Topic : 07/27 Fighting Styles

MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE DONE THE SCREAMING THING AT EACH OTHER FOR SO MANY YEARS THAT I FINALLY HAD TO PUT A STOP TO IT!! WE WOULD GET INTO SUCH TERRIBLE NAME CALLING FIGHTS AND OUR DAUGHTER WOULD HEAR IT ALL!! WE GOT INTO AN AWFUL ONE ON CHRISTMAS DAY AND HE TOLD ME "SOMEDAYS I JUST WISH YOU'D COMMIT SUICIDE" AND THE STUPID PART WAS I LOOKED AT HIM AND SAID "YOU WANT IT-YOU GOT IT" AND PUT A KNIFE TO MY WRIST AND MY DAUGHTER CAME RUNNING IN AND SAID "NO MOMMY-DON'T DO IT-I LOVE YOU" AND I WILL NEVER FORGET THE LOOK ON HER FACE AND THEN AFTER WE BOTH STARTED CRYING(MY DAUGHTER AND MYSELF) MY HUSBAND HAD THE NERVE TO CALL ME A LOONEY BITCH AND TELL ME LOOK WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO OUR DAUGHTER!! I LEFT THE HOUSE FOR AWHILE AND OF COURSE HE TOLD OUR DAUGHTER "I SHOULDN'T OF SAID THAT TO HER" I CAME BACK AND WE HAD CHRISTMAS TOGETHER WITH MY SON ALSO AND I KNOW HE COULD TELL THAT THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG BUT I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING TO HIM!! I MADE MY HUSBAND MOVE OUT ABOUT A MONTH LATER AND TOLD HIM I JUST CAN'T KEEP LIVING LIKE THIS AND I DON'T THINK OUR 11YR OLD SHOULD HAVE TO EITHER!! HE IS STILL NOT HOME AND HE STILL ISN'T THINKING HE HAS ANY PROBLEMS IT'S ALL ME!!! I ADMIT I HAVE MADE BAD MISTAKES IN THE PAST THAT I'M PAYING FOR NOW BUT I JUST CAN'T ASK HIM TO COME BACK UNTILL HE GETS IT TOGETHER AND IT'S NOT LOOKING VERY PROMISING AND IT'S ALREADY BEEN OVER 2 MONTHS!! I JUST CAN'T GET IT THROUGH HIS HEAD WHAT WE'VE ALREADY DONE TO OUR DAUGHTER BUT HE JUST DON'T SEE IT!!! HE ASKED ME IF I STILL LOVE HIM BUT I HONESTLY CAN'T ANSWER HIM ON THAT BECAUSE I'VE BEEN HURT SO BAD WITH ALL THE PAST THINGS THAT HAVE BEEN SAID!! PLEASEEEEE, OFFER SOME ADVICE!! I FEEL VERY ALONE AND SCARED!!! THANKS SO MUCH FOR READING AND CARING!!!

BELIEVE ME  YOU ARE NOT ALONE.   

  

THERE ARE A LOT OF FAMILIES WHO EXPERIENCED SIMILAR STYLES OF COMMUNICATIONS WITH THEIR SPOUSES. 

  

I CAN REMEMBER GROWING UP AS A CHILD AND ALSO OBSERVING SIMILAR ARGUMENTS BETWEEN MY PARENTS. 

  

ALTHOUGH, MOST OF THE TIME, IT APPEARED THAT MUM WAS ALWAYS THE INSTIGATOR OR PROVOKER OF THOSE ARGUMENTS.   

  

MY DAD MOST OF THE TIME, NEVER ARGUED BACK, AND TRIED TO AVOID ESCALATING THE SITUATION BY BEING PASSIVE AND WALKING AWAY FROM IT.  

  

I CAN'T REMEMBER EVERY HEARING MY PARENTS CALLING EACH OTHER BY TERMS SUCH AS "PSYCHO!", "THE B-WORD" OR SO FORTH THAT MOST PERSONS WHO I HAVE OBSERVED ON DR.  PHIL'S SHOW SAYING. 

  

COUPLES SOMETIMES HAVE TO WEIGH THEIR ACTIONS AND BEHAVIOURS ESPECIALLY WHEN THERE ARE CHILDREN INVOLVED.  WHEN A COUPLE HAS RECPECT FOR EACHOTHER AND UNDERSTANDING OF EACHOTHER'S NEEDS AND INTERESTS, THEY, CAN SOMETIMES FIND A COMPROMISE TO RESOLVE THEIR DIFFERENCES. 

  

FOR SOME COUPLES, UNFORTUNATELY, SIMPLY HAVEN'T A CLUE OR A BACKUP PLAN TO COPE WITH THEIR DIFFERENCES AND INSTEAD WILL RESORT TO EXTREME MEASURES AS A LAST RESORT OR THE ONLY ANSWER IN DESPERATION FOR A QUICK FIX OR A SPEEDIER FIX 

WHEN WHAT THEY REALLY NEED IS HELP AND UNDERSTANDING AND AN OUTSIDER TO INTERVENE AND SHOW THEM OR TEACH THEM HOW TO LEARN TO RESPECT ONE ANOTHER OR HOW TO COMMUNICATE TO ONE ANOTHER WITH SCREAMING DOWN EACH OTHER'S THROATS. 

  

FOR SOME MALES, IT BASICALLY BOILS DOWN TO PRIDE, FEAR OF LETTING GO, SHOWING VULNERABILITY, ADMITTING THEY ARE WRONG OR THEY ARE BEHAVING BADLY, AND THAT THEY ARE WEAK AND NEED TO CHANGE IN ORDER TO IMPROVE THEIR COMMUNICATIONS WITH THEIR SPOUSES.  

  

I AM NOT A MALE, I CAN ONLY GO BY MY OWN EXPERIENCE FROM WHAT I HAVE LEARN FROM MALES WHO ARE NOT ONLY MY RELATIVES, MY FATHER, MY TEACHERS, MALE STUDENTS, ICONS, ROLE MODELS IN THE COMMUNITIES, AND MALES THAT I HAVE GENERALLY KNOWN OVER THE YEARS.  SOMETIMES ITS ABOUT THE MANCHO IMAGE AND BEING IN CONTROL. 

  

FOR WOMEN, IN GENERAL, SOMETIMES, THE ONLY FORM OF COMMUNICATION THEY RESORT TO IN ORDER TO GET THROUGH TO THEIR SPOUSES, IS BY SCREAMING AND THROWING THINGS AT THEIR SPOUSES.  MEN TENDS SOMETIMES MISINTERPRET THAT KIND OF COMMUNICATION AS HATRED OR ANGER FROM THEIR SPOUSES.  WHEN SOMETIMES WHAT THEIR SPOUSES ARE TRYING TO SAY IS I NEED LOVE, AFFECTION, COMFORT AND SUPPORT FROM YOU.  A HUG AND A GOOD CRYING IS THE BEST MEDICINE THAT COUPLES SOMETIMES NEED TO ENGAGE IN TO CLEANSE THEMSELVES OR TO FEEL THE PAIN IN THE PRESENT MOMENT AND SHARE THAT MOMENT AND ALLOW TO TAKE PLACE AND RELEASE IT TOGETHER. 

  

FOR SOME OF US, MANY GREW UP WITH PARENTS WHO WERE NOT AFFECTIONATE TOWARDS THEIR CHILDREN WHO FELT STARVED FOR THE LOVE AND AFFECTION FROM THEIR PARENTS, THAT LATER IN THEIR LIVES, THEY DEPRIVE THEIR CHILDREN FROM THAT LOVE AND AFFECTION THAT THEIR PARENTS ROBBED FROM THEM. 

  

I EMPATHISE WITH YOUR SITUATION.  SOMETIMES, I FIND THAT IT IS BETTER TO SHOW EMOTIONS WHETHER IT BE CRYING OR SCREAMING, THAN, TO EXPRESS NOTHING AND PRETEND THAT YOU ARE NOT HUMAN ENOUGH TO BE ABLE TO LOSE CONTROL OF OURSELVES. 

  

IT IS NOT SURPRISE THAT THOSE WHO DO NOT SHOW ANY EMOTIONS ARE THOSE WHO USUALLY DIE OF SOME FORM OF CANCER OR OTHER LONG TERM DISEASES. 

  

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH SHOWING YOUR EMOTIONS, BUT, ONE MUST BE MINDFUL THAT THOSE WHO ARE CLOSEST TO US OR LOVED ONES ARE NOT HARMED, VICTIMIZED, TRAUMATIZED OR THREATENED BY OUR FREEDOM OF CHOICE TO EXPRESS THOSE STRONG HUMAN EMOTIONS. 

  

IT IS SUCH A SHAME THAT EVEN IN THIS DAY IN AGE, DESPITE ALL THE TECHNOLOGICAL ADVANCEMENTS AND SCIENTIFIC RESEARCHES AND ADVANCEMENTS, WE STILL FAIL TERRIBLY IN THE WESTERN WORLD TO ADDRESS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, DIVORCE, FIGHTING OR ARGUMENTS AMONG SPOUSES. 

  

I THINK EVERY FAMILY IS DIFFERENT AND EVERY INDIVIDUAL IN THIS WORLD HAS A RESPONSIBILITY WHETHER IT BE A VERY MINOR ONE OR A HUGE ONE, TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR OWN ACTIONS AND LEARN TO MANAGE THOSE ACTIONS THAT MAY AFFECT OUR RELATIONSHIPS WITH OUR SPOUSES OR LOVED ONES. 

  

NOONE IS IN CONTROL OF YOURSELF AND YOUR THOUGHTS BY YOURSELF.  THUS, IF ONE HAS A CONSCIOUS TO SEE, HEAR, LISTEN, TOUCH AND SMELL, THEN, DON'T WE OWE IT TO OURSELVES TO USE THOSE TREASURES AND GIFTS THAT GOD GAVE US DURING OUR CREATION TO ENHANCE AND ENRICH OUR COMMUNICATIONS AND REALTIONSHIPS WITH OUR SPOUSES OR LOVED ONES AND EVERYONE ELSE AROUND US. 

  

I USED THINK THAT THE MAJORITY OF COUPLES OR SPOUSES WHO FOUGHT PHYSICALLY DURING ARGUMENTS OR DISAGREEMENTS WERE THOSE WHO GENERALLY LACKED SOME FORM OF EDUCATION OR WERE INSECURE ABOUT THEIR SPOUSES SUCCEEDING IN THEIR CHOSEN CAREERS.   

  

LATER IN LIFE, I HAVE DISCARDED THIS MISCONCEPTION BECAUSE, I HEARD THAT COUPLES ALSO WHO ARE EDUCATED AND SUCCESSFUL ALSO ENGAGED IN SCREAMING MATCHES AND FIGHTING MATCHES WITH THEIR SPOUSES. 

  

ONE CAN ONLY BE NON-JUDGEMENTAL AND GIVE SUPPORT AND OPINIONS TO THOSE IN TROUBLE WITH THEIR RELATIONSHIPS TO BE OPEN-MINDED ABOUT THEIR CHOICES. 

  

THAT THERE ARE LOTS OF CHOICES TO CHOOSE FROM.  IF YOU FAIL ONE, THEN, THERE IS ALWAYS ROOM FOR ANOTHER ALTERNATIVE.   

  

SOMETIMES, PEOPLE ARE TOO COMFORTABLE WITH THEIR OLD HABITS, THAT EVENTUALLY, THEY BECOME LAZY TO FIX THEIR RELATIONSHIPS OR COMMUNICATIONS.  THEY WANT OTHER PEOPLE TO JUST GIVE THEM A QUICK FIX AND TAKE THE PROBLEMS OUT OF THEIR HANDS, WHEN IT JUST DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY IN LIFE.  WE AS INDIVIDUALS ALSO NEED TO CONTRIBUTE TO OUR OWN EFFORTS IN ORDER TO CHANGE OUR LIVES. 

  

WE SHOULD BE ALL VERY GRATEFUL THAT DR.PHIL. IS ALIVE AND WELL TO PROVIDE PEOPLE ALL OVER THE WORLD THE STRATEGIES OR GUIDEGANCE TO GET HELP WITH THEIR RELATIONSHIPS OR COMMUNICATIONS. 

  

  

KINDEST REGARDS, 

  

  

ET 

  

  

Can someone explain to me why children have to go through their parent's fighting? (that's what I've read on the home page)

Expectations.  That's it!  We're all so fragile behind our walls of might.  Or is it, "ignorance is bliss"?  We know so much and are easily persuaded by others.  It's what Bronowski calls, "our marvelous plasticty of mind".  Surely that's helped us survive, to adapt but at a price:  expectations.  Perhaps intellect is useful in a relationship only up to a point beyond which in the absence of some "restraining" force, only hampers it because of unwise expectations due to the very knowledge of such.    

   

Would that help I wonder:  The intellect to know what makes a good relationship, coupled with the wisdom to restrain expectations?  That is, don't expect more from your partner than what they can give.   

   

. . . I've been there too . . .  I ain't perfect neither.   

   

   

   

Kim's excuse for her behavior does dammage to those of us who are genuinly trying to pick up the pieces and build a half way decent life.    

I was abused as a child, sexually, emotionally,  and physically.  I have Post Tramautic Stress disorder as a result.  Nobody has ever allowed me to use my abuse as an excuse for anything, even though I was the one who was on the recieving end.  I was told to grow up, and stop feeling sorry for myself.  Or the best one yet, I enjoy getting abused.    

I do not think Gerald should even think about reconciling with Kim.  He needs to divorce her, and move on.  There are women out there who would appreciate someone who would love them, and not abuse them.  He has had several opportunities to fight back, but from what I saw, he is not that way.  I do not think he should allow himself to be dragged down be someone who is so selfish, and self destructive as Kim is.  Life is too short.    

I really wish the best for him.  I hope he finds piece and happiness.    

As for Kim she needs to grow up, and stop using her abuse as an excuse to abuse others.   

I understand completely what your going through. I can tell you he'll never "get it" and he'll never change. For my ex (of 25years) it was the "blame" factor, nothing could be his fault, the other thing I think is that your spouse is projecting on to you. The things he says about you are really how he feels about himself.  My advice to you .... take one day at a time and develop a quality relationship with your daughter (as her mother, not a friend),  You can only change yourself, so do the best you can and make life good, loving, fun, educational and form a secure and safe environment in your home.  Your daughter will also learn this and hopefully will carry it with her when she has her own family. As far as her dad, I let HIM manage his relationship with his daughters.  I got out of the middle and they learned all about him and made there own decisions on how they felt and how close they wanted to be to him.  It was an awakening for him because he couldn't talk to them the way he treated me. Don't  try to protect her from the person he is, let her experience him and in turn him experience her first hand.  Just be there when she needs you and support whatever decisions she makes, even if you disagree.  

I hope I've given you some ideas and remember, it takes time but you'll be happier.  I promise! 

  

I can very much relate to your fighting styles with your husband and your child listening.  I know that you can get so angry that you lose all prospective, until you hopefully see that child and stop yourself.  The knife incident. 

  

I was usually the more quiet one about 80% or so of the time and he would act an ass and say horrible things, things that I told him in confidence, that my children heard. 

  

We've been married for 19 years.  It had gotten to the point where he was always in my face.  I had a previous marriage where I was battered, so he knows to stay at arms length from me.  So I took my girls and left.  My eldest son stayed, devoted to dad and me, but didn't want him to be alone.  I respected that. 

  

He provided financially for us always, even when we were separated, I did not have to file on him.  He never physically touched me in all our marriage and we have been faithful to each other, I believe him and he believes me. 

  

Our biggest problem was not spending enough alone time with each other.  We always put the children first.  There should be a balance for a healthy marriage. 

  

The separation was good, we made it back to each other because we pray to God and we love our children very much. 

  

We talk to each other much more now and respect each others needs.  We still are working on it, it's a constant thing, but we don't argue at all in front of our children.  We've been through too much. 

  

I found it easier, when we were in a heated argument to "shut up".  Simple.  Just "shut up".  Somebody is going to sound real silly arguing all alone. 

  

It's very easy to be a quitter, but much harder to make it work.  No pain, no gain.   

  

I had to look at myself and realized, I caused a lot of the mess too and aimed to fix it.    

  

Be the bigger person, without gloating about it, and try.  It is possible.  God Bless and Good Luck.  

From what I've read in your many messages, you and your husband do quite well, good for you! 

  

I remember that there is a little birthday girl today. 

  

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO HER!!!!!!! 

 

You and your husband seem like fine people, good role models for some of us. 

  

Keep up the good work! 

What to say, what can be said. We have this vision in our minds of what love is and what it is, to be loved. Regardless of our past relationships or circumstances, we all want to be comforted and look to our significant other to make all of the bad things go away.  I am one the topics of todays show. I've been abused, abandoned, and through it all been conscious of my children's pain.   A child, while cannot articulate his or her feelings, experiences, learns from and later emulates everything the parents do. I often and still do, wonder with dread what will be the consequences of my wife's and I s' behavior. What kind of men will  my son's become?  

          My wife and I shared similar childhoods of abuse. My experience caused me to be come greatly passive to women. Hers greatly aggressive towards men. Through our faults we both love our children. As I would assume any parent would. However pain, alters perception. In the heat of the moment, in the height of our pain there is a natural response to lash out. To hurt because you are hurt. I was the passive in my relationship for many years. There were times however when I was so hurt, so confused and frustrated that I did scream back. Some how, my eyes would always connect with my sons. I could feel the fear , pain , and anger he was experiencing with me. What to do?  Leave? As I eventually did, teaching my children to run from there problems. Stay? As I did, teaching my children to  except some one  hurting them? My wife is a great mother. She works full time, has her own business and takes care of the children. (After school activities, homework, etc.) As Dr. Phil pointed out there was a lot pain her  in heart. It hurts to know that I could not heal that pain. It was often I suggested she seek help, but how do you show some one who loves you their hurt without them hating you for it?  What I took from Dr. Phil is that , in a nut shell I brought this pain and suffering on my self as well as my children. In that retrospect I spend most of my time contemplating the  future. What to do now?  

        I come from poverty. I do what I can to support my children financially. I'm trying to improve my financial status so that I can provide  them all the things and opportunities I did not have. Most importantly I did not have a family.The one thing I cannot provide them. So is my life over? I feel I have failed as a father. I fall to the back up belief that if I can at least achieve financial freedom. I can die with some honor and dignity. Our past dictated our present and the present dictates the future. 

Indeed, I've been there too.....I hope people will read your wise words and "get it".   

  

Here's to our imperfections and the intellect to know what can be good.