I met my husband in 1996 and to be quite honest...I wasn't looking for a relationship. But as persistent as he was, I couldn't help but to notice him. We dated for 7 years before getting married and in that time we learned a lot about each other. He was diagnosed with Hogkins at 17 and treated with radiation. The possibility of him fathering children was low but we had hope. The regenerating of sperm cells is possible and likely, so the doctor had told him.
Knowing these facts did not stop me from marrying him in 2003 and because we had dated for so long, we began trying to extend our family within 6 months. After 8 months and not even a scare, I started taking my temperature, checking my cervical mucus, and even went to the doctor to have my progesterone checked. Everything looked great for me. My husband went to a urologist shortly afterward...in early December 2004. A few days before New Year's, we received the news of a zero sperm count. We were devastated. He spoke of divorce so that I could find someone else and be happy...have children with. BUT he would always love me and be my friend. I cry everytime I type this, tell this, or even think of this. We were angry with God and everyone around us that could have children. Women that didn't even try and whammo! I am pregnant with my 5th, 6th, 10th+ child. We were angry with God for allowing women on drugs to have children, for allowing teens to have a romp in the backseat of a car to get pregnant. We were angry with God for allowing parents to conceive only for them to abuse, abandon, or kill their own flesh and blood.
A lot of things changed. Sex pretty much became non existent. I mean, what was the point when we KNEW NOTHING would ever come of it. We just fell into the routine of going to work, coming home, paying the bills, and going to sleep.
Eventually, we began to see other options. We did acupuncture in the beginning of 2005 to try and regenerate sperm cells. I secretly kept temping and trying to work up the courage to "plan" and "unplanned" bedroom rendezvous but failed each and every month. Adoption was just plain out of the question at the time. We didn't want someone else's child.
By May of 2005 we had made up our minds to see a specialist and in June we did. We did all kinds of tests and everything looked fine for me (except my FSH was a bit elevated for my age...that should have been a red flag immediately for me but it wasn't). My husband was still azoopermic. Donor was our only option.
In August 2005, we began our first round of IVF (a study where the medication was free) only to be cancelled after the first few days of stimulation because I did not respond to the medication. HA! The loan that we had taken out...well, there went that money...or at least a portion of it. In late October, we decided that we would just do an insemination. All of my female parts were in working order so why not. My husband was banking on my healthiness. One of us was "functional". Just before Thanksgiving, I got my period right on schedule. What a disappointment! We moved right into getting ready for doing another insemination. BUT WAIT A MINUTE! My secret temping showed that my temp was way to high for a period. 2 days after Thanksgiving we got our miracle. We were pregnant! And just as quickly as we celebrated, we panicked. I began to cramp something fierce. I ended up in the ER, indeed pregnant but nothing was seen in my uterus. Needless to say, methotrexate was administered to dissolve the pregnancy. It failed and I ended up having emergency surgery...losing my right tube and saying goodbye to the marshmellow size ball of cells that should have been our child. Christmas was extremely lonely that year.
In Feb 2006, we did another IVF and nothing ever became of it. Lots of money lost and nothing to show for it. We were done. No children for us. What a slap in the face.
Since then, we adopted a newborn baby boy and he has been nothing but a joy. We scrapped up every penny and took our another loan to be able to go through with the adoption. We look at our little boy with love in our eyes and our hearts. We want him to have a little brother or sister to play with but the infertility journey has worn us down. Financially we cannot do it. Insurance won't cover a dime but they can pay for viagra and other medications and procedures that are not medically necessary. We battled them, too, throughout our journey with no success. Infertility hurts and unless someone walks in our shoes, then they will never understand. I cry just knowing that our some will be an only child and that neither my husband or I will ever experience pregnancy and childbirth. One thing that I can say is that we did experience LABOR. L-Loss, A-Anger, B-Bitterness, O-Overcoming, R-Relief. We kept PUSHED through our labor. I forget who came up with this acronym but we used it everyday: Prayed Until Something Happened.
We continue to pray for our miracle...
