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Topic : 05/04 Violent Love Intervention

Number of Replies: 299
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Thursday, April 27, 2006, 07:13:48 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
They’re slapped, beaten and bruised. Sometimes, the violence doesn’t end until they’re dead. Dr. Phil talks to women who say they are the victims of abuse and need an intervention before it’s too late. Michelle says her boyfriend, Ryan, flies off the handle over the smallest issues. She reveals that he began hitting her when she was pregnant with their son. Ryan says he can’t control his anger because his own dad was abusive with him as a child. Is it too late for Ryan to change? Then, Linda says her fiancé, Eddie, shot her in the eye and nearly killed her when she threatened to leave him. He’s now serving only four years in prison because, Linda says, she lied to the police and called the shooting accidental. Her mom, Jody, says she’s sickened that Linda still cares for the man who almost took her life. Will Linda stop loving the man who shot her and learn how to have healthy relationships? Talk about the show here.

Find out what happened on the show.

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May 4, 2006, 12:25 pm CDT

To Michelle from Carol

Michelle!  Dump Ryan..  He will NEVER change.  I was married to a lunatic like him who assaulted me and battered me.  He went to jail and I unloaded his sorry ass.  It wouldn't matter if Ryan were married to you or "Jennifer Annistan."  He would still act out his rage because abuse in is their bloodstreams. Abusers do not know how to change.   Domestic Violence against women states that only 1 in 1 million abusers against women become former abusers.   This is a fact!  Please dump him/  He  will find someone else to beat up on in 6 months, mark my words.  Please save yourself and you child and get him out of your life so that you can get on with your life. 
 
May 4, 2006, 12:26 pm CDT

Your Rights!

Your rights in ANY relationship:

  

 

  

 

Please check out this web site:  http://www.wadv.org/rights.htm

  

 

  

 

Q

  

 

 
May 4, 2006, 12:30 pm CDT

Ryan

 

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

Abuse is never o.k. !!!!!!!  I hope before the sun goes down tonight that your darling little son is removed from your home.   

 

Michelle if you can't and don't want to go home with your mother then please go to a women's shelter for the safety of you and your precious baby.   

 
May 4, 2006, 12:30 pm CDT

Love

Quote From: adrien

 That might be one of your morals or how you were raised but  a relationship is different for everyone.  There have been times I have been scared at school by a teacher that I have always loved and I know cares about her students.  There can be fear and love in the same house but it should only go to a certain extent.  If the fear has to deal with death or being hurt then of course its not love but if the fear is in way that someone is trying to help you then it could still be love. So maybe we shouldn't speak for everybody, just what we feel or what our morals are.
                         Adrien

To love you have make yourself emotionally vulnerable.  This implies trust.  Fear and trust don’t mix.  It is normal protect yourself from things that will damage you emotionally.  Emotionally healthy people take care of themselves.  A normal reaction to fear would be to take measures to protect you from the harm that might come.  After that teacher scared you, a normal reaction would be to step back and protect yourself until you could trust that you would be safe with that person again.  If this happened enough a healthy reaction would be to with hold your love and make yourself less emotionally vulnerable. 

  

 

  

 

So how can you love someone you cannot trust?

  

 

  

 

There might be a desire for love or dependence or a fondness or admiration or a sense of responsibility but how can you love someone and have fear that they might hurt you at the same time?

  

 

 

  

 

I still contend that fear and love cannot live in the same house.

  

 

 

  

 

This is not about morals or values this is about being emotionally healthy and taking care to stay that way.  Healthy people don't make themselves emotionally vulnerable to people they do not trust.

  

 

  

 

The English language uses the word love to mean many different things.  What I am talking about is the love that two people share, the relationship kind of love that is earned and requires trust. The fulfilling richest kind of love that is earned when we take care of our relationships rather then take advantage of them.    This kind of love is balanced and requires that both parties are full participants.  You can have this kind of love with your spouse, parents, kids, and friends just about anyone who you trust with your emotional health.  The rest of those things we call love are just cheep second class goods.  We teach our kids what love is by the way we treat them.  If we use fear then they will have no idea what they are missing when they are in a bad relationship. 

  

 

 
May 4, 2006, 12:30 pm CDT

Abusive Relationships

I was in an abusive relationship off and on from 10th grade until I was 25 years old.  We got married when I was 23 years old.  When I married him, he had just gotten out of the Persian Gulf War and was dealing with problems from the war.  At first it was verbal abuse, then it moved on to physical abuse.  When I was 8 months pregnant, my then mother in law had to pull my ex off of me because he was beating me in the head.  I stayed with him the whole time, taking him to VA appointments and trying to help him out by supporting him and participating in his counseling sessions.  It wasn't until he signed himself out of a VA hospital AMA (against medical advice) that I left him.  I had an 8 month old son and I knew iI couldn't keep putting him through this (sadly, I wasn't even thinking about myself at this point).  Amazingly, even though I had moved out and left him, we were still going to counseling together and trying to work things out.  It wasn't until he hit me in the car on night when I was taking him home that made me see the light.  My son was in the back seat.  That was the first time that he had ever hit me in front of my son.  I vowed then and there not to ever let my child watch me be a victim.  So, I filed for divorce.  I was still going through counseling while trying to pick up the pieces in my life.  My son was so traumatized by this at 8 motnhs old that if a man raised his voice (even a little bit) he went hysterical.  I also got help for him as well.   

   

Before I went through this I thought to myself while watching these talk shows, "Why doesn't she leave him"?  or "I can't believe she still loves him despite all of the abuse".  Now that I have been there, it really upsets me how people can sit there and say "If my man ever hit me I would be out the door.  How can anyone ever put up with that."  NO ONE can EVER know how that feels until you have been through it yourself.   

   

In 1999 I met a wonderful man named Rob.  He was patient with me and helped me work through the issues that I brought into this relationship.  I was so bad that whenever he wanted to hug me, he had to stand across the room and hold his arms out.  I had to come to him for a hug... otherwise I would cringe because I thought  I was going to be hit again.  For the first time in my life I feel both physically and emotionally safe.  This wonderful man has been a father to my oldest child and we have 2 more beautiful children together.  He and I have been married for 5 years now and together for 7.     

   

Does the pain ever go away?  No.  My husband can innocently say something (almost 9 years later) and my mind goes back to what it went through with my ex. I am in the process now of getting some more extensive counseling to deal with my past.  My heart goes out to all of the people on Today's show that are going through or have gone through abuse.  The hardest thing for me to accept is that the man I fell in love with in school is basically dead.  That man is no longer alive..... and yet, he is still physically walking around.  It is very hard to deal with.  There was a comment made on the show today "The verbal abuse hurts worse than the physical abuse".  That is sooooo true.  The wounds can go away slowly.  If you endure and deal with verbal abuse for so long, you almost start to be programmed to believe what your abusive spouse is telling you.  And I heard it all "NO man will ever love you or want you again."  You are useless and you can't make it without me."     

   

I really hope these women get help and are able to get out of these abusive relationships before it's too late!   

 
May 4, 2006, 12:36 pm CDT

Did anyone notice

Did anyone notice today while watching Dr.Phil...when they were telling Linda's story...when they first showed her it was her right eye that had been shot...when they showed...the 911 call and the man who was on the phone with 911...was talking and he said put a towel on your head...and then they showed Linda's face it was her left eye....did anyone else catch that.....if so please explain..
 
May 4, 2006, 12:37 pm CDT

Why does he do it? Can he change?

Why does he do it?  

  

http://www.acadv.org/abusers.html  

  

Read Lundy Bancroft’s  Why Does He Do That?  Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men  

  

Can he change?  

  

Promises, promises and more promises….  Is that what you are hearing?  

  

Where is the ACTION?  

  

Has your abuser committed to LONG TERM counseling?  

Has he been in counseling for at least 6 months?  

Has he voiced ANY acknowledgement that he is cause of HIS behavior?  

Has he stopped blaming?  

Has he stopped trying to coerce or manipulate a reconciliation?  

  

Here are some more sites about change:  

http://www.oprah.com/relationships/relationships_content.jhtml?contentId=con_20041103_drstosny_02.xml   

http://www.oprah.com/relationships/relationships_content.jhtml?contentId=con_20041103_drstosny_03.xml   

http://www.oprah.com/relationships/relationships_content.jhtml?contentId=con_20041103_drstosny_04.xml   

   

Q   

   

   

  

 

   

 

   

 
May 4, 2006, 12:39 pm CDT

Red Flags!

What are the red flags check some of these out!  

   

http://www.drjoecarver.com/loser.html  

http://www.missourishores.com/Articles/red_flags.htm  

http://www.boomeranglove.com/redflags.htm  

http://www.geocities.com/m020606/behaviors.html  

   

   

Q  

 
May 4, 2006, 12:39 pm CDT

no way

there is no excuse for abuse. we can't even kick a cat, so why do it to someone we supposedly love? any form of abuse reeks of control and unresolved anger. why do women have to tolerate this hideous, senseless act? a lone--time small does of this of this may be accepted, but never repeated even in the face of provocation.  

  

it might be time to re--assess our sense of self--respect, honor of boundaries and possibility of co-dependency. this long chapters of violence is not healthy, to say the least. it robs us of our own dignity which is the one thing that marks our vey birthright as a human being. this goes for men as well.  

 
May 4, 2006, 12:43 pm CDT

How can I help my friend?

LISTEN. 

BELIEVE. 

DON’T JUDGE! 

OFFER SUPPORT, EDUCATION, OPTIONS! 

 

Need more resources about what you can do to help a victim of abuse. 

 

http://www.acadv.org/friends.html 

http://www.wadv.org/helping.htm 

http://www.casa-stpete.org/gethelp.htm#3

  

 

  

 
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