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Topic : 08/30 Possessive People

Number of Replies: 426
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Created on : Thursday, April 27, 2006, 07:11:52 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 05/03/06) Claudia describes her mother, Bernice, as an "emotional, psychological vampire, sucking the life blood" out of her. She feels smothered by her mother's controlling, possessive behavior toward her and her two children, and finds herself snapping at her husband and taking it out on her kids. When Claudia and her husband, Thomas, built their new home, Bernice built a house right next door, so she could drop in at any time -- an opportunity she has taken full advantage of. Claudia says Bernice makes her feel like a terrible mother because she won't stop questioning her decisions and undermining her. If the situation doesn't change, Claudia and Thomas say they will move their family to Ireland. Bernice says her grandchildren are her life and if she loses them, she will die. What is behind Bernice's possessiveness? Is this just grandmotherly love, or is she crossing the line? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

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April 30, 2006, 11:55 pm CDT

Possesive Grandma

I had to comment on this situation since I was in the same situation with my children. I didnt go as far as building a house next door but I was always going over to their house and syaing things if the house was not clean enough or I thought my granddaughters wasnt dressed the way I thought they should be. I got a rude wakeup call. In September 2005 My oldeest daughter Michelle married Nick. She became mama to Nicks 3 year old daughter. She is my oldest granddaughter. A few months after that they moved to Alabama where I am originally  from. Then In January 2006 My youngest daughter and her daughter went for a visit to Alabama. My daughter and her exhusband got back together and she stayed in Alabama. She is the mother of my youngest granddaughter who is 21/2 years old. Then in March2006 my son decided to move back to alabama too. I am still in Indiana and now all 3 of my kids their spouses and my grandbaby's are in Alabama. I thought I couldnot live without my childrenand grandaughters close by. But I learned I could. I love my kids but I now have new hobbies like Fishing, sewing, reading, churchacticitys and I also have more time to spend with my boyfriend. He has helped me relize I had to let my kids go. They had to be able to live their own lives. Although I miss my kids and grandaughters I relized I had to love them enough to let them go.
 
May 1, 2006, 6:40 am CDT

Granny, get a life!!

Grandma, you say your grandkids are your life and you cant live without them.  You really need to get yourself a life.  My mother was the same way with my son, and she is the one who lost in the end.  She was so controlling, and always talking down about me to my son, and it got to the point where my son, who used to love being with his granny, will no longer have anything to do with her.  Dont you think you did a good enough job raising your daughter?  I am sure you were a good mom, have faith in that  and know that as good a mom as you were, you also taught your daughter well.
 
May 1, 2006, 9:57 am CDT

To Grandma

One thing I do not like and I will not tolerate are people who are demeaning and comes into my home or business and contradicts my teachings when it comes to my children, they are told right away, that we have rules and boundries for a reason and they are as they are because my husband and I are the parents and we know what is best for our family. Thankfully, I have never had a problem with people trying to take over but beleive me, if they did, it would not be tolerated.........................................Grandma, we don't know what the issues are at this point, but I would suggest that you lay off your daughter and allow her and her husband to arent their children, it is not your job to demean, control and take over, it is your job to be the grandparent of your children, be a support system for your family instead of a nuisnance, you will be better off and a much happier person as well as every one else involved. Have some respect for your family, otherwise, you are gonna find your self alone and that I think would only destroy you...................I have family members who I do not come in a lot of contact with because of their life styles and until they start respecting me and my household, it will continue this way, I would hate to hear that you have disrespected your family to the point that they can no longer tolerate you, that would be a sad thing but tey have every right to do what is best for their children and you being a nuisance is not a good idea, so hopefully you will make the right choice when it comes to your family.
 
May 1, 2006, 5:22 pm CDT

Whatever happened to manners?

Grandma, I feel for u that you can't focus on other things and you are desperate for opportunities to help, but what gives with you thinking you have the right to just walk into somebody's home and into their bathroom?? That's creepy and insanely jealous sounding to anyone, especially since you're doing this to your daughter and her family!! Don't you have any respect or manners for anyone you love? I understand that you feel driven to involve yourself with them, but you should use common sense courtesy!!
 
May 1, 2006, 5:31 pm CDT

What's up with that?

I think this is grandmotherly love but in my view, this is not normal to the mother of the children even if it is normal to the grandmother, this is out of control..... I hope not. There's got to be a reason or a past history event or events that leads to this behavior to the grandmother. Maybe she thought that she wasen't a good parent to their own children when they were young so she would parent their children's children. Now I could see where they would come from if it were that situation but the people that Dr.Phil has on.... I think those grandmothers that are even stalking their own daughter/son, should GET A LIFE.... they are there for a support family to their grand children not their parents... what I like to know is...... what's up with that?
 
May 1, 2006, 11:34 pm CDT

Too much suffocating love can cripple our children

My husband's grandmother was exactly like this woman.  When we first married my father-in-law offered us his house (which his mother had purchased for him and my mother-in-law when they first married) and said that we were welcome to live there for as long as we liked.   What a mistake!  My husbands Granny was constantly involving herself in every aspect of our lives, and my husband still continued to behave as Granny's boy, running to her every time we needed something.  Her  involvement,  coupled with his dependence on her,  left him unable to function as a normal adult responsible for himself and his family.  After five years I had taken all I could stand.  I got a new job and rented a home in another nearby town.  I told him that I had never intended to marry his grandmother, but thought I was marrying him.  I explained that the children and I were moving and that he could join us if he liked, but that he would have to stand on his own two feet and get the "other woman" out of our marriage.  He did, and we will celebrate our 17th anniversary this year.  It was the smartest thing I ever did.    Sadly, his grandmother never did cut the cord with my father-in-law.  He could never sustain a relationship with a woman other than his mother.  She passed away, and he floundered without her constant presence.   Eventually he lost all of his material possesions, began drinking heavily, fell into a deep depression, was imprisoned for multiple DWI's and died the week after he was parolled.  He was a sweet man who had such potential, but his mother had just ruined him.  He had never learned to take care of himself, and was completely dependent  upon her.  This is never how it is supposed to be.  While our children will always be our children, they are not always ours to care for.  Too much interference stifles their growth and ability to function as responsible adults and parents.   

 
May 2, 2006, 8:29 am CDT

05/03 Possessive People

Quote From: nurse4jc

I had to comment on this situation since I was in the same situation with my children. I didnt go as far as building a house next door but I was always going over to their house and syaing things if the house was not clean enough or I thought my granddaughters wasnt dressed the way I thought they should be. I got a rude wakeup call. In September 2005 My oldeest daughter Michelle married Nick. She became mama to Nicks 3 year old daughter. She is my oldest granddaughter. A few months after that they moved to Alabama where I am originally  from. Then In January 2006 My youngest daughter and her daughter went for a visit to Alabama. My daughter and her exhusband got back together and she stayed in Alabama. She is the mother of my youngest granddaughter who is 21/2 years old. Then in March2006 my son decided to move back to alabama too. I am still in Indiana and now all 3 of my kids their spouses and my grandbaby's are in Alabama. I thought I couldnot live without my childrenand grandaughters close by. But I learned I could. I love my kids but I now have new hobbies like Fishing, sewing, reading, churchacticitys and I also have more time to spend with my boyfriend. He has helped me relize I had to let my kids go. They had to be able to live their own lives. Although I miss my kids and grandaughters I relized I had to love them enough to let them go.

Isn't it nice that youf children and grandchildren can now come to you. I am 50 yers old and I still need my mother.   Sometimes, I go to see her.  Sometimes she comes to see me.   I am unemployed now, so I see my mother 2-3 times per week.    (She lives 1 mile away).  She doesn't force herself on me.  I don't force myself on her.   (Lesser visits when I am in the work world).   

My son is 30 years old.  I see him a couple times a week.  He comes to me; I go to him.     

It is a matter of not forcing yourself (your habits, your housekeeping, your financial attitudes, your religion) on your parents or children.     

 
May 3, 2006, 4:11 am CDT

Stressed out

I know how the daughter feels about her mother.I am in the same situation.My mother just told me that i owe her no my mother and She will cut me out or her , to stay with her when i visit her in august.If I don't stay with she said she is going to cut me out of her will and never speak to me again.I just can't to seem to get up the courage to tell her how I feel with out her putting a guilt trip on me.The last 2 visits I was there with my husband for funnerals.I was only there for 5 days and I did see her twice for a short time. Anyone have ane advice  

Rogue 

 
May 3, 2006, 4:25 am CDT

wow

      Does anyone think this Grandma ever really got the point?  She seems so desparate, like she can't even breathe by herself.  It looks like that desparate grabbing a drowning person does to the rescuer, where the rescuer has to knock them off or drown themselves.  Whew.
 
May 3, 2006, 5:53 am CDT

the only person you can control is yourself

I had to comment on this show.  I went through a similar situation with my aunt.  She thought (and did) control every move and decision I made.  She had completly taken away all of my self esteem leading me to believe that I couldn't make a proper decision on my own and all I could do is whatever she said.  Then I met my husband who made me realize that I am worth so much more.  We married and had a child.  We moved 5 states away from my aunt and completly stopped talking to her.  You have to get to the point where you say "no body can make me feel like this."  If not for you then for your children.
 
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