Topic : Infertility

I have been struggling with infertility for almost 5 years now.  In January of 2005, I became pregnant with twins through IUI, finally! But then I delivered prematurely at 18 weeks and I have been absolutely devastated.  It was so long in coming and it took so much money and emotional stress.  I have been critical about support groups as therapy for my infertility and my loss, but have recently reached such a low, that I am willing to try anything.  I have been very encouraged by reading your posts and I hink it will be very theraputic to talk with other women who are experiencing the same things.  I  get so tired of trying to relate to "normal" women and having them be "sympathetic".  It will be very healing to talk with women who are truly empathetic.  I'm recently looking to more natural alternatives to try and concieve again.  If anyone has any insight or advice, I'm open.  Also, to those of you who are considering adotion, I adopted very early on, it was kindof a fluke, we weren't planning or ready, but he is a blessing and is every bit our child.  Most people are shocked to find out he is not our biological child.  It is a good option and heaven knows there are tons of children waiting to be loved.  My only concern or question, and maybe someone else who has adopted can help me here, is that, because I wasn't ready when we adopted and the circumstances are weird, I fear sometimes that I hold back on loveing my son as much as I would my own child.  We have recently been considering adopting again, I think I'm more ready this time, but I'm afraid there will always be a void in my capacity to love adopted children the way I could love a child I created. 

So, if anyone has some advice or has felt similar fears, it would be great to know I'm not the only who feels like I might be holding back. 

Has anyone ever written to Dr. Phil and asked him to do more shows on Fertility Issues?

 You and your future children deserve the best family. I come from a family where Mom did, on the sly, what Dad wasn't ready for . Trust me, the consequences of that live on way into the future and a child doesn't make the relationship what it wasn't. It just brings about resentment, guilt and another hurdle that's hard to overcome.

We all sympathize with what you are feeling. It is difficult to feel that maternal urge and not be able to fultill it. As for the being scared part, I totally agree with Lora again. Being scared is a normal part of the process of deciding about parenthood. It's definitely not a state where you want to send him into shellshock by presenting him with two lines. You will both know when the time is right. You need to ease into the decision so that you both feel comfortable. A baby shouldn't be a "impulse"purchase. We've both been turning over adoption in our minds for several years now. It's just recently that we have reached a comfort zone with it.

I know that men are harder to communicate with than women. It is so hard sometimes to bridge that communication gap, but it does come with time and patience. Maybe since his biggest fear is discipline, you guys should discuss that and read from experts like Dr Phil. That might help him feel more comfortable with the idea that he will be capable of making the decisions or at least capable of finding information to help him make those decisions.  I know I read alot of the children and family topics here and elsewhere just to try to feel like I might have the tools later on when children do come. I don't think any parent gets home with their bundle and feels completely comfortable with that huge responsibility of ending up with a whole, happy, productive individual who has the tools ready to conquer any fear and complete any task. I don't have the personal experience of motherhood, but I am fairly certain the first thought that comes to mind is more along the lines of " Oh, Dear God, Can I do this? Please let me do the right thing, and don't let  me permanently injure them from simply holding them the wrong way.".

I am absolutely sure when I bring home a new bundle I will have tears of joy, but I'm equally sure I will be suddenly completely unsure of whether or not I can boil water "correctly".

I am sure that you guys will be on the same page with a little time and conversation. Then you can start planning and worrying about a new bundle.

Kim

 That was one of the questions I had to really ask myself before I got on a comfort level with adoption. It literally came out of my mouth one day when I asked my husband if I would be able to bond with an adopted child the same as a birth child.

The conversation went like so...
Me- When you give birth, you have 9 months to get used to this little person inside of you. (I was fortunate to be at the birth of my very favorite niece and she looked so strange when she first  came out, all red and angry with that misshapen head and that really squinched face. She was so adorable, but looked so odd at first)

My husband- Well, yeah

Me- Then they hand you that little alien, but you have had time to get used to them and the idea of them....

My husband_ Broad Grin, threatening to laugh

Me-almost tearful- But when you adopt, you just get handed the little bundle and they don't know you and you don't know them.

Husband- sweet smile-

Me-Will I just be able to bond to them? I won't have time to prepare with them. Will I be able to love them and bond the same?

Husband- oh, baby, of course. When you hold them and they feel you and feel loved and you look at them, you will love them.

Me-tears of joy and a sudden realization that he is right and my fears were a little silly.

I think the only reason that I have reached a comfort zone is that I was finally able to realize that my fears were completely irrational and the only way they would be a reality is if I still had those fears. I think it is something like a self-fulfilling prophesy. I "know" now that I will be so in love and utterly in awe even if I don't have 9 months of prior bonding that nothing will really matter in the world but that baby. So, I'm not afraid anymore, not of that. I am a little afraid that I will still want to experience those parts of motherhood that I will miss, but that has absolutely no relation to how I will feel about and love a little one by choice. I do think that somewhere in my mind those two things had somehow been confused before. Now it seems so crystal clear, and all I really needed was my husband telling me how silly I was. Funny how those things seem to go.

Kim

 Well, to be completely honest, I asked for help. This thing took such a toll on me for so long that there was a time that I felt like I just couldn't cope anymore.

Even now, I feel so completely lost about whether or not I have the abilities to manage our life to make this dream come true. I so wish someone would take the reins and work out the tecnical difficulties for me, give me an instruction book or list on what to do next. There are so many avenues and things you've got to find out about, so many options and so little time. Sometimes it's just so overwhelming. It seems like there must be a person who knows the right thing to do, the right turn to take to get to the destination. Seems like infertility should come with a roadmap to me.

Unfortunately, it doesn't.

If he could do a show about it and how to deal with it, what to do, what not, It would be fabulous. Just give us a good hint about what to do here. Am I the only one who feels completely incompetent to handle this?

Kim

Incompetent doesn't even begin to descibe how I feel sometimes.  Isn't is awful that there aren't more reasonable, affordable options out there for women like us.  I take it Dr. Phil has never responded much to our requests for advice.  That's really unfortunate.  If he only knew what an impact a person like him could make.  Maybe this is indicative of my inabiltiy to cope, but I feel infertility is becoming such an epidemic that it deserves the same attention as maybe Aids or cancer.  You know, all the research, money, etc. that these life changing diseases get.  After all, Infertility is most definately life changing  and devastating!  I think we are all proof of that.  It would be great if someone(Dr. Phil) could do a show to help us learn to cope and to help bring awareness to the world about the emotional magnitude this holds on ones life.  So we don't have to feel so "insane" around everyone else.  So many people just don't even have clue. 

  

Morgan  

 You might be infertile if...

 BD isn't a medical brand, but an affectionate term for shagging

You have tried more positions than the Kama Sutra and it wasn't for fun

You know more about embryology than most OB residents.

the term monitoring brings about the potty dance quicker than Niagra.

You have a pregnancy test in your bathroom, "just in case"

Your first thought about winning the lottery would be IVF

And..... Drum rolll please.....

You avoid nurseries because you've watched too much Lifetime and don't want to be the first suspect

 The question about "When you guys are gonna start a family" brings about

A complex mental calculation of bank statements, savings, projected future earnings, 401k vestment, credit score rating, interest rates, home equity, lottery odds, IRS tax laws, morale and ethical concerns and a petri dish.

 It is strange how when you are at your ovulation time, this intense hope arrises. For some reason(maybe because this is my last cycle with clomid) this time it is so much greater. Hope is such a wonderful thing-it makes you happy. I have not been happy in quite a while, but with the new year, new possibilities, and an ovulation I have regained some of the spark once again. Hope you can each find some spark of hope also-Lora

 You said:

I have been critical about support groups as therapy for my infertility and my loss, but have recently reached such a low, that I am willing to try anything.  I have been very encouraged by reading your posts and I hink it will be very theraputic to talk with other women who are experiencing the same things.  I  get so tired of trying to relate to "normal" women and having them be "sympathetic".  It will be very healing to talk with women who are truly empathetic.

I don't really consider us therapy, yet it does help to know that you are not alone in this struggle. I think you hit the nail on the head when you talk about sympathy/empathy. No one truely understands or can be of comfort unless they have been there. Personally, i have never experienced a miscairrage, but I have a very dear friend who suffers infertility and then had to endure the loss. I saw how hard it hit her and it broke my heart. One thing that I fear being worse than not concieving is concieving and losing. I am terrified of the same thing. You are a strong woman to have gone through it and still want to try again. I admire that tremendously.

Lora