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Topic : 07/28 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Number of Replies: 408
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Thursday, April 27, 2006, 07:15:59 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 05/05/06) Do you and your spouse burn with passion in the bedroom, or is your sex life more like an ice-cold shower? Dr. Phil speaks with couples who say their sex styles just don't match. First, meet Leigh, who just wants a kiss on the lips from his fiancée, Jill, but she would prefer to bite him. Leigh says they haven't had a make-out session in the two years they've dated, but he's gotten plenty of bruises! Then, meet Christy and Ben. Christy says that with two kids, sex has become just another job to check off her list. In order to have sex more often, Ben came up with an idea so they both could get what they want. He created a sex menu called "Chez Christy" where he could order what sex act he wanted, and then pay her for it. Christy was fine with this arrangement in the beginning, but now finds herself crying afterward. Plus, a man who loves to paint his toenails, a woman who can't say any word that sounds dirty, and more! Join the discussion.

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May 5, 2006, 1:52 pm CDT

clean talker?

clean talker eh well you have to know the diffence between the peinse and a cockpit and other parts of the body to other things hate to see christy in home home lol 

 
May 5, 2006, 1:52 pm CDT

help

i am a 21 year old mother to a set of boy girl twins and a 2 year old son. i have been with my hubby for almost 3 years. when we first got together we had a hot sex life. everyday at least 2 times a day. after i had my son i was in alot of pain during sex and not during sex. after a year of pain and talking to my doctor we finally found out that i had severe endometriosis and polycystic ovarian syndrome. there were problems trying to conceive and just excruciating pain. now i have absolutely no interst in sex. does anyone have any opinions or advice to offer to me that may help me get over the fear and get more interested?  

        

 
May 5, 2006, 1:58 pm CDT

05/05 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: purplepain

I agree, as long as each partner is willing. But if one person isn't in the mood and they are felt that they need to put out in order to be a good spouse then that is sick.  I wouldn't do that in my relationship. I guess each person can do what they want with in their sex life, but I think that any person who puts up with that kind of pressure has issues.

But I do agree with you that it's possible to get yourself in the mood, but only if you WANT to get in the mood. IMO sex is such a small part of a relationship. At least it's a small part of my relationship.
I would put out if I didn't want to and he did, I really would- but he is just as turned off by that as I am. He wants the whole enchilada or nothing at all. I could probably make him do me even if he wasn't into it.  He would do it but we never have-I just don't have any interest in such an act.
 
May 5, 2006, 2:00 pm CDT

05/05 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: vickies35

I've read all of the posts about this show that will be playing in my city today.  I'm going to watch it but I couldn't help but post a comment of my own.  I've been married for 17 years and, for the most part, am extremely happy.  All but the sex.  Both my husband and I were virgins when we got married so neither of us had a CLUE what sex would be like OR if we'd like it.  In some ways I feel like I got robbed because , of course, he LOVES it and I hate it.  It's very much a job for me and always has been.  My dream marriage would consist of all that we have minus any form of sex.  Of course his would be all that we have and sex twice a week.  I feel horribly that I can't just pretend to like it.  In the past I've tried a few things. I've pretended to like it.  I've told him that I'm NEVER going to want it but I understand that he needs it so if he wants to do it he can.  He knows that for the most part, I'm just laying there waiting for it to be over.  My guilt over this has always been great because he's the most amazing person I've ever known.  We have 4 wonderful children and an amazing life.  I just wish I could make myself want to change the whole sex thing.  I hate it, I'm never going to like it or want it but this marriage just isn't about me.  I give in other areas that I hate too, like gallons of laundry and dishes coming out the wazoo so I realize that I could just "push through the burn" about sex but it's very intimate for him and I don't want him to feel like I'm just putting up with it.  But that's the reality.  I have NO clue how to change it and given the choice, I wouldn't change my sex (sexless) drive.  I like how I feel about sex but it's not working for us.  He's such an amazing person.  We've gone months and months without having sex and he's NEVER angry or hurtful about it.  He patiently just waits for me to be ok with it.  I just wonder if I'll ever get why God created men and women sooooooo differently about sex drives.  I hope he doesn't get so frustrated with me that he looks somewhere else for his satisfaction but I guess if he did, I couldn't blame him.  Ugh.......ok......wow........this is such a long post.  Anywho.......I'll be open to any suggestions or comments.
Also, are you on any meds? Are you depressed?  Were you raised in a home where womens sexuality was never mentioned or was trivialized? It's very very possible that something like that has seeped into your mind and is now causing you to feel unsexual.

It seems to me that you have a very negative inner dialog about sex, cognative therapy can help with that, it can change the way you feel about yourself sexually.

Your post made me so so so sad hon...I really hope you can fix this! Sex can be SOOOO awesome!
 
May 5, 2006, 2:02 pm CDT

get a therapist

Quote From: carysmum

What I want to know is how come its always the men that seem to want it more? Whats wrong with you women out there???? I have recently had my first child and my sex drive never changed throughout preganncy!!! My fiancees did however and it has never picked up again. Im frustrated to no means. I feel like he thinks hed be sleeping with HIS mother. I have discussed it with him, and he has the same blase attitude I think most women take on. "Its just sex" or "I dont feel like it right now" I mean come on. If all men are the same, then why is he so different? And NO, he is not having an affair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You were the exception to the rule if your sex drive did not change during pregnancy and postpartum.  There is nothing wrong with women who don't have your experience, the opposite of what happened to you is most common. 

  

Your boyfriend's reaction to your pregancy and birth experience is not so uncommon.  Some men have difficulty seeing their partners in a sexual way once the woman has become a mom.  Loss of true libido is rare in men.  Loss of desire is the real problem here.  Men lose their sexual desires for a handful of reasons; marital stress, work related stress, drug abuse, depression, ect...   

  

Your guy is having a psychological reaction to the changes in his life.  Before this goes any further please convince him to talk to a therapist about this.  He needs someone to help him process what are probably a lot of unresolved feelings about his sexual partner becoming a mother.  Don't let him blow this off like it is no big deal, it could ruin your chances at a happy marriage.  Good luck! 

 
May 5, 2006, 2:06 pm CDT

Cheater

Im 22 and I have been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years now. We also share a 2 year old. We have a great sex life but I still think about other men. I flirt all the time with men over the internet and I have cheated on him several times. At first I figured it was an issue with our sex life but I have re-evaluated that and I do not think that is the issue. I love the thrill I have and the attention I get from other men.  

I do love my boyfriend. I just wish I was happy with being with JUST him. I seem to want others as well. How am I suppose to make our relationship work when I cant keep my eyes in my head?  

 
May 5, 2006, 2:06 pm CDT

05/05 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: judyblue22

I would put out if I didn't want to and he did, I really would- but he is just as turned off by that as I am. He wants the whole enchilada or nothing at all. I could probably make him do me even if he wasn't into it.  He would do it but we never have-I just don't have any interest in such an act.
See, I am also turned off by this and there is no way I would ever do it. Even if it didn't bother him. I might be able to be psychoanalized over it, I was molested, blah blah blah...but I hate the idea of a woman giving in sexually when she doesn't want to..it makes me ill. Especially when it's justified by "men are very sexual!"...cause I think that's just bull LOL

I like your writing style Judy. :)
 
May 5, 2006, 2:13 pm CDT

Big red flag

Quote From: mschristal

 Here is my problem.  I am the wife and i am the one that wants sex.  Before my husband and I were married we had a great sex life!!!  We have been married for 6 months and for these months our sex life has been almost non-existant.  We used to have sex at least 10 times a week and now we might have sex 3-4 times a month.  I have talked with him about it and I have even told him that it makes me sad.  I have been turned down so many times that I don't even try and I even fantasize about having sex with other men.    We have talked about this SEVERAL times and he says "well, I hate that you feel bad.  it is not you .  not at all.  I just don't feel like it"  Unfortunately, that does not make me feel better. We are two young professionals in our 20's. It is not like were old and we don't even have kids so that is no excuse.   One of the things that really gets me is that there is such a stereotype that women are the ones that withhold sex and that is totally not the case in my house.  I can't help but think that other men would love to have a wife that would want to have sex.

It is NOT that he "just doesn't feel like it".   For a man to go from having a great sex drive to no sex drive at his age is a HUGE red flag.   

  

He either has a physical problem (diabetes, prostate trouble, ect) or a psychological one.  Either way, insist that he see a doctor to get some answers and some help.  He needs to grow up and face the fact that there is something going on under the surface that needs to be addressed. 

  

Good luck! 

 
May 5, 2006, 2:15 pm CDT

05/05 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: purplepain

See, I am also turned off by this and there is no way I would ever do it. Even if it didn't bother him. I might be able to be psychoanalized over it, I was molested, blah blah blah...but I hate the idea of a woman giving in sexually when she doesn't want to..it makes me ill. Especially when it's justified by "men are very sexual!"...cause I think that's just bull LOL

I like your writing style Judy. :)
I like yours too :)
 
May 5, 2006, 2:19 pm CDT

05/05 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Ok I am finally seeing the episode and I have to say...Christ is ADORABLE! I love her to death already just over the screen! I can see why her husband loves to be with her so much, she is a RIOT!

I thought this segment would make me mad but it's so cute....what a cute couple, I sure hope Dr Phil can help them...LOL
 
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