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Topic : 07/27 Fighting Styles

Number of Replies: 166
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Created on : Thursday, April 27, 2006, 07:07:11 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 05/01/06) Dr. Phil’s guests say they fight so much that fighting has become the only way they know how to communicate. But is there a right and wrong way to fight? Kim admits that she’s a screamer who often uses profanity in front of their kids. Her husband, Mike, says he’s a cerebral fighter who retaliates by calling her “mental” and “psycho.” Kim has reached such a boiling point that when she goes at it with her spouse, she throws the phone and smashes up picture frames! Can this couple learn to put down the gloves and call a truce? Then, Belinda’s screaming and hitting caused her husband, Gerald, to move across the country just to get away from her. Cameras caught the chaos when Gerald returned home in an effort to sort out their issues. Will reconciling with Belinda be the biggest mistake of his life? If you’re a feuding couple, don’t miss Dr. Phil’s Rules for Fighting Fair and talk about the show here.

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May 1, 2006, 4:13 pm CDT

05/01 Fighting Styles

Quote From: groovy

Mike is verbally & emotionally abusing you, & playing passive aggressive mindgames.  How dare he mislead his relatives into thinking you're a bad mother!  He intentionally does & says what you don't like because he ENJOYS PUSHING YOUR BUTTONS.  And, to quote Dr. Phil from other shows, "you pay off like a slot machine!"    

   

For the sake of your CHILD & your sanity, STOP reacting to him pushing your buttons.  Stop yelling & throwing things, especially in front of your child!  Stop calling him names!  Take the high road.  And put yourself in the mindset of who cares what he thinks of you!  He's your ABUSER & he also has a gambling/financial problem.  He likes to put YOU down to deflect from his serious problems.  

   

You obviously love him, but IMO you'd be better off without him!  Verbal & emotional abuse is a serious problem where he needs at least a year of counseling with a counseler especially trained in these issues.   

   

P.S.  I think Dr. Phil's telling you, a sufferer of abuse to "grow up!" was very insensitive.  Although if Dr. Phil means "grow up" in the sense of don't argue in front of your child, I totally agree with that.  

I agree. Mike just laid back and picked at her so he could call her nuts.  What a pathetic man.  And did you see him talking to his son-"Your mother doesn't care that you've been sitting with that load in your pants for half an hour."  like he is incapable of changing a diaper?!  Why even have children if you don't want to look after them??  

  

I agree with you that Dr. Phil missed the mark on this couple. Mike needed to hear that HE had a problem and he didn't. He wasn't told to stop gambling. He wasn't told to help out some with the kids. She was just told to "grow up"...well sheesh, how's that going to play out when they get home?  How often is Mike going to bait her with "grow up"? 

 
May 1, 2006, 4:19 pm CDT

This Was Like Looking In The Mirror

I have not really watched the Dr.Phil show since my husband and I were on it in Sept 02. The second day it aired. I was so madd at Dr.Phil for making me cry on national tv. Anyway for some strange reason after all these years I watched todays show. I sat and cried. It was like watching my husband and I. It hurt me so badly for the child. I wrote some of Dr.Phils advice down on paper and believe it or not I got out the Relationship Rescue book that was given to us and I started to re-read it again. This book truely did save our marriage. I guess with time we forgot what we were supposto be doing to make our relationship and family work. I THANK GOD as I am sitting here actually for todays show. I really needed it as a wake up call. I immediatly called my husband and told him how proud of him I was and that I LOVED him for who he was. When our twins came home I hugged and kissed them and told them how proud I was of them. Thank You again Dr.Phil for puttting me back on track.We May Not Have It All Together, But Together We Have It All...................
 
May 1, 2006, 4:25 pm CDT

05/01 Fighting Styles

Quote From: shockgal

Okay I only caught a bit of the first couple but the part I caught was for the husband to show appreciation to the wife and for the wife to validate the husband.........my question is how?!?  I thought I was validating my husband by cooking, cleaning and looking after the house and household business.........sadly I am mistaken.can anyone help and give me ideas..
The "house hold business" are the things that need to be done.  It's more responsibility than showing appreciation for your husband, though I'm more motivated to do all the house hold chores when I know they are appreciated.  It would be the same as your husband feeling his going to work every day shows you he appreciates you.  There is more to it than that.  Things like leaving little love notes where he will find them.  A random phone call just to tell him you love him.  Things like that.  Asking about each others day and listening with out distractions. That can be a task all in itself with small children.  Hope this is helpful.
 
May 1, 2006, 4:34 pm CDT

fighting styles

the first couple on the show, is almost exactly my life.  it is alsomt scary, my mother died 9 years ago from a brain tumor and i am also a stay at home mom, but i have twin boys that are 2 years old.  my husband also disrespects for being a stay at home mom, puts down every thing i do. i can tell you the last time he has payed me a compliment.  he would rather cut me down or say some thing mean.  no matter what i say or do it is not right.   

i am also a "screamer" but i also cry alot.  we fight alot, my oldest  son is 7 and we have fought so much in front of him and he has seen how him dad disrespects me and calls me names he is also starting to disrespecting me and my husband praises him for the way he treats me.   

my husband will not even watch the twins long enough for me to even run to the store, the only way he will watch them is if they are asleep, but yet he can come and go as he pleases.  we have only went 3 times some where as a whole family, he gets embarassed because he says it is like the brady bunch going some where, so he just takes the oldest and leaves the twins with me. 

  

please help,   

 
May 1, 2006, 4:34 pm CDT

TELL HIM

Quote From: keikokat

question to all,  

I'm pregnant and My husband really doesn't know how to  talk to a pregnant women i'm 5 months through and i'm scared to even talk to him because his answer is to lay down and ignore the whole situation. I'm even scared to fight with him and i know holding in feelings isn't good.  

But i don't want my baby who can hear now in my stomach to hear us fighting. is he doing the right thing by just laying on the bed and going to sleep or am i doing the right thing by trying to talk it out yet i cry when it turns into a fight we don't slap but he sure uses a bit of verbal insults he shouldn't use when the baby can hear inside. How do i communicate and if we do fight should i be worried about the baby hearing or does it not understand words just tones.  

Being sensitive because of pregnancy can start alot of fights any tips?  

I WENT THROUGH A SIMILAR SITUATION WHEN I WAS PREGNANT WITH MY SON....MY HUSBAND AND I DIDN'T FIGHT OFTEN BUT WHEN WE DID IT WAS BAD.......AND ALL I CAN TELL YOU IS TO TELL HIM WHAT YOUR FEELING...YOUR BABY FEELS YOUR SADNESS AND HE FEELS YOUR STRESS, ADDRESS IT NOW SO YOU WON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT AFTER THE BABY IS BORN.  

I HOPE IT GETS BETTER FOR YOU  

 
May 1, 2006, 4:38 pm CDT

Fair is Fair

Quote From: elvira

opinion of 1st couple on mondays show.    i question the hope for this couple because, he was able to cry when viewing their actions on the big screen.   she on the other hand couldn't mustard up a tear.    i think when you can't cry, your done with a situation.   and.......here's a qoute for you madam......FAIR IS A PLACE YOU GO TO RIDE RIDES!         keeping that qoute in my head has helped me to cool down when i get really angry about fairness.      we're in the game of LIFE and there's nothing fair about that,  try to keep it together till you can be in a better place with God, then things will be fair. 

I believe FAIR IS FAIR.  I have 2 kids from a previous marriage and so does my husband.  I have always treated my step-children equal to my own children.  My husband, evident to me, doesn't believe the same way I do.   I love all of the kids and each of them for their individuality. My husband and I have been together for over 12 years.  Our kids now range between 16 and 22.  We have gotten into a lot of arguments concerning the kids.  I know it's always hard to combine families together.  I do strongly believe that all of the kids should be treated equally.  If one kid gets yelled at for 20 minutes for leaving a "hairball" in the tub, the other one should, too.  However, I don't do that.  I just clean it out.  What's the point in yelling?  Also, I love my step-son to much to do the same as his father has done to my son in the past.  I know I don't fight fair either.  I have been physically abused, verbally abused and emotionally abused by my husband.  I reach my blowing point of being de-graded, and the I blow up and do the same things he does.  I know it's not healthy.  But, Fair IS Fair!!!
 
May 1, 2006, 4:40 pm CDT

MY MARRIAGE IS IN TROUBLE

I AM REALLY NOT SURE IF MY MARRIAGE WILL SURVIVE. MY HUSBAND AND I FIGHT ALL THE TIME AND WE HAVE A 9 MONTH OLD SON....WE NEVER FIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM NOR DOES HE HEAR US WHEN WE DO. BUT I AM AT A LOSS I AM SO TIRED OF THE HURTFUL WORDS AND MEAN THINGS HE SAYS TO ME. I PULL AWAY FROM HIM AND WE END UP BITTER AT EACH OTHER....THE PHYSICAL ATTRACTION IS GONE AND I WANT TO GET IT BACK.....HIS ATTITUDE JUST MAKES ME SO TURNED OFF BY HIM. HE IS NOT THE MAN I MARRIED ANYMORE. THE ONLY REASON I HANG ON IS BECAUSE I STILL SEE THE MAN I MARRIED DEEP DOWN INSIDE OF HIM....I JUST DON'T KNOW IF HE'LL EVER EMERGE AGAIN??? 

WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 6 YEARS AND THE FIRST 3 WERE GREAT......NOW ITS JUST THERE.......I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO......SOMETIMES I JUST THINK I AM BETTER OFF LETTING HIM GO, SO WE CAN BOTH BE HAPPY. 

IF ANYONE HAS ANY ADVICE I SURE WOULD LIKE TO HEAR IT! 

THANKS 

 
May 1, 2006, 4:45 pm CDT

05/01 Fighting Styles

Quote From: keikokat

question to all,  

I'm pregnant and My husband really doesn't know how to  talk to a pregnant women i'm 5 months through and i'm scared to even talk to him because his answer is to lay down and ignore the whole situation. I'm even scared to fight with him and i know holding in feelings isn't good.  

But i don't want my baby who can hear now in my stomach to hear us fighting. is he doing the right thing by just laying on the bed and going to sleep or am i doing the right thing by trying to talk it out yet i cry when it turns into a fight we don't slap but he sure uses a bit of verbal insults he shouldn't use when the baby can hear inside. How do i communicate and if we do fight should i be worried about the baby hearing or does it not understand words just tones.  

Being sensitive because of pregnancy can start alot of fights any tips?  

I know there have been studies and babies at a certain point can hear in the womb.  You are stressing over words...  The baby shouldn't understand language yet so it is more about tones.  I wouldn't worry about words before you hear mama or dada.  However, the baby can feel your stress.  It sounds like your marriage is under a lot of stress right now.  What were the feelings about the pregnancy?  He needs to find some other way of fighting other than insults though.  How much has this pregnancy changed you?  Something to think about, and I only mention it because my first child brought about so many drastic changes in myself and my husband was stressed and scared because I changed so drastically so fast he didn't know what to think.  It took me a while to calm down and find a balance.  All my attention went to our baby and I neglected him (very common situation and very hard on a marriage).  Men don't go through the same hormonal, emotional, and maternal changes we go through.  Your quote really caught my attention because it sounded like something I would have said at that time.  Don't get caught up in being the perfect mother !  There is no such thing.  To stress yourself out trying to be the perfect mother will keep you from being the best mother you can be.  If your stressed, your not going to be happy, if you are not happy with you it will show and it will effect your relationships with those around you especially your husband.  I hope I didn't miss the mark and I hope you find this helpful.  

 
May 1, 2006, 4:53 pm CDT

Blame is a double-edged word

Quote From: ladywells

I understand completely what your going through. I can tell you he'll never "get it" and he'll never change. For my ex (of 25years) it was the "blame" factor, nothing could be his fault, the other thing I think is that your spouse is projecting on to you. The things he says about you are really how he feels about himself.  My advice to you .... take one day at a time and develop a quality relationship with your daughter (as her mother, not a friend),  You can only change yourself, so do the best you can and make life good, loving, fun, educational and form a secure and safe environment in your home.  Your daughter will also learn this and hopefully will carry it with her when she has her own family. As far as her dad, I let HIM manage his relationship with his daughters.  I got out of the middle and they learned all about him and made there own decisions on how they felt and how close they wanted to be to him.  It was an awakening for him because he couldn't talk to them the way he treated me. Don't  try to protect her from the person he is, let her experience him and in turn him experience her first hand.  Just be there when she needs you and support whatever decisions she makes, even if you disagree.  

I hope I've given you some ideas and remember, it takes time but you'll be happier.  I promise! 

  

I've been the looney one at times, according to my husband, but he's also been a lunatic!! Life is 1% what you do and 99% of how you react to what others do, that's what I'm learning. People project things, both positive and negative. Remember the motto,"I'm rubber, you're glue, whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks back to you". We all just want validation and someone to understand and tell us "OK" when we present our problems or ideas, even if they don't totally agree with us. And blame in the end only makes us all feel bad. So my advice to us all is to be responsible for our own behavior and if you can't tolerate someone, you have a choice to either stay or to go. Nobody but you has that choice and I really despise people who say, "You need to leave" when they have no idea what goes on. Kids unfortunately get in the middle sometimes, but you need to hold that thought of arguing or else do it in a respectful, direct way that won't create a standoff. I still struggle myself with this issue. And it will probably never end because we're all stubborn!!
 
May 1, 2006, 4:56 pm CDT

05/01 Fighting Styles

I disagree about keeping arguments behind closed doors.  If the fighting is out of control that is one thing, insults and name calling shouldn't be going on anyhow.  My only point is that kids have to know that disagreement between spouses is absolutely normal, they should see the compromising, and that things are worked though.  To leave this out creates an unrealistic view of marriage.  I guess this is also the opposite extreme from the show, fighting so discreet it seemingly doesn't exist.  I suppose as with most things there is a balance.
 
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