Topic : 08/30 Possessive People

I agree with what you say about the burden put on your daughter.  Kids absorb so many things from others, especially people that spend so much time with.  How does your husband react to her?  I mean I really feel for her loss, and maybe it has everything to do with her behavior, I don't know..but has she always been this way?  And how was her relationship to HER mother?  Good luck with all.  It sounds like a challenge to meet her neediness yet keep family peace.

Note to Claudia - Your mother is a weirdo - but you need to look at yourself and your xanax drug thing.  Why don't you check back in and make sure you don't need someone watching those kids while you are doped up.

 My MIL and husband are the same also, only my MIL is worse than this granny. If we had had children,  she would have done the same things.

The first time this show aired, someone on this board posted a message that said  "this is a cultural thing"  and I think she is right, however, you find this attitude in many cultures including here in the US. I don't know what nationallity Bernice is, but my MIL who is Hungarian once told me that when the mother gets old (her) she moves in with the kids...and she runs the house.....basically runs everyone and everything. My reply was that she should go back to Hungary if she expects that to happen.  She has guilted my husband to the point that when I tell him he should stand up to her , he'll say  "I can't do that....it would kill her". Sound familiar?

Another person responded after this show aired and spoke of a term I had never heard. It was "emotional Incest"  I looked it up and was very surprised....it explained a lot about my husband relationship with his mother.

How right you are. When is our country going to give parent's the right to raise their kids without interference.

   I have to respond to this show. My family is going through the WORST imaginable problem from a controlling mother. Allow me to give you a little background...I am my mother's only child. She has always been a huge part of my life. It only became a problem when I got married and had children. It was like she thought my children were her children. She always talked about us as her kids...us being my husband, two children, and myself. It was a great source of strain between my husband and I. We eventually divorced for other reasons. (Best decision I ever made). I have now remarried to a wonderful man. He is my soul-mate. However, my mother has had it out for him since the begining. She told my sister-in-law on our wedding day that my husband was the biggest jerk she had ever met and I was making a huge mistake. She also said that he already had two strikes against him. He only needed one more and he was out. My husband and I have been married for 5 years. It has been the best five years of mine and my children's life. We have done very well with the blended family. The kids think of my husband as another father. He has given us a wonderful home, and me the opportunity to be a stay-at-home mom and to finally finish college.
Now to the meat of the story:
I had been taking some night classes last spring semester. My husband travels a lot with work. On the weeks he was out of town, the kids would stay with my mother on nights I had school. Whenever my husband was at home, the kids were at home. Of course, Grandma always stopped by on those nights, or had "something special" for the kdis to do on those nights. My husband usually gave in and let the kids go. When he didn't, everybody was still up when I got home from school. They had not even had baths yet. He let them go mostly to keep the peace. My mother was always telling me that the kids did not like my husband, and how miserable they told her they were. However, they were always ready to come home as soon as they could, and I never saw any signs of them not liking him. Anyway, last February I had to go out of town for school, and the kids were spending the long weekend with Grandma. (This was nothing unusual) During that Friday., my mother took my daughter to school and told her principal that my husband had been touching my daughter inappropriately. The principal then calls my daughter down to the office and tells her that she has to tell the guidance counselor what grandma had told the principal. So, my daughter goes to the guidance counselor's(GC) office. The GC starts to ask her questions. My daughter gets very upset and doesn't want to talk. The GC thens calls my mother and asks her to come to the school. (She didn't call me, she called my mother. WHY!?!). Once Grandma is there "helping", my daughter tells the GC what Grandma had told the principal. Of course this means a call to Child Protective Services (CPS). School officials are bound by law to report these things. This all happened on a Friday morning. Well, I had to be back at school on Monday, but the kids were out. At this point I still had no idea any of this was going on. My mother took both of my children to meet with a CPS caseworker to be interviewed without my knowledge!  After I got done with school Monday, I received a call from CPS. They asked me to come to their office. I did. It was only then (Monday afternoon) that I learned what had been happening all weekend. I had called my mother on the way there and she acted like she didn't know anything. They made me sign a piece of paper saying that my daughter would be staying with my mother until the investigation was over. I was able to bring my son home though. My husband has been charged with lewd act on a minor. He did not do any of this!!! All of the accusations surround bedtime. I have been home and in my daughter's bedroom everynight. He has never been alone with her at bedtime. Not to mention all of the time he spends out of town. I would say it is 75% to 80% of the time he is out of town for work.  Also, my daughter's story continues to change, as well as my mother's. My daughter is in therapy now. She is also back home. My husband had to move out so we could get her home and away form that crazy woman. We have already been to court twice for this. Our next court date is coming up soon. This will be the one that decides the case in Family Court. Then, we have to deal with the criminal courts. When my husband and I figured out that he could move out so my daughter could move home, we jumped on the opportunity. Since she has been home, my mother has tried to contact her therapistwithout my knowledge. Thank goodness for HIPPA. The therapist could nottell her anything. My mother has also been on the phone with thecaseworker telling them all kinds of lies. She has also been talking tothe Guardian ad litem. All of these people were aware that my husband was moving out so my daughter could come home before it ever happened. They are the ones that ok'd my daughter moving back home. In fact, they encouraged it. She has been telling these people that my daughter is supposed to be living with her, that I have taken my daughter away, and she is concerned about the well-being of my daughter. Needless to say, once my daughter came home, the visits with Grandma stopped! My mother has been trying her best, but it's not happening. The kids have not had any contact with her since May. The therapist says she noticed a drastic change in my daughter as soon as she moved back home. She said that my daughter is much happier now than she was before. So, my mother has implanted in my daughter's mind that she has been molested. Even after we fight this in court and win, my family is still damamged forever! My husband is afraid to be alone with any children now, and my daughter believes that she has been molested. What is that going to do to her when she becomes an adult? How is she going to be able to have a healthy relationship with a man now? She is only 9 years old. If we don't win in court, my husband is facing up to 15 years in prison and a lifetime of being labeled as a child molester. All this for something he did NOT do. All this because I have a controlling mother.
A word of advice...if you have a controlling mother or MIL, stop her now!!! Stop her before she goes off the deep end and ruins your family FOREVER!!

I think that you should sue your mother for all this turmoil, it is against the law to lie! She is an evil woman and I wouldn't have anything to do with her.  I don't care who she is!

Best of luck to you. I hate these types of situations. What a crime your family has been through!

I am so sorry to hear about your mother's behavior. Though I believe you when you say your husband did not molest your daughter, I hope that you will let her know that you are on her side. The worst, worst, worst most horrible thing to happen would be for her to be telling the truth, but she is afraid to say anything to you because she senses that you are so vigorously on your husband's side. If I had to guess--because I'm only reading about your situation, not living it--your mother is making all of this up and has a pathological problem with lying. But for the 1% chance that your daughter really was touched, please just let her know you are there to hear whatever she has to say.

I'm in Australia, and I've just seen this episode today.  I really wish I had taped it, so I can show it to my mother.  My mother is not quite as controling as Benice, but she is still very controlling and manipulative.  She always tells me what to do, how to do my hair, what to wear, and how to raise my children.  She sneaks comments in about my weight all the time and advises me to wear long skirts "because I'm carrying a bit extra weight.  Everytime I wear my hair up, she comments that I look so much better with my hair down, because of my found face.  She justifies all her controlling as "caring" and "love".

 

One thing she can do expertly is to switch from a perpertrator to a victim in one second flat!  She will criticise me, and if I react, she will burst into tears, and say how horrible I am and how I think I'm perfect and I should realise that everyone can do with a little help!  I believe that if I really let her have it as far as my feelings go, she could huff and puff herself into a heart-attack, and blame me! 

 

She really has the gift of the gab, and I don't and I feel so helpless against her.  No matter what she says, she comes up smelling like a rose, and I come up looking like schmuck!  She's helped me alot in life, and uses this to her advantage. 

 

Another complication is that she is a tidyness freak and I'm messy.  She actually bursts into tears if she walks into our house, and it's messy.  She uses guilt, saying how my poor daughter can't have friends over, like I used to, (not true!).  In the past she's really become venomous, saying things like "where's your friends, you don't have any", "no man will ever love you unless you get your act together", "you'll break up your marriage if you don't get your act together".  I personally think I've gone the opposite, sub-consciensly out of rebellion.

 

I don't feel there is much I can do about it, because she will become hysterical.  I have gone out of my way to be completely different with my children.  My daughter is 11, and give her quite a bit of freedom, and don't push her too much to clean up her room (and it's a bomb site!). 

 

Just felt like to needed to vent.

It was not addressed that Bernice was possibly an "alcoholic"? Bernice will not change with out going to AA and therapy. She is still living vicariously through her childrens life. As she said...I will die with out my family..should they move away. Alcoholics are very "manipulative" and Bernice's problem will continue haunting her daughter/son in law, even if they give Bernice boundries.

this situation will most definelty have repercussions on the children.

I'm very surprised Dr. Phil didn't see the need for Bernice to go to AA and therapy?