Topic : 05/04 Violent Love Intervention

I think everyone is being a little hard on the original poster who said that it's simple.  I have been in an abusive marriage, and I did not take offense at this post.  Frankly, it was simple.  Yes, he was Mr. Nice Guy while we were dating and to everyone but me and yes, he did things to slowly hack away at my self-esteem and yes, he used my emotions to try to get me to stay by saying that I would be abandoning my stepdaughter (I was her only caretaker since he was never there and her mother had abandoned her) and by saying all sorts of horrible things.  But, guess what?  I didn't stay for years upon years and I didn't wait until I got beaten to a pulp.  After a few slaps and pushes and punches past the head and one bloody nose (as well as mountains of emotional torture), I had his you-know-what arrested and changed the locks before it got worse.  Yes, it was very difficult, but the answer was simple, nonetheless.  I was scared that he would break in at night and kill me.  He said he would, and I believed him.  I miss (and still miss) my stepdaughter so much I can hardly stand it.  But, the truth is, in reality, it was ever so simple to get rid of that loser.  

However, I do understand that different women have different personalities and that levels of abuse are different in different situations, so it can be harder or easier depending on what's going on with you.  However, the simple answer is to leave.  Don't believe him when he says that nobody will ever love you again or that he will kill you.  That has happened, but usually doesn't.  They generally get mad at first, do a few crazy things, then they cry and act all sweet and try to get you back, and then they finally give up.  Good luck to all.  Stay safe.  

When Ryan said that he can't stand people picking on him I recognized his problem.  

His mother was no doubt injected with demerol when delivering him. Probably late in the labor and too much. Ryan was likely not detoxified after the birth.  

People suffering from this doctor-caused injury (demerol for labor) are easily provoked. They cannot stand stress. They are otherwise very nice people but things have to always be peaceful. The way he speaks (very literal and frank) is typical of a person born in the presence of this horrible drug.  

Many, many people suffer from this. The jails are full of them. It is a crime what happens to babies in delivery rooms.  

Everybody, including Dr. Phil, is missing an important point. 

Let’s look at Linda.  Her fiancee Eddie shot her in the head and she lost her right eye, yet she still says she loves him and wants him back; her feelings seem absolutely illogical—why would she want to be with somebody who was trying to kill her? But if you look at what physically happened to her and emotional implication of it in Linda’s mind, the matter becomes clear and future plan to cure her wound can be planned better as well. 

Anyhow, she lost one eye, and with the loss of one eye consequently came the loss of her beauty as well; she said that she was 26 years old 5’ 10” model but is not any more. With the loss of her beauty came more difficulty to earn guy’s attachment.  It is obvious that in her future relationships, she would have more difficulty getting a guy (honestly, if you are a guy, would you want a normal pretty girl or a one-eyed pretty girl?) In her mind, the loss of eye is the loss of beauty, and the loss of beauty means the loss of future love, the loss of being happy with a partner, the loss of future attachment, solace, and comfort, AT LEAST IN HER MIND!  And looking at her past history of dating older, very older guys, it can be deduced that she has a serious Electra complex fixation that causes her a great want and desire to be with a guy; and for a woman with such need to be attached to a guy, the fear that she won’t be able to have relationships in the future is indeed great. 

So, she suffers from such fear of future possibility, and to comfort herself she turns back to what she has now.  Think about it, in her mind doesn’t she still have Eddie?; he shot her, but he didn’t break up with her, did he? Yes, most people would think getting shot pretty much means automatic break-up; but Linda is a woman who continued a number of relationships with abusive guys, and to such woman the equation of “guy shot me, he doesn’t love me=automatic break-up” is not established; so, in Linda’s mind Eddie didn’t “break up” with her and he is still hers, and she wants him back—again, with the possibility of future relationship diminished, Linda’s mind is convincing her need to strengthen and reclaim the “current” relationship so that she would have that for her future 

Basically, the feeling Linda has is not love for Eddie, but her need to stay on the present relationship knowing that if this one is over she might not have any more attachment, partner, and love in the future due to her physical wound. 

Then, how can Linda be cured? First, the points that I have made so far need to be clarified to her and she needs to accept them; then, strong reassurance that in spite of she having only one eye she can still find someone else who loves her in the future needs to be firmly established in her mind; these two cures are not all that there are to help her, but they are definitely need to be incorporated. 

Dear Linda, 

Please learn to love yourself again.  No one deserves the life that you have lived with the man who shot you.  You're a beautiful woman with a wonderful life ahead of her, if it is without him.  With him you'll once again face the drunkenness, lies, abuse, degrading comments, and depression.  When you think of him, remember the bad times that you had together.  There is a better, more fulfilling life out there for you.  There are kind, loving men who would love to take care of you and be a part of your future.  Why visit the past?  Why dwell in the past?  Why repeat past mistakes?  Please move forward and not backward.  Be a survivor (a person who continues to function and prosper in spite of opposition, hardship, or setbacks) not a sucker (a person easily cheated or deceived). 

Take care. 

I'm not surprised to see Linda still clings to the man who shot her.  That IS how it goes isn't it: A woman's heart?  Albeit extreme in this case.   Must be some Darwinian advantage to that behavior that I'm just not privy to.  

They'll convince her to not see him anymore, the counseling I mean.  I'm pessimistic though.  Her heart will get in the way:  he get's out, makes contact, she can't resist, they get together again.  He'll like her initially, just enough to get some,  then dump her for someone else . . . less deformed (I know, that's cruel).  His rejection will anger her, "how could you do this to me after I lied for you", she'll scream.  A few days later she . . .     

Now, if she knew this would happen, maybe that would be enough to close the deal with him forever.  We'll see.  

Dear Heart, we're not surprised by what you said.  Most victims support, lie for, and make excuses for their abusers.  It's part of the manipulation they consistently use on their victims. 

My parents beat us with tree switches, belts, sticks, back hands, and even the flat side of a butcher knife.  "I chose to control" my inherited temper and stop the generational abuse.  I discipline my children by taking away their privileges and walk away during heated discussions with my spouse (until I've cooled off).  There's no excuse for abuse. 

Dear Carly, I'm sorry that you had to suffer through such a horrible situation.  I pray that God will comfort you and send peace once and for all to your heart and soul. 

Take care. 

i don't know if anybody tapes Dr. Phil.  I tape him every day. 

I was just watching the tape. My eye caught something funny.  It's about the girl with the one eye. 

I ran the tape 3 times and called my husband in and he caught it right away. 

In wone scene it was her right eye that was damaged (she was speaking to the camera). 

In another scene it was her left eye that was damaged (she was speaking to the camera). It's not like this was a photo that can be flipped. 

This was a video of her speaking. One time it was her left eye and the other time it was her right. 

I would love for anyone from the Dr. Phil show to explain this. 

If you still have the tape, watch it. you'll notice it right away. 

melody 

he is an over-bearing, arrogant bully because his father is an over-bearing, arrogant bully, because HIS father was an over-bearing, arrogant bully because HIS...need I go on?  

It is learned behavior.  It has nothing to do with Demerol at birth or anything else.  

Stop excusing the abusers (male or female).  It is a choice that they make and they either get help for it or they ruin the lives of the people who love them as well as their own.