Topic : Infertility

 Kim,

I have not figured out how to shorten the quote on here, so I always end up having the same one in my replies!

It is really you and your husband's choice who you tell.  It has been my experience that the children in our family have been kinder.  Children are generally more accepting of differences than adults.  My DH and I are both caucasian and neither of our kids are, so I was worried about the same thing!  Everyone has come around now, but it wasn't the kids that caused a problem for us in the beginning...

I wish you the best of luck and can answer questions and direct you to resources if you like!

Seesha

Kim,

The fact that you are open to different races can make your adoption faster, and sometimes cheaper, too.  I have one hispanic and one AA/hispanic child.  As I stated in an earlier post we are both white!  However, I was raised with two bio  siblings and two adopted from Korea, so I was used to being in a multi-cultural family.

Having dogs is not a bad thing.  What some birthmom's dislike, others love.  We had two dogs the first time we were adopting and that's one of the reasons we were chosen the first time!  The second go around we were chosen because she liked our parenting style and also thought that the baby would be about the same color as our oldest child (which he is) and she liked the fact he would have an older brother.

Our adoptions, after homestudy, finalization, etc were between $15K and $18K.  With the first adoption, we used a 401K loan and due to the tax break when we finalized, we paid it off in two years.  This time, we put it on a credit card that had 0% interest for 15 months and then transferred it when that ran out to another one.  The tax break for adoption has increased to $10K so, we are hoping to pay that one off this year.  You only get the tax break after you finalized, but some of the expenses can be carried over after that.  I don't understand all of that and the first time we adopted was also the first time we paid someone else to do our taxes!

We are by no means rich.  God has richly blessed us with our children and He provided the way.  Yes, you have to borrow, etc. but God can and will provide a way!

We never sent out letters to families and friends.  We called our family and told our church friends, but that was about it. 

Our "open" adoptions are not quite as open as some people's.  I have met my oldest child's birthmom and have seen her two times since his birth.  I have never met my youngest child's birthmom.

I would definately recommend using an agency, but that is my personal preference.  I would research agencies (I'll look up a website that can help you with that and post it sometime in the near future) and find one that is non-profit and has the child's best interest in mind.  The agency I used (located in Dallas, TX) is a Christian based agency.  They are very good.  They do not place a child in your home until they know he/she is staying there.  You don't get to choose the sex of the child, but I don't mind that.  There are some agencies that let you choose the sex, but they warn that it could take longer.

I was there when my oldest child was born and brought him home from the hospital.  I was called the day after my youngest child was born and I got him when he was 4 days old.  Infant births are not greedy or selfish.  These children need homes, too. 

There is a yahoo group I am a member of.  It is  http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Adoption_a_gift_of_love.  You can join it and get a wealth of information, and I would also introduce myself to you with my real name. 

I'll try to find that other website for you soon.  My son is calling for help, so I better go.

Seesha

Hi Melody, My name is Lisa and my story is similar. To get information about getting your tubes untied, ask your OB, or go on line and type infertilty in (your state). I've chosen In Vitro Fertilization, because to me it was the pain of losing my daughter, Ireland. In April, 2005 she died at three weeks old. She was everything i've ever dreampt about. IVF gives me the option to choose the sex. A tubial reversle is a lot cheaper, but the sucess rate isn't as high. Some dr.'s however say that natural is best, and disagree.

I'm sorry if this is going to come out the wrong way. But are you a grief counselor, or a Dr, by chance?  

I thought these message boards were designed for people to find comfort and support. That's kind of what I was looking for.  

  

I have been to grief counseling, I've been to many support groups. Grief is an entirely different subject than infertility. My grief and my pain will last a lifetime whether or not I have another child. I will always grief for Ireland, and I will always cherish my three weeks with her. Counselors can not put a time line on grief. They do not not say;  "Well it's been x amount of years, you can now make decisions." When people lose babies by miscarriage it's up to them to know when and how to start again. As women, our bodies tell us. My body aches for a little girl. My heart melts when I see the dresses, hair ties, and flowers. I may not have felt this way if I hadn't held her. You can read my story at this website: http://www.ireland-hendrickson.memory-of.com/about.aspx  

  

My solution to my grief is not to replace my daughter, but to find hope. To dream, to know there is a possibilty to complete me. I'm empty without my dreams. (When a pet dies, most people go out and buy another. Not to replace the one they had, but to fill the void they feel.) I know this is not a comparison, I just stumped upon it as an example.  

  

I'm sorry to sound so rude and defensive, but your response took me by surprise.  

I will speak to the two issues separately.

First of all, I am sorry for the loss of your daughter. I saw you as having alot of pain and still grieving. I tempered and didn't speak to the infertility side of your post with the intention of seeing you as a grieving mother.

Second of all, I don't see you as an infertile woman. I see you as a woman who chose to be infertile. First because you are a woman  who chose to have her tubes tied and now regrets her decision. Second because you aren't looking for motherhood the way infertile women look for it. I have never heard an infertile woman who "elected" to have a more expensive procedure because they wanted a girl.

I do see you as a grieving mother who is experiencing a natural effect of her grief. I don't see your post as a natural effect of the grief of infertility.

Kim

 This was my last cycle of clomid and nadda. I guess it is finally time to accept that His plan for my bearing children is complete. Maybe one day we will be able to afford an adoption. Until then, I will count my blessings. Hope you all have better answers than myself-Lora

I have a son that we adopted through the foster care system.  It is a much cheaper route, if you can handle the emotions involved.  My situation was a little different, we were unable to get pregnant at the time(and still haven't successfully kept a pregnancy), but we got into foster care becuase we knew this little boy would be in the foster system soon and we wanted to be their for him.  his parents never were able to get him back, we didn't think they would, that's why we stepped in, and we were able to adopt him for the cost of the court fees involved in the adoption.  $3000.  My mother in law did the same thing with my sons older sister, and her costs were very similar.  Most states have a "Flexible families" or similar program where children are placed in your home with the intent that you will be able to adopt, and you can specify newborns, sex, race, etc..  My mother in law has since adopted two beautiful girls this way.  They were both placed in her home striaight from the hospital.  The down side is the emotional roller coaster of  "are we going to be able to adopt this child that we have fallen in love with, or are their parents going to get it together?"  And, once the child is adoptable, the process of actually adopting can take a while. 

  

The plus side, it's alot cheaper, and foster care pays you for the children while they are in your home and if they are adopted to you with health issues, the state will continue to pay for their health care after you adopt.  The process to become a foster parent doesn't take any longer than process to apply for adotpion.  And sometimes the wait for getting a child is shorter.  You can always look at it from this perspective.  Even if you didn't get to adopt each child that was placed in your home,  you got to be thier mother for awhile and give them the love thier parents couldn't.  Each child needs someone to love them.  Their are so many children in the foster system that need a home.   

  

So, I'm definitly not saying this is the best option, or the easiest, but it is another option I thought you might want to know about. 

 I hated to hear that this cycle didn't produce. We're probably headed along the same path now. I know you're going to have a fabulous little addition to your family in good time.

It's difficult not to be able to find a tangible solution to infertility. Don't sell yourself short on having achieved two beautiful boys. Remember to let yourself grieve and make sure to make your husband give you some support during this time.

I hope you aren't like me during the start of a cycle. I am completely thankful I don't have a period more than once a month. If I did, I would probably be permanently dehydrated and really fat as I too often end up in tears and finding a chocolate bar at least once.

Stick around and let us know what's happening with your process. Are you already comfortable in your skin with the idea of adoption? It took me so long to "accept" the fact that that might be our road that it took longer to address the fears I had about it. Anyways, good luck through this thing Lora, I'm sure your family will be complete soon.

Kim

 heard what your experience with that was. That is something my husband and I have discussed. Neither one of us has any experience with the foster care system and don't know how it works. We plan on setting up a time later this year to meet with the local people. We definitely think waiting until we are really set up in ideal fashion would be best there, as we both sort-of have the idea that our home would be under scrutiny. We have three bedrooms here, but I don't think we are set-up well for play time and such. Since we are very eager to buy a house, it seems reasonable to wait until we have to apply.

I know this is a strange question, but having no experience we are totally without knowledge, when you apply to foster, do you get a choice on the age of the child. We know we might not just foster an infant, but I don't feel like I could handle an older child with issues with my lack of parenting experience and am a little hesitant thinking I might just bite off more than I could chew.

Thanks,
Kim

I guess maybe I should have went to a grieving board instead.  I am in a lot of pain over the loss of my daughter. I have made the biggest mistake of my life, and I do regret it. On the other hand, however, I am infertile because of it. Whether choice or not I can not give birth to another child. What is so un-natural about choosing a method? A solution to the pain, or the guilt. 

  

I do not believe that all woman look for motherhood the same way. Some women may have the idea that they want to have a child to have someone to love them back, and some infertile women may look for a child for a different reason. Maybe they feel the need to take care of someone, or that they just feel it's their time, it's what they are suppose to do, or loneliness, or fullfilment, or pressured by their spouse. Whatever the reason  I do not think that we should be judged.  

  

I am very blessed to have had the opportunity, and I will never forget that. I am very lucky to have my boys and will always love them with my whole heart. My boys see my pain, they feel their own pain. They are also greiving. They support my decision, not because I had a daughter, but because they had a sister.