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Topic : 05/04 Violent Love Intervention

Number of Replies: 299
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Thursday, April 27, 2006, 07:13:48 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
They’re slapped, beaten and bruised. Sometimes, the violence doesn’t end until they’re dead. Dr. Phil talks to women who say they are the victims of abuse and need an intervention before it’s too late. Michelle says her boyfriend, Ryan, flies off the handle over the smallest issues. She reveals that he began hitting her when she was pregnant with their son. Ryan says he can’t control his anger because his own dad was abusive with him as a child. Is it too late for Ryan to change? Then, Linda says her fiancé, Eddie, shot her in the eye and nearly killed her when she threatened to leave him. He’s now serving only four years in prison because, Linda says, she lied to the police and called the shooting accidental. Her mom, Jody, says she’s sickened that Linda still cares for the man who almost took her life. Will Linda stop loving the man who shot her and learn how to have healthy relationships? Talk about the show here.

Find out what happened on the show.

More May 2006 Show Boards.



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May 10, 2006, 9:34 am CDT

VIOLENT MICHELLE

HAS ANYONE NOTICED THAT ON THIS SHOW MICHELLES EYE WAS SHOT IN THE RIGHT EYE, AND LATER IN THE SHOW IT WAS HER LEFT????
 
May 10, 2006, 10:08 am CDT

05/04 Violent Love Intervention

Quote From: raraaunt

HAS ANYONE NOTICED THAT ON THIS SHOW MICHELLES EYE WAS SHOT IN THE RIGHT EYE, AND LATER IN THE SHOW IT WAS HER LEFT????
A lot of times when things are filmed they are mirrored or flipped. It's the job of editors to make sure that this doesn't cause problems like this (if this did happen)....but sometimes, especially with shows that are filmed everyday, these things can slip through the cracks.

Also, if you watch Dr Phil enough you can see his production crew like to do artistic things,during the video portions of the show,  flip the image, tint it, have words written on the screen to make impact, zoom in...you get the idea...


 
May 10, 2006, 11:14 am CDT

raaraunt-from the Dr Phil moderator....

Quote From: DrPhilBoard3

Some viewers have raised questions about the injury suffered by Linda, who appeared on the Dr. Phil episode “Violent Love Intervention.” They have noted a shot of Linda in which her injury appears to flip to the other side of her face.

  

 

  

 

As part of the effort to make a show that’s as visually interesting as possible, Dr. Phil producers will occasionally flip their video footage. The technique very simply creates a mirror image of the actual footage and is used often throughout the television industry.

  

 

 
May 11, 2006, 9:19 am CDT

Topic : 05/04 Violent Love Intervention

Dear Michelle, I'm sorry for writing you late.  Writing is not an easy task for me to do.  I'm so happy for you that you got the opportunity to get help from Dr. Phil.  You are a smart and intelligent women to ask for help.  God must love you very much to send you the help before it is to late .  I sure hope that you take advantage of this golden opportunity to the full extend.  Let me tell you about me.  I just turn 50 less than 2 weeks ago.  I have been married to the same man for almost 28 years.  If you stay with Ryan this is what is going to happen to you.  To mention a few, less than an hour ago I got beat up and my left ear loop is bleeding, I have no job, no degree, no family or friend to help, overweight, depress, confused and I'm in process of packing some of my belonging and have been looking to find a rental property to move out.   During the past 27 years my husband have been abusive physically and mentally to me and our children.  We have been gone to so many psychologist and spend so much money and we are still in the same boat.  My husband is also a psychologist  and he knows how to say the right things to the therapist.  I know that I have  made the same mistake as everyone else dose, to help him and to take care of my children, children, children.  Although I knew kids better be off with one good parent than two abusive one.  I was keep telling myself that under all that anger and rage there is good person who love me and need my help and some day will come out and step up to the plate.  I was telling my self that you don't through away the baby with the bath water.  Now 27 years has past and I'm still waiting for that person to come out.  But, it is to late for me and our children.  He has damaged us so badly and there is no way that this can be fixed.   Right now he has no relation with the two older daughter.  I'm not blaming on him.  I'm blaming it on my stupidity by staying with him to take care of him to see if he could get better and didn't protect my children.  Today if my children berried me a live I do deserve that.  I cry  silently day and night, I have a little dog and I don't want her to get upset but I did let him to beat up the kids and me in front of them mostly.  Now you know  why I deserve to die... 

Please, please get help for yourself and your baby and get out.  You have the help now you have no excuse.  It will be the best gift that you ever can give to your baby, yourself and the world.  Best of luck!   

 
May 11, 2006, 11:02 am CDT

Dear Choco,

Quote From: chocorn

Dear Michelle, I'm sorry for writing you late.  Writing is not an easy task for me to do.  I'm so happy for you that you got the opportunity to get help from Dr. Phil.  You are a smart and intelligent women to ask for help.  God must love you very much to send you the help before it is to late .  I sure hope that you take advantage of this golden opportunity to the full extend.  Let me tell you about me.  I just turn 50 less than 2 weeks ago.  I have been married to the same man for almost 28 years.  If you stay with Ryan this is what is going to happen to you.  To mention a few, less than an hour ago I got beat up and my left ear loop is bleeding, I have no job, no degree, no family or friend to help, overweight, depress, confused and I'm in process of packing some of my belonging and have been looking to find a rental property to move out.   During the past 27 years my husband have been abusive physically and mentally to me and our children.  We have been gone to so many psychologist and spend so much money and we are still in the same boat.  My husband is also a psychologist  and he knows how to say the right things to the therapist.  I know that I have  made the same mistake as everyone else dose, to help him and to take care of my children, children, children.  Although I knew kids better be off with one good parent than two abusive one.  I was keep telling myself that under all that anger and rage there is good person who love me and need my help and some day will come out and step up to the plate.  I was telling my self that you don't through away the baby with the bath water.  Now 27 years has past and I'm still waiting for that person to come out.  But, it is to late for me and our children.  He has damaged us so badly and there is no way that this can be fixed.   Right now he has no relation with the two older daughter.  I'm not blaming on him.  I'm blaming it on my stupidity by staying with him to take care of him to see if he could get better and didn't protect my children.  Today if my children berried me a live I do deserve that.  I cry  silently day and night, I have a little dog and I don't want her to get upset but I did let him to beat up the kids and me in front of them mostly.  Now you know  why I deserve to die... 

Please, please get help for yourself and your baby and get out.  You have the help now you have no excuse.  It will be the best gift that you ever can give to your baby, yourself and the world.  Best of luck!   

websites               

www.youarenotcrazy.com               

www.dririene.com               

www.abnet.org               

www.womenslaw.org               

www.acadv.org               

www.leavingabuse.com               

www.ndvh.org               

www.actabuse.com               

www.verbalabuse.com               

www.lilaclane.com               

www.womanabuseprevention.com               

www.stopthehurt.com               

www.healthyplace.com               

www.drjoecarver.com               

www.endabuse.org               

www.domesticviolence.org               

www.joy2meu.com               

www.silcom.com/paladin/madv/               

also type in "power & control wheel" & "equality wheel" in your search engine.               

                

books               

"Co-dependant no more" by Melody Beattie               

"why does he do that?  Inside the minds of angry & controlling men", "The batterer as a parent", & "When daddy hurts mommy" by Lundy Bancroft (also www.lundybancroft.com)               

"the emotionally abusive relationship" & "Breaking the cycle"  by Beverly Engel (also www.beverlyengel.com)               

"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward               

"The verbally abusive realationship" & "Controlling people"  by Patrice Evans               

"Dangerous realtionships" by Noelle Nelson, PhD               

"It's my life now:starting over after an abusive relationship" by Meg Kennedy Dugan & Roger Hock               

"No visible wounds" by Mary Susan Miller PhD               

                

The national domestic violence hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).                  

Domestic violence centers have many free programs and help available from support groups to legal advocates. Call them.   

  

Your post is so moving...moved me to tears.  Please reach out and get help. 

I  post on the abuse board here under marriage...come over and check out the board...lots of helpful, caring women...like you. 

 
May 11, 2006, 8:07 pm CDT

EMOTIONAL UNAVAILIBILITY - AVOIDING ITS TRAP

As painful as it may be, there are relationships that are so destructive that the only option is for a person to get out.  Get out with the little bit of sanity you may have remaining.  Some great introductory resources on relationship dysfunctions:   

    

Emotional Unavailability:  Recognizing It, Understanding It and Avoiding Its Trap by Bryn C. Collins    

    

Why is it Always About You?  The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism by Sandy Hotchkiss   

   

Emotional Blackmail:  When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward    

   

Leave to begin a life of healing and recovery so that you can eventually live a joyful and peaceful life.     

 
May 12, 2006, 1:44 am CDT

WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND

  

 

 Dear Giffin,

  

 

 

  

 

LET’S SEE WHAT PROGRESS HAVE YOU DONE SINCE YOUR LAST REPLIES:

  

 

 

  

 

"I thought I was seeking help, some advice, etc. when I posted what I posted. I did not think I myself would have to suffer abuse from people who do not even know me."

  

 

 

  

 

"I hope I get other responses than the abusive people that have obviously need help themselves!"

  

 

 

  

 

AS THEY SAY WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND.

  

 

 

  

 

YOU WERE ASKING FOR TROUBLE WHEN YOU WROTE YOUR MESSAGE THE WAY THAT YOU DID, MR INNOCENT.

  

 

 

  

 

NO ONE SAID YOU WERE A SAINT OR YOUR SON'S MOTHER WAS A SAINT IN THE FIRST PLACE.

  

 

 

  

 

I'M GLAD YOU HAVE SEEN SOME SENSE.  BUT IT’S NEVER GOING TO BE ENOUGH TO UNDO THE DAMAGE THAT HAS ALREADY HAPPENED. 

  

 

 

  

 

I'M GLAD TO SEE THAT THERE MIGHT BE SOME HOPE FOR YOU AFTERALL. 

  

 

 

  

 

LET’S SEE IF YOU ARE FOR REAL IF YOU HAVE SELF-CONTROL OF YOUR TEMPER AND YOUR SEXUAL GRATIFICATIONS.

  

 

 

  

 

THERE WILL BE NO OTHER RESPONSES THAN ALWAYS VERY AGGRAVATING ONES TO COUNTERACT THE SEVERITY OF THE DEGREE OF HARM YOU HAVE ENGAGED IN.

  

 

 

  

 

THE WAY YOU WROTE YOUR MESSAGE WAS SARCASTIC AS WELL AS VERY DEROGATORY AS THOUGH YOU WERE SHOWING OFF TO THE BIG WIDE WORLD HOW TOUGH AND MEAN YOU WERE OR HOW BAD YOU REALLY ARE. 

  

 

 

  

 

AND HOW BIG OF A MAN YOU ARE WHEN YOU WERE ONLY MAKING A FOOL OF YOURSELF.

  

 

 

  

 

WHAT DID YOU EXPECT BY POSTING SUCH A MESSAGE?

  

 

 

  

 

DID YOU THINK THAT PEOPLE WERE GOING TO REWARD YOU BY SENDING YOU LOVE LETTERS OR FAN LETTERS?

  

 

 

  

 

THIS IS WHY YOU ARE VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY ILL, PYSCHOLOGICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY.

  

 

 

  

 

YOU HAVE A SCARED LITTLE BOY IN YOU.  WANTING YOU TO REALISE THAT YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO HIM AND GET HIM HELP TO FREE HIM AND SET HIM FREE ON HIS WAY TO LIBERATION.

  

 

 

  

 

THAT LITTLE SCARED BOY DOES NOT WANT YOU TO ENSLAVE HIM ANYMORE.

  

 

 

  

 

HE HAS BEEN WANTING TO COME OUT A LONG TIME AGO.

  

 

 

  

 

BUT, BECAUSE OF YOUR STUBBORNNESS, YOUR IMMATURITY, YOUR FEAR OF LETTING GO OF THE NONSENSE AND SO FORTH THAT HAS BEEN YOUR COMFORTER; YOU HAVE TRAPPED THAT SCARED LITTLE BOY INSIDE FOR MANY YEARS.

  

 

 

  

 

I'D SAY THAT SCARED LITTLE BOY IS NOW A MONSTER THAT YOU HAVE GENIUSLY TAMED FROM TIME TO TIME WHEN YOU EXPLODE OR GET ANGRY AT THE WRONG PEOPLE FOR NO GOOD REASON.

  

 

 

  

 

DO YOU KNOW THE REAL ROOT OF YOUR PROBLEM?

  

 

 

  

 

IT’S THE SEXUAL ABUSE THAT HAPPENED TO YOU DURING YOUR YEARS AS A CHILD BETWEEN THE AGES OF 4 -14 YEARS OLD.

  

 

 

  

 

THE ANGER AND THE ABUSIVE BEHAVIOUR THAT YOU PROJECT TO OTHERS, IT’S DUE TO THAT SEXUAL ABUSE THAT HAPPENED TO YOU YEARS AGO.

  

 

 

  

 

NOT BECAUSE YOU WERE EXPOSED TO ABUSE BY YOUR PARENTS.  THAT IS PARTIALLY THE ISSUE BUT NOT THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM.

  

 

 

  

 

ALL YOU'VE DONE WAS ADD OTHER LAYERS OR FORMS OF EXCUSES OR ABUSIVE FACTORS TO CAMOUFLAGE THE ROOT OF THE ISSUE WHICH IS THE SEXUAL ABUSE.

  

 

 

  

 

ARE YOU AWARE THAT YOU COULD BE DONE FOR SEXUAL ASSAULT, MR SMARTY PANTS?

  

 

 

  

 

ARE YOU AWARE THAT YOU SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED NEAR CHILDREN UNTIL YOU RID YOURSELF OF THAT SEXUAL ABUSE?

  

 

 

  

 

ARE YOU AWARE THAT YOU SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED NEAR SCHOOLS OR PUBLIC FACILITIES WHERE YOU ARE LIKELY TO HARM SOMEONE, ESPECIALLY YOUNG CHILDREN, GIRLS, WOMEN AND LITTLE BOYS?

  

 

  

 

ARE YOU AWARE THAT THERE MAY BE ALREADY PEOPLE IN YOUR COMMUNITY WHERE YOU LIVE THAT CAN NARROW YOUR IDENTITY DUE TO YOUR MESSAGE BOARD?

  

 

  

 

COME TO THINK OF IT NOW, I WONDER WHETHER YOUR AGE IS 32 YEARS OLD.

  

 

 

  

 

I DIDN'T THINK SO EITHER.

  

 

 

  

 

INDEED, EVERYONE HAS HAD SOME FORM OF COUNSELLING OR NONE AT ALL.  THIS IS WHY WE CAN UNDERSTAND THE DEGREE OF HARM OF YOUR ACTIONS THAT YOU SEEM TO BE BLIND TO.

  

 

 

  

 

STOP LOOKING TO YOUR WIFE AS AN EXCUSE FOR YOUR BEHAVIOUR.  SHE IS NEITHER HERE NOR THERE TO ELICIT HER SIDE OF THE STORY TO EVENTS THAT YOU HAVE DISCLOSED TO THE WORLD WIDE WEB.

  

 

 

  

 

EVERYTIME YOU CHOOSE TO DISCLOSE SUCH MESSAGES, YOU BECOME PUBLIC SCRUTINY AND IS ANSWERABLE TO THE PUBLIC OR OTHERS ON THE MESSAGE BOARD.

  

 

 

  

 

WHETHER YOU LIKE OR NOT IS YOUR CHOICE.

  

 

 

  

 

BUT IT’S NOT GOING TO STOP PEOPLE FROM PROJECTING VERY DISTRESSING AND AGGRAVATING REPLIES.

  

 

 

  

 

COME TO THINK OF IT NOW, I REALLY BELIEVE YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN JAIL, BADLY.

  

 

 

  

 

A LITTLE PAIN WON'T TEACH YOU ENOUGH, 15 YEARS IN JAIL, JUST MIGHT BE THE BEST FORM OF REHABILITATION FOR YOU TO GIVE YOU PLENTY OF UNDISTURBED TIME TO DO SOME SERIOUS THINKING AND IT MIGHT GIVE YOU THE PEACE OF MIND THAT YOU ALWAYS WISHED.

  

 

 

  

 

YOU MAY EVEN COME OUT A COMPLETELY NEW PERSON WITH A BRAND NEW FABULOUS MIND TO SHOW THE WORLD INSTEAD OF YOUR MESSAGE ABOUT YOUR ABUSE AND SO FORTH.

  

 

  

 

YOUR COMMENT ABOUT HOPING TO GET OTHER RESPONSES OTHER THAN THE ABUSIVE ONES YOU’VE BELIEVED YOU HAVE RECEIVED SO FAR, IS ONLY A DREAM.

  

 

  

 

JUST IMAGINE, STANDING OUTSIDE IN BROAD DAYLIGHT NEAR THE STATUE OF LIBERTY WITH A HUGE BANNER OR MESSAGE BOARD, CLEARLY STATING EVERY WORD IN YOUR MESSAGE POSTED FOR EVERYONE TO READ.

  

 

  

 

WHAT KIND OF REACTION DO YOU EXPECT OR HOPE TO RECEIVE FROM BYSTANDERS OR PEOPLE GOING PAST?

  

 

  

 

BELIEVE ME, YOU ARE NEITHER GOING TO GET $1000.00 DOLLARS OR A DATE FROM THE MOST FAMOUS PERSON IN THE WORLD.

  

 

  

 

YOU’D BE LUCKY IF YOU DON’T GET SHOWERED WITH ROCKS INSTEAD OF CANDY.

  

 

  

 

YOU MIGHT GET UNDERGARMENTS THROWN AT YOU WITH BROKEN GLASSES.

  

 

  

 

YOU MAY EVEN GET SEXUALLY HARASSED OR ASSAULTED.

  

 

  

 

YOU’D BE LUCKY IF SOMEONE GAVE YOU A HUG RATHER THAN SOMETHING FALLING FROM ABOVE DIRECTLY ONTO YOU.

  

 

  

 

THE PRESIDENT OF UNITED STATES OF AMERICA ISN’T GOING TO BOTHER INVITING YOU TO ONE OF HIS OR HER CONFERENCES.  HE OR SHE MAY WISH TO CALL POLICE TO HAVE YOU SENT TO SOME FORM OF PSYCHIATRIC REHABILITATION CENTRE WHERE YOU WILL NEITHER BE HAPPY NOR SAD, BECAUSE YOU WON’T EVEN KNOW WHETHER YOU’RE SAD OR NUMB.

  

 

  

 

I DON’T THINK SANTA CLAUS IS GOING TO BOTHER STOPPING BY JUST TO SAY MERRY XMAS TO YOU.  HE OR SHE MIGHT REWARD YOU BY GIVING YOU A RIDE STRAIGHT TO THE SHELTER TO HELP OTHERS WHO HAVE BEEN ABUSED.

  

 

  

 

YOU’D BE LUCKY IF SOMEONE DURING A MOVIE SHOOT FAILS TO FIRE AN ARROW BY ACCIDENT AT YOU WHILST YOU COURAGEOUSLY DISPLAY YOUR MESSAGE BOARD.

  

 

  

 

YOU’D BE LUCKY AS WELL IF THE GHOSTS OF THE NEIGHBOURHOOD DOESN’T VISIT YOU TO DO THE SAME THINGS YOU DID TO OTHERS.

  

 

  

 

BELIEVE ME THERE ARE TERRIBLE SPIRITS OUT THERE WHO LOVE NOTHING MORE THAN PEOPLE WHO ENGAGE IN SUCH ABUSES AS THE ONES YOU’VE DONE.

  

 

  

 

I HOPE YOU SLEEP WELL AS WELL AS NOT NEXT TO A MONSTER.

  

 

  

 

I AM GRATEFUL, I SLEEP NEXT TO A PRINCE WHO IS MY SHINING KNIGHT IN ARMOUR AND PROTECTOR, EVERY NIGHT, YEAR AFTER YEAR, WITHOUT ANY ABUSE WHATSOEVER, NOT EVEN A WHINGE.

  

 

  

 

I WISH YOU WELL AND ALL THE BEST, MR SMARTY PANTS.

  

 

  

 

I HOPE THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME I EVER HAVE TO REPLY TO YOUR SORRY ABUSE MESSAGE.

  

 

  

 

I HOPE THAT YOU WILL STILL BE SURFING THE DR PHIL MESSAGE BOARD BEFORE YOU ARE SENT TO JAIL BY SOME MIRACLE.

  

 

  

 

ALREADY READING YOUR MESSAGE, INDEED, THE LEGAL SYSTEM APPEARS TO BE BIAS TOWARDS MEN SUCH AS YOURSELF AND OTHER INDIVIDUALS IN SOCIETY.

  

 

  

 

YOUR FORMER WIFE’S SO-CALLED ADMISSION FOR PSYCHIATRIC COUNSELLING HAS MEANT THAT THE SYSTEM IS FAILING TO SEE THAT YOU ARE THE REAL TROUBLEMAKER OR PROBLEM.

  

 

  

 

THEY HAVE ONLY USED HER PSYCHIATRIC CONDITION AS AN EXCUSE TO ALLOW YOU TO GET AWAY BADLY WITH THE ABUSES OR INCRIMINATING BEHAVIOURS THAT YOU INFLICTED ON YOUR WIFE.

  

 

  

 

AS I SAID, YOU SHOULD THANK YOUR LUCKY STARS SO FAR.

  

 

  

 

ALL THE BEST MR SMARTY PANTS.

  

 

  

 

THIS WILL BE MY LAST REPLY TO YOU.

  

 

  

 

UNFORTUNATELY, YOU ARE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO WILL NEITHER LISTEN NOR LEARN ANYTHING UNTIL YOU ARE PLACED IN SOME FORM OF SOLITARY CONFINEMENT.

  

 

  

 

I HOPE YOU CAN SAVE YOURSELF IN TIME, IF YOU HURRY SOON, YOU MIGHT JUST MAKE TO THE SHIP.

  

 

  

 

THAT IS HOW SMART YOU ARE MR SMARTY PANTS.

  

 

  

 

PEACE OUT.

  

 

  

 

ET

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

 

 

  

 

 

  

 

 

  

 

  

 

 
May 12, 2006, 4:33 am CDT

This show was on again yesterday......where is the outrage?

This show was on again yesterday....where is the outrage !  ?????  

   

Where is the outrage in our society?  

   

Are you still blaming the victims?  

   

Where is your outrage?  

 
May 13, 2006, 11:31 am CDT

Can a Leopard Change His Spots

Quote From: giffins

Can abusers change?  

   

I hope so...if not I am going to continue my work to try.  

   

I am a 32 year old single male, father of a wonderful 8 yr old boy. I am not currently with his mother. She is truly the love of my life and I hope someday that she will take me back.  

   

I grew up in a home where I listened and watched my father emotionally, verbally and mentally abuse my mother. I never saw any physical abuse but I am sure it happened, watched my mother and her mother, my grandmother, fist fight and I would try to break it up. My mother was just defending herself from a larger woman who was epleptic and evil. I was molested by a boy two years older than me when I was 4. It continued until I was 14. My brother who is 5 years younger than me in addition to being hit by me because I believed that my parents were not tough enough on him was also molested by the same boy who was 7 years older than him. The guilt that I have is tremendous regarding these matters.   

   

Over the 24 or 25 years I have been verbally, emotionally, mentally and/or physically abusive to the following people: my mother, my father, my brother, the mother of my son , her other son (not my son not that it matters...it is still abusive, a woman at work...and I have been very abusive towards myself.  

   

I remember when I was 8 yrs old I was in the back yard and I hit my mother with a rope...on PURPOSE. What kind of 8 yr old does that. The kind of 8 yr old that at the age of 32 ,on at least 4  different occasions, physically abused the woman I love. I do love her...I realize that I was wrong and that way she was acting...which she was NUMB...she did not have a job and did not do much all day, according to everyone else, even her own mother was and is a sick, lazy, antagonistic, mean individual. I feel like my actions...degrading her, calling her names, screaming at her, threatening to take things like her car, her engagement ring, even her son, away, not giving her money, not being supportive, coercing sex, offering to pay for sex, badgering her into performing sex acts that she did not want to do...simply put made her NUMB. Not able to cope, depressed, no self esteem, no being able to be a good mother, not feeling like she could find a job let alone keep one...just feeling worthless and NUMB. At the end of our relationshipshe could not fight...I believe she did not have the will. We were living with my mother with our son staying with her mother in a better part of town. She was living there because her mother and father kicked her out. Her eldest son who is 14 went to live with his father and our son stayed with his grandparents where I thought he would be best taken care of. I pushed for her to come and live with me when she was kicked out in November 2005...she came. Things were good for a couple of weeks maybe even a month.   

   

Now please understand that we have been toghther on and off for 11 years. It has been a rocky road each of us being abusive in our own ways. I started being abusive to her when she was 3 months pregnant. I backed her down with a balled up fist...I do not remember why or what was said...but that was the first of many abusive things. She also spent the summer of 2003 lying to me, stealing from me and cheating on me. Up until then I had not been physicall abusive with her. Since then I have pulled her hair and put my fist in her face, grabbed her aroung the neck, broken a car window, thrown her clothes and make up down a flight of stairs, tried kicking her in the back while she ran down stairs to get away from me, put my face right up against hers, spit in her face, kicked a chair into her knee, grabbed her, pushed her, punched her it the knee, the arm, and the head, twisted her wrist and hit her as hard as I could with a pillow about 10 times. WOW that is alot more than 4 times and I am sure I am missing a few.   

   

Back to what I was saying. So she is living with me at my mothers house. She said she would get a job soon after getting there. When she left in the middle of February she did not have one. From November to February we argued alot. When we argued my mother would always get involved and I would ask her to mind her own business...most times she would not. This made it worse. During this time I was very abusive...saying that my sons mother was a cheating slut and whore, that she was probably seeing other people while I was at work. I would call her every name in the book. I would say she was a bad mother. I would threaten to take her car away and kick her out on a frequent basis. I would tell her to give me the engagement ring back that she did not deserve it...one day she did. When she did not want to have sex or right after a fight i would offer her money for sexual favors. Physically...I grabbed her, kicked a chair into her knee, got into a fist fight with her while we were in a car...I twisted her wrist and punched her in the knee repeatedly...then there was the final morning that she woke up there. We had a good couple of days it was Monday night and we actually ahd sex. The next morning I woke up and I thought well we are getting along...maybe I can finally communicate with her...about getting a job...doing something to help us. Well that did not go well. She said the same things that she always said and I allowed it ot set me off. I told her to leave...she would not....I started screaming at her...then my mother chirped up and I screamed at her. I took some of her stuff out of the bedroom and put it in containers down stairs. She would not go saying that she would leave when i was gone...that she was scared. I actually moved a recliner that was next to where she was sleeping so I could get closer to her. I started screaming at the top of my lungs right in her face to get out...I punched her in the head...thank god not hard...this was actually an accident...I am way to affraid to actually leave any marks so she could press charges. Then I hit her with the pillow over and over...all the wile her crying like a little girl saying what the police told her to do if I get physically violent..."Put your hands over your face and head and curl up". She was crying saying this over and over. I stopped and went to work.  I went to see my son after work. His mother showed up there after I asked her not to. I left for a while. When I came back she left. That morning as I was leaving I told her that I would stay away from my mothers house that night so that she could have a place to stay. When I left my sons house I went to my mothers house to see if she was there. She was not. I went inside locked the doors and windows. She had a key for the backdoor but I had an inside door that i locked. After what had happened that morning, she came back at about 1 am. I told her she was not allowed to stay she needed to leave would not even let her use the bathroom. After all that I did to her she still wanted to come back. I walked some of her stuff outside and she left. Where she stayed that night I do not know. She wnet to her mothers about noo on Wednesday and was told to leave and come back when the kids come home at 3. When she did not her mother and father called the police. After a little while and her not wanting to leave she was arrested with the promise from the police that they would try and get her some mental help becuase she was out of it. I would be out of it too if I had been kicked out of an abusive house and relationship came to my mothers and was kicked out of there too. So now my sons mother is in prison where she spent the next 8 weeks until she was released and deemed competent by prison psychatrist. She is realeased and told she needs to get some mental help, get evaluated for having a drug and/or alcohol problem and she needs to get a job. Oh did I forget to mention that when she was arrested that her parents got a PFA with their names, my sons name, their residence and his school named in it. Oh also that the court saw fit to grant emergency temporary custody of my son to his grandparents for 18 months. So my sons mother is not legally allowed to see our son unless OKed by a judge with a visitation schedule. So my sons mother is asked by the judge if she would like to set up a visitation schedule at this time. My sons mother says no...she needs to get some help and get some stuff straight first. So now almost a month after court...3 months since she has seen our son last...she is living in homeless shelters...she still has not seen him. It is killing me. I have started to go to a counseling group for abusers...it is helping. I find it absouloutely amazing that when I tell people about how I abused my son mother...even the physical...people like our friends...my boss...even her mother somehow someway justify even if it is a little bit. It is NOT justified ever. I need to be and am responsible for my own actions. No matter what anyone else does or says to me...NO MATTER WHAT...I can not react the way I have learned to act. I need to be proactive and end the cycle of abuse. I am now trying to get custody of my son whom I am allowed to see when ever I want and do on a daily basis. His mother on the other hand is not allowed to see him. Her parents will not drop the PFA because they do not want things to go back to they way they were. Today I moved into an apartment away from my mother and away from my old way of life forever. I am going to change....I am not going to be abusive anymore to anyone. I just hope that I can help the innocent woman whom I made NUMB get feeling, life and self esteem back. Maybe someday after she sees that I have indeed changed then  we can start over.   

Can you change? I dont know...I understand your desire, but that is as far as it goes.  All I can tell you is my view "looking down the barrel of the gun" so to speak.  I feel like I have been driven to the brink of insanity by 'Billy".  I know what your girlfriend felt as you were screaming at her, threatning her, belittling her, spitting at her, I remember cowaring in a corner or at the floorboards of the car because i was out of reach, I remember curling up in a ball and buring my head into my chest, I remember screaming I'm sorry over his voice, I remember waiting for "an ass chewing" as soon as we got out of the public view.  I could not remember what I had done wrong though.  I remember being sick everyday of my life for a good part of eight years.  I remember not having one person to confide in.  I remember not having anyone to turn to other than "Billy" because I allowed him to take everything from me, my friends. my family, my self esteem, my self worth, my everything.  I held him up, I supported him, I was his punching bag.  This was not a very physically abusive realtionship but when it ended it was heading that way REAL FAST.  I had been threatened to be shot, hurt, killed, all of which i believed he would never actually do to me.  The scary thing is that I see now that I could have been and whats even scarier is that close mutual friends knew I would end up dead in a murder suicide with "Billy".  I have been in therapy going on two years now... When i started therapy i made a statement.  "Everything is my fault. I am not good enough and  I deserve my station in life.  I have done something bad in my life to deserve this".  I am still dealing with letting my self believe that this is not true...  I was never suicidal in the way that I wanted to actually physically kill myself but I wished death on myself.  I didnt care if I lived or died.  I didnt care if it hurt, I didnt care how it happened.  I prayed to the Lord for death.  I cried and screamed that He would take away my sorrow.  BY DEATH.  I see that I was just looking for peace.  I was having daily panic attacks that would cause me to choke at anytime, I was angry, sad, closed off, had no friends, was just so introverted.  I am on some major anti depressants now and wil continue them as they do help.  I know pills are not the only answer but thanks to a good Dr. and intesive sessions I am doing much better... I "broke up" with "Billy" last spring and it has taken me a year...A YEAR... to break away from him.  Break off communication, break off any contact with him, any ties that I have to him. The "love" that you have for this woman may be genuine to you, but you have not shown her anything but hate.  There is NO WAY that you will EVER EVER EVER be able to say or make up for the things you have done to her where she will ever trust you 100% again.  To do so, would be an unwise decision on her part.  The best way that you can show her your truly sorry for what you have done is to let her lead a good and happy life.. She is responsible for finding that now.  Not you.  Leave her alone. I know you both share a child... but you can respect distance and her by just staying away from her for good. Let her live.  Let her live a normal life.  Maybe someday she will see you have changed and THATS IT.  Be thankful for even just that.  Let her live in peace and just let her go. After all that is hapened... Think of her and give her one thing you never gave her, respect... leave her alone, let her live life as she should.... with feeling. 
 
May 14, 2006, 3:20 pm CDT

Allowing abuse to continue

Quote From: coffee831

I have to tell you that your post is of ignorance of the laws.  

   

Regardless of the beatings I took, the courts told me "I" would go to jail if I did not allow him to see them. There was concern for sexual abuse of my children as well. It was not until the sexual abuse was "PROVEN" that the courts finally stopped him from seeing them.  

   

Not even children's aide society could stop him from being with the children.  

   

So if you are so ashamed of what is happening, point that "ANGER" and disgust to the "LAWMAKERS" and get others involved in petitioning your government to make changes to the laws to protect ALL CHILDREN!  

   

What have you done? You have smeared and catagorized "YOUR GENDER" as incapable. I might suggest to you that you do a little research before you slam people like me.  

   

I have been to the government, fought for laws, fought children agencies, fought the courts, ignored court orders and ran for the sake of my children.  

   

I am ashamed of your post!  

Coffee  

 I laugh regarding the court system.  We are to "wait for that" to finally get it right "before" we protect our children and get them out of harm's way???? OH okay. Interesting reasoning. Alarming.

OH well, what's "one more time" of being abused anyways, right? They've lasted this long, so why not one more time, eh? I'd have my child in the car so fast and away into hiding in some other country if I had to, come what may. But if I "knew" that my child was being abused and even if a court of law said I had to turn them over again - over my dead body.

That's a real Momma Bear talking. And it's the way it should be. We put so much emphasis and blind trust in authority that guess what - might be wrong.  ya think?  It's like the priest who does little children but puts on the robes and acts all holy and we are to sit around and wait for the law to do it's job..........for children to be believed................for the church to do something............meanwhile..............how many years pass here? That child's life is destroyed and their faith nt he people who should have protected them - is destroyed.  I refer to the Catholic church adn their priest scandals for reference.

There are some boundaries you just don't cross if you call yourself a true caring human being. You can color it what you want but the bottomline is if you allow your child to suffer at the hands of an abuser one more day after that knowledge - you're as guilty as the lawmakes, as anyone else that hasn't gotten it right yet. How are you different?

And we wonder why we have kids on the street that just don't care if they hurt other people or not? Gee.........not rocket science. Being betrayed like this - gives them a huge push in that direction, ya think?

It's an excuse - all of it - for lack of courage, integrity, balls, and love for a child. I don't care if God himself said - Oh you know what.............that child has to go back to hell for a few months, okay? While investigate more, while we counsel the monster that did it, etc.  Uh like - No.  It's pretty black and white here. When do you know what you know and what do you DO about it. If you don't do, based on whatever excuse you choose at the moment - you're certainly not full of love for that chlild and that's more than plain to see.  But.........that's the reason we are in the shape we're in with the laws, lawyers, lawmakers and everything else because we play footsies here.  Eh, okay...........rape them one more time, it's okay. I'll look the other way and say - the devil made me do it or whatever.  You have all power over me and I'm just helpless to do anything about it. Boo-hoo.  But where are the tears for that child's one more time of being abused? Where's that?  I was abused for years and years and I had a mother just like this. So I know all about it - first hand. Excuse after excuse and I had a policeman years later tell me on his deathbed that he participated in bribes being taken to the judge regarding me being with my abuser. Lots of money.......lots of corruption. 

Yea, it takes a hero to do whatever to get a child out of that, come what may.  And even if they don't succeed at least "that child knows" someone..............cared. That someone gave their very life for them. If we do otherwise here, we're just blowing smoke up our own butts basically. Anyone with half a brain isn't convinced but we do lie best to ourselves.

 
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