Topic : 08/30 Possessive People

I'm in Australia, and I've just seen this episode today.  I really wish I had taped it, so I can show it to my mother.  My mother is not quite as controling as Benice, but she is still very controlling and manipulative.  She always tells me what to do, how to do my hair, what to wear, and how to raise my children.  She sneaks comments in about my weight all the time and advises me to wear long skirts "because I'm carrying a bit extra weight.  Everytime I wear my hair up, she comments that I look so much better with my hair down, because of my found face.  She justifies all her controlling as "caring" and "love".

One thing she can do expertly is to switch from a perpertrator to a victim in one second flat!  She will criticise me, and if I react, she will burst into tears, and say how horrible I am and how I think I'm perfect and I should realise that everyone can do with a little help!  I believe that if I really let her have it as far as my feelings go, she could huff and puff herself into a heart-attack, and blame me! 

She really has the gift of the gab, and I don't and I feel so helpless against her.  No matter what she says, she comes up smelling like a rose, and I come up looking like schmuck!  She's helped me alot in life, and uses this to her advantage. 

Another complication is that she is a tidyness freak and I'm messy.  She actually bursts into tears if she walks into our house, and it's messy.  She uses guilt, saying how my poor daughter can't have friends over, like I used to, (not true!).  In the past she's really become venomous, saying things like "where's your friends, you don't have any", "no man will ever love you unless you get your act together", "you'll break up your marriage if you don't get your act together".  I personally think I've gone the opposite, sub-consciensly out of rebellion.

I don't feel there is much I can do about it, because she will become hysterical.  I have gone out of my way to be completely different with my children.  My daughter is 11, and give her quite a bit of freedom, and don't push her too much to clean up her room (and it's a bomb site!). 

Just felt like to needed to vent.

It would have been better if Claudia would have taken her  mom to a senior center in town, introduced her to some ladies and gentlemen and showed her how she could then spend 

some of her time with her new friends.  There are many activities to do in Senior Centers, 

and most are located close by in most cities.  She could learn new and interesting things 

while at the same time, meeting new people, making new friends and enjoying time away 

from her daughter's family.  Then, she will be happier, feel better about herself, and her 

daughter will appreciate some time alone with her family without feeling guilty.  Get mom 

involved into some adult activities, like my mom who is 74 this year, and lives with an a- 

busive husband, and she finally got the nerve to go out with her friends, for long walks 

every Wednesday morning, rain or shine, then out to lunch. They walk all the parks in this 

city, and then sometimes take in some shopping afterwards.  Thus, she enjoys their com- 

pany, and does things of interest to people her age.  They also have discussions about 

things that interest  them and then she is ready to watch a grandkid, or whatever. But since 

she has been doing this for the past 4 years, since retiring, she is happier, has more energy 

and more pleasant to be around, since she isn't complaining about her husband, or her  

problems.  Because she now has so much to do to keep her busy with her friends.... 

the point is.....she needs things to keep herself busy and the daughter may have to take the 

initiative to do this....because she trusts her daughter and relies on her so much, Claudia 

needs to   step   up.   Then and only then, will Claudia get her space away from mom. 

 It is clear what is wrong with Bernice. She has a personaity disorder called destructive narcissism, and it is incurable. For some reason, Dr. Phil never wants to call a spade a spade, and educate his audience about people like her. 1 in 25 has it, so you already know a few. In a nutshell (literally), these people were born without a conscience or never developed one in the first year of life. They are unable to feel true love, compassion, empathy, remorse, humbleness, and a few other feelings. They are selfish and manipulative, and think they can do no wrong. They will not go to counseling for more than one session because they don't feel there is anything wrong with them. Their purpose in life is to see who they can use, control, and manipulate to get what they want for themselves. They are shallow and nothing is ever their fault. There are only 2 types of people they enjoy being aound. They are other narcissists, and emotionally weak people they can manipulate. 

    I know all about it because my mom is one too. I had spent 10 years in therapy, and the last 3 studying this disorder. The reason that it is no more well known is two fold. Most people in the media are narcissists, and they don't think there is anything wrong with their behavior. Also, it is very painful and difficult to cope with the fact that this person never loved you, and never will, they only wanted to possess you. It is easier to just keep hoping that they will change, or to sweep it all under the rug.  

  This whole story with Bernice really had nothing to do with her controlling the kids. If her daughter didn't have children, then the focus, control and maniplation would be on something else. The best thing that family can do is to move to Ireland and enjoy the rest of their lives without her around.