Quote From: giffinsCan abusers change?
I hope so...if not I am going to continue my work to try.
I am a 32 year old single male, father of a wonderful 8 yr old boy. I am not currently with his mother. She is truly the love of my life and I hope someday that she will take me back.
I grew up in a home where I listened and watched my father emotionally, verbally and mentally abuse my mother. I never saw any physical abuse but I am sure it happened, watched my mother and her mother, my grandmother, fist fight and I would try to break it up. My mother was just defending herself from a larger woman who was epleptic and evil. I was molested by a boy two years older than me when I was 4. It continued until I was 14. My brother who is 5 years younger than me in addition to being hit by me because I believed that my parents were not tough enough on him was also molested by the same boy who was 7 years older than him. The guilt that I have is tremendous regarding these matters.
Over the 24 or 25 years I have been verbally, emotionally, mentally and/or physically abusive to the following people: my mother, my father, my brother, the mother of my son , her other son (not my son not that it matters...it is still abusive, a woman at work...and I have been very abusive towards myself.
I remember when I was 8 yrs old I was in the back yard and I hit my mother with a rope...on PURPOSE. What kind of 8 yr old does that. The kind of 8 yr old that at the age of 32 ,on at least 4 different occasions, physically abused the woman I love. I do love her...I realize that I was wrong and that way she was acting...which she was NUMB...she did not have a job and did not do much all day, according to everyone else, even her own mother was and is a sick, lazy, antagonistic, mean individual. I feel like my actions...degrading her, calling her names, screaming at her, threatening to take things like her car, her engagement ring, even her son, away, not giving her money, not being supportive, coercing sex, offering to pay for sex, badgering her into performing sex acts that she did not want to do...simply put made her NUMB. Not able to cope, depressed, no self esteem, no being able to be a good mother, not feeling like she could find a job let alone keep one...just feeling worthless and NUMB. At the end of our relationshipshe could not fight...I believe she did not have the will. We were living with my mother with our son staying with her mother in a better part of town. She was living there because her mother and father kicked her out. Her eldest son who is 14 went to live with his father and our son stayed with his grandparents where I thought he would be best taken care of. I pushed for her to come and live with me when she was kicked out in November 2005...she came. Things were good for a couple of weeks maybe even a month.
Now please understand that we have been toghther on and off for 11 years. It has been a rocky road each of us being abusive in our own ways. I started being abusive to her when she was 3 months pregnant. I backed her down with a balled up fist...I do not remember why or what was said...but that was the first of many abusive things. She also spent the summer of 2003 lying to me, stealing from me and cheating on me. Up until then I had not been physicall abusive with her. Since then I have pulled her hair and put my fist in her face, grabbed her aroung the neck, broken a car window, thrown her clothes and make up down a flight of stairs, tried kicking her in the back while she ran down stairs to get away from me, put my face right up against hers, spit in her face, kicked a chair into her knee, grabbed her, pushed her, punched her it the knee, the arm, and the head, twisted her wrist and hit her as hard as I could with a pillow about 10 times. WOW that is alot more than 4 times and I am sure I am missing a few.
Back to what I was saying. So she is living with me at my mothers house. She said she would get a job soon after getting there. When she left in the middle of February she did not have one. From November to February we argued alot. When we argued my mother would always get involved and I would ask her to mind her own business...most times she would not. This made it worse. During this time I was very abusive...saying that my sons mother was a cheating slut and whore, that she was probably seeing other people while I was at work. I would call her every name in the book. I would say she was a bad mother. I would threaten to take her car away and kick her out on a frequent basis. I would tell her to give me the engagement ring back that she did not deserve it...one day she did. When she did not want to have sex or right after a fight i would offer her money for sexual favors. Physically...I grabbed her, kicked a chair into her knee, got into a fist fight with her while we were in a car...I twisted her wrist and punched her in the knee repeatedly...then there was the final morning that she woke up there. We had a good couple of days it was Monday night and we actually ahd sex. The next morning I woke up and I thought well we are getting along...maybe I can finally communicate with her...about getting a job...doing something to help us. Well that did not go well. She said the same things that she always said and I allowed it ot set me off. I told her to leave...she would not....I started screaming at her...then my mother chirped up and I screamed at her. I took some of her stuff out of the bedroom and put it in containers down stairs. She would not go saying that she would leave when i was gone...that she was scared. I actually moved a recliner that was next to where she was sleeping so I could get closer to her. I started screaming at the top of my lungs right in her face to get out...I punched her in the head...thank god not hard...this was actually an accident...I am way to affraid to actually leave any marks so she could press charges. Then I hit her with the pillow over and over...all the wile her crying like a little girl saying what the police told her to do if I get physically violent..."Put your hands over your face and head and curl up". She was crying saying this over and over. I stopped and went to work. I went to see my son after work. His mother showed up there after I asked her not to. I left for a while. When I came back she left. That morning as I was leaving I told her that I would stay away from my mothers house that night so that she could have a place to stay. When I left my sons house I went to my mothers house to see if she was there. She was not. I went inside locked the doors and windows. She had a key for the backdoor but I had an inside door that i locked. After what had happened that morning, she came back at about 1 am. I told her she was not allowed to stay she needed to leave would not even let her use the bathroom. After all that I did to her she still wanted to come back. I walked some of her stuff outside and she left. Where she stayed that night I do not know. She wnet to her mothers about noo on Wednesday and was told to leave and come back when the kids come home at 3. When she did not her mother and father called the police. After a little while and her not wanting to leave she was arrested with the promise from the police that they would try and get her some mental help becuase she was out of it. I would be out of it too if I had been kicked out of an abusive house and relationship came to my mothers and was kicked out of there too. So now my sons mother is in prison where she spent the next 8 weeks until she was released and deemed competent by prison psychatrist. She is realeased and told she needs to get some mental help, get evaluated for having a drug and/or alcohol problem and she needs to get a job. Oh did I forget to mention that when she was arrested that her parents got a PFA with their names, my sons name, their residence and his school named in it. Oh also that the court saw fit to grant emergency temporary custody of my son to his grandparents for 18 months. So my sons mother is not legally allowed to see our son unless OKed by a judge with a visitation schedule. So my sons mother is asked by the judge if she would like to set up a visitation schedule at this time. My sons mother says no...she needs to get some help and get some stuff straight first. So now almost a month after court...3 months since she has seen our son last...she is living in homeless shelters...she still has not seen him. It is killing me. I have started to go to a counseling group for abusers...it is helping. I find it absouloutely amazing that when I tell people about how I abused my son mother...even the physical...people like our friends...my boss...even her mother somehow someway justify even if it is a little bit. It is NOT justified ever. I need to be and am responsible for my own actions. No matter what anyone else does or says to me...NO MATTER WHAT...I can not react the way I have learned to act. I need to be proactive and end the cycle of abuse. I am now trying to get custody of my son whom I am allowed to see when ever I want and do on a daily basis. His mother on the other hand is not allowed to see him. Her parents will not drop the PFA because they do not want things to go back to they way they were. Today I moved into an apartment away from my mother and away from my old way of life forever. I am going to change....I am not going to be abusive anymore to anyone. I just hope that I can help the innocent woman whom I made NUMB get feeling, life and self esteem back. Maybe someday after she sees that I have indeed changed then we can start over.
Dear Giffin,
I've read your horrific experience and accounts of your historical abusive events.
You asked Can Abusers change?
I hope you have self-control as you read my reply to your question.
As an Abuser, you have to accept comments that are going to incite hostility from you. You will always encounter situations in which you are going to be a target and be provoked.
From what I have read about your too honest message, is that you should count your lucky stars that you are not in jail for 10 years or more, considering some of the GRUESOME incriminating behaviours that you, yourself has confessed to doing.
Which shows clearly, that you have a long long long way to go with your rehabilitation program and counselling.
A little bit is never going to do it and neither is it going to compensate all those terrrible deeds or harmful behaviours you inflicted on others, mostly those who are your own loved ones, even your own spouse who is now deemed helpless and NUMB AS YOU REFER TO.
YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO EVEN SAY THAT YOU ARE GUILTY OF MAKING YOUR SPOUSE OR FORMER WIFE "NUMB".
LET ME SAY THIS, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THE MEANING OF THE WORD NUMB OR SORRY IF IT STARED YOU RIGHT IN THE FACE.
ITS NICE TO SEE THAT YOU'RE A SMARTY PANTS IN BEING HONEST ABOUT HOW YOU MISTREATED YOUR WIFE AND HOW YOU SEXUALLY ABUSED HER AND POSSIBLY MORE.
YOU USE THE WORD "COERCING SEX" TO CLEARLY STATE AS PLAIN AS BLUE SKY TO TELL THE WHOLE WORLD HOW YOU SEXUALLY ABUSED YOUR WIFE BY FORCE DESPITE HER SAYING "NO" OR "I'M NOT IN THE MOOD FOR IT".
THIS IS AN INCRIMINATING BEHAVIOUR THAT IS NOT ONLY DEGRADING, PAINFUL, TRAUMATIZING, BUT ALSO VERY DAMAGING TO YOUR WIFE IN MANY YEARS TO COME.
HOW DARE YOU AND YOUR SORRY PAST AND HISTORY OF ABUSE COULD BE A JUSTIFICATION FOR YOU TO DESTROY YOUR WIFE, WHOM YOU SAY HAS NOT ONLY BEEN IN JAIL, BUT, IS AT A SHELTER AND IS HOMELESS.
WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO THINK THAT YOU CAN JUST TRANSFER YOUR ABUSIVE PAIN AND AFFLICTIONS TO THE WOMAN WHO WAS ALREADY IN DEPRESSION, AND A VICTIM OF MANY MISFORTUNATES.
AS FAR AS I'M CONCERN, YOU HAVE ONLY STARTED TO SCRATCH THE SURFACE OF YOUR PROBLEM. YOU HAVE A LOT TO OWE NOT ONLY TO YOURSELF, YOUR WIFE AND EVERYBODY ELSE WHOM YOU HAVE TERRORIZED AND VICTIMIZED.
AS SOON AS I READ YOUR MESSAGE I KNEW WHAT WAS WRONG WITH YOUR MIND.
YOU ARE TERRIBLY TERRIBLY VERY ILL AND NEED NOT ONLY COUNSELLING, BUT, PSYCHIATRIC ATTENTION.
I CAN SEE ALREADY THAT YOU HAVE SEVERAL ISSUES THAT YOU NEED TO ADDRESS IF YOU WANT TO FULLY REHABILITATE YOURSELF.
YOU WILL ALSO NEED SEXUAL ABUSE COUNSELLING. YOU MAY NEED MEDICATION TO ASSIST YOU WITH CONTROLLING YOUR ANGER AND OTHER PAINS THAT YOU HAVE. ONE FORM OF COUNSELLING IS NOT GOING TO WORK FOR YOU.
SINCE YOU WERE A VICTIM OF SEXUAL ABUSE AND MOLESTATION AT THE AGE OF 4 - 14 YEARS, YOU WILL NOW NEED TO CALL UPON ALL YOUR RESOURCES TO CLEANSE YOURSELF OF ALL THOSE BURDENS, SHADOWS AND PAINS THAT HAVE ENSLAVED YOU IN THE PAST AND NOW.
AND THERE HAS BEEN NO FORM OF SEXUAL ABUSE COUNSELLING SINCE THEN UNTIL NOW AT THE AGE OF 32.
NOW YOU ARE GOING TO DICK DEEP AND WORK A LOT MORE HARDER AND DEEPER TO GET ALL THAT NONSENSE AND RUBBISH THAT IS ROOTED INSIDE OF YOU.
IT WILL TAKE AT LEAST 5 - 10 YEARS OF COUNSELLING BEFORE YOU CAN BE DECLARED AS A MENTALLY FIT AND ABLE PERSON TO BE WITH YOUR WIFE AND ANYONE ELSE IN SOCIETY.
YOU ARE WHAT WE CALL A VERY VERY DANGEROUS PERSON AND SHOULD BE PLACED IN SOLITARY CONFINEMENT UNTIL ARE FIT ENOUGH TO BE RELEASED BACK INTO SOCIETY.
YOU SHOULD CONSIDER THAT YOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN A SECOND CHANCE NOT ONLY BY THE POLICE, THE JUDGE, THE LEGAL SYSTEM OR JUDICIARY BRANCH, AND ALSO BY SOCIETY AS A WHOLE AS NOTED BY YOUR COMMENTS OF PEOPLE SUCH AS YOUR BOSS AND OTHERS WHOM YOU HAVE SHARED YOUR COUNSELLING OR ABUSE PROGRAM TO.
NO POINT IN WRITING YOUR MESSAGE ABOUT YOUR NEEDING HELP AND FEELING SORRY ABOUT YOUR WIFE, AND YOU DON'T DO NOTHING TO REHABILITATE YOURSELF.
YOU HAVEN'T SAID ANYTHING ABOUT WHETHER YOU WERE ALSO IN AND OUT OF PRISON.
I CAN SAY NOW, THAT, JUST BY READING YOUR DETAILED ACCOUNTS, YOU ARE NOT VERY FAR FROM KILLING SOMEONE ONE DAY. IF ITS NOT NOW, TOMORROW, OR NEXT WEEK, IT MAY BE IN 5 YEARS TIME OR IN A YEAR.
HEED MY TEACHINGS AND ADVICE. IF YOU'RE SERIOUS ABOUT CHANGING YOUR LIFE AROUND, GET REAL AND DO IT, STARTING TOMORROW.
IT WOULD BE INTERESTING TO HEAR IN 6 MONTHS TIME, WHETHER YOU HAVE PROGRESSED IN YOUR REHABILITATION OR HAVE YOU BECOME NUMBED OR PARALYZED.
A LITTLE BIT IS NOTHING. IF YOU WANT THE ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION, YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO WORK 10 TIMES MORE TO REAP THE BENEFITS OF YOUR REHABILITATION PROGRAMME AND GET MORE MEANINGFUL ANSWERS TO YOUR QUESTION AS POSED:
CAN ABUSERS CHANGE?
YOU WILL NEVER FIND OUT THE REAL ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION UNTIL YOU HAVE DONE THE WORK THAT IS REQUIRED OF YOU WITH YOUR REHABILITATION.
NO ONE CAN GIVE YOU A DEFINITE ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION UNTIL YOU HAVE REACHED THE STAGE OF FULL RECOVERY, WHICH UNFORTUNATELY, YOU STILL HAVEN'T QUITE GOT THERE YET.
YOU GOT A LOT OF WORK TO DO. IF YOU'RE SO SMART I WOULD URGE YOU TO READ AS MUCH AS POSSIBLY ABOUT WOMEN'S ISSUES, ABUSE, EFFECTS OF SEXUAL ABUSE ON THE VICTIMS, AND SO FORTH.
YOU MAY EVEN TRY GOING TO WORKSHOPS WHERE VICTIMS OF ABUSE TALK ABOUT THEIR HORRIFIC ORDEALS.
ONE SHOULD KNOW ABOUT THE EFFECTS OF THEIR BEHAVIOURS TO FULLY UNDERSTAND THE LONG-TERM EFFECTS OF THEIR ABUSIVE BEHAVIOURS.
I WONDER WHAT HAPPEN TO THE BOY WHO ABUSED YOU AND YOUR BROTHER WHEN YOU WERE BOTH YOUNG.
WHY DIDN'T YOU DEAL WITH IT AT THE TIME? HOW COME YOUR PARENTS DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT THE SEXUAL ABUSE BY THAT BOY?
I WOULD BE VERY SAD TO KNOW THAT THE BOY WHO ABUSED YOU AS A CHILD HAS ALREADY HARMED OTHER YOUNG BOYS OR GIRLS.
YOU REALLY ARE A HORROR STORY OR A THRILLER THAT WOULD MAKE ONE CRINGE.
OBVIOUSLY, YOU SEEMED TO HAVE LACKED GOOD ROLE MODELS AT THE TIME AND WAS POSSIBLY NEGLECTED AT TIMES. YOUR WELCOME TO REPLY TO SOME OF MY COMMENTS.
The comment you made as follows:
"I just hope that I can help the innocent woman whom I made NUMB get feeling, life and self esteem back. Maybe someday after she sees that I have indeed changed then we can start over."
LET ME TELL YOU NOW, THAT THIS WISH OR DREAM OF YOURS WILL NEVER HAPPEN.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT YOUR WIFE IS GOING TO WANT YOU BACK INTO HER LIFE?
AFTER ALL THE DAMAGE YOU HAD DONE WITHOUT MERCY.
THAT IS WISHFUL THINKING. ONCE SOMEONE IS FULLY REHABILITATED AND HAS RECOVERED FROM THEIR ABUSIVE BEHAVIOUR, YOU WILL NEVER WANT TO GO BACK THERE OR IN THE PAST.
IF YOU DO WANT TO GO TO THE PAST, THEN, YOU ARE ADMITTING THAT YOU NEVER HAD ANY INTENTION TO REHABILITATE YOURSELF IN THE FIRST PLACE and move on.
YOU MIGHT CHANGE YOUR OUTLOOK, IF YOU BECOME FULLY REHABILITATED AND YOU SEE THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL.
JUST BECAUSE, THERE IS A CHANCE THAT YOU ARE GOING TO CHANGE, DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOUR WIFE, IS GOING TO WANT YOU BACK OR COME RUNNING BACK TO YOU.
NO ONE CAN CHANGE ANOTHER PERSON. IT IS A SHAME THAT YOU LEFT IT RATHER TOO LATE THIS REHABILITATION OR COUNSELLING. BUT, ITS BETTER NOW THEN, NEVER AT ALL.
I hope that I've unravelled some mysteries with your case.
I don't blame that other reply from someone else to your message.
I just hope that you'll stop being argumentative, but, let it sink into your head.
You're lucky that Dr. Phil is a busy man and has a busy schedule, because I'm sure he would love to reply to you which he hasn't the time to.
So, I have taken that liberty to reply to you personally.
LETS SEE SOME PROGRESS.
OH YES. I ALMOST FORGOT. THE COMMENT THAT PATHETIC POLICE SAID TO YOUR WIFE AS FOLLOWS:
."Put your hands over your face and head and curl up".
IT SPEAKS LOUD AND CLEAR, THAT, YOU HAVE FREQUENTLY, ASSAULTED YOUR WIFE OR INFLICTED GRIEVOUS BODILY HARM TO HER BODY.
POLICE SHOULD HAVE ADVICED HER THAT IF YOU TRY TO ASSAULT HER, GIVE THEM A CALL, AND THEY'LL LOCK YOU UP. RATHER THEN, COVER YOUR FACE AND CURL UP.
YOU SHOULD TARGET THAT ANGER INTO SOME SPORT OR A HOBBY RATHER THEN YOUR WIFE.
COME ON, YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT. IF YOU ARE REALLY SMART, YOU'LL FIND OTHER MORE CONSTRUCTIVE MEANS OF DE-STRESSING YOURSELF OR DEALING WITH YOUR ANGER AND TEMPER OR SELF-CONTROL.
ITS ALL VERY NICE TO GIVE PEOPLE SO MANY ADVICES, BUT, THERE IS ALSO THE BENEFIT OF A DOUBT, WHEN, FINANCE OR MONEY IS ANY ISSUE. I SHOULD BILL YOU FOR THE USAGE OF MY POWER TO WRITE REPLY.
I AM GENEROUS TODAY.
I BETTER LET YOU GET BACK TO WORK AS YOU GOT A LOT TO DO.
Peace Out
ET
They’re slapped, beaten and bruised. Sometimes, the violence doesn’t end until they’re dead. Dr. Phil talks to women who say they are the victims of abuse and need an intervention before it’s too late. Michelle says her boyfriend, Ryan, flies off the handle over the smallest issues. She reveals that he began hitting her when she was pregnant with their son. Ryan says he can’t control his anger because his own dad was abusive with him as a child. Is it too late for Ryan to change? Then, Linda says her fiancé, Eddie, shot her in the eye and nearly killed her when she threatened to leave him. He’s now serving only four years in prison because, Linda says, she lied to the police and called the shooting accidental. Her mom, Jody, says she’s sickened that Linda still cares for the man who almost took her life. Will Linda stop loving the man who shot her and learn how to have healthy relationships? Talk about the show here.
