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Topic : 05/04 Violent Love Intervention

Number of Replies: 299
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Created on : Thursday, April 27, 2006, 07:13:48 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
They’re slapped, beaten and bruised. Sometimes, the violence doesn’t end until they’re dead. Dr. Phil talks to women who say they are the victims of abuse and need an intervention before it’s too late. Michelle says her boyfriend, Ryan, flies off the handle over the smallest issues. She reveals that he began hitting her when she was pregnant with their son. Ryan says he can’t control his anger because his own dad was abusive with him as a child. Is it too late for Ryan to change? Then, Linda says her fiancé, Eddie, shot her in the eye and nearly killed her when she threatened to leave him. He’s now serving only four years in prison because, Linda says, she lied to the police and called the shooting accidental. Her mom, Jody, says she’s sickened that Linda still cares for the man who almost took her life. Will Linda stop loving the man who shot her and learn how to have healthy relationships? Talk about the show here.

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May 4, 2006, 7:19 am CDT

I disagree

Quote From: lh2000

This is not Love on either side.   

  

If someone is beating hurting you and you are afraid of the person what you feel for that person can't be love.   

  

If you have to control someone then you can't love them.   

  

Love and Fear do not live in the same house ever.   

  

If you don't understand that then you probably don't know what it is really liked to be loved or to love another. 

 That might be one of your morals or how you were raised but  a relationship is different for everyone.  There have been times I have been scared at school by a teacher that I have always loved and I know cares about her students.  There can be fear and love in the same house but it should only go to a certain extent.  If the fear has to deal with death or being hurt then of course its not love but if the fear is in way that someone is trying to help you then it could still be love. So maybe we shouldn't speak for everybody, just what we feel or what our morals are.
                         Adrien
 
May 4, 2006, 7:31 am CDT

resources

websites         

www.youarenotcrazy.com         

www.dririene.com         

www.abnet.org         

www.womenslaw.org         

www.acadv.org         

www.leavingabuse.com         

www.ndvh.org         

www.actabuse.com         

www.verbalabuse.com         

www.lilaclane.com         

www.womanabuseprevention.com         

www.stopthehurt.com         

www.healthyplace.com         

www.drjoecarver.com         

www.endabuse.org         

www.domesticviolence.org         

www.joy2meu.com         

www.silcom.com/paladin/madv/         

also type in "power & control wheel" & "equality wheel" in your search engine.         

          

books         

"Co-dependant no more by Melody Beattie         

"why does he do that?  Inside the minds of angry & controlling men", "The batterer as a parent", & "When daddy hurts mommy" by Lundy Bancroft (also www.lundybancroft.com)         

"the emotionally abusive relationship" & "Breaking the cycle"  by Beverly Engel (also www.beverlyengel.com)         

"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward         

"The verbally abusive realationship" & "Controlling people"  by Patrice Evans         

"Dangerous realtionships" by Noelle Nelson, PhD         

"It's my life now:starting over after an abusive relationship" by Meg Kennedy Dugan & Roger Hock         

"No visible wounds" by Mary Susan Miller PhD         

          

The national domestic violence hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).            

Domestic violence centers have many free programs and help available from support groups to legal advocates. Call them. 

 
May 4, 2006, 7:35 am CDT

05/04 Violent Love Intervention

I, too, was involved in an abusive marriage; "only" hit three times, but most of the abuse was emotional and verbal.  Unless you have been in the same situation, it is very difficult to understand why victims stay involved with their abusers.  I know I stayed because I had been stripped of friends other than those that he chose, was estranged from my family, and had absolutely no belief in myself after all those years of mind games and hearing what a horrible person I was.  I found the strength to confide in a male friend about what was happening (thinking I might get a male's perspective) and slowly gained the confidence to leave.  My "lightbulb moment" came when my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer and given six months to live; I informed my then husband that I wanted to move in with my parents at the end of her life to help my father care for her at home, to which he inquired why I'd want to do that and who was going to take care of him!  I left, spent precious time with my mother, and divorced him.  I have been threatened, stalked, harrassed, and still suffer from nightmares, but I have remarried a wonderful man who loves me unconditionally and now have three great kids...I have found out what it is like to actually breathe deeply without fear and to enjoy life!  Please, all of you dealing with this, PLEASE, get counseling to help regain your inner strength; you and only you can weigh the decision of whether your relationship is worth saving or not.  Remember that a relationship takes two people, and if you've been reduced to nothing, you're not really in a relationship anymore.  We owe it to our children-the future-to create healthy people that can change the world, and you can't do that without believing in yourself.  Get some help to bring back who you were before the relationship started, regain respect for yourself, and make a decision that is right for you and any children you might have-we owe it to them.  Take care.
 
May 4, 2006, 7:38 am CDT

About Ryan and Linda

        I never heard the possibility of Ryan having control issues mentioned.I think he does have a lot of anger bottled up over the abuse he went through,but I also suspect control has something to do with it as well.Just do as I say,and you won't get hurt.Sounds like a terrorist control tactic to me. 

       As for Linda,that story just left me speechless.I never understood women like that,to go back into a relationship like that is signing your own death warrant.I hope she gets her life together,I really do. 

 
May 4, 2006, 7:39 am CDT

Be good to your daughters!

I was reading the Dr. Phil recap.  Linda could have been a carbon copy of my best friend.  My friend is such a kind and beautiful person, but in high school she would always manage to find the guy that would slap her around.  At first I thought it was just her bad luck.  She married a guy that hit her all the time and she took up drinking as her way to cope with the abuse her husband dealt her.  They had a beautiful daughter in the middle of all of this.  I recieved countless calls in the middle of the night from her describing what her husband had now done to her.  I would beg her to leave him, offer her my house to stay in, but she would never take me or anyone else up on it.  I could not for the life of me understand how such a bright, beautiful and articulate person could be living this life.  Didn't this only happen in trailer parks to people that had no family?  One day she told me that she had been molested as a small child by a family member that had since passed away and never told anyone.    

   

Her and her husband are going through divorce proceedings, but I still think she would take him back if he asked her to.  She has been in rehab and AA for her drinking, but nothing has seemed to work yet.  She is now living in a hotel with a new guy, who doesn't seem much better than her husband.  I just keep praying that she finds her way and gets the help that she needs.  Her family has tried to help, but they have exhausted their resources and taken custody of her daughter and cut my friend off until she has curtailed her drinking.    

   

I have never felt so helpless in my life.  I wish there was a way to get her help.  She is a wonderful person that was robbed of her innocense as a kid and cannot get past it.  I see people on this board telling the women to get a backbone and just walk away.  I understand that thinking process, if I had not seen someone I love going through it I would probably be saying the same thing.  Heck, I've told her to just walk away a thousand times.  I think it is so much deeper than a matter of walking away.  I think these women have been in environments that they were mistreated and their view of love has been distorted by evil acts and this is what they feel they are worth.  My friend once told me that once a person is abused they can never be worth anything, they are tainted and should not taint the people who are good.  I tried to tell her that she was not a rotting apple that would only contaminate healthy fruit and that she could use this experience to help others be more aware of the signs of abuse or help women who have been through what she has.  I dont think she can see past her deamons.     

 
May 4, 2006, 7:42 am CDT

05/04 Violent Love Intervention

Quote From: bluedane2

Thank you for having the decency to put your child first.  And for the love of God, don't take this guy back.  Continue the good relationship you guys have now, living apart and leave it at that.  Good for you!!!!!!!!!!!
Good job Mom for putting your son first!  When I was involved with my former husband, after years of "discussions" about having children, I finally realized that I could not bring a child into this world and risk their life because of who I was married to.  That helped me later on when I made the decision to leave him (I'd thought for a while that I might be able to just focus on him, and forget my desire to have children, but he got more violent).  I tried to "fix" my husband for years, but he was convinced there was nothing wrong with him.  I thank God I didn't have children with him, because I know deep down he would have hurt them, or neglected them at the very least.  I'm so glad you are able to have a civil relationship with your child's father for the benefit of your son, but please, do not ever turn a blind eye to what he is capable of doing.  I know it's easy to feel sympathy for folks with mental illness, but protecting your child has to be your first priority.  Good luck to you, and great job, Mom!!! 
 
May 4, 2006, 7:46 am CDT

Linda I am begging you!

My cousin was a beautiful sixteen-year-old.  She was popular, she was bright, she had such a wonderful future ahead of her.  Then she met an older man.  This man took this straight-A student and started pimping her out in the back parking lot of the strip clubs.  He forced her to have sex with his friends for his own amusement.  Her grades dropped, her looks went.  Her parents begged her to break up with this fool.  She was so in love she didn't see how he treated her.  One night, at a motel three hours away from her home, this man got tired of having this particular "hooker" on his payroll.  He put a bottle of pills and a soda in front of her, loaded a gun and told her she had a choice.  She took the pills.  She didn't question why, she didn't make any attempts to fight for her life.  Her spirit was broken.  He left the motel for two hours to come back and call in a suicide attempt.  He didn't know his "hooker" had called one of our aunts and confessed everything before she died.  The saddest thing of all was the police, after my cousin's tragic death, did not consider the phone call concrete evidence to put this loser on trial!  My cousin lost her life to a moron like your precious "fiance".  I don't want to see you do the same. 

  

This man does not love you.  That is the bottom line.  You are property; you are not the love of his life.  HE TRIED TO KILL YOU!  Please don't let this guy rule your life!  If you take him back, you will be present for another premeditated murder.  This time he won't fail.  YOU WILL DIE!  It won't be just an eye next time.  There IS life after a monster like this.  DON'T DO IT!  Don't let my cousin's death be in vain.  Get some help, please I beg you! 

 
May 4, 2006, 7:50 am CDT

You Come First!!!

For all the women reading this, I too have been there 16 years ago...Due to self esteem issues, fear, and so many other labels we could apply we put ourselves in this situation and think that if we just "love them enough we can heal the pain in their lives" YOU CANNOT HELP THE PERSON THAT CLAIMS TO LOVE YOU AND HURT YOU AT THE SAME TIME!!!!  Your first step is to distance yourself from that person as much as possible.  As Dr. Phil says: I'd rather live in a cardboard box on the street and know I'm safe than fear the person I love!  My 1st husband also abused me (but I LOVE HIM!) went to jail for other charges for 4 years, I stuck by him, worked, did the whole single mom thing and when he got out after about 3 months of drinking and partying with other women he came home and with my 2 kids in my arms he stuck a shotgun in my face, we wrestled he took the kids from me and I ran next door with the gun in MY HANDS, my Great Neighbor was scared to open the door or call the police so he looked through the glass and told me to go away.  When my husband came up behind me on those steps I waited til he got within a few feet-telling him all the time to stay away from me and send my kids out- he kept coming and I pulled the trigger.  And by the grace of God it wasn't even loaded....I had screamed so loud other neighbors had called the police.  They arrived and told me that if he chose to protest I couldn't even take my children with me, again Thank God he didn't.  I left that house in only panties and a tank top with diapers on my children.  I never looked back.....I know now that it was Fear that kept me with him (he always said he could find & kill me if I left) but at some point you have to realize leaving may be a gamble, STAYING IS A SURE BET THAT YOU WILL LOSE!   

We as abused people (yes men & women) need to take a logical look at our definition of love.  Look in the mirror daily and repeat all of your WONDERFUL QUALITIES!!  Sounds stupid but people, it Works!!  We tend to process our relationships as we think they SHOULD BE, not as they truly are to the outsider looking in.     

   

Linda, you know in your heart you deserve so much better, time to clear your head and be your own best friend.  Hats off to your Mom, if not for mine badgering me so bad and knowing 1st hand what it does to children to grow up in that mess I might have been in your shoes.  Like addiction it is a daily struggle for some of us to value who we are because at some point someone we loved & trusted took that away from us.  Heal yourself and find happiness, as my Mom used to say "I don't think your Dad would ever intentionally kill me, but it sure is possible that it could happen accidentally when he's so enraged and in the moment"   

It will not make it better if "You just Love them enough", so at least Love Yourself enough to go after what you need to bring peace and happiness in your life.........   

 
May 4, 2006, 8:13 am CDT

Get mad and get free!

Miss Linda, I would like to tell you a little story.  I am 36 years old and have been in physically, emotionally and verbally abusive environments since I was a child.  My twin sister and I are the only children in our very dysfunctional family.  We were both beaten, kicked, slapped and choked by both my mother and my stepfather since we were little children.  I wet the bed until I was eight years old, presumably from stress.  When I was eight my parents decided it was time for me to stop 'being lazy' so my stepfather started beating me daily with a belt.  He would come into my bedroom before he went to work and wake me and check my bed.  If it was wet I would have to wait all through my school day, come home, wait until he got home from work and he would beat me then so as not to wake my mother in the mornings.  This is just one of hundreds of examples I can give you. We were an Air Force family and the bedwetting incident happened while we lived in base housing on Guam.  The military, in my experience, does not acknowledge domestic abuse.  It was all around me as I grew up, not only in my family but in many many others.    When we were 15 my family moved back to the U.S.  My stepfather had been dishonorably discharged for refusing to stop smoking marijuana.  He was only one year away from retirement.  Soon after getting back to the U.S. we moved into a trailer park.  My aunt lived next door.  My whole family knew about the violence, but had never done anything about it.  After an ordeal that left me with my nose severely bitten and my sister's foot broken my aunt finally called the authorities.  For several years after that my sister and I were sort of lost.  I started dating and began a string of abusive relationships.  I was 31 years old when I moved to Indiana to live with my internet boyfriend.  Soon I found out that he was violent.  When he hit me with a door so hard I flew across the room and injured my arm, something clicked inside me.  I had had enough.  I called the police, put him in jail and fled to Wisconsin to live in a Women's Shelter.  Soon after, a friend that I had known since high school got in touch with me via email.  When he found out where I was he begged me to come back to Houston, where two of my kids lived with my ex husband.  The youngest was with me.  The shelter was bad and I trusted him so drove down there and moved in with him.  Soon I began to see a side of him I had never seen.  He was a martial arts instructor and he started sleeping with his students.  I quickly found a job working full time for the county and making good money.  I went to bed early so I could take my child to school and get myself to work.  Soon I found out he was looking at internet porn and masturbating in front of the computer  late at night while I slept.  That was the last straw.  I left him.  Two weeks later I went back by his apartment to confront him about some things he had been doing to harass me.  He had had my car towed by the police after telling them it was abandoned and he actually broke into the house I was living in and stole items he had given me just to intimidate me.  He had a daughter that was attached to my daughter and I wanted to ask him to please grow up and let the kids play.  This was on my daughters 6th birthday.  We were standing outside his second floor apartment talking when suddenly he locked the bolt on the door then, as I stood stunned, he forced his own door open, grabbed me by my suit jacket and threw me in teh apartment so hard I landed about six or seven feet away and my skirt flew all the way up over my head.  I cannot describe the horror I was already feeling when he said "Oh look, you just broke into my house!  Now I can kill you!"  That is when he started pounding my head against the floor, stunning me.  I managed to twist away somehow and flee into the kitchenette.  I looked at the window, trying to find a way to escape, but it was barred.  I backed myself into a corner away from him and begged him to stop.  Then he grabbed me again and put me on the floor again.  That is when he started pounding the left side of my face with his right fist.  My left earring was torn from my ear.  I screamed and cried "Please don't kill me Mike" over and over.  Thoughts began racing through my head.  I had made a mistake coming here and I was going to pay with my life.  My poor daughter would have bitter memories of her mother being murdered on her birthday for the rest of her life... He just kept pounding for what seemed like forever.  Then he started kicking me.  I curled up into a fetal position and he just kicked and kicked... I felt myself begin to lose consciousness then I heard the familiar 'SHING" of a sword coming out of the weapons rack he kept in the living room.  I knew he was closing in for the coup de grace.  Somehow I got up and ran into the bedroom of the tiny apartment.  Later I saw pictures of the crime scene that showed a slit in the door where he had barely missed me as I fled... it made my skin crawl.  The next thing I knew he was there fighting his way into the room I am a tiny woman and he was a big and very fit man.  I looked at the bedroom window which was also barred.  I was trapped.  I remember seeing him raise the sword over his head, then I lost some time and the next thing I remember is somehow I got past him back into the front room.  My right thumb was severely cut and gushing blood.  I still don't remember how it happened.  I can only assume I was instinctively defending myself from the sword with my hand.  I moved toward the front door but he easily outran me, blocked the doorway and lunged, piercing my stomach with the sword.  My left eye was swollen shut and the swelling was so unbelievable... It looked like I had grown another head out of my left face.  He started coming at me with the sword and I stopped pleading.  I was cornered and I knew my life was going to end.  I was screaming and crying hysterically.  I called him a coward and he became even more enraged.  He raised the sword adn swung it horizontally as if to decapitate me.  With superhuman reflexes I raised my left arm and lowered my head.  The sword slapped my arm with tooth-jarring force and the tip of the sword sunk into my left shoulder.  There was a sickening moment when he yanked the sword out and a chunk of my flesh flew out behind it.  He had stabbed me through my jacket, shirt and brastrap.  I was now bleeding profusely from my right thumb, near the webbing, a small puncture in my abdomen and my shoulder.  Suddenly I looked at the splintered door which was flung all the way open and I started screaming for help.  Mike got nervous then and said he would call for help.  Instead I heard him telling his mother he would need to be bailed out of jail soon because I had attacked him and he had defended himself.  The police arrived and called an ambulence.  Mike was still holding the weapon with my blood dripping from it.  It was surreal.  I felt like I was in a horror movie.  The policeman had his gun drawn and made Mike drop the sword.  When the EMTs arrived and saw the damage one of them was near tears.  I thought 'whoa I must look very bad for this paramedic to get upset'.  I went to the ER and he went to jail.  I had stopped allowing people to abuse me in Indiana and there was no way I was going to let this fly.  The DA soon got ahold of me and I testified against Mike in court.  He was convicted of Felony Aggravated Assault with a deadly weapon and sentenced to jail time and probation.  That's what it took for me to wake up and start looking inside myself to see the patterns and the chaos and the drama and my part of it and end it.  I now know that there are good guys out there and I am not craving drama or chaos.  I have a loving boyfriend who "wants to teach me what it's like to have a boyfriend".  And I love and cherish him maybe more than I would had I not had these experiences.  I also have a great psychiatrist and a therapist helping me deal with my past and change my life and even the way I think.  Please, Linda, know that i have been there with the drugs, the alcohol and the violence and that's never ever going to make you happy or give you what you want.  There is another way; a better way; a way you can be comfortable, peaceful and proud of.  I love you and God loves you and you have a lot of people pulling for you.  Email me mythral@hotmail.com whenever you wish I will be glad to talk to you, woman to woman.  You are courageous and strong and you have already taken the first step toward a new and better world.  You have my support and admiration.  Many blessings, Michelle
 
May 4, 2006, 8:25 am CDT

More abuse if she takes him back

Just wanted to say, that if he called her a bitch before he shot her, then if she took him back, he would be calling her a one eyed bitch. Telling her she is ugly, that no one wants her but him. He would always make her think it was her own fault she got shot. They never get better, they always get worse. They find every excuse they can to blame you. Every thing they do is your fault. Its your fault he went to jail, if you hadn't made him mad, if you had done what he wanted you to do,  he would not have shot you. Then the honey moon stage... meet for coffee... sweet talk you into thinking he is sorry (every one knows he not sorry, except for her).. Meet him for coffee, make sure your coffee is extremely hot, (maybe a few drops of battery acid in it), dash the coffee in his face and tell him he is a liar and then tell him it was his fault that you dashed the coffee in his face, if he hadn't lied to you, you would have never done it. Then leave him alone..... He is not worth the misery.
 
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