Hi everyone,
I don't talk about this, its my first time really saying it cause it hurts too much. I don't know if I fit in here cause the reason I am infertile is because of age and not much else. I'm in my mid-40s. I spent my life taking care of other people. I took care of my younger sister, then my grandmother, then my cousin, then my family when my mum became sick, then my father who had a stroke and mum who is a diabetic, now I am raising my sister's children.
I have never had a chance to live my own life. I have never been on a date, last time I travelled I was 11, I've seen nothing, been nowhere, just pretty much spent my life in servitude. I love these people but the sacrifice I am finding has been too great. Sometimes it feels like I handed myself over to be slaughtered, didn't even bleep about it either. Its not entirely their fault, I suffered from anxiety, I was a homebody, I made my faulty choices to stay the way I am. Stupid choices based on fear and not knowing the price and always expecting that something would happen to change things instead of making the changes. Changes frightened me. I suppose I became comfortable in my self-imposed prison, as much as anyone can be living in a prison.
There was always time to change, but at 40, I knew it was over. I pretended that I didn't know but I knew; I knew that it was too late to turn my life around. I would never become a mother. I don't tell them this of course, but when mother's day comes around and my niece and nephew buy me a mother's day gift or card, it actually hurts a bit. I love them dearly, but they aren't my children. I don't regret stepping in and raising them, but I couldn't deal with any more, so I chose to not have mine so as to raise my sister's. I had my chance for IVF, but I just didn't have the energy to take care of any more children.
What can I say, game over. The only thing I can wish for now is that if you are reading this, learn from it and don't waste time and don't take anything or anyone for granted.
Sorry about the long post.