Topic : 08/30 Possessive People

I have much empathy for Claudia.   My family had almost the same problem with my  mother.  First, my mother was an after work and holiday drinker.  She felt that we did not have sense enough to take care of our children and would try to tell us how they should, in her sight, be raised.  My father died when I was 12 and an only chid, so I supposed it was natural for her to cling to us.  One year at Christmas I was recovering from surgery and we had Christmas at our house, as usual.  She proceeded to get staggering drunk and had the children upset as well as me.  I didn't have the "guts" to tell her to back off, but my husband did.  We ultimately took her to a hotel and didn't hear from her for several weeks.  Happily enough that was the last time we had to deal with her exceptional mis-behavior.  Claudia, take your life back.  You will never regret having done so.

quick story.  there was once a lady who found a cocoon.  she brought the cocoon home on the stick it was attached to and after a few days she noticed the cocoon was starting to crack.  she paid very close attention to it and watched the creature inside struggle for HOURS to free itself from the cocoon.  finally unable to stand watching the struggle of the thing, she got a pair of scissors and very very carefully cut the rest of the cocoon off of the butterfly.  she was heartborken to see that where other butterflies have beautiful wings to carry them around for the rest of their lives, this poor butterfly had shrivelled, dwarfed wings.  the butterfly eventually died, never having even taken flight.   

  

a couple of years later the lady was reading about butterflies and happened to notice a passage in the book..  the passage explained just how neccessary it was for the butterfly to extract it'self from the cocoon... for that very tight squeeze and fight is what forces all of the excess fluid from the body of the butterfly, into it's wings.. strengthening them, expanding them.. and allowing them to grow and fly and be butterflies.  

What a grandmother...I was watching the show today and through the screen this grandmother scared me she reminded me so much of my mother....yes I agree that the grandmother needs to back off and let her daughter grow up. some mothers never learn how to cut the apron strings but to useemotional backmail. is so wrong ..she does need to let her daughter be give her her space ..and if need be let the family make some mistake because we all know that if we dont make them we cant learn from them.....however saying that haveing perants that abused me I would have loved to have a grandmother like this then maybe the abuse might not have happend igf my grandmother was calling in all  hours of the day and night......but she needs to let her daughter be a wife and mum...saying this however her daughter needs to remain strong and tell her mother how she is thinking and feeling in a way that her mother willunderstand ...take that key away from her if they have to. and the husband as the man of the house also needs to set some ground rules ..not say this is tearing me a part  but its between you and your mum and its getting to me sort it out i am not getting involved because this show the mother that hubby will not do anything and puts all the responsiblyt  on to his wife. a marriages is 50/50  that means in everything and i think the hubby should be up there  on that stage  with them ....but running away will not sovle anything eiather it will just make things worse

Ah, this would be my mother if I had not made the decision to leave and get as far away as I could when I turned 18. My mother has always wanted to control every action my sister and I took when we were young. My sister stayed in town and is now rueing the day. Mom is into every aspect of her life.  

  

All, I can say to Claudia is, get away. Change the locks to the house, I bet she has made copies of the key you gave her. If your mom is an alcoholic, you need to get into Al-anon(sp?). You have some co-dependency issues.  

  

I wonder what is up with the Claudia's other siblings? Their faces was blotted out in the photos. Did they cut and run to get as far away from Mom as Possible?  

I understand what you are saying but really, be thankful for what you DO have.

My parents, although not this bad at all, are very pushy about a lot of things. Especially religion. I am still made to feel like a 12 year old in their house and I am getting really close to putting a hault to it.

I am not saying that you shouldn't wish to have your parents involved, I just want you to see that even though your situation sucks, there is a silver lining! LOL! Seriously! You are an adult who doesn't have parents who think they know better then you and who are constantly bossing you around and telling you that you are hurting your kids by your decisions.

I have THAT. I love my mom and dad, they love my daughter. Most of the time it's a good situation. Except I have to constantly deal with them pushing religion and politics on me.

Just want you to see a silver lining hon...I'm so sorry though, that your parents aren't there for you. :(

Grandma's dialog is that she was married to an controlling, disrespectiful and abusive husband and she failed to protect her kids from it. 

  

So now to reinvent the past she has embraced the role as a controlling and disrespectful mother/grandmother.  She is disrespectful to her daughter and her husband and finds it perfectly alright to domineer their relationship. 

  

I'm sorry but where does she get off? 

  

Ok so the daughter doesn't have a spine (thanks to dear old dad and now mom) so where is the husband's?  My husband has no problem telling my mother and/or father to go to hell when they have overstepped their boundaries. 

  

Sounds like Daughter needs therapy and the locks changed.  Also Mom needs to get a life and a very good therapist. 

  

Dr. Phil just asked the daughter what she wanted.  She sounded like such a wuss.  As a New Yorker I want her to repeat the following statement to her mom: 

  

"Mom, the locks are changed and no you aren't getting a key.  Back off.  The guilt trips no longer work.  You want to die, go ahead because you are killing me, so either way you won't get to see me without an invitation.  You are a visitor in my life not a dictator.  Don't like it, TOUGH." 

Why do people have to be this way?  

   

Why is nothing ever good enough???  

   

I am in a similar situation.  My dear husband (of 10 wonderful years!) and I don't have children, but my mothers CONSTANT negative attitude is taking a tole on our lives.  There is always some sort of cutting remark (mumbled or spoken clearly, or worse yet, repeated back to us by friends or family) no matter what the situation is.  Recently, I have seen how bad it is, and the things she is saying behind my back have blown my mind, and hurt me more than I thought it could.  

   

It is only been worse when my father recently passed away.  He was my support, and loved unconditionaly.  He was my barrier between my mother and myself, and when he needed a break from mom, I was here for him.  

   

She is more negative than ever, and is not concerned how her actions and words are taken by others.  She has isolated herself, as friends and family have had more than they can take.  She expects everyone to do everything for her, and when she doesn't get what she wants, she will write them out of her life, or say how they were out to get her etc.  It took a friend of hers to point out to my own mother that I was mourning the loss of my father, and just because I wouldn't let her move in with us, did not mean that we did not love her. ???????  I really don't even think it hit her that I was missing him.  The way she thinks blows my mind.  

   

My mother has had some emotional issues in the past, and more of this is now coming to light now.  I have been worried about her behavior, and have been talking with friends and family, many of who bring up things that have happened before I was around.  Even in all of her childhood pictures, you can pick her out with the pursed lips, and frown.  

   

I don't know how to help someone who doesn't want to be happy.  It is just so hard to be around her.  I know that no matter what I do, it will never be enough, and even if she says it is, she will go off and gripe to who ever will listen about what a terrible person I am.  

   

I miss my supportive father SO MUCH.  He told me once that mom could look out onto a field of flowers and only complain about the one weed.  He was so right.    

   

I was so lucky to have my dad in my life for 33 years, and learn from him and his wonderful spirit.  I can't imagine my life without it,and i wish it could have been longer.  We spoke before he passed about my moms comments, and he told me to try my hardest to ignore her.  We both knew how hard it could be to be around her.  We had to have a conversation about limiting her visits to the nursing home once he was moved there.  The things she would say infront of him were awful.  The things she would say away from him were worse.  I can't even go there again.  

   

I know I have to set limitations, and I WISH AND HOPE AND PRAY that I could have the kind of support from her that I did my dad, but I know it won't come. Medications have not helped, and even though friends, family, and now even her physician have told her to see a phsyciatrist, she won't go.  My grandparents I found out, tried to get her into therapy years ago.    

   

She is now demanding us to help her make all the decisions it will take to help her sell the farm, and move into town.  I am willing to help, but she asks EVERYONE what to do, and then when I give my imput, she tells me I am wrong, or "so-and-so told me to do it differently."  I guess she is setting herself or me up to fail, I don't know what that is?  Attention probably???    

   

My dad had been retired for quite a few years, and had a hobby acreage, a welding and wood shop.  I was told on Easter, that if I wanted anything I would need to show up at the auction.  I am an only child, and it all just came as a HUGE shock, and from the sounds, the only things I can "have" are the items I bought dad, and if I have a receipt, "that would be nice."  I see the shop, and it is full of memories.  My dad even helped me launch my own successfull business as an artist. Mom only ever complained about the time dad and I spent together working on projects.  And when we would rejoice about our successful sales, all we would hear is "why do I care, I won't ever see a dime of it."  

   

NEGATIVE NEGATIVE NEGATIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

   

Perhaps this is her way of "seeing a dime."  

   

Yes, I am hurt, and confused, frustrated and bewildered why a parent would do this.  I could be so different.  But I sadly don't see things changing.   

   

I have another wonderful support system too - my husband.  I am lucky to have him next to me through all of this.  I hope it gets better.   

quick story.  there was once a lady who found a cocoon.  she brought the cocoon home on the stick it was attached to and after a few days she noticed the cocoon was starting to crack.  she paid very close attention to it and watched the creature inside struggle for HOURS to free itself from the cocoon.  finally unable to stand watching the struggle of the thing, she got a pair of scissors and very very carefully cut the rest of the cocoon off of the butterfly.  she was heartborken to see that where other butterflies have beautiful wings to carry them around for the rest of their lives, this poor butterfly had shrivelled, dwarfed wings.  the butterfly eventually died, never having even taken flight.   

  

a couple of years later the lady was reading about butterflies and happened to notice a passage in the book..  the passage explained just how neccessary it was for the butterfly to extract it'self from the cocoon... for that very tight squeeze and fight is what forces all of the excess fluid from the body of the butterfly, into it's wings.. strengthening them, expanding them.. and allowing them to grow and fly and be butterflies.  

My In-laws we exactly the same way.  They are still upset with us because we did not invite them to the hospital when we had our daughter.  That was nearly 5 years ago.  When we had out second child we asked to to pick our daughter up at day care and bring her to the hospital after the birth( planned c-section).  They agreed to do this but the day of the event they left a message on my husbands voice mail that they couldn't make it.  Some times well intention mothers or mother-in-laws get vindictive when they don't get what they want.  This put a horrible strain on our family.  We were constantly critiseds for every  single decision we made.  My mil felt she was the authority and would not listen to anything I said.  It has escalated into a truly  awful situation.  We moved out of state without saying good-bye.  They came to visit once.  They left in a huff in the middle of the night and I haven't spoken to them in over a year.  My husband has seen them once since then. 

  

If this grandmother doesn't figure out that these boundries DO APPLY to her then she will lose her daughter and grandchildren.  I totaly empathize with the daughter.  My self esteem was completely shot in the year after my daughter was born.  It's taken along time for me to regain my confidence.  I'm abel to forgive my in-laws but I still don't want a relationship with them as I think they are toxic people.  I hope the Grandmother doesn't let things get to this point with her daughter. 

  

Dr.Phil  I think your advice was right on.  I wish somebody could set my in-laws straight. 

Although I was in the same shoes as this couple was, I was thinking that Dr Phil was being a bit too hard on granny throughout the show until he pointed out that they do love her and want her in their lives (to a point) in the end. 

  

I can relate to this story  on all levels. My ex-MIL moved around the corner from me and my ex husband. She came over unannounced whenever she wanted too and had a key. She even brought over my ex's dinner. My kids were her life and she thought I couldn't take care of them "right" like she does. 

  

When I divorced my ex, he got remarried and then had to move to where his new wife is from (Sydney, Australia) in order to get his life back. 

  

So many parts of this story remind me of my own life. But this is even more extreme than I could have ever imagined.Man, I thought I had it rough.  

  

I couldn't stop laughing though when Dr Phil asked if he was on Candid Camera at the beginning of the show! LOL