in reality, they were merely displeased or surprised or slightly disappointed.  We cannot say that we are opposed to violence if our own language is exaggerated or disproportionate with the occurrence at hand.

Many adults who try to be their children's *friends*, instead of being their mentors, guides or sources of inspiration, adopt their teen children's language in order to be perceived as *cool*, but that is wrong and they shouldn't turn around and denounce violence on television, while in their own home, the words that they use are exaggerated, equivalent to lying, actually, because exaggeration is a form of falsehood, or violent in any way.

There is more and more talk about *health*.  Health, defined as fitness, or wellness, or the ability to function and do everything that is on our list, should definitely include happiness, respect, a desire to improve and become, on the INSIDE also, a better person. 

The primary function of language is to serve as a way for people to understand one another, not as a way for people to threaten or attack.  If language, the way it is used, divides a family or conveys anger, hostility or violence, then people would be better off remaining silent, until they find something to say that will be good, constructive and true.

As an Educator for the masses, Dr Phil has a responsibility, on his show, to lead by example by using language that denotes no anger, no exaggeration, and no violence.

What kind of "violent" language are you talking about? I am gentle as a lamb, I don't even spank my kid. I don't even kill bugs, I do however use a lot of "cuss words"....LOL

And the term "having sex" offends you? The words "horrible" and "shocked" offend you?

This post annoys the hell out of me....

I think that you read way too much into casual speech and if you "stopped seeing" me because of my language I'd consider it a GOOD thing.

Go find something REAL to worry about. Geeze.

My 9 year old daughter is acting out in school and causing so much drama.  She is lying and be so disrespectful at school.  Her report card grades were good however her classroom rules part were REAL BAD!!  What is the right way to handle this?

What is the school doing about the behavior problems?  There should definitely be some immediate consequences at school.  Is this a new behavior for her?  You should definitely have a conference involving the principal, the teacher, and maybe the school counselor.  Are these behaviors happening at recess or in the classroom?  It might be helpful for the school counselor to inconspicuously observe your daughter for a day or so...he/she might have some insight into the cause of the bad behavior.  If you can get to the cause, you have a better chance of stopping the behaviors.

 

Arrange with the school that you get a phone call when your daughter is mis-behaving...perhaps SHE should be the one to make the phone call...a few times of having to "face the music" with mom might be enough to stop the behavior...you should know about it every time it happens.

 

Our elementary school has a report system for kids with on-going behavior problems.  They have a behavior report sheet that the teacher fills out every day.  The infractions are listed, as well as the times when the child is well-behaved.  The report is a helpful tool for you to be able to discuss the behaviors at home.  The report is to be signed by the parent every day, so the teachers know that they got it.

 

As far as punishment at home...you could have a chart that is based on the behavior reports you get from school...by phone, or whatever...track the good and the bad, and keep score, with points for good behavior, and points lost for bad behavior...make the points count for something that she would really like...maybe a trip out for ice cream or a movie...what ever would motivate her.

 

You could also keep in contact with the teacher by daily emails...same thing...a daily behavior report. Or, you could pick up your daughter from school every day, and stop in to see the teacher or principal for a behavior report...anything to keep in contact.

 

Communication between you and the school staff is the most important thing in curbing your daughter's bad behavior...you are all on the same team...with your daughter's best interests in mind.

 

Good luck...Becky

 

 

I have a 10 year old son,who i love dearly with all of my heart.He does not want to listen when he is told to do  something or told not to do something.He also thinks that he should be able to do whatever whenever.When i take stuff away from him for not listening it doesnt seem to bother him I have also tried the approach of sitting down and talkng to hm about what he is doing and how it makes me feel but it doesn't seem to bother him much.He also has a bad habit of talking back to me about every-thing i say or make smart remarks.If any-one out there has any suggestions or advice it would be appreciated.I am just so stressed out and i am not sure what to do next.I don't want to make him hate me.

Recently we've been having major disciplinary problems with our 9 year old son. For the second time in two weeks, he's gotten in major trouble at the home of our private sitter. Last week he threw a valuable toy at another child, nearly hitting him and destroying the toy. The same day, he overheard our sitter and my wife discussing a serious health issue of the sitter's daughter, and immediately ran to the little girl and told her she was going to die!!

 

Today I find out that he insulted a kid in the sitter's neighborhood as he walked by the sitter's house. He knows this boy from school and has had run-ins with him in the past.

 

Our sitter is very close to ending our child care arrangement because of all of this. To make matters worse, my wife and I disagree on punishment. I say it's OK to spank him when he behaves like this, even though at 9 years old it may seem to some that he is too old. My wife is pretty much dead set against any form of physical punishment. Not surprisingly, I was raised in a home with a strict father who did spank on occasion. On the other hand, my wife can literally count on one hand the number of times that her parents spanked her.

 

I'm at my wit's end. I'm so angry and upset with my son right now that I could scream. I want so badly to spank him to get my point across, but I know that will just cause more division between my wife and I. What can I do to get through to my son the severity of his recent actions, as well as discipline him? And how do I handle things with my wife?

How much supervision does your son get at the sitter's house?  What kind of consequences does he have when he is there?  He is YOUR son, but when he is at the sitter's house, you have NO control over his actions.  It is up to the sitter to provide proper supervision...leave kids alone, and they will get into trouble...kids are good at that.  Kids need IMMEDIATE consequences...spanking him, or otherwise applying discipline at the end of the day really does NOTHING for the immediate situation at your sitter's house.  He needs to have immediate feedback and consequences...time-outs are still effective at age 9, as long as they are enforced.

 

How long has this behavior been going on?  Have you ever considered discussing it with a counselor?  A counselor can be very helpful in offering suggestions for you and your babysitter.

 

Age 9 is pretty old for spanking...you would have to hit him pretty hard to "get your point across"...and that borders on abuse...spanking is more for the toddler who is about to do something dangerous, or about to break something...a slap on the hand or butt...

 

You can inflict consequences at home for behavior at the babysitter's house...for the broken toy, he might have to do work to earn money to pay for the broken toy...

 

You are not there to inflict immediate consequences at the sitter's house, but there is something you can do at home...be sure that your son is receiving plenty of positive attention at home...AND start a behavior chart...add a star every day to the chart for reports of good behavior...have a reward he can earn after earning so many stars...reward him that day with something like computer or video game time...if there is a bad report, no video time that day...we use computer time as the "cookie" for our kids...when their homework and chores are done, they can have an hour on the computer.

 

Is your son involved in any extra-curricular activities?  Scouts?  Sports?  Give him something to look forward to and be committed to...something that he can do with a parent...our boys have been involved in Scouts since 1st grade...it's really a good program...and a way for parents to touch bases...you might find that mis-behavior isn't so uncommon...kids push their limits all the time...they need somebody at the reins to keep them in line.

 

I hope some of this is helpful...I'm pretty long-winded...our kids mis-behave, but there are always immediate consequences...and we feel like broken records at times...they don't seem to learn on the first time around...but that's part of being a kid...

 

You and your wife really do need to discuss the discipline policy in your house...who is the "boss"?  You and your wife are in charge...no negotiating on that...be consistent on whatever you decide...kids need to know what to expect when they behave and mis-behave...I think that having to "earn" the good things is a good way to start...it puts a more positive spin than to "take away" something for bad behavior.  Again, a counselor might be able to give you some suggestions for your individual situation...

 

Becky

Our youngest son is 10 years old...what is it about that age??  I think that they are starting to develop their independence, wanting to have a voice...but that doesn't mean that you have to put up with his guff.

 

Our 10 year old will drop to the floor and refuse to get up when there is something he doesn't want to do...or throw a fit...that's a NO GO with MOM...certainly doesn't earn him anything that he wants...He knows that if he does that, he will be dragged to his room to calm down...and since he has to do his homework and chores before he gets any time on the computer, he isn't helping himself by refusing...usually, he is pretty dedicated to doing his homework and does very well in school, and the dropping to the floor isn't a daily occurance anymore...I think it is directly related to his level of tiredness...we really have to enforce going to bed on time in order to make sure that he gets enough sleep.  He has trouble falling asleep, so the doctor said to give him Benadryl at bedtime...he has allergies, so the Benadryl has double benefits...since starting him on the Benadryl, his behavior has greatly improved...just getting a good night's sleep makes all the difference in the world...

 

Take a look at your child's daily routine.  Is he getting enough sleep?  Is he eating healthy foods? How is his behavior at school?  Around other kids?  Around other adults?  Is he getting enough attention when he is NOT misbehaving?  Does he have clear and consistent consequences for his behavior?  (good and bad behavior). 

 

We have homework troubles with our 14 year old...we drew up a homework contract that includes rewards for bringing his work home, or a note from the teacher if there is "no homework"...since he is really motivated by getting time on the computer, that's what we use...since instituting the contract, we have seen great improvement...if you want to see the specific contract, it is posted on a recent posting on Dr. Phil's "School Issues" board, under the "Teens/Pre-teens" heading.

 

Our 10 year old has recently been talking back...a sharp verbal reprimand is what he gets...and a do-over, where he has to state what he just said in a respectful manner...do it enough, and he'll learn to be respectful...because it really is showing dis-respect to talk back to his parents.

 

It is natural for kids to push their limits...we, as parents, have to set the boundries and enforce them...if they get away with it once, they will assume that this is the "new rule"...and they will bring it up again and again..."you let me do it before...why not now?"  Supervision...don't let them get into trouble in the first place...but if they do...they must have consequences...sometimes the natural consequences are enough...but if the natural consequences are not apparent or immediate, we have to inflict consequences...do-overs and time-outs are still effective on 10 year olds...even 14 year olds...it gets the point across...our kids like to bicker with one-another...we will put them in a chair at opposite ends of the house...they can come out when they think they can agree with each other to be nice...I don't care how many times it takes...that's what they get every time.  Then, they have to do-over...politely ask, rather than yelling...they are bickering less these days...maybe it's the consequences...maybe they're growing up...

 

For severe talking back, there's always SOAP...dish soap is non-toxic...just a drop wiped on the lips is enough to get the point across...LOL

 

All kidding aside, let the consequences fit the crime...save the yelling for when the house is on fire...be the boss...don't worry about your son "hating" you...you are the MOM, not his best friend...you are the one that has to make him do what he doesnt' want to, and to be respectful.  Be sure that your child gets positive comments and consequences for good behavior...if all they hear is negative, they will just get worse.

 

I hope this helps...I tend to be long-winded...I don't have all the answers...we have three boys...ages 19, 14, and 10...and we've survived...made some mistakes along the way, hopefully learned from them...and we've learned that what works for one may not work as well on another...they are all different...and what works and doesn't work changes as they grow...the main thing is to be the BOSS...be the MOM...

 

Time-outs and do-overs...probably the most effective immediate consequence...having to earn the good things...but don't make it impossible...it is pretty easy for our kids to earn their computer time...just do their homework and chores in a timely manner...we don't "take it away" for bad behavior...they just don't earn it unless they do what they are supposed to...

 

Becky

Listen, Do you actually think that she doesn't know how or what to feed their kids. SHE DOES, she elects not to. It is taught to us in the 3rd grade, remember the 4 food groups.Stand up, take control, and TELL them what the are going to TRY. not eat TRY. I believe every child should try everything placed on there plate at least once.What I mean by try is eat the entire amount placed on their plate. not one measly little bite.