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Topic : 07/28 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Number of Replies: 408
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Thursday, April 27, 2006, 07:15:59 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 05/05/06) Do you and your spouse burn with passion in the bedroom, or is your sex life more like an ice-cold shower? Dr. Phil speaks with couples who say their sex styles just don't match. First, meet Leigh, who just wants a kiss on the lips from his fiancée, Jill, but she would prefer to bite him. Leigh says they haven't had a make-out session in the two years they've dated, but he's gotten plenty of bruises! Then, meet Christy and Ben. Christy says that with two kids, sex has become just another job to check off her list. In order to have sex more often, Ben came up with an idea so they both could get what they want. He created a sex menu called "Chez Christy" where he could order what sex act he wanted, and then pay her for it. Christy was fine with this arrangement in the beginning, but now finds herself crying afterward. Plus, a man who loves to paint his toenails, a woman who can't say any word that sounds dirty, and more! Join the discussion.

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May 5, 2006, 1:20 pm CDT

I'm the one that wants sex...

 Here is my problem.  I am the wife and i am the one that wants sex.  Before my husband and I were married we had a great sex life!!!  We have been married for 6 months and for these months our sex life has been almost non-existant.  We used to have sex at least 10 times a week and now we might have sex 3-4 times a month.  I have talked with him about it and I have even told him that it makes me sad.  I have been turned down so many times that I don't even try and I even fantasize about having sex with other men.    We have talked about this SEVERAL times and he says "well, I hate that you feel bad.  it is not you .  not at all.  I just don't feel like it"  Unfortunately, that does not make me feel better. We are two young professionals in our 20's. It is not like were old and we don't even have kids so that is no excuse.   One of the things that really gets me is that there is such a stereotype that women are the ones that withhold sex and that is totally not the case in my house.  I can't help but think that other men would love to have a wife that would want to have sex.
 
May 5, 2006, 1:22 pm CDT

What?????

Quote From: emtangel73

im watching the dr. phil show right now and this woman, this biter...is REALLY annoying. i cant believe that her fiance actually puts up with it.. 

  

i understand she has intimacy issues, and i hope she is able to work thru those issues. but how is she comfortable enough to continually bite him?! 

Oh, Lord ....get this girl some celery ........... The menu couple.... well, maybe she could start     ordering stuff from him for awhile ..... They did have a sense of humor....and creativity they get a plus there.
 
May 5, 2006, 1:25 pm CDT

05/05 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: judyblue22

I think to be a good spouse, we need to give in to each other's sexual desires.  

  

In my marriage, we both try our level best to meet each other's sexual needs, but neither one of us is interested in using the other just to "get off".  If I'm not in the mood, I spend time trying to create a feeling of desire.  He is a little less active during the NHL playoffs, but usually he's willing to try for me too.  We are both understanding if we really can't get it "up" but it doesn't happen much.  grinLuckily, we really do know each other's hot zones so we can usually get things going. 

I agree, as long as each partner is willing. But if one person isn't in the mood and they are felt that they need to put out in order to be a good spouse then that is sick.  I wouldn't do that in my relationship. I guess each person can do what they want with in their sex life, but I think that any person who puts up with that kind of pressure has issues.

But I do agree with you that it's possible to get yourself in the mood, but only if you WANT to get in the mood. IMO sex is such a small part of a relationship. At least it's a small part of my relationship.
 
May 5, 2006, 1:34 pm CDT

Where do i get a copy??

Where do I get a copy of Chez Christy?? I love this idea. Please help find me a copy of this menu!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
May 5, 2006, 1:35 pm CDT

05/05 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

I  am watching the Dr. Phil show right now. And they mentioned that women when they say "Romance" they want the man to do chores, clean, and take the kids. Well, that is what my guy does now. And I do inbrace that however, I think that"romance" is flowers and gifts, because I never get that!
 
May 5, 2006, 1:38 pm CDT

I want one too.....

Quote From: mrice_75

Dr. Phil  

I would love to have a copy of the "Menu" for my husband and myself.  We love to find things like this just for kicks.  We have a very healthy sex life and  I don't think he would actually pay me for sexual favors nor would I expect him to. Thanks Dr. Phil  

I feel the same way. I love this idea. Just for "Spice". Its new and different. Why stay with the same mold.
 
May 5, 2006, 1:38 pm CDT

05/05 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: lh2000

It is possible he is not going to the DR because he is afraid the DR will tell him there is nothing he can do and that will leave him.  So he keeps putting it off not to frustrate you but to keep you just a bit longer.   

  

Unless you can assure him that what ever the DR says you love him and are commited to him then I cannot imagine he has any incentive to give you bad news.   

  

Also the man has a medical problem that affects his sex drive and your are feeling rejected and unwanted?  Would you be happy with non-sexual attention?  The more presure you put on men the more they avoid it.  Fear of failure can make little peter very limp if you know what I mean.  You need a non sexual physical relationship and try to be happy with that.  Take off the presure and you will probaby hit a happy medium faster then with ultimatatums. 

The problem isn't impotence....There is no problem with that...It is just getting in the mood...Initiating sex. I am happy with a nonsexual attention...but at some point what is the difference between lovers and a good friendship? I really appreciate your input on this subject. I think he is worried it is going to be one more thing he is going to have to take.(insulin and thyroid medicine)THANK YOU
 
May 5, 2006, 1:41 pm CDT

I completely understand...

Quote From: mschristal

 Here is my problem.  I am the wife and i am the one that wants sex.  Before my husband and I were married we had a great sex life!!!  We have been married for 6 months and for these months our sex life has been almost non-existant.  We used to have sex at least 10 times a week and now we might have sex 3-4 times a month.  I have talked with him about it and I have even told him that it makes me sad.  I have been turned down so many times that I don't even try and I even fantasize about having sex with other men.    We have talked about this SEVERAL times and he says "well, I hate that you feel bad.  it is not you .  not at all.  I just don't feel like it"  Unfortunately, that does not make me feel better. We are two young professionals in our 20's. It is not like were old and we don't even have kids so that is no excuse.   One of the things that really gets me is that there is such a stereotype that women are the ones that withhold sex and that is totally not the case in my house.  I can't help but think that other men would love to have a wife that would want to have sex.
I know what you are going through. I am in the same place..Good luck...if you have any luck..let me know.
 
May 5, 2006, 1:50 pm CDT

05/05 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: vickies35

I've read all of the posts about this show that will be playing in my city today.  I'm going to watch it but I couldn't help but post a comment of my own.  I've been married for 17 years and, for the most part, am extremely happy.  All but the sex.  Both my husband and I were virgins when we got married so neither of us had a CLUE what sex would be like OR if we'd like it.  In some ways I feel like I got robbed because , of course, he LOVES it and I hate it.  It's very much a job for me and always has been.  My dream marriage would consist of all that we have minus any form of sex.  Of course his would be all that we have and sex twice a week.  I feel horribly that I can't just pretend to like it.  In the past I've tried a few things. I've pretended to like it.  I've told him that I'm NEVER going to want it but I understand that he needs it so if he wants to do it he can.  He knows that for the most part, I'm just laying there waiting for it to be over.  My guilt over this has always been great because he's the most amazing person I've ever known.  We have 4 wonderful children and an amazing life.  I just wish I could make myself want to change the whole sex thing.  I hate it, I'm never going to like it or want it but this marriage just isn't about me.  I give in other areas that I hate too, like gallons of laundry and dishes coming out the wazoo so I realize that I could just "push through the burn" about sex but it's very intimate for him and I don't want him to feel like I'm just putting up with it.  But that's the reality.  I have NO clue how to change it and given the choice, I wouldn't change my sex (sexless) drive.  I like how I feel about sex but it's not working for us.  He's such an amazing person.  We've gone months and months without having sex and he's NEVER angry or hurtful about it.  He patiently just waits for me to be ok with it.  I just wonder if I'll ever get why God created men and women sooooooo differently about sex drives.  I hope he doesn't get so frustrated with me that he looks somewhere else for his satisfaction but I guess if he did, I couldn't blame him.  Ugh.......ok......wow........this is such a long post.  Anywho.......I'll be open to any suggestions or comments.
I agree with Judy. This isn't normal or healthy and you should have yourself checked out by a Dr.

Also, and please be honest, have you ever had a real orgams (for sure, some women THINK they are having orgasms and they aren't because they don't know HOW)  because if you haven't then sex might seem somewhat boring to you. Not that orgasms are the end all be all of sex, but it might really effect how you personally feel about it.

It might do you some real good to lay in bed one day when you have some time to yourself and just touch yourself, expore yourself, see what feels good, see what you like. Get a vibrator if you want. Even watch some porn and see if something in specific revs you up.

A lot of times womens sexuality is a minor part of sex in this world.  So spend time with yourself and learn about your sexual self.

Also, sex can be amazing when you love someone as much as you say you love your husband. Believe me, sex can also just be about satisfaction. But sex can be a deeply moving experience. Both bodies moving together in a completely pleasure giving way. The closeness, the nakedness, the vulnerability yet the power each partner has.

Don't let yourself miss out on this AMAZING part of life. Please see a Dr and honestly try the things you are reading in this thread. And please, if you want to email me you can and you can get more detailed advice from me if you want and you can also keep me updated if you need someone to talk to about this, the internet is a very easy way to get something off your chest with out being embarassed in front of people you know.
 
May 5, 2006, 1:52 pm CDT

05/05 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: mohuney

Where do I get a copy of Chez Christy?? I love this idea. Please help find me a copy of this menu!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think it's probably a pretty individual and private list...lol, I would start from scratch if I were you!
 
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