Topic : Pregnancy Loss

I'm glad you've decided to see an OBGYN. I totally understand those feelings of wondering if it's all your fault. I tortured myself with those thoughts and every now and then they still come back. I wondered if exercise caused my baby's death. My baby was in a transverse position and I wondered if the rocking exercises that the doctor told me to do caused her death. My husband and I had a spat about who was going to drive our son to day care the day before and I wondered if our baby's death was retribution for that argument. Since that pregnancy was my third, I was pretty laidback about the whole thing and I wondered if I was clueless or just stupid about what was going on in the pregnancy. Maybe if I hadn't be so "la de da" I would have (should have? could have?) noticed or known that something was wrong. My baby died on my mom's birthday so Iwondered if there was some dire meaning in that coincidence. Like I said, I tortured myself with these thoughts until finally I was able to realize, in my gut, not my head, that all the guilty feelings in the world were never going to bring my baby back. 

  

I finally resolved my guilt by deciding to take whatever insight I had gained and putting it to use in a subsequent pregnancy. In my case, maybe I could have been more aware. Maybe I could have been more aggressive about medical diligence. Two things were certain: (1) I'd never be "la de da" again, and (2) no matter how guilty I might feel, I never, ever intended for any harm to come to my child. I was doing myself no good by beating myself up. It really didn't help me or anyone else around me. But, remember, you have your own path and your own understandings to come to. What I'm trying to get across to you here is that your feelings are all part of the process that everyone who's ever lost a baby has to go through.  

  

I was dying to feel pregnant again - just physically aching to feel a little life within me. I'd be out and about, happy for other pregnant women and then drive home crying all the way because I wanted to feel a baby within me again. (I gave up eye makeup during those days!) 

  

As far as how soon, I think that's a very individual situation. I waited for my doctor's medical clearance before even considering it. Since I was fullterm, I also waited for lactation to stop. My doctor said that we could try again after one normal cycle but we actually waited longer because of lactation and also because I got pretty torn up during the birth. I'm not sure I even know what "emotionally recovered enough" means because that seems like such an individual thing. For me, I waited until I lost my pregnancy weight, went back to the gym, and made sure that I could walk without slumping from sadness. In essence, I waited until I felt physically strong and fit. I wanted to be in "fighting condition" because I knew that the next pregnancy was going to be a great challenge for me.  

  

Go to this website http://www.griefwatch.com/default.asp  Look at grief facts. You'll quickly see that these feelings of guilt are a normal part of bereavement and something that you have to work through.  

  

A grieving mom, C. Elizabeth Carney wrote a very expressive article called "For Those Who Have Had Miscarriages." I thought she really articulated the many different feelings that come with pregnancy loss. It's at:  http://www.ivf.com/misc.html 

  

A Canadian website called "Angel Whispers" is also helpful as you work through each painful step in your grieving. This site is at: http://www.members.shaw.ca/angelwhispers/ 

  

I'm thinking about you. Take care of yourself. 

Hi, 

  

I typed a really long message to you a few days ago but the message boards were acting up and it didn't post. I'll try to remember what I wrote you. 

  

I wanted to thank you again for all your advice and support. I will share the info you offered me with my friend who lost one twin. I have been worried about her more lately because she seems to be isolating herself and I see signs of PPD. I know that I have to take care of me too but being who I am I can't stop thinking of her. 

  

It is the weekend again and I am finding it hard.  I would have been 16 weeks. I am trying to focus on getting back on track and loosing the weight that I have gained from the pregnancy and the emotional eating that I have been doing. I lost 64 lbs doing the UWS by Dr. Phil. I have gained 10-15 lbs back and I am trying to get out of the rut and get back to what is "normal".  I think I picked a bad time though...Christmas has too many goodies to offer that I don't eat any other time. 

  

I wanted to thank you for letting me know that I am not weird for considering naming my baby. I understand why you do not want to say your baby's name on here. I do scrapbooking and thought of a way I can remember my baby. I used charting software to chart my BBT and printed out the charts to make a page about the baby. I was going to throw them away but then I thought that I could use them on a memory page. I am not good with writing poetry so I will try to find a poem that is suitable to put on the page also.  

  

I think that Dr. Phil should hire you as a support person for this website. You always have or know where to find info for every situation.  I have a website to offer to everyone, especially if they live in Ontario, Canada. www.pbso.ca . It is a bereavement website.  

  

I am trying to wait patiently for my cycle to start. It is late (no wonder) and I was told by my OBGYN that we can start trying again as soon as it comes. I have had cramps for a week but nothing has happened. I am trying not to get too stressed because I know that this can affect it. 

  

I may check in again before Christmas but if I don't, I want to wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! I consider you a friend and I am thinking of you. 

  

Love Mel 

Hello out there. I am new here so bear with me. I am a mother of a beautiful 2 year old princess. My husband and I have had two miscarriages. both within 2 months of eachother. we had been trying for about 10 months when we found out I was pregnant. The day after we found out, I started bleeding. The doctor Diagnosed it as a bighted ovum. Well 3 wks later We found out we were pregnant again.  4 Wks. later we wnt for a routine ultrasound, he said he didn't see a heart-beat and scheduled another ultrasound 1 wk later. Well our fears came true. I had A D&C two days later. My babies would have already been born this month and lastmonth. In the past 9 months I realized that as unfair as it is God has his reasons. For all of you mourning mothers and fathers out there, there is always hope. Just keep yours prayers and your hope in your heart. I still struggle every day with my losses, I look at what God has alredy bleesed me with I am the luckiest woman in the world. For all the mothers with no living angels, God will bless you. Please don't  give up hope. Take it day by day or if you have to minute by minute.

Hi Tiffany. How are you today? It really is pretty unbelievable how your world can so completely crumble, isn't it? Until my baby died, I never knew that grief could be so overwhelming. Especially in those early days (that was really the whole first year, at least!), I also felt guilty the minute I realized that I'd had a "non-grief" moment. Eventually I realized that a person just can't "do" guilt twenty-four hours a day. 

  

Tiffany, it's just hard to get through this - there's just no easy way about it. My baby died in October. At the time, my other daughter was four. I went trick-or-treating with her preschool class. As I walked around, I was grateful beyond belief for having her and my son, then almost two. But, still, that does not make up for the loss.  

  

I walked around with these cute little kids in their costumes, and I couldn't stop myself from thinking how my little lost baby was never going to go trick-or-treating, never going to dress-up, and, you guessed it, I totally lost it. This preschool was on a college campus and I had to duck into some professor's office where I proceeded to just sob. I would have gone to a bathroom but (1) I didn't know where one was and (2) when that gush of tears started, it came complete with gulping, runny nose, and the need for big, old honking nose-blowing. It felt like it took forever before I could get myself under some semblance of control. When I think back on it, I seem to recall sometimes feeling like an idiot, and other times feeling practically combative - like, just let someone try and say something dumb now. Tiffany, in short, I was pretty much of a mess! 

  

Through those awful days, and because of the many people in my small town and elsewhere who comforted and shared their own stories with me, I've come to realize that we are all pretty much of a mess as we go through this tragedy. We all do it in our own way, we find our own sources of hope and encouragement, but the "crumbling world" is just part of it. It stinks, doesn't it! 

  

This past Friday, I went to my youngest daughter's choir concert in the school's chapel. Afterwards, I lit a candle for my baby. I thought I was okay, but my left hand started to tremble as I picked up the candle. As the pastor steadied the candle for me, he and I made eye contact and I just lost it right then and there. I started to cry and, luckily, I turned around right into the arms of my eldest daughter and husband. So we blocked the aisle, held each other for a bit, and then I pulled myself together and we cleared the aisle. 

  

So, Tiffany, as you get through these worst of days, know that you were the one who truly knew your baby's life. It is from that knowledge, I think, that such great pain comes. There is no question at all that fathers grieve just as deeply - so do siblings, grandparents, other family members, and friends. It is just different for each one of us. How can we measure grief and grieving? I don't think we can - it just is. The only thing that worked for me was to let myself feel my sorrow and not try to busy myself in an attempt to avoid feeling. By knowing and understanding my own sorrow, that gaping hole in my heart eventually became a safe harbor for my grief and my loss. 

  

Tiffany, I encourage you to check out this website: http://hygeia.org/ It is a terrific resource and its mission is to comfort those who have suffered pregnancy or newborn loss. Michael R. Berman, M.D. is an OBGYN in private practice and is with Yale University School of Medicine. The Hygeia Foundation provides a great deal of information and compassionate support. Dr. Berman has written volumes of poetry to and for his patients. That poetry is on the website and does help to comfort. 

  

I also urge you to check out the the National Stillbirth Alliance (NSA) at http://www.stillnomore.org/index.htm. There are resources and information about umbilical cord accidents. The OBGYN and medical advisor to the NSA, Jason Collins, M.D. is at the forefront of stillbirth research. I know you want some answers, especially because you want to get pregnant again.  

  

Tiffany, you take care of yourself and let other people take care of you, too. 

  

  

  

Thanks for offering the great advice to Tiffany. I want to be more supportive on here but I don't know what to say....I think it is all too new to me ...I haven't experienced all the grief yet ( I know a part of me will always grieve). I looked up the website that you offered her and found some great poems. I plan to look through them and pick one for my scrapbook page that I mentioned.  

  

You had mentioned that you had a difficult time on Halloween after you lost your angel.  Yesterday I had a similar experience. It was my sons first Christmas concert and he was singing and I lost it. I was proud of him and sad because he was growing so fast.  then I thought how I will never get to see my second darling sing, laugh, cry, jump,or play. I cried a bit but had to contain myself because I was in a crowd and could not escape. I let on that I was crying for joy... 

  

I finally got my period today and can begin the process again....I have to admit my flame has been blown out....I am so scared! I am wondering how people who have had multiple losses get the strength to try again. I can't imagine....I haven't been able to really talk to my husband about whether or not he wants to try again. He doesn't say much. I think he does but is scared like me. 

  

I will be gone over Christmas but I hope that everyone on here can have the best holiday possible. I am thinking of you all. 

  

Take care, 

  

Love Mel 

This is to all of you who are going through the pain.  I still live with the pain everyday of lossing my babies.  You see I was pregnant with twins in the summer of 2004.  I lost them both in July and I was four months along.  I get depressed easy to this very day.  I can't stand being alone for very long or I start thinking about stuff that scares the living day lights out of me.  The father was living a ways away but we were able to help each other through.  I know that I'll never fully get over the loss but I also know now that I wasn't ready.  I hope you can get along better then I still am.

I know that the hardest thing is lossing your baby.   I hope to this day that I will be able to carry full term in the future.  Right before I lost the twins I had a period that lasted 3 weeks.  I knew that I had miscarried but my boyfriend and I still continued to try and about a month later the twins were there.  I guess that is why I still hurt so much to this day.  Yes I still get a little jealous of others who are pregnant.  I still think what it would be like if they had been born.  Just the other day I saw a couple with twin girls and it was hard for me to see them so happy.  They would have been 1 year old this month.  I realized that I had lost them when I had my usual period ( yes I was still having my periods) and I saw stuff in my bath water.  I immediately asked my mother what it was but deep in my heart I alredy knew, she just reafirmed it.  I hope to get tested to see if I am able to carry again but one thing i know is to never lose hope.  That is what helped me through everyday.

Thanks for all the sites im not sure how this works im new on here but i want you to know i read the posting all the time and it makes me feel better to know im not alone. I want to start trying aagin right nowbut im getting married in 7 months and im not sure it would be the best idea. Deep down the pain of not trying is really bothering me i find i think about alot and wonder if he would be walking and talking, growing up.i think maybe once i actually have children i would be fullfilled. Im 25 years old and i live in Ontario Canada. Where are you from?

I am surprised to see that no one has posted over the holidays. I hope that all of you here enjoyed the holidays as much as possible. I was away for awhile and thought that it would help but it didn't. I would be in my 20th week now and I would have had my ultrasound last week. Instead I am charting my BBT and trying desperately to get pregnant again. I have to admit that the fact that I would have been half way through kind of leaves me feeling ripped off. It bothers me when I see people who have kids that didn't want them. My sister in law is one of them...she has a beautiful son and she never pays any attention to him. My MIL is raising him. We all think she had him because she needs to be the center of attention and was upset because her siblings had kids and it was taking the attention from her. I have known her for 14 years...she has always been this way. Yes I am bitter! 

  

Tiffany, I am from Ontario, Canada also....Near Trenton to be exact. I read your story....all I can say is that I am so sorry about what happened to you. I really don't know what else to say. I miss Chikara also. She was great support. I haven't seen her on here in awhile......I don't think she read the last message I wrote her. I hope that YOU are doing well.  

  

Chikara, I hope that you are fine also. I am thinking of you.  

  

Thinking of all of you ladies, 

  

Mel 

Hi everyone. I hope you are all coping as best as you can. The holidays are now over and for those of you who have just survived your first holiday without your precious baby, I am thinking of you. I remember when I got through that fist holiday without my baby. On the one hand I was glad I survived it. But, on the other hand, I thought, what, am I supposed to feel good now?  It is just so hard, so individual, so moment by moment.  

  

Mel, I did see your last message and I'm sorry I didn't respond in a more timely fashion. I have also been reading and writing on two other boards about stillbirths. I went through a few days there where I just had to take a break. I was actually doing a good bit of pure medical research, read so many in-depth articles, and saw so many graphic pictures. I think I suffered from some information overload on what is obviously such a sensitive subject. But, I'm back in the saddle now, have a plan for what to do with all that information, and here it is, Sunday night. 

  

Pleazhelp, you asked me where I am from. I live in Hawaii and yes, it's very warm right now. I did live for a period of time on the East Coast but then came back home after winter and distance finally defeated me.  

  

Mel, I still get so upset at people who are so casual about their children. Abuse and neglect makes me crazy. And then there are those awful stories about abandoned babies. Those things rip my heart out. For those of us who have suffered the deaths of our little ones, and for those who so desperately try to conceive and can't or keep having miscarriages or stillbirths, it is terribly hard to know that such things exist. I ttry to keep myself centered, remind myself that everyone has their own story, but some situations are more difficult to understand than others. 

  

Mel, I also did that charting. My advice to you? Don't fall asleep with the thermometer in your mouth! I did and I accidentally bit down on the thermometer. It actually broke in my mouth. I woke up spitting out mercury into my left hand. Then, the mercury turned my wedding ring a dull gray color and I had to have a jeweler specially clean it in a sulphuric acid bath. So, stay awake when checking your temperature. 

  

On a more serious note, the charting was a good thing for us. I was 34 when our baby died and was already worrying that I'd have a hard time getting pregnant. It did take several months. It was very hard when I'd see that temperature drop and my period would come. I had always had this belief that pregnancy would come with my peacefulness - very much a child of the sixties, I know. But I now know that there's so much more to the whole process.  

  

Mel, I went away, too, on a vacation a few months after our baby died. It helped but only because it gave me something else and somewhere else to be. Nothing really helps except the passage of time and getting through all these feelings. But, it is very important to stay in the world, to get out so do whatever you have to do to get yourself out there.  

  

Our babies are our blessings and I just want each and everyone of you to know how much I am pulling for you. BTW, after all these years, I still hear from my children's pediatrician every year on our baby's birthday. He just lets me know that he went to mass, lit a candle, and was thinking about us all. Now that's a caring doctor. 

  

Take care everyone. It's 10 p.m. (almost) in Hawaii and it's time to shoo everyone off to bed. Aloha.