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Topic : 05/04 Violent Love Intervention

Number of Replies: 299
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Created on : Thursday, April 27, 2006, 07:13:48 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
They’re slapped, beaten and bruised. Sometimes, the violence doesn’t end until they’re dead. Dr. Phil talks to women who say they are the victims of abuse and need an intervention before it’s too late. Michelle says her boyfriend, Ryan, flies off the handle over the smallest issues. She reveals that he began hitting her when she was pregnant with their son. Ryan says he can’t control his anger because his own dad was abusive with him as a child. Is it too late for Ryan to change? Then, Linda says her fiancé, Eddie, shot her in the eye and nearly killed her when she threatened to leave him. He’s now serving only four years in prison because, Linda says, she lied to the police and called the shooting accidental. Her mom, Jody, says she’s sickened that Linda still cares for the man who almost took her life. Will Linda stop loving the man who shot her and learn how to have healthy relationships? Talk about the show here.

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May 4, 2006, 10:30 am CDT

95 % of all abusers are MEN and women and children are dieing on a daily basis from the men and their violence

Quote From: somawas

and I was just a little upset.  At the very beginning, Dr. Phil said that he wanted to unmask  hidden problems.  The he talked about "people" in violent relationships.  And from there went on to the topic of "women" in abusive relationships.  Dr. Phil, in my estimation, fell into the politically correct , but intellectually dishonest trap of feminizing victimization in domestic violence. 

Women are violent toward domestic partners, too.  Frequently with very damaging results.  I have no quarrel with the discussion that Dr. Phil had.  But I think he missed an opportunity to humanize the issue by both the language of women and victimization and by omitting talking about female offenders.

95 % of all Abusers and Batterers are MEN.  Heterosexual men in relationships with women.   

   

A sad state of affairs but TRUE.  

   

And of the 5 % of Abusers and Batterers that ARE NOT....that 5 % also includes Males in Homosexual partnerships, Lesbians who Batter their partner, and yes  women who abuse or batter their heterosexual male partners.  

   

THE OVERWHELMING ISSUE OF POWER AND CONTROL, ABUSE AND BATTERING IS HAPPENING  AROUND THE CORNER AND UP THE STREET FROM YOU IN THIS COUNTRY AND AROUND THE WORLD ...AND THE PERPETRATORS ARE MEN IN HETEROSEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS....AGAINST THEIR WOMEN AND CHILDREN.   

   

This was not a politically correct approach......this was the COLD HARD TRUTH......THE FACTS ARE RIGHT ON......AND UNFORTUNATELY DEAD ON.  

   

Please won't you become part of the solution to this overwhelming horrific societal problem.  

   

Thanking you in advance.  

   

    

 
May 4, 2006, 10:32 am CDT

Just Do It

Quote From: gw151873

Iam married to a abusive guy mostly physical and mental abuse, yesterday I mowed the grass, and of course it was wrong, then he had me clean the wood stove i didn't do that write either, then he brought me some dirt to put in our garden he says i don't know how to spread it out write, if i paint it is sloppy he says if i clean or make supper i don't do a good enough job, if i discipline or don't discipline our children i don't do that write, I helped him one day reinsulate the outdooor stove he got mad because he didn't think i was doing it write, he threw a carpet knife at me and attempted to hit me with a shovel, i ran in the house he ran after me and then threw me on the floor, my whole side ached for days he told me he didn't feel that i was helping write, we have a pet rabbit and he has a litter box well one day he bathroomed on the floor by accident because he got startled over some noise the tv made he also chews on things in the house my husband told me that i don't get after the rabbit enough and that i didn't care if the house got wrecked which is not true because iam always trying to improve the house by painting and cleaning and buying things to make it look nice, he got angry at me and flipped the rabbit cage in the air and the rabbit came running out but was not hurt he then ran after me and got in my face and told me that he would like nothing more than to just kill me. i told him then just let me leave he wouldn't he once kicked me out and told me i couldn't take the car and told me to start walking so i did and then he stopped me and wouldn't let me leave he everytime i have attempted to leave he ripped the wires out of the phone, jumped on my car so i couldn't leave took my car keys, i don't understand it he says he loves me and our children then why does he treat me this way and if they truly love you why do they kick you out but then don't really want you to leave, i have put him in jail many times for choking me, punching me, throwing things at me you name it and everytime it turned out to be my fault his family would all gang up on me to make it look like i was really bad news, my husband is an alcoholic and has been for years and everyday he calls me names like b---, wh---, sl---, bad mother, lover , fat ugly you name it, everyone tells me to leave but i have no self-esteem i have never felt like anyone else would want me how do i raise my self-esteem and leave him?

Do you have enough self esteem to want to live?  He belittles you, he beats you.   He said he'd like to just kill you.  And he WILL kill you, it's just a matter of time.    

   

Do you love your children enough to save them?  Once you are dead he's likely to start beating them if he hasn't already.  And they will grow up to accept abuse as normal.  They will either suffer like you do or become abusers themselves.  Is that what you want for your children?  

   

Why does he do this if he loves you?  Answer:  He doesn't love you.  He doesn't love anyone.  And you cannot fix that for him.  You cannot love him enough to change him.  No one can.  He says love but he means ownership and control.  He gets off on hurting you because for the time he's beating you he feels powerful and stops feeling like the weak sub-human he is.   This is not about you, no matter what he says - it's about his inability to deal with the fact that he is a loser.   Instead of making himself better, he tries to bring you down to his level so he has someone he can feel superior to - and you are allowing it.  

   

Take the kids and LEAVE NOW, DO NOT WAIT.  Call the cops and get an escort.  Put your kids first, if you don't care about yourself.  

   

Go to family (yours!).  Go to friends.   Go to family of friends.   Go to a shelter if you have to but get as far away from him as is possible.   

   

Do NOT tell him or anyone he knows where you go.  If he and his family don't like it - too damn bad.   This is his fault - not yours.    

   

Get a restraining order (won't stop him but it's an important legal tool).  You've got enough history with this jerk that you shouldn't have any trouble convincing a judge you need the legal protection.  

   

Divorce the cretin and don't let the kids see him - they need to be protected from him.  

   

And what if no one else ever wants you?  So what - that's a possibility all of us face.   There are no guarantees and we all have to work with what we've got today.  And what you've got today is a short life to a bad end with someone who will kill you.    You are better off being alone and alive than the dead wife of an abuser.    

   

 
May 4, 2006, 10:34 am CDT

never love and fear together, NEVER

Quote From: adrien

 That might be one of your morals or how you were raised but  a relationship is different for everyone.  There have been times I have been scared at school by a teacher that I have always loved and I know cares about her students.  There can be fear and love in the same house but it should only go to a certain extent.  If the fear has to deal with death or being hurt then of course its not love but if the fear is in way that someone is trying to help you then it could still be love. So maybe we shouldn't speak for everybody, just what we feel or what our morals are.
                         Adrien
I am catapulted back with this show and this message board and yet it's like an old rerun of a movie that I cannot turn off.  No fear!!! Not even to a certain degree.. EVER... there is love, beautiful love, boring, sometimes when you are just doing the laundry, or cleaning, but LOVE, not waiting in trepidation until he comes home, with anxious knots in your stomach because of something he might do, or find fault with, whether it's you, or the house, or the children, if you have any.  Because he will find something, no matter how small.  Does he look at what you did all day long??? How clean the house is, or the wonderful dinner cooking???? NO... he looks at the fact you didn't clean the bathroom properly, and so it begins again.  Find the help that you need, please!!!! Learn to understand what normal is within a relationship, how to begin to love yourself deep down inside... so that no one can ever call you names, hurt you with their words, or their hands.  Love only.. never fear......
 
May 4, 2006, 10:37 am CDT

Been there, too

Quote From: dolphine

I've been there and done that!  

I was with my sons dad for 10 years. he was always calling me a stupid *itch, a *unt....name it I was called it! Until one day my son woke up and started to call me the same things.WOW I couldn't beleive it! I was like holly crap what I'm I doing with this person. I know that you don't want to live cause you love him and Blah blah blah. But you know what? my relationship was so screwed that my ex husband use to tell me that he will kill me and no one will find me. Well one day my son heard him say that to me......And when it was time to put my son to bed at night he would tell me. Mommy are you going to be alive tomorow morning? Or he would say. Mommy is dad really going to kill you and put you somewere that I won't see you again? 

That was the last of!!! I had enough! 

Just because you are expecting a child and think that will chage the relationship! think again!!!!! 

It doesn't my Dear! 

Anyhow...you will do what you want! 

Just save yourself and that baby that you think you are about to have. 

Good luck to you. 

Josee. 

I have been in the verbally abusive situation with one person and the physically abusive situation with another, so it seems that once you accept the situation with one partner, it's what you think you deserve from there on out. The ironic part is that everyone always tells me what a strong person I am. These are people that had no idea what was going on behind closed doors.  

  

The abusive situation is the one that I want to talk about. The abuse came mostly due to jealousy caused, I think, by the knowledge that he knew he was cheating on me. It got so bad that I gained over 100 lbs. while he and I were together unconsciously trying to make myself less attractive to anyone that might have shown me any interest. Believe me it worked! He moved on to thinner pastures and has since deceased but the emotional scars that he left with me and the body I look at everyday will last forever. 

  

Fortunately I met a wonderful man who accepts me as I am and has encouraged me to be me. I've always been an outgoing person, never meeting a stranger, always listening to everyone's problems, and am glad that I can do these things without hearing about them from a negative connatation daily. 

  

You can rise above the abuse. You can be accepted for who you are and not what someone else would want you to be. Man doesn't give you the right or freedom to be yourself, God gave you this right when you were born. Don't let any man (or woman, because I recognize that men can be abused just as easily as women ) strip these rights from you.   

 
May 4, 2006, 10:38 am CDT

No Way

There is no way a woman should still want to be with somebody after they shoot her. She needs serious help.  About 9 years ago, I was in a relationship and ended up married to this guy.  He would cuss at me, hit me while I was pregnant, got me into doing drugs. He was so awful. But I was stupid back then and kept going back to him. Then I realized that he was ruining my life and I had to get out.  Luckily, he ended up in prison for something else and then that's when I divorced him. I have a 9 year old with him, but she doesnt remember him and I dont care if this is wrong, I plan on keeping it that way.  This lady needs to wake up.  If I ended up getting shot in the eye by someone I was with, I would make sure that his butt ended up in jail for the rest of his life.  She needs ALOT of counseling and she needs to get her self esteem back.  I just hope that she gets the help that she needs.  My life is so much better now.  I am married again to a wonderful man.  We have been married for 3 years and our anniversary is coming up on the 17th.  We have a 2 year old and my 9 year old considers him her daddy.  We have our own business, so my life is so much better than it was 9 years ago.  I just hope she will get all the help she needs and get on with her life WITHOUT HIM!
 
May 4, 2006, 10:40 am CDT

Michelle we love you

Quote From: dolphine

I've been there and done that!  

I was with my sons dad for 10 years. he was always calling me a stupid *itch, a *unt....name it I was called it! Until one day my son woke up and started to call me the same things.WOW I couldn't beleive it! I was like holly crap what I'm I doing with this person. I know that you don't want to live cause you love him and Blah blah blah. But you know what? my relationship was so screwed that my ex husband use to tell me that he will kill me and no one will find me. Well one day my son heard him say that to me......And when it was time to put my son to bed at night he would tell me. Mommy are you going to be alive tomorow morning? Or he would say. Mommy is dad really going to kill you and put you somewere that I won't see you again? 

That was the last of!!! I had enough! 

Just because you are expecting a child and think that will chage the relationship! think again!!!!! 

It doesn't my Dear! 

Anyhow...you will do what you want! 

Just save yourself and that baby that you think you are about to have. 

Good luck to you. 

Josee. 

Michelle come home with the baby.  Love Mom 

 
May 4, 2006, 10:41 am CDT

I am

Quote From: flthomcat

So glad I chose to volunteer at our children's school instead of watching the show. 

  

It is EVER SO SIMPLE:  If "love" hurts, than it ain't love!!! 

  

And if you and the guy are fighting before you're married, it's a sure thing that fighting will get worse. Normal people are on their best behavior during the dating phase. If they're not, that's your sign to GET OUT of the relationship. 

  

If you don't love yourself, you'll accept physical and/or emotional abuse. Learn to love yourself first (and respect yourself) and you won't be willing to allow anyone to treat you badly. And if you have children, you OWE IT TO THEM to get them away from any form of abuse. It's your responsiblity and it's not solely about you anymore. They will become you...either an abusive person or a very passive one with low self esteem. Do NOT do that to your children; they didn't ask to be born! 

  

Perhaps when families get stronger and stay together (and worship together), chidren will have a better chance of growing up emotionally happy. With the low value placed on traditional families (where the kids were top priority and mommy's/daddy's needs didn't come FIRST), we've seen abuse sky rocket. The two ARE related! As a society, we should be realizing that the strong famiy unit (with good morals, values and a strong work ethic) is what produces the healthiest women (and men). Untiil we mend the family and start valuing it, things will not improve! 

I am so happy that you have never had a relation that has never turn abusive.  Please don't pass judgement on someone else because they have.  Sometimes it is easier said than done for someone to leave a abusive relationship and until you know that first hand don't pass judgement.
 
May 4, 2006, 10:43 am CDT

I'm

Quote From: flthomcat

So glad I chose to volunteer at our children's school instead of watching the show. 

  

It is EVER SO SIMPLE:  If "love" hurts, than it ain't love!!! 

  

And if you and the guy are fighting before you're married, it's a sure thing that fighting will get worse. Normal people are on their best behavior during the dating phase. If they're not, that's your sign to GET OUT of the relationship. 

  

If you don't love yourself, you'll accept physical and/or emotional abuse. Learn to love yourself first (and respect yourself) and you won't be willing to allow anyone to treat you badly. And if you have children, you OWE IT TO THEM to get them away from any form of abuse. It's your responsiblity and it's not solely about you anymore. They will become you...either an abusive person or a very passive one with low self esteem. Do NOT do that to your children; they didn't ask to be born! 

  

Perhaps when families get stronger and stay together (and worship together), chidren will have a better chance of growing up emotionally happy. With the low value placed on traditional families (where the kids were top priority and mommy's/daddy's needs didn't come FIRST), we've seen abuse sky rocket. The two ARE related! As a society, we should be realizing that the strong famiy unit (with good morals, values and a strong work ethic) is what produces the healthiest women (and men). Untiil we mend the family and start valuing it, things will not improve! 

I'm happy you have never been in a abusive relationship.  Sometimes it is easier said than done so please don't pass judgement on someone else unless you have walked in their shoes. 
 
May 4, 2006, 10:51 am CDT

05/04 Violent Love Intervention

Quote From: somawas

and I was just a little upset.  At the very beginning, Dr. Phil said that he wanted to unmask  hidden problems.  The he talked about "people" in violent relationships.  And from there went on to the topic of "women" in abusive relationships.  Dr. Phil, in my estimation, fell into the politically correct , but intellectually dishonest trap of feminizing victimization in domestic violence. 

Women are violent toward domestic partners, too.  Frequently with very damaging results.  I have no quarrel with the discussion that Dr. Phil had.  But I think he missed an opportunity to humanize the issue by both the language of women and victimization and by omitting talking about female offenders.

You do realize that, while there are cases of domestic violence committed by women, such cases make up a small percentage of total incidents?  The majority of domestic violence is committed AGAINST women.  So while it is a problem in a (relatively) few cases for men, there is greater need among the female population that would seem to be Dr. Phil's focus.    

   

In 2001, women accounted for 85 percent of the victims of intimate partner violence (588,490 total) and men accounted for approximately 15 percent of the victims (103,220 total).   Source:   Bureau of Justice Statistics Crime Data Brief, Intimate Partner Violence, 1993-2001, February 2003   

  

Women are much more likely than men to be killed by an intimate partner. In 2000, intimate partner homicides accounted for 33.5 percent of the murders of women and less than four percent of the murders of men.   Source:   Bureau of Justice Statistics Crime Data Brief, Intimate Partner Violence, 1993-2001, February 2003   

   

In 2001, intimate partner violence made up 20 percent of violent crime against women. The same year, intimate partners committed three percent of all violent crime against men.  Source:   Bureau of Justice Statistics Crime Data Brief, Intimate Partner Violence, 1993-2001, February 2003   


Male violence against women does much more damage than female violence against men; women are much more likely to be injured than men.   Source:   Murray A. Straus and Richard J. Gelles, Physical Violence in American Families, 1990   


  

 
May 4, 2006, 10:59 am CDT

My Abusive relationship with children

Hi My name is Michelle, I was in an abusive relationship for too many years. My relationship started in high school my freshman year. He didn't start out abusing me but he was extremely jealous. He would control everything from what I wore to school, who I talked too. We made it to our junior year and I ended up pregnant. I noticed that the jealousy was stopping alittle since I was pregnant and I thought it was because he was finally secure that I was his and he didn't have to worry about another guy taking me. We moved into our first place together on our own when our son was 2 months old. Before he was a year old we started fighting all the time and he would call me names and cut me down so it started with the verbal abuse. That very quickly turned into physical abuse and the first time he hit me I pressed charges on him and he went to jail for 20 some days and was put on house arrest. After he was released from jail he contacted me and wanted to see our son. I went to the place he was staying so he could see his son. We stayed apart for about a year and then he started saying he wanted me back, he changed, he would never do it again. Loving this man still I believed him and went back to him. We were back together for 3 months and I found out I was pregnant again. Things were looking great with him, I thought I got the man I fell in love with back. Our daughter was born and things were good for about a year, we started arguing over money and anything and everything else you could imagine. Then the name calling started again and I told him I was leaving unless he got help. He promised he would stop and he would get help. One day we woke up fighting and yelling and then it happened, he knocked me to the floor and sat on my chest and put his hand around my throat and started choking me. I can remember trying to fight him off of me and then I remember feeling my arms getting weaker and weaker, my vision started getting blurry and then everything went black. When I came to my son at the time who was 3 was sitting beside me on the floor screaming and crying " Mommy wake up". When I opened my eyes my son started crying even harder and he grabbed me  started hugging me and he asked me why I didn't wake up when he was telling me to wake up. I had no response for him I just told him I was awake now and everything was going to be ok from then on.  I got some help from some friends and they moved him out of my house since my dad paid the deposit and rent for the place. I have been apart from him for 4 1/2 years now and I am very proud of myself for getting help out of this relationship. I vowed that day that I was not going to let my son grow up thinking it is ok to hit women or my daughter grow up thinking that it is ok to let a man hit you. I knew I could not teach my children it was wrong if I was letting their father do it to their mother. Any woman or man out there who thinks they are staying for the children needs to know they are not helping them by staying you are hurting your children more by staying. No child deserves to go through what my son went through that day. There is a good partner for you out there somewhere and you will find them someday. I had met a man 6 months after leaving the abuse. We have been together for 4 years and we have a 3 year old boy together. Since the separation my ex has not came around much, in fact this year (2006) he has spent 2 hours with our kids. My husband now has taken over the father figure for them. My daughter thinks of him as her one and only dad since he has been raising her since she was 2. My oldest son thinks of him as dad too but we have a few issues with him since he was older and remembers his real dad more but for the most part my husband is dad in his eyes and he knows who he can depend on which is the most important thing.  I can say when I was watching the show I related the most to Ryan & Michelle and I want to say if there is anyone who can relate to the show needs to get help for the problems or just get out of the relationship period.  

 
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