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Topic : 08/30 Possessive People

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Created on : Thursday, April 27, 2006, 07:11:52 pm

Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 05/03/06) Claudia describes her mother, Bernice, as an "emotional, psychological vampire, sucking the life blood" out of her. She feels smothered by her mother's controlling, possessive behavior toward her and her two children, and finds herself snapping at her husband and taking it out on her kids. When Claudia and her husband, Thomas, built their new home, Bernice built a house right next door, so she could drop in at any time -- an opportunity she has taken full advantage of. Claudia says Bernice makes her feel like a terrible mother because she won't stop questioning her decisions and undermining her. If the situation doesn't change, Claudia and Thomas say they will move their family to Ireland. Bernice says her grandchildren are her life and if she loses them, she will die. What is behind Bernice's possessiveness? Is this just grandmotherly love, or is she crossing the line? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

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clhuber72

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May 4, 2006, 1:55 pm PDT

Wow ... we may share the same MIL

Quote From: suez64

Today's show meant a lot to me. I have been dealing w/ my husbands mother since 2003 and through two deployments. My mother taught me to be independent and was "helpful" but not intrusive.

The mother on the show today; WONT change. I can tell by the look on her face that she is determined. Is she GERMAN? my inlaws are german. They are STRONG WILLED and are NOT open minded.

My own husband is too scared to stand up to his own mother. My therapist said that I should start standing up for myself at the time that she says and does inappropriate things. That is what Im going to do. Im no longer going to count on my husband to come to my defense. Its now in my own hands.

Im going to say "when you say things like that, it really hurts my feelings" He said that I need to put it on me NOT HER. "what did I DO?"

Today she interfered w/ my sons grades; he is 18 and a senior. I told her point blank that he is responsible for his own actions. He made an F in science and she thinks that I should go to the school and talk to the teacher. NOT! this is his game not mine! Im teaching HIM to be responsible for his own self! by the way it was my son that told her about his grade, not me.

she is so bored w/ her life that she has to get involved w/ ours. We did live 4 houses down from them and we moved 20 miles away. MUCH BETTER NOW! she doesnt come over unannounced any more.

I do know this; when My son gets married, I know now what a mother in law SHOULDNT do!

These mother in laws just dont know WHEN to let go! They need to find their own lives! and keep their noses our of their childrens' lives!

great show DR PHIL! you hit the NAIL right on the head!

I used to joke that my in-laws were the way they are b/c of their German heritage. Maybe it is true. Best of luck with standing up for yourself! For me, it made it a LOT WORSE, and I even got a lecture on how to respect our elders!!!

I guess that talking about people beehind their backs, spreading lies, and constant negative talk to your face look like respect to them. So does turning your children against each other. How sad!!!

It is their way or the highway, and now that my husband has stood up to them, they know that I must have brainwashed him, or just assume that b/c of me he does not want to be a part of the family. They think we just think to much of ourselves.

Well, we think that having not anything to do with them has helped in our emotional healing, and with some outside help, my loving husband and I see them for who they are.

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mupine67

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May 4, 2006, 1:59 pm PDT

cultural differences

Hi,

I am glad many of you have pointed out the fact of the cultural differences.

That is another issue that DrPhil has missed.(he talked about several issues here)

It is in the daughters best interest to try and sort this out so that they may not move to Ireland.

Because, I STRONGLY BELIEVE THAT THE DAUGHTER IS GOING TO SUFFER WITH SOO MUCH GUILT THAT COULD DESTROY HER IF SHE DOES GO!!!!!

cheers

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gw14832

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May 4, 2006, 2:03 pm PDT

This has nothing to do with ethnic/cultural problem

Quote From: mother52

I usually agree with Dr. Phil, but in this case I thought it was obvious from the first moment that this was an ethnic/cultural problem. I see that some of you picked up on that, but Dr. Phil did not. In addition, I thought the daughter was extremely ungrateful. I realize that a lot of you out there have had bad experiences, and I've had some as well, but for Pete's sake, show some compassion. I hope that someone with an understanding of cultural differences can help these two people work it out. On a different note, in a few months my entire family, except for me, will be living in Europe. When Berniece says that she will die without them, I know exactly what she means. I would never want to be living next door to my parents or my kids, but I'd sure like to be within an hour's drive of a family member. And please, Dr. Phil, when your show comes on tomorrow, I'd love to hear you say, "You know, I was totally wrong about my advice, and I want to thank my listeners for pointing it out to me."

This has nothing to do with an ethnic/cultural problem. This has to do with a controlling Mother and Grandmother who has not learned to let go of her Grown Daughter. That has to have every word be the commanding word with a Daughter that needs to stand up for her family and herself. Dr Phil was not wrong. Unfortunatly it probably will come down to Claudia and Thomas and their kids having to move because Bernice will never change she does not think she is wrong. I have lived this situation and I have had to grow a back bone with the help of my husband in order to safe my family from the same kind of Mother.

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neongirl8

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May 4, 2006, 2:11 pm PDT

Let go

I hope Claudia finds it in her heart and mind to recognize that she is taking the life of her daughter and disallowing her to be a free person in essence. What's the take? A mother struggles to keep a child as such-- a child even if she's already 50! The fear of letting go can result in the loss of a child's individuality and sense of accountability for her own existence. That' s a stuck relationship. They aren't Siamese twins; they both have personal beliefs and values and the promise of being bonded as mother--child in a way that is supportive and empowering. Isn't Claudia happy that she can now have a life of her own and do what she couldn't have while raising a family?

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jennifer65

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May 4, 2006, 2:24 pm PDT

Wow! Talk about a stalker

I was in shock as I watched the show about this grandmother. How could she NOT get the fact that she's intruding and forcing herself upon her daughter? The woman is thinking about moving to IRELAND for God sake! Would the grandmother have put up with half of the crap from her mother that's she's trying to shove down her daughter's throat? I doubt it. My first inclination was "how dare she!" Call the cops and have a restraining order issued. LOL

I do think that Dr Phil was right about the daughter teaching the mother how to treat her. The daughter should have stood up long ago and said BACK OFF. She never should have given her mom a key to the house and when she moved in next door she should have built a privacy fence around the property with a locked gate. I know we all love our parents and nobody wants to hurt mom's feelings, but if that's what it took then that's what I'd have done.

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tcduffy98

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May 4, 2006, 2:31 pm PDT

You have no idea!

Quote From: lotofshoes

LOL>...she was quiet the drama Queen...and yeah I had wondered about the xanax...!!! Too....And didn't her Mother state at the start of the show her daughter was very spoiled and constantly needed attention....???? If someone is popping pills like that I would be scared....!!!....and I believe she needed this attention as well...did you notice she faked crying about 5 times.....lol....Phaleeeeeseee.....I wish my mother was half that loving and protective of me and my Childern....lol.....she needs to get a grip and handle her life Like an adult....

You are both wrong. The mother didn't "fake" her crying or emotions, etc.. And regarding the Xanax, she is NOT zonked out on it. Before you assume (which by the way means making an ass out of you and me) you should get your facts straight. Which you obviously don't have, so save your criticisms and conjecture and just stick to what was revealed on the show.

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reclaim_me

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May 4, 2006, 3:22 pm PDT

I'm sorry for your loss

Quote From: lavella

Well, I could well be that grandma who "does not want to have anything to do with the son's family and his 4 kids". Ha! Sadly, the writer is probably wanting to believe this is true -- that would be far preferable than owning up to her own miscommunications! She might actually lose control and controlling behavior is her lifeline!

My husband and I have only been destroyed by the rejection from our daughter-in-law as she manipulated and sabotaged every kind intent and loving kindness from my husband and myself all these years. We so wanted a daughter and we were so excited when she came into our lives but immediately that idea was dashed as she turned to friends instead and casual friends at that, to help her wedge us out and I do mean "OUT"! She herself is very bossy and she let us know right away that she is a feminist and not going to have us as boss of her - truthfully she came prepackaged with advice from her girlfriends on how to deal with any would be in-laws so we were set up for rejection from the get-go and unfairly so! Our son was naive when he met this girl and loved her strength and defiance at first - it has caused him pain but he knows we feel he should stick up for his wife no matter what so he will have to deal with this in his marriage and not tell us about it.

Its God's story now - knowing that we have been denied our treasure in this life, we have suffered death itself and grieved long and much! All our ongoing efforts have been totally rejected, mocked, wedged out, sabotaged! The children lose and that is the sad thing, really! They will never know they had grandparents who loved them so much! They also are not being taught to respect anyone over 3 feet tall and not on the computer screen!

Walton's family on Walton Mountain may have been an American ideal story of past years, but is only a myth now and not even a respected myth! The financial success this generation has enjoyed due directly because of the strong work ethic of this country's previous generations to raise the standard of living, has itself boomeranged to the disintegration of family bonding. Distancing is made easier and affordable - and preferred as a quick fix over "working through" relationship wrinkles! Just toss - recycle - buy new!

Gee, we worked so hard to make things happen for our children and in their 'success' we grandparents find ourselves edited right off the map! Now, how smart were we after all!

The grandkids are watching and taking note as to how they in turn will know how to treat their moms and dads years from now - What America will survive that ?

I read your post, and wanted to say that I am genuinely sorry for your loss...Coming from the otherside, being the daughter-in-law, who was myself very strong willed in the beginning...I still wished for a great relationship with my husbands parents, and tried very hard to become what I thought they wanted me to be...I could not continue to be controlled, and hurt by them, so I stepped out, so I would not continue to get hurt.

I too have grieved and cried for what I thought our relationship would be...we all couldn't get it straightened out...I too feel sad for my children not being in my husband's parents lives...At this point, it is up to my husband to decide when HE wants to deal with them, even when I have asked for another try at a reconciliation. It's his parents, and he needs to decide when he is ready.

My in laws are not bad people...My husband and I are not bad people...we are all capable of love, and capable of hurt...none of us are without sin, or disapointing others.

I hope and pray for you that someday you and your son's family can come together...and find some common ground...This is what I pray for.

If I could speak for your daughter in law...I wish I could, I wish she could say to you: " I'm sorry for my part of the misunderstandings, that I know you loved loved me...sorry that I didn't always acknowllege your love and generosity...I'm sorry that I caused you so much pain...Please forgive me for my piece in the rift."

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rhonnie

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May 4, 2006, 4:42 pm PDT

Re-enactment of me and my mother

When I watched this program I could not believe that MY story was being re-enacted by some actresses. Some of the details were off but mostly the same story. Instead of walking in on me in the shower, my mother used to walk into our bedroom in the middle of the night when she came to stay with us. The first night home after my son was born she came rushing in our bedroom to get him when he started fussing. I was flabbergasted and reminded her that I had it under control. I really think that she thinks she is being "helpful". However, when she would come for a visit, I became a 10 year old little girl, scared to make MOmmy mad. When Dr. Phil mentioned the Peace at any price it rang loud and clear. I used to give my husband and children pep talks before she arrived, begging my husband to "just be nice" so it was easier for me. I've come to realize and regret that I put him in a position that undermined him. He was stuck between trying to keep me happy and protecting his family. I have always taken on the role of being in charge of my mothers happiness. Claudia was right, It's not our job. But we take on those roles growing up and it's hard to know how to stop it. Dr. Phil was right when he told the grandma that she was about to lose access to her grandchildren and I am living testament to that. I tried for years to calmly and rationally talk to my mother about issues. I never yelled or screamed, I just let all my rage build and build. When Claudia was talking about it, I physically felt those emotions again, my palms got sweaty, my stomach did flip flops, my pulse raced and I felt like exploding. A couple of years ago my rage reached the point where I just couldn't see any light at the end of the tunnel and I told my mother not to contact or come see me anymore. She has not seen my children or me in 2 years now. I constantly second guess myself about this decision, but when it comes down to it, I had to choose between her or my children. Not that it mattered what I told her though. She emails me and writes to me all the time and tells me "who am I" to tell her what to do? Her emails are horrible and mean. Just recently she sent me a birthday card and in it was a hate mail. Now, who does that?? and why the pretense of the nice bday card?? Just send the hate mail and be done with it for crying out loud. My mother, on top of being over bearing, not understanding boundaries, etc etc, also is not rational. When a girl in my mothers city was abducted she called me sobbing to the point that I thought someone in my family had died. Now, I was upset also about the abduction but she insisted I put bars on my childrens bedroom windows and she would pay for it. She wanted so badly to have some control in protecting my children, but this is a woman who has a weapons permit and carries a gun with her EVERY WHERE. When my daughter was around 3 years old she had come to stay for the weekend. Two days after she had gone home she called in a panic to tell me that she had left her gun in my childs closet. I was FURIOUS!!! and who would think to frisk your parents as they come in the house. These are only a few of the examples, there are so many more. My friends tell me I should write a book. I had to laugh when Claudia called her mother a vampire, because I call mine a "dementor" (HarryPotter). For those that don't know, a dementor is a creature who sucks your soul out. She also has so much control over my siblings that I have referred to her as the godfathermother as well. Honestly, as much as a I wonder if I've done the right thing, I don't lose any sleep over it and we are a functioning happy family. I feel like I have control over my life and can breathe for a change. Also, like Claudia, I don't think it's possible for my mother to change anyway. I would really like to see an update on this family and see if indeed the grandmother "heard" what he said instead of what she wanted to hear so she could pout and be the victim, that's what my mother would do. When my mother tells me that I"m not the girl she raised, I do a little jig and shout for Joy. I think it's the best compliment I've ever had. I don't WANT to be the girl she raised me to be. If I'm not, than I must be doing pretty good!!!

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slb1956

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May 4, 2006, 5:07 pm PDT

05/03 Possessive People

Quote From: purplepain

Yes but again, that is an individual situation that the courts can sort out. I in NO WAY would ever vote that grandparents get some kind of automatic rights over kids. NEVER!

My kid is MY kid and she is not my parents kid. I couldn't imagine if my parents or my husband's parents suddenly had some rights over my daughter. Can you imagine the havoc that would cause?

There is always an exception and that is why we have family courts, to deal with these kinds of problems. But NEVER should a kid automatically go to the grandparents. I can't even begin to type out the problems something like that could cause!

And yes, people do get wiser to a degree as they age, but they also get hard headed just as often. I will NOT listen to my parents on almost anything. They are wrong about almost everything. And I'd be very happy if they would shush up, mind their own business and just have fun with their grand daughter.

People can be "better off" from advice from anyone, advice from a grandparent or parent isn't automatically better. Not by a long shot.

I know I will be attacked for this, but grandparents should be thankful for the chance to be grandparents and they should take the privilege very seriously. They are no longer parents in the same sense they used to be. I'm done being raised now, time for my parents to stop raising me. Time for grandparents to sit back, be quiet and be grandparents.

I agree with you that it is a privilge to be a grandparent and please understand I never go to my daughters without calling although when it is reversed they know that I do not expect them to call ahead they are always welcome.My daughter would call me everyday not me calling her and I always took the time to talk and listen .If she would ask for advice I would give it and yes sometimes I gave it without being asked.If she is going to involve me in something she is doing by talking to me about it and if I feel I can steer her in a better direction then I will.If she does not want me to say anything then she should not involve me,go tell a friend,but isn't that what friends do also?(give advice)Once they are grown and they feel they know everything,they want to have total control of their lives and they don't want parents involved in their lives then don't involve them.I would not tell my grandmother( as I said I lived with her) in my problems because I did not want to worry her.I would talk to a friend.I did not constantly ask to see and keep my grandkids, my daughter would always ask me to keep them and I'm serious when I say she would ask no less than 3 weekends a month and at least twice a week. Grandkids do melt your heart and I by choice did not refuse to keep them.So I ask is it fair for your kids to take away that privilege with the grand kids when they were the ones that gave all of the contact to begin with?Claudia did have a choice as all parents do, find a daycare or a babysitter and if the situation is so bad with the grandparent don't wait until the grandparent has such a tremendous bond with the kids and then pull the plug.Nip it in the bud as soon as you see what is happening. I agree Bernice way over stepped her bounds but so did Claudia.If it had been me I would have taken the key,not got my mother so involved once I say things heading in the wrong direction,gave her a schedule in writing,suggest counseling and I am sure there are other solutions.When it comes down to it Claudia helped to create the problem.

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airabell

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May 4, 2006, 5:18 pm PDT

I know what you mean!

Quote From: rhonnie

When I watched this program I could not believe that MY story was being re-enacted by some actresses. Some of the details were off but mostly the same story. Instead of walking in on me in the shower, my mother used to walk into our bedroom in the middle of the night when she came to stay with us. The first night home after my son was born she came rushing in our bedroom to get him when he started fussing. I was flabbergasted and reminded her that I had it under control. I really think that she thinks she is being "helpful". However, when she would come for a visit, I became a 10 year old little girl, scared to make MOmmy mad. When Dr. Phil mentioned the Peace at any price it rang loud and clear. I used to give my husband and children pep talks before she arrived, begging my husband to "just be nice" so it was easier for me. I've come to realize and regret that I put him in a position that undermined him. He was stuck between trying to keep me happy and protecting his family. I have always taken on the role of being in charge of my mothers happiness. Claudia was right, It's not our job. But we take on those roles growing up and it's hard to know how to stop it. Dr. Phil was right when he told the grandma that she was about to lose access to her grandchildren and I am living testament to that. I tried for years to calmly and rationally talk to my mother about issues. I never yelled or screamed, I just let all my rage build and build. When Claudia was talking about it, I physically felt those emotions again, my palms got sweaty, my stomach did flip flops, my pulse raced and I felt like exploding. A couple of years ago my rage reached the point where I just couldn't see any light at the end of the tunnel and I told my mother not to contact or come see me anymore. She has not seen my children or me in 2 years now. I constantly second guess myself about this decision, but when it comes down to it, I had to choose between her or my children. Not that it mattered what I told her though. She emails me and writes to me all the time and tells me "who am I" to tell her what to do? Her emails are horrible and mean. Just recently she sent me a birthday card and in it was a hate mail. Now, who does that?? and why the pretense of the nice bday card?? Just send the hate mail and be done with it for crying out loud. My mother, on top of being over bearing, not understanding boundaries, etc etc, also is not rational. When a girl in my mothers city was abducted she called me sobbing to the point that I thought someone in my family had died. Now, I was upset also about the abduction but she insisted I put bars on my childrens bedroom windows and she would pay for it. She wanted so badly to have some control in protecting my children, but this is a woman who has a weapons permit and carries a gun with her EVERY WHERE. When my daughter was around 3 years old she had come to stay for the weekend. Two days after she had gone home she called in a panic to tell me that she had left her gun in my childs closet. I was FURIOUS!!! and who would think to frisk your parents as they come in the house. These are only a few of the examples, there are so many more. My friends tell me I should write a book. I had to laugh when Claudia called her mother a vampire, because I call mine a "dementor" (HarryPotter). For those that don't know, a dementor is a creature who sucks your soul out. She also has so much control over my siblings that I have referred to her as the godfathermother as well. Honestly, as much as a I wonder if I've done the right thing, I don't lose any sleep over it and we are a functioning happy family. I feel like I have control over my life and can breathe for a change. Also, like Claudia, I don't think it's possible for my mother to change anyway. I would really like to see an update on this family and see if indeed the grandmother "heard" what he said instead of what she wanted to hear so she could pout and be the victim, that's what my mother would do. When my mother tells me that I"m not the girl she raised, I do a little jig and shout for Joy. I think it's the best compliment I've ever had. I don't WANT to be the girl she raised me to be. If I'm not, than I must be doing pretty good!!!

GO GIRL! Your story sounds almost like mine. They call my mother, "THE FAMILY SH_T (crap) STIRRER". I'm having surgery in a few weeks and told her that I didn't want her up at the hospital because she makes my blood pressure go up. The doctor told me no stress. HaHa! The last time I had surgery she told my husband, nurses and the doctors everything they were doing wrong. I love her but she drives me nuts. Sometimes I wish my husband and I could move away. Her biggest problem is that she needs to get a life. Her Own Life! She's mad at me right now but who cares at least I got peace and quiet. Thank You Lord.

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