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Topic : 08/30 Possessive People

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Created on : Thursday, April 27, 2006, 07:11:52 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 05/03/06) Claudia describes her mother, Bernice, as an "emotional, psychological vampire, sucking the life blood" out of her. She feels smothered by her mother's controlling, possessive behavior toward her and her two children, and finds herself snapping at her husband and taking it out on her kids. When Claudia and her husband, Thomas, built their new home, Bernice built a house right next door, so she could drop in at any time -- an opportunity she has taken full advantage of. Claudia says Bernice makes her feel like a terrible mother because she won't stop questioning her decisions and undermining her. If the situation doesn't change, Claudia and Thomas say they will move their family to Ireland. Bernice says her grandchildren are her life and if she loses them, she will die. What is behind Bernice's possessiveness? Is this just grandmotherly love, or is she crossing the line? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

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milojenna
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May 3, 2006, 8:33 am PDT

28 years and still going

This is not a Grandmother, Mother, Father as I've lost them all to death starting at 40 years ago with my Father.  You see, my brother has been emotionally disabled from birth and he is not 60 years old.  I will be 59 in July.  My parents did all they could in the late 50's to find help for him even going to Duke University and so many doctors.  The only school that would accept him at that time, was located in PA and was $700 per month.  Who made any money like that in 1955??  The doctors told my Mom to put him away, but she chose to keep him at home.  The schools did not want him after he entered the 5th grade as there was not place for the "not normal" kids in that era.  My Dad did not help and had emotional/alcoholic problems, but he was a successful owner of a contracting business.  My Mom did have a nervous breakdown when my brother and I were little..maybe around 5 or 6.  She told me one day that she would have cut her wrists, but that my brother came in and it stopped her.  She was a strong Christian lady, but with no help in those years, it was overwhelming.  To make a long story short, everyone died and then my Mom died of 2 different cancers.  It just about killed me to see her suffer for many years and to think she was cured of one cancer just to have another come a year later.  I had a young marraige (9/11/76) later a newborn and then my brother came to live with us.  I won't share ALL the details, but I've had his care and emotional responsibility for over 28 YEARS!  He does live on his own a few miles from our house, but I'm his doctor of everything emotional.  When my Mom died, he transferred part of his dependence on me as Mom/Sister.  When I'm not with him physically, I have to be available by phone within 5 minutes or so OR he panics and starts phoning again and again and calls a few people he knows.  I may only be in the yard and forget to "carry" the cordless or cell phone.  I never go out of the house on an errand without him.  You see, he needs to get out also as he has no one else to take him to grocery, doctors, stores, etc.  My husband works and is unable to assist.  We've been to all types of Mental Health Agencies and there was one lady that helped him, but she is in private practice and he can't afford it and Medicare/Medicaid does not pay for the private doctors.  I hope we either die together or he dies before me as I hate to think of the consequences if I die first.  They said at Duke that he had a minimal amount of congential brain damage.  He's got the best memory and is smart, but has a reading/math disability, so he can't read.  People always tell me they don't know how I've done this, but you have to take it ONE day at a time and with God's help.  However, sometimes I don't know if I will make it.  :)
 
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philkat
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May 3, 2006, 8:46 am PDT

Bernice....

I think Bernice is a good person with misguided intentions.  I'm hoping that she will find some inner strength to not take this need for her daughter to live her own life as a reason to wallow in self pity.  I believe with all my heart that Bernice would be SO helpful to woman and children who have lived with abuse and are trying to start anew.  She is a self professed crochet-queen...what about crocheting beautiful blankets for families who have had to flee from their homes with nothing? They would love the personal touch and she could help woman with whom she can truly connect.  Maybe baby throws?  This would be an enormous help for everyone involved.  Think of all the time she could fill?  I think Bernice is a woman who needs to feel like she is helping....giving the help and protection that she wished she had been given when she was in so much pain and in need.    So, what better way for her to fill the huge hole that her husband has created within her than to help a woman or child in need that maybe has no one to turn to?  She mentioned that she doesn't know how to move on from her 20 years of abuse...the silver lining in her daughter's declaration of a need to distance herself from her..... may be that now is a wonderful time for her to start on her own journey where she can feel like she has control of her own life...a positive future. 
 
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time2heal2
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May 3, 2006, 8:47 am PDT

05/03 Possessive People

Quote From: changaleer

      Does anyone think this Grandma ever really got the point?  She seems so desparate, like she can't even breathe by herself.  It looks like that desparate grabbing a drowning person does to the rescuer, where the rescuer has to knock them off or drown themselves.  Whew.

as i was watching the show, i kept thinking to myself, this woman doesnt really hear whats being said or she just doesn't care. then as dr. phil was speaking and telling her that she needs to stop going over whenever she felt like it, and stop using the dying method, well she had that look on her face as though she was saying to herself..... i cant let go, she doesnt know whats good for her. well the look on her face said it all when she kinda liked rolled her eyes, and nodded the head. if you ask me, she will never change, because she probably thinks that once the were away from dr. phil, her daughter was then under her control again. people like that dont change because its gone on too long. i hope and wish all the best to the family, but if she didnt change in a few days to a week, i would be moving..... FAR AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!! 
 
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idunowhy
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May 3, 2006, 9:16 am PDT

You sound very much like family member of mine

Quote From: milojenna

This is not a Grandmother, Mother, Father as I've lost them all to death starting at 40 years ago with my Father.  You see, my brother has been emotionally disabled from birth and he is not 60 years old.  I will be 59 in July.  My parents did all they could in the late 50's to find help for him even going to Duke University and so many doctors.  The only school that would accept him at that time, was located in PA and was $700 per month.  Who made any money like that in 1955??  The doctors told my Mom to put him away, but she chose to keep him at home.  The schools did not want him after he entered the 5th grade as there was not place for the "not normal" kids in that era.  My Dad did not help and had emotional/alcoholic problems, but he was a successful owner of a contracting business.  My Mom did have a nervous breakdown when my brother and I were little..maybe around 5 or 6.  She told me one day that she would have cut her wrists, but that my brother came in and it stopped her.  She was a strong Christian lady, but with no help in those years, it was overwhelming.  To make a long story short, everyone died and then my Mom died of 2 different cancers.  It just about killed me to see her suffer for many years and to think she was cured of one cancer just to have another come a year later.  I had a young marraige (9/11/76) later a newborn and then my brother came to live with us.  I won't share ALL the details, but I've had his care and emotional responsibility for over 28 YEARS!  He does live on his own a few miles from our house, but I'm his doctor of everything emotional.  When my Mom died, he transferred part of his dependence on me as Mom/Sister.  When I'm not with him physically, I have to be available by phone within 5 minutes or so OR he panics and starts phoning again and again and calls a few people he knows.  I may only be in the yard and forget to "carry" the cordless or cell phone.  I never go out of the house on an errand without him.  You see, he needs to get out also as he has no one else to take him to grocery, doctors, stores, etc.  My husband works and is unable to assist.  We've been to all types of Mental Health Agencies and there was one lady that helped him, but she is in private practice and he can't afford it and Medicare/Medicaid does not pay for the private doctors.  I hope we either die together or he dies before me as I hate to think of the consequences if I die first.  They said at Duke that he had a minimal amount of congential brain damage.  He's got the best memory and is smart, but has a reading/math disability, so he can't read.  People always tell me they don't know how I've done this, but you have to take it ONE day at a time and with God's help.  However, sometimes I don't know if I will make it.  :)

He is about the same age as your brother. His sister has taken care of him his whole life. They finaly last year figured out he had Asperges. He could tell you quote for quote the whole civial war. I'm sad to say that my daughter will be put in your same spot. My son has Autism/Aspergers.   

   

Stay strong, God bless people like you.  
 
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buickfan
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May 3, 2006, 9:16 am PDT

Abuser Program Anyone?

 I have no idea how old Claudia & Bernice are but I need to make 1 thing perfectly clear.  It seems as though Claudia has done some research on controlling and abusive, yes abusive people.  There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong with a parent wanting to protect their offspring from harm even when they become adults, however, as someone who was and still continues to be emotionally abused as an adult, I firmly believe that Bernice needs to get herself into a top-quality abuser program that will hold her feet to the fire to change.  I would like to also warn Claudia that if her mother is controlling and micro-managing those darling children's lives directly, then she needs to prepare for the future, when they become adults themselves.  If Bernice does not clean up her act while those children are still young she might just be faced with a situation in which her grandchildren not only wind up with chips on their shoulders but also spend countless hours reading books on abusive people and looking at abuse sites on the computer because they will be desperate to find out what Grandma's real motives are for her behavior.  Also, be prepare for a dramatic change in their behavior once they do find out because they may just take on the same attiude that I have adopted, argumentative and unwilling to take Bernice's advice ON ANYTHING because they will have her behavior was not to keep them safe or to look out for their welfare but, rather to satisfy her own sick right to control everything.
 
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idunowhy
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May 3, 2006, 9:21 am PDT

You sound very much like family member of mine

Quote From: milojenna

This is not a Grandmother, Mother, Father as I've lost them all to death starting at 40 years ago with my Father.  You see, my brother has been emotionally disabled from birth and he is not 60 years old.  I will be 59 in July.  My parents did all they could in the late 50's to find help for him even going to Duke University and so many doctors.  The only school that would accept him at that time, was located in PA and was $700 per month.  Who made any money like that in 1955??  The doctors told my Mom to put him away, but she chose to keep him at home.  The schools did not want him after he entered the 5th grade as there was not place for the "not normal" kids in that era.  My Dad did not help and had emotional/alcoholic problems, but he was a successful owner of a contracting business.  My Mom did have a nervous breakdown when my brother and I were little..maybe around 5 or 6.  She told me one day that she would have cut her wrists, but that my brother came in and it stopped her.  She was a strong Christian lady, but with no help in those years, it was overwhelming.  To make a long story short, everyone died and then my Mom died of 2 different cancers.  It just about killed me to see her suffer for many years and to think she was cured of one cancer just to have another come a year later.  I had a young marraige (9/11/76) later a newborn and then my brother came to live with us.  I won't share ALL the details, but I've had his care and emotional responsibility for over 28 YEARS!  He does live on his own a few miles from our house, but I'm his doctor of everything emotional.  When my Mom died, he transferred part of his dependence on me as Mom/Sister.  When I'm not with him physically, I have to be available by phone within 5 minutes or so OR he panics and starts phoning again and again and calls a few people he knows.  I may only be in the yard and forget to "carry" the cordless or cell phone.  I never go out of the house on an errand without him.  You see, he needs to get out also as he has no one else to take him to grocery, doctors, stores, etc.  My husband works and is unable to assist.  We've been to all types of Mental Health Agencies and there was one lady that helped him, but she is in private practice and he can't afford it and Medicare/Medicaid does not pay for the private doctors.  I hope we either die together or he dies before me as I hate to think of the consequences if I die first.  They said at Duke that he had a minimal amount of congential brain damage.  He's got the best memory and is smart, but has a reading/math disability, so he can't read.  People always tell me they don't know how I've done this, but you have to take it ONE day at a time and with God's help.  However, sometimes I don't know if I will make it.  :)

He is about the same age as your brother. His sister has taken care of him his whole life. They finaly last year figured out he had Asperges. He could tell you quote for quote the whole civial war. I'm sad to say that my daughter will be put in your same spot. My son has Autism/Aspergers.   

   

Stay strong, God bless people like you.  
 
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redjoker42
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May 3, 2006, 9:27 am PDT

Tired of "Vampire"

  

Having a " controlling, boorish, possessive, insensitive " mother is something too many have to deal with. 

Can they help themselves? Is it genetic? Is it psychological? Maybe both? 

  

My own mother, of 47 years, has; 

  

been vacated by 2 husbands, 

been rejected by her sister, 

has 2 sons that will not speak to her (one for over 20 years), 

three grand-daughters that have so little to do with her, 

and me...her youngest son that finds it almost unbearable to be around her. 

  

I have the feeling, she has many emotional problems (exaggerated when she drinks her wine, usually daily, and in a quantity no less than 24 to 40 ounces), and she becomes extremely abusive / controlling, that no one can bear to be near her. 

  

I have no explanation, just wonderment for how she is like she is............... 

  

Anyone have any ideas? 

  

RJ, New Mexico 
 
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judyblue22

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May 3, 2006, 9:34 am PDT

05/03 Possessive People

Quote From: supergirl

 I was thinking exactly the same thing as soon as Bernice spoke and revealed her accent. I was one of those people that was laughing because she sounds just like my mother. Bernice does not understand what Dr. Phil is saying because she doesn't "get it". I can't speak for other countries but my mother who is Hungarian is just as pushy and controlling as Bernice. There is a unwritten rule that you must always respect your mother and listen to her because she always knows better.  Privacy is nothing more than an abstract concept.

LOL-my family is Greek and I understood this so well, too. I was kind of sickly when I was having my first baby, so my mother announced that she was going to stay with us for the first 3 months to help me with the baby.  I was feeling pretty insecure about my ability to parent a baby anyway, since it was my first and I knew my mom would be bossy.   

  

I was not well and I just couldn't stand up to her so my husband did it for me.  He phoned her and told her that he and I both had taken time off from our work and we wanted to be alone with our baby.  He never even told me what happened in the conversation so I never felt guilt.  My mother never mentioned it again. She was invited for lots of visits and has helped out too, but she has never taken over.  I love that man of mine! 
 
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momies
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May 3, 2006, 10:02 am PDT

my mother is the same way

Quote From: time2heal2

as i was watching the show, i kept thinking to myself, this woman doesnt really hear whats being said or she just doesn't care. then as dr. phil was speaking and telling her that she needs to stop going over whenever she felt like it, and stop using the dying method, well she had that look on her face as though she was saying to herself..... i cant let go, she doesnt know whats good for her. well the look on her face said it all when she kinda liked rolled her eyes, and nodded the head. if you ask me, she will never change, because she probably thinks that once the were away from dr. phil, her daughter was then under her control again. people like that dont change because its gone on too long. i hope and wish all the best to the family, but if she didnt change in a few days to a week, i would be moving..... FAR AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!! 

hi   

  I have the same problem with my mother.She is controllling and it drives me CRAZY.She does not get along with my husband and just last week she called my husband screaming at him baecause he mentioned to my father when he was here that my daughter was on her cell phone to much and it was driving me CRAZY because i would tell her to get off it 10 times every 10 minutes.See my mother went and got her the cell phone when I told my mother not to and she threw it in my face and said she is my grandaughter I can do what I want for her auggggggg then she does the same thing (my mother) she says you are not my daughter if you dont do this for me or that then she is all nice the next day it reeks havock on my marriage.and to top it off  (GREAT) MY MOTHERINLAW IS JUST AS CONTROLLING I CANT BELIEVE WHAT I HAVE TO LIVE WITH AND SHE LIVES 30 SECONDS FROM ME( HER CHOICE) MY HEAD HURTS  SO I TRY NOT TO TALK TO ANY   

OF THEM AND THAT MAKES THEM MADDER   sorry for the capital letters  
 
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dogloverx2
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May 3, 2006, 10:07 am PDT

Get a hobby

I think grandma needs to get a hobby, maybe one that can make her feel close to her grandchildren. I think scrapbooking would be perfect for her, she could spend time talking about them, and saving memories of times together. Telling stories that her grandchildren and their childeren will be able to enjoy. If grandma isn't into the scrapping idea she could always join a club or volunteer, there are lots of good organizations with good causes she could join.
 
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