Topic : 08/30 Possessive People

Dear Claudia, 

It sounds like you never got around to being upfront with your mother about this issue.  You have allowed the issue to escalate to the degree that it has got to, because you were not honest about it from the beginning.   

• NOTHING LIKE A GOOD MOTHER TO DAUGHTER SITTING DOWN TOGETHER AND TALKING THINGS OUT TO GIVE HER AN ULTIMATUM AND TELL HER STRAIGHT THAT IF SHE DIDN'T BACK OFF, YOU AND THOMAS ARE PACKING UP AND GOING BACK TO IRELAND, AND SHE CAN STAY BEHIND AND BE LEFT  WITH THE CHOICE OF NO MORE CONTACTS WITH THE GRANDKIDS;
• MOTHERS ARE ALWAYS GOING TO BE IN OUR LIVES WHETHER WE LIKE OR NOT;
• YOU DO HAVE THE OPTION OF PUTTING A RESTRAINING ORDER ON YOUR MOTHER IF THATS HOW SERIOUS YOUR PROBLEM IS AND HOW FAR YOU WANT TO DRAG THIS ISSUE TO;
• IT IS THAT SIMPLE.  SOMETIMES, MOTHERS HAVE TO BE SHOWN HOW SERIOUS YOU REALLY ARE ABOUT.  THEY CAN'T READ YOUR MIND.  IT DOESN'T HELP IF YOU TAKE IT OUT ON THE HUSBAND AND KIDS AND IGNORE THE FACT THAT MUM IS THE REAL ISSUE.  SET CONSEQUENCES OR BOUNDARIES, IF YOU WANT TO BE THE BOSS IN YOUR FAMILY.  THERE IS ALWAYS A TENDER LOVING APPROACH TO COMPROMISE WITH MUM ABOUT THIS ISSUE;
• YOU WEIGH UP THE ODDS AND YOU MAKE THAT LAST CALL.  THAT WAY MUM CAN SEE THAT HER DAUGHTER HAS FINALLY GROWN UP AND BECOME THE RESPONSIBLE DAUGHTER THAT SHE ALWAYS WANTED TO RAISE;
• IF I WERE YOU, I WOULD EITHER BE GRATEFUL I HAVE A MUM WHO IS STILL ALIVE AND AROUND TO WATCH OVER ME AND MY KIDS OR DO THE OPPOSITE;
• I'LL AGREE THAT YOU FEEL SMOTHERED BY YOUR MOTHER'S POSSESSIVENESS, BUT, ITS YOU THAT ALSO NEEDS TO CHANGE YOUR WAY OF ANALYSING YOUR MOTHER'S BEHAVIOUR TOWARDS YOUR CHILDREN;
• YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORK YOURSELF UP ABOUT EVERYTHING YOUR MOTHER QUESTIONS ABOUT YOUR DECISIONS OR CHOICES YOU MAKE.  YOU CAN ALWAYS JOKE OR LAUGH AT HER COMMENTS AND BE LIGHTHEARTED ABOUT IT;
• I'M SURE THAT ONCE IN A WHILE YOU DO NEED MUM AROUND TO TENDER TO YOUR CHILDREN;
• THE SITUATION DOESN'T HELP EITHER WHEN MUM BUILTS HER HOUSE NEXT DOOR;
• BUT, OBVIOUSLY, YOU WERE BOTH AWARE FROM THE BEGINNING THAT MUM WAS GOING TO LIVE NEXT TO YOU BOTH ANYWAY;
• MY HONEST OPINION, THERE ARE MANY SOLUTIONS TO RESOLVE THIS ISSUE RATHER THAN GOING BACK TO IRELAND ALL THAT WAY FOR NOTHING.  SOME OF THOSE SUGGESTIONS I HAVE NOTED IN THE ABOVE.  I WOULDN'T LET MY MOTHER BE THE REASON FOR YOU AND YOUR KIDS AND HUSBAND TO MOVE BACK TO IRELAND.  THAT WOULD SOUND SILLY TO EVERYONE BACK IN IRELAND TO FIND OUT THAT YOU CAME BACK HOME, BECAUSE YOU HAD TO GET AWAY FROM MUM. 
• I THINK YOU WOULD BE TRIVIALISING THIS ISSUE IF YOU AND YOUR FAMILY WENT BACK TO IRELAND SO YOU GET AWAY FROM MUM'S POSSESSIVENESS, WHEN, THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS YOU ARE RUNNING FROM YOURSELF AND SOMETHING ELSE.
• I PLEAD YOU PLEASE DO NOT RUN FROM MUM, BECAUSE YOU WILL REGRET IT AND YOUR CHILDREN WILL NEVER GET THE BLESSINGS THAT THEY DESERVE FROM MUM;
• ITS BLESSINGS THAT ARE UNSEEN.  DON'T BE A FOOL BE SMART AND BE HONEST AND KEEP ON LOVING;

This is all I have to add to this discussion.  Peace Out. 

ET 

Bernice, you are missing soooooo much, and you don't know it.    

I have 4 wonderful adult children.  3girls and 1boy.    

My middle daughter, had a difficult time during adolescence.  She made some choices that didn't turn out the way she wanted and I was always there to pick up the pieces.  (That is my job, and always will be.)  During some tough times in her life my husband and I took it upon ourselves to raise our granddaughter.  Mom was very thankful and accepted it.  I really don't think she had much of a choice, now that I look back.  I was very controlling and had a daughter that felt she needed to make up for the past.(addelescence).  This worked for me.  I had my granddaughter anytime I wanted and that was most of the time.  Then she blessed us with twins, 5 yrs later.  Still looking for the right person in all the wrong places.  Soooo I got to relive my life as a mom again.  Only this time it didn't last.  She married the father of the twins when they were 18mo.  I thought my life as a grandma had ended.  Guess what.........That's when my life as a individual began.  It wasn't always easy.  I put my two cents in every chance I got, when it came to raising those three children......especially the oldest.  My daughter loving me as she did, and feeling guilty of the past, let me voice my opinion (and following every word).  Oh the power I had.  Oh how stupid I was.  

Ya see, Bernice, as long as you make the decisions in their lives.  You take the responsibility of the results.  I woke up one morning and realized I had been there and did that.  and it wasn't always fun.  My daughter called to sound off about something and I told her I wasn't going to be the sounding board any more.  That's what best friends are for.  I'm mom and anytime any of my children are hurting my claws come out.  Guess what,  that's not my job anymore.    

I now have almost 7 grandchildren, and my son hasn't started yet.  I am soooo Blessed and so free to do the things i alway wanted to try.    

My youngest daughter told me it was time to "GET A LIFE".  It's not easy all the time to stay out of your children's lives where you don't belong.  But it's getting easier.  And now I'm really enjoying my  individuality.  I see the grandchildren anytime I want.  Guess what I don't always want to see them.  There are times when I actually say "NO" to babysitting.  And I don't always have something else to do.  

This summer I'm going to build a rock garden, and patio.  I might take me 10yrs but I know I'm going to get started.  I alway wanted to learn how to split rocks.  

Everyone was laughing at the comments that the grandmother made on the show. Some of the comments sounded absurd. I had a mother-in-law that would say the exact same things. She was born and raised in another country and she, too, never understood the severity or complexity of certain situations.  She just didn't "get it". It's very obvious that this grandmother doesn't understand what she has been doing wrong. My mother-in-law passed away a few years ago, and after having spent many more years with her sisters and extended family I have come to the conclusion that some of the lack of understanding lies within the differences in culture with which she was raised. I am surprised that the daughter doesn't realize this. Moving to Ireland isn't the answer, I think she will regret it.  One other message to the daughter...life is short. Just last summer I was also saying the same thing about my own mother concerning her happiness. She was single and lonely, and depended way too much on me. I did not want to be responsible for her social happiness either. What I did not realize was that she would only live a few more months. What I wouldn't give to have her back and be thrilled at having the responsibility once more. The daughter has to just stand up to her. The grandmother will not be able to change because she does not fully inderstand what she is doing wrong. Change those locks!   

I know EXACTLY the situation you are in .  

We are kindred spirits. 

That could be me and my own mother up there . 

This is a good step for you all . Stand tall and be strong , sister. 

I no longer speak to my mother now because of the same situation , she refused to see there was any problem and went so far as to get my sister involved , trying to prove that I needed psychological help . Now that i am apart from them , i am more well adjusted than i have been my entire life. I still am going for counseling because of all the damage that was done over the years. 

To Bernice, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE try to see the light. Do not be like my mother . Sometimes i miss my mother but i realise that i dont need her toxic behavior, and as long as she lives in denial , i will not have contact with her. 

Claudia , please go get help , it will save you . You cant change your mother , but you CAN change how you react to her. 

I am a mother of an adult daughter too, so I speak to you from the heart.  My daughter lives near me and has a daughter.  we love each other, all three of us, but we had to make some adjustments to make it work.  First, it was important that I see my daughter as an adult, and as a skilled mother in her own right.  In fact, she is a better mother than me.  As long as I think of myself only as an ally, a support to her mothering, and an advisor when she invites me to render an opinion, she knows that I respect her and will not intrude on her mothering. We do a lot together, but it is always at her discretion, and I usually let her initiate the invitations. Of course, I was doubtful at the begining, when she had not had the chance to show me what a good mother she is, but after seeing her caring for my granddaughter, I actually saw that she was more skilled than me.  I am sure that you can do this with your daughter too, but you need to start by letting her know that you respect her enough to listen to her and accept the limits she puts on you.  

I also want to speak to something else Dr. Phil said to you.  He said you need to make a cover for the Goodyear blimp.  It sounded ridiculous, but under it was a very serious message. You need to invest yourself in other things so that yu will get satisfaction from them and not burden your daughter's family as much as you have.  I have some ideas for you, and here I am going on my personal experiences again.  I also endured an abusive husband.  I know trouble and sorrow, and how they become woven into your worldview, how you can become driven to be sure your children and grandchildren do not encounter the same sorrows.  But that is like giving them a loaded gun. That is a part of your life needs to be handled with great care. Do you REALLY want them to develop into scared and mistrustful people like you have become?  I don't think so.  I think you love them more than that.    

So how can you deal with those hurtful memories, acknowledge what they have done to your character, and evolve an understanding of your life as it is now, which appears much better. It seems to me you can't embrace the joys of your life as it is now until you have somehow handled the hurts of the past.  But while you process those things, I think you need to be careful how much you share with your daughter and her family.  

This is my idea, and I assure you I have used these ideas myself, extensively. You have photos of yourself as a young mother.  You have memories of how it was when you were with your husband.  You probably have all kins of memories, happy, sad, scary, angry.  You could take up scrapbooking, which is a very healthy way of processing emotions.  You can write the stories you want to write and attach them to the pictures in your layout.  If a story is too painful, and you don't want everybody to be able to see it, you can write it in a journal that you hide between the scrapbook pages.  If it is hard for you to do so much painful work, you can do another scrapbook at the same time, something that focuses on your family as it now is, like birthday parties, first day of school, holidays, vacations.  If you do it like this, with 2 building at a time, you will come to know how much better your life has become and how happy you are for your daughter and her family. Besides, you will be showing your family another reason to love you, as the creator of those beautiful scrapbooks.    

Scrapbooking can be expensive, but it does not have to be.  If you want to discuss with me how you can start scrapbooking, I would be happy to communicate with you via email.                

Bernice can put her hobbies to good use by crocheting or sewing newborn hats for the local hospitals.  Some women even donate blankets that are made & all the materials are tax detuctible.  Making costumes for school plays.  Gardening clubs, etc.  I think that would be a good way of keeping herself busy until she is invited over to visit her grandkids & having fun at the same time.   

Control freaks like this grandmother have serious emotional wounds fueling their drive to control. 

Grandma needs intensive counseling for her past traumas.  When she is mentally healthy and healed she will no longer feel the need to control everyone in her life.  Someone find this lady a therapist please.