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Topic : 05/04 Violent Love Intervention

Number of Replies: 299
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Created on : Thursday, April 27, 2006, 07:13:48 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
They’re slapped, beaten and bruised. Sometimes, the violence doesn’t end until they’re dead. Dr. Phil talks to women who say they are the victims of abuse and need an intervention before it’s too late. Michelle says her boyfriend, Ryan, flies off the handle over the smallest issues. She reveals that he began hitting her when she was pregnant with their son. Ryan says he can’t control his anger because his own dad was abusive with him as a child. Is it too late for Ryan to change? Then, Linda says her fiancé, Eddie, shot her in the eye and nearly killed her when she threatened to leave him. He’s now serving only four years in prison because, Linda says, she lied to the police and called the shooting accidental. Her mom, Jody, says she’s sickened that Linda still cares for the man who almost took her life. Will Linda stop loving the man who shot her and learn how to have healthy relationships? Talk about the show here.

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May 4, 2006, 8:35 am CDT

You know what to do, don't you?

Quote From: adrien

 Hi my name is Adrien and I'm only 18.  My boyfriend is one year younger than I am.  We have been in many arguements but we are definately in love.  He has shoved me, choked me, and slapped me but only one time.  I have hit him before too though.  So it goes both ways.  I know our relationship is obviouysly not healthy but we are trying new things everyday to make us work. I think I might even be bringing a new life into the world so I dont want us to not be together but I need help or advice on what I should do about the situation.  And not only do we fight physically but he calls me names all the time abd tries to bring me down 24/7.  I say mean things sometimes too that I know I shouldnt say but I never call him names. So what do I do?
                 Thanks---adrien

Adrien,   

   

You are so young.  I really hope you are not bringing another life into this world quite yet.  I started young too and I regret it because I was not ready.  The vibe I get from you is that you know that what is going on is wrong, but you are too weak, scared or insecure to deal with it.  First of all for God's sake use  birth control.  A baby isnt something you do because you're bored or you feel some kind of void in y our life.  And with the way your relationship is going a baby would only be added strain and hardship.  You don't want to put a baby through that.  I suggest you do some research and get educated.  Get ahold of the Love Matters book by Dr. Phil because he has a lot of good professional advice there.  Right now you are sort of groping in the dark for happiness.  Thats like trying to win the lottery.. you need real answers and you can find them.  Just please take it slow.  Babies are cute and cuddly but theyre also very very demanding.  Your life will end as you know it.  Your body will change and sag, you will not have time for your friends or hobbies.  All your money will go to diapers, baby formula, doctor visits, baby clothes, baby furniture... I haven't bought a new piece of cloting for myself in 15 years.  If you are in school (which is IMHO where you should be) then you wil have to drop out to have your baby.  I did that 20 years ago and I STILL REGRET IT.  I love my kids but I was not prepared or educated or together emotionally enough and they have suffered greatly for it.  You're in a bad relationship and you can do better Adrien.  If that means you two will get help together that's great but if either one of you backs down it will not work.  Remember that every choice has a consequence and think ahead.  The decision you make today could affect the rest of your life.  

   

Best of luck, Michelle  

 
May 4, 2006, 8:37 am CDT

05/04 Violent Love Intervention

Quote From: adrien

 Hi my name is Adrien and I'm only 18.  My boyfriend is one year younger than I am.  We have been in many arguements but we are definately in love.  He has shoved me, choked me, and slapped me but only one time.  I have hit him before too though.  So it goes both ways.  I know our relationship is obviouysly not healthy but we are trying new things everyday to make us work. I think I might even be bringing a new life into the world so I dont want us to not be together but I need help or advice on what I should do about the situation.  And not only do we fight physically but he calls me names all the time abd tries to bring me down 24/7.  I say mean things sometimes too that I know I shouldnt say but I never call him names. So what do I do?
                 Thanks---adrien

Adrien, 

  

Been there, done that.  Also tried to find "reasons" why this would happen to both my ex husband and I.  You need to find self respect first....find out who you are and what you really want in life.  Look at yourself from the outside and ask yourself "what does this girl deserve?".  I guarantee you your answers will not include "to be put down", "to be hit", "to be yelled at"....put it on paper if you have to,and start living by it.  Work on your self image first, and then re-assess your relationship.  Ask your boyfriend to do the same.  If you are actually in a loving, committed relationship, sitting down together and deciding what you both think you deserve might open more doors of communication.  And, if there really is another life coming into the world, write down what you think that baby deserves, too, because abuse doesn't age discriminate.   

  

Good luck to you. 

 
May 4, 2006, 8:39 am CDT

POWER AND CONTROL OVER ANOTHER = ABUSE

Quote From: ssujoey91

        I never heard the possibility of Ryan having control issues mentioned.I think he does have a lot of anger bottled up over the abuse he went through,but I also suspect control has something to do with it as well.Just do as I say,and you won't get hurt.Sounds like a terrorist control tactic to me. 

       As for Linda,that story just left me speechless.I never understood women like that,to go back into a relationship like that is signing your own death warrant.I hope she gets her life together,I really do. 

POWER AND CONTROL OVER ANOTHER ...THRU A SERIES OF SYSTEMATIC TACTICS.  

   

A TERRORIST CONTROL TACTIC TO BE SURE.  

   

   

On another note.....your comments on Linda, Linda NEEDS TO BE DE-PROGRAMMED, UN-BRAINWASHED...she is under "Battered Woman's Syndrome"       The deprogramming and unbrainwashing needs to be accomplished with a counselor who is trained in the complex dynamics of Domestic Violence and Abuse.  Its a learned helplessness.   It can be unlearned.   

   

Her education and awareness of the inside and outs of the Abuse and Abusers Tactics will set her free...along with getting the very much needed therapy for herself in order to get her self-esteem up where it needs to be in order for her to take good care of herself.  

   

She's using the alcohol to mask her pain....and that is another problem that she can overcome.   

   

There are resources and help for her...she can regain her life.   

 
May 4, 2006, 8:58 am CDT

you ask? YOU ARE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

Quote From: adrien

 Hi my name is Adrien and I'm only 18.  My boyfriend is one year younger than I am.  We have been in many arguements but we are definately in love.  He has shoved me, choked me, and slapped me but only one time.  I have hit him before too though.  So it goes both ways.  I know our relationship is obviouysly not healthy but we are trying new things everyday to make us work. I think I might even be bringing a new life into the world so I dont want us to not be together but I need help or advice on what I should do about the situation.  And not only do we fight physically but he calls me names all the time abd tries to bring me down 24/7.  I say mean things sometimes too that I know I shouldnt say but I never call him names. So what do I do?
                 Thanks---adrien

Your boyfriend as you describe him, is an abuser.   

   

His choices and his actions are abusive toward you.   

   

Shoving is Abuse.   

   

Choking is Abuse.   

   

Slapping you is Abuse.   

   

ONE TIME IS TOO MANY TIMES.   

   

You are abusing if you are choosing to hit him...if you were not defending yourself.    

   

Your relationship is not healthy and IT IS ABUSIVE AND I AM WILLING TO BET THAT THERE ARE OTHER FORMS OF ABUSE AT WORK HERE, TOO.   

   

Are you 18 and pregnant with a boyfriend who already abuses you?  I wish you take precautions not to get pregnant or not have sex....were you coerced into sex?   

   

Your relationship will NOT get better, it gets worse.   

   

HE IS ALSO ABUSING YOU EMOTIONALLY AND VERBALLY.    

   

He is tearing you down, by your own admission....he does that so you can't get away....you will loose yourself....and this situation is dangerous for you and if you ever had a baby....so dangerous.   

   

GET HELP FOR YOURSELF.   

   

GET AWAY NOW.   

   

Is there a family member or teacher or clergy that you could turn to.   

   

You are young and you have your whole life ahead of you----are YOU LISTENING?   

   

   

   

   

 
May 4, 2006, 9:01 am CDT

how do you raise your self- esteem?

Iam married to a abusive guy mostly physical and mental abuse, yesterday I mowed the grass, and of course it was wrong, then he had me clean the wood stove i didn't do that write either, then he brought me some dirt to put in our garden he says i don't know how to spread it out write, if i paint it is sloppy he says if i clean or make supper i don't do a good enough job, if i discipline or don't discipline our children i don't do that write, I helped him one day reinsulate the outdooor stove he got mad because he didn't think i was doing it write, he threw a carpet knife at me and attempted to hit me with a shovel, i ran in the house he ran after me and then threw me on the floor, my whole side ached for days he told me he didn't feel that i was helping write, we have a pet rabbit and he has a litter box well one day he bathroomed on the floor by accident because he got startled over some noise the tv made he also chews on things in the house my husband told me that i don't get after the rabbit enough and that i didn't care if the house got wrecked which is not true because iam always trying to improve the house by painting and cleaning and buying things to make it look nice, he got angry at me and flipped the rabbit cage in the air and the rabbit came running out but was not hurt he then ran after me and got in my face and told me that he would like nothing more than to just kill me. i told him then just let me leave he wouldn't he once kicked me out and told me i couldn't take the car and told me to start walking so i did and then he stopped me and wouldn't let me leave he everytime i have attempted to leave he ripped the wires out of the phone, jumped on my car so i couldn't leave took my car keys, i don't understand it he says he loves me and our children then why does he treat me this way and if they truly love you why do they kick you out but then don't really want you to leave, i have put him in jail many times for choking me, punching me, throwing things at me you name it and everytime it turned out to be my fault his family would all gang up on me to make it look like i was really bad news, my husband is an alcoholic and has been for years and everyday he calls me names like b---, wh---, sl---, bad mother, lover , fat ugly you name it, everyone tells me to leave but i have no self-esteem i have never felt like anyone else would want me how do i raise my self-esteem and leave him?
 
May 4, 2006, 9:04 am CDT

abusive relationships

My daughter is 26 years old. A beautiful blue eyed blonde full of life.   Until.... she began one abusive relationship after another.  She has three beautiful children 2 from her first marriage and one from a 2nd relationship.  The girls from the first relationship now live with their father and my husband and I are raising the 2 year old. All because we cannot allow these little ones to be around such abuse.  The last relationship, which she continues to see him, punched her in the eye, kicked her in the ribs, hit her with a butt of a gun and pointed the gun at her, threw her into the side of her vehicle and urinated on her.  This caused massive bruising and swelling.  She then left him only to be arrested  and put in jail because he called the police and said she held a gun to him (even though he had the gun in his possession)   This man is an x-nba player so has the clout to get out of situations.   

The point I want to make is when you stay in these abusive relationships you not only are hurting yourself , you are hurting the ones that love you most.  And that is not the abuser,   Your family hurts deeply especially when they feel so helpless.  I have cried and pleaded with no avail for my daughter to get out of these relationships.  Everyone deserves to live a peaceful life.  God made all of you for a special purpose and that purpose is not to be in an abusive relationship.   I do feel for the abuser too.  I know they need help too and they too have a purpose on this earth.  However, you do not need to be their punching bag in the mean time. 

Please Please Please, get some help and find your path away from these abusers. 

  

 
May 4, 2006, 9:09 am CDT

HELPING DOESN'T GO HAND IN HAND WITH FEAR

Quote From: adrien

 That might be one of your morals or how you were raised but  a relationship is different for everyone.  There have been times I have been scared at school by a teacher that I have always loved and I know cares about her students.  There can be fear and love in the same house but it should only go to a certain extent.  If the fear has to deal with death or being hurt then of course its not love but if the fear is in way that someone is trying to help you then it could still be love. So maybe we shouldn't speak for everybody, just what we feel or what our morals are.
                         Adrien

Fear does NOT go hand in hand with love or helping.  

   

Adrien, your boyfriend has already emotionally and verbally abused you enough that you are looking at things thru the eyes that he wants you to see thru.  

   

You have got to get help...you are in an abusive dynamic with this guy.  

   

Please , it does not get better.  

   

Do NOT minimize and justify any abusive or violent behavior.  

   

Take care.   

 
May 4, 2006, 9:10 am CDT

I was one of the lucky ones

I was 17 when I got married.  I met my husband on May 11, 2001.  We were married on August 24, 2001.  It was only 2 weeks before that I had found out that I was pregnant.  During my pregnany, my husband never hit me, he just called me names and never showed me any kind of affection.  And ladies, we all know how important it is that we get that affection during our pregnancy.  But I recieved nothing.  Our son had just made 1 week when that first incident happened.  We had went to my mom's house to visit with the family.  My husband called me up to my old room to talk to me about an arguement that we had earlier.  I told him how I KNEW that he was cheating on me because is girlfriend had called to make sure that he had made it home ok.  (Stupid, huh?)  He got so mad at me for bringing it up that he pulled his knife out of his pocket and put it up to my throat, threatening to kill me infront of our new born baby.  At that time, my older sister walked in and my husband had slapped my sister for walking in on something that was none of her business.  Of course, being young and dumb, we stayed together.  In fact, we stayed the night at my mom's house.  That night, he rapped me.  A lot of people say it's not rape if you're married, but anyone who has had children before knows that when you have a child, no sex for 6 weeks.  The doctor had to cut me and stitch me back up after my son was born.  So as you can imagine, one week of healing was not long enough.  He ripped the stitches out.  I still have not healed up.  It only got worse.  We lived at his mom's house.  His younger brothers went to school, his dad worked and his mom went to school, also.  There was a long stretch of time when my husband did not work, so me and him and our baby were home alone all the time.  That's when it would happen.  We had no phones at all, not even cell phones.  None of our neighbors had phones unless you want to walk in the Texas heat for 2 1/2 miles.  So when his family got home, I tried despretely to get help from them and they didn't believe me, of course not.  Thier son was not cappable of hitting a woman, they taught him better than that.  I was the abusive one......I stand 5 feet tall and my husband was 5 feet and 11 inches.....does that sound like I could kick his @ss??  NO.  It got so bad that his parents and I faught all the time, too.  So not only was my husband hitting me and blaming it on me but when I tried asking for help from his parents, they didn't believe me and that causes more fights.  Finially I moved in with my mom.  My husband told me that he needed to move in with me.  And that started fights with me and my parents.  So we got a low income apartment in the middle of our country town and we moved in there in July of 2002.  One day, my husband had invited his younger twin brothers over to stay for the weekend.  Cool, I thought, at least nothing will happen to me if they are there.  I was wrong.  My husband wanted to go spend that last $10 that we had on something stupid and we had NO food in the house.  I knew that we needed to go buy some food with the little bit of money we had, and my husband would not hear of it.  He locked me in our room, blocking the door with stuff.  The only way out was the window.  Mind you we lived in an up stairs apartment.  So I jumped out the window.  We only lived like 4 miles from my mom's house so I figured that I could walk.  About 10 minutes into the walk, my husband pulles up, almost hitting me with the car.  HIs kid brothers and our son in the car with him.  He gets out of the car, grapped a hand full of my hair, pulls me down to the ground and drags me by my hair to the car.  I'm kicking and screaming for help.  Neighbors start watching out the windows.  Then he grabs me by my arms and pulls me that way.  The whole time, his brothers are trying to help me telling their brother that he needs to stop doing that to me.  And our son is in the car screaming.  He finally gets me in the car and we drive around the corner to go back to our apartment.  It's surrounded by the police.  We took a ride until the police were gone and went inside.  The next day, the cops came back.  They took him to jail for the night.  AS soon as he got out, he came home livid.  I was holding our son, playing with him, when my husband barged through the door.  He knocked me to the fllor still holding the baby and started pounding on the top of my head with his fists.  26 times he hit me on my head, the whole time holding the baby.  When he finially let up, my skull had caved in.  It's a wonder how I'm still alive.  The next day, his mom came over and my husband had her feel the indention in my head.  He told her that we were dancing and he went to go dip me and I hit my head on the corner of the table.  I started to speak up my my husband gave me that look that they all give you and I shut up.  AS soon as his mom left, he hit me in the eye.  My eye was black and bleeding from the corner.  My mom had stopped by to see how we were doing and asked me about my eye.  Not wanting another black eye, I told her that my son had thrown a block at me and hit me in the eye.  Well, a couple of nights later, we got into it again and my down stairs neighbor had come banging on the door, cell phone in her hand, calling the police.  That night I had an emergency protective order set that gave me 30 days to get one from the attorney general.  I did go get the 1 year protective order.  During that 1 year, I lived with my mom.  Every night, both me and my son had terrible nightmares.  I still have them and so does my son.  I got a divorce from him and now we can rest in peace.  Currently I have been with my boyfriend for 1 year, and I still flinch every time he wants to get close to me.  And I know that it hurts him, but I am scared of all men.  My boyfriend is so good to me.  He not once has called me names, put me down or anything of the nature.  The worst that he does is hold me down to tickle me.  LOL  So if you are being hit, slapped, called names, being put down, he DOES NOT LOVE YOU!!  I know, I've been there!!  You love him with all of your heart, despite all the BS that he put you through, but no man that truely loves you would ever hurt you... EVER!!!!!!  It took me over a year to get over my ex-husband.  I know how tough it is.  You think to yourself, He is the only one I love and the only one that will love me back, but trust someone who has been through it, he doesn't love you if he does that to you.  Go to the attorney gerneral, get a protective order, seek counsiling and get help.   
 
May 4, 2006, 9:12 am CDT

abuse

                  

                     I have been in an abusive relationship and since have gone to support groups in my area where I learned alot and also learned of a book about abusers.  I recomend the reading of this book to anyone who is wanting to know about abuse, know someone who is being abuse, or is being abused, or is an abuser themselves.  It is Why Does He Do That by: Lundy Bancroft.  You can purchase the book or go to your local library and find it.  If the library you have gone to doesnt have the book see if they can find it at another library and order it for you.  Lundy Bancroft also has two other books called When Daddy Hurts Mommy and Abuser as Parent that would be helpful when children are involved in any way to abuse.  

 
May 4, 2006, 9:12 am CDT

abuse

                  

                     I have been in an abusive relationship and since have gone to support groups in my area where I learned alot and also learned of a book about abusers.  I recomend the reading of this book to anyone who is wanting to know about abuse, know someone who is being abuse, or is being abused, or is an abuser themselves.  It is Why Does He Do That by: Lundy Bancroft.  You can purchase the book or go to your local library and find it.  If the library you have gone to doesnt have the book see if they can find it at another library and order it for you.  Lundy Bancroft also has two other books called When Daddy Hurts Mommy and Abuser as Parent that would be helpful when children are involved in any way to abuse.  

 
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