Topic : 05/04 Violent Love Intervention

Dear Heart, we're not surprised by what you said.  Most victims support, lie for, and make excuses for their abusers.  It's part of the manipulation they consistently use on their victims. 

My parents beat us with tree switches, belts, sticks, back hands, and even the flat side of a butcher knife.  "I chose to control" my inherited temper and stop the generational abuse.  I discipline my children by taking away their privileges and walk away during heated discussions with my spouse (until I've cooled off).  There's no excuse for abuse. 

I have a stepsister who is in serious trouble.  She is a beautiful, 19 year old girl, who graduated from good middle class high school a year ago.  Her homelife on the outside looked ok, as she grew up in a nice community in big house; however, the life inside those walls was horrible.  Her father died when she was young.  Mother and stepfather (my dad) are both alcoholics in their own right and have a number of other additional issues.  If I listed them all now, there would be a book.   

My stepsister  was put in rehab for drugs and bullemia a year ago November, where she met a boy.  They have dated off and on ever since.  I don't even know the half of it; however, I do know she is not his only sexual partner (he tells her she's #1 though, how sweet!), she smuggles drugs for him, and the abuse has only escalated (physically and mentally).  A month ago her front tooth was knocked out "somehow".  Last weekend, according to my other sister, he beat her up so bad, she had a sprained ankle and swollen knees from getting tossed down a marble staircase; he bashed her head so many times there were bumps and bruises everywhere; he flushed her head in the toilet; he attacked her with a knife, slashing her several times, including on her face.  She called my sister who picked her up, and she was covered in blood.  She promised she wouldn't go back or see him again.  However, just 3 days later, this past Tuesday, she was seen with him.   

My question is how can my sister and I help, if at all?  How do you help someone in a situation where you don't even see a light at the end of the tunnel for them?  She has no support system, as she is burning all bridges with family and friends by stealing, fighting, and lying.  She has no education beyond high school.  She has no job besides the boyfriend's money.  Apparently, his parents are wealthy so he is the constant 'go-to' guy when she is broke or has no place to stay.  He uses that to control her.  She has problems that are bigger than she can solve by just leaving this guy, and I just don't know what my role is.  I don't see any hope for her.  If I can't see any hope for her, how can I help?  I think her trouble is bigger than brochures and books at this point. 

This is not Love on either side.   

If someone is beating hurting you and you are afraid of the person what you feel for that person can't be love.   

If you have to control someone then you can't love them.   

Love and Fear do not live in the same house ever.   

If you don't understand that then you probably don't know what it is really liked to be loved or to love another. 

Thanks for your affirmation and understanding. That means so much to me. 

Yeah I really surprised myself by how I feel. I empathize with the women in these situations too obviously. But I guess some reasons why I worry about the men too is that I know that they are victims too. And I pity them. I also know from my past experiences that I had to walk on eggshells so as not to upset my ex. I knew if someone told him that he was being a jerk or they gave him a hard time for any reason, then *I* would wind up paying for it in the end. 

I'm so glad you were able to stop this vicious cycle. I'm so happy to hear that and am SO proud of you for being able to stop the violence pattern!!! 

Luckily my kids seem unaffected by this. My son was mad at me initially but he later admitted out of the blue that he likes having no more tension at home.  

I remember when he was 2. My ex was mad at my daughter because she was screaming hysterically when he sent her to her room. He angrily got up from the chair said he was gonna kill her. I was terrified beyond belief. But my son, at the age of 2, had enough presence of mind and courage to run out in front of him and yell, "Don't hurt my sister!!!!"  

That was a HUGE wake-up call.   

To this day, he's still trying to save people. He's 15 now. He's an EMS Explorer. Just finished a First Responder course. I feel like he had to grow up too soon yet at the same time I'm amazed at how well he has turned out. My daughter wants to be a teacher. She's really got a knack for being with kids. She loves them, they love her. I feel so lucky that they are such cool kids in spite of all that they've been through. But I will always feel guilty for putting them through this in the first place. Noone should have to go through that but especially young, innocent, defenseless kids! 

Thanks again for writing and listening. 

Sylvia 

Everybody, including Dr. Phil, is missing an important point. 

Let’s look at Linda.  Her fiancee Eddie shot her in the head and she lost her right eye, yet she still says she loves him and wants him back; her feelings seem absolutely illogical—why would she want to be with somebody who was trying to kill her? But if you look at what physically happened to her and emotional implication of it in Linda’s mind, the matter becomes clear and future plan to cure her wound can be planned better as well. 

Anyhow, she lost one eye, and with the loss of one eye consequently came the loss of her beauty as well; she said that she was 26 years old 5’ 10” model but is not any more. With the loss of her beauty came more difficulty to earn guy’s attachment.  It is obvious that in her future relationships, she would have more difficulty getting a guy (honestly, if you are a guy, would you want a normal pretty girl or a one-eyed pretty girl?) In her mind, the loss of eye is the loss of beauty, and the loss of beauty means the loss of future love, the loss of being happy with a partner, the loss of future attachment, solace, and comfort, AT LEAST IN HER MIND!  And looking at her past history of dating older, very older guys, it can be deduced that she has a serious Electra complex fixation that causes her a great want and desire to be with a guy; and for a woman with such need to be attached to a guy, the fear that she won’t be able to have relationships in the future is indeed great. 

So, she suffers from such fear of future possibility, and to comfort herself she turns back to what she has now.  Think about it, in her mind doesn’t she still have Eddie?; he shot her, but he didn’t break up with her, did he? Yes, most people would think getting shot pretty much means automatic break-up; but Linda is a woman who continued a number of relationships with abusive guys, and to such woman the equation of “guy shot me, he doesn’t love me=automatic break-up” is not established; so, in Linda’s mind Eddie didn’t “break up” with her and he is still hers, and she wants him back—again, with the possibility of future relationship diminished, Linda’s mind is convincing her need to strengthen and reclaim the “current” relationship so that she would have that for her future 

Basically, the feeling Linda has is not love for Eddie, but her need to stay on the present relationship knowing that if this one is over she might not have any more attachment, partner, and love in the future due to her physical wound. 

Then, how can Linda be cured? First, the points that I have made so far need to be clarified to her and she needs to accept them; then, strong reassurance that in spite of she having only one eye she can still find someone else who loves her in the future needs to be firmly established in her mind; these two cures are not all that there are to help her, but they are definitely need to be incorporated. 

he is an over-bearing, arrogant bully because his father is an over-bearing, arrogant bully, because HIS father was an over-bearing, arrogant bully because HIS...need I go on?  

It is learned behavior.  It has nothing to do with Demerol at birth or anything else.  

Stop excusing the abusers (male or female).  It is a choice that they make and they either get help for it or they ruin the lives of the people who love them as well as their own.