Topic : Pregnancy Loss

Hi mel. How are you today. Just saw the message you wrote. your the first person from canada that i have talked to. I dont live to far from you really im in Sudbury if you ever heard of there. i saw chikara wrote again also and she said there is a message board for people who have had still born babies. i cant find it. i hope i have not been writing in the wrong one all this time. Well actually im glad because the people  who right are very supportive and know how i am feeling. I lost my baby November 16 2004 at 41 weeks. The thought of not trying to get pregnant makes me crazy but the thought of being preganant again scares the heck right out of me. I know what u mean about people who have babies and dont realize how lucky they are to have them. I also did get pregnant about 6 months later. i was almost 14 weeks but when i went for an ultrasound for dates they saw the baby was not really growing. I waited a week and had another ultrasound.. The baby was gone at 6 weeks. I have a hard time getting to a dr. in my town. I have to wait at least 3 months before i get in which considering my past i should be  in right away. im having trouble for next time which wont b e too long away if i should go Dr. again or try midwife. Well  everybody have a ggod day and hope to talk to ya soon 

Tiffany   (pleaz help) 

I wrote you all a long post earlier today and then, poof!, somehow it disappeared into the swirling cyberspace. So, I took a nice, long break from writing but wanted to get back to everyone before this evening is through.  

Tiffany, I am so sorry about your second loss. I can only imagine how devastated and sad you must have felt. I really, really hope that your next pregnancy is perfect, with a perfect outcome. 

As you probably already know, it is completely normal, and to be expected, that another pregnancy is very scarey. After our baby died, I was very afraid. I had a hard time enjoying the pregnancy like I had before our loss. I was just interested in outcome. All I wanted was the baby to reach a safe size, then deliver - by C-section if need be.  

You should not have to wait three months to get an appointment. You are now considered a "high risk" pregnancy because of your pregnancy history. I'm going to give you those websites again and hopefully they will give you some more information. I encourage you to call or write Dr. Jason Collins, M.D. He is at the forefront of research in stillbirths and I'm sure he can provide you with some guidance on your prenatal care choices. 

The National Stillbirth Alliance website is at: http://www.stillnomore.org/index.htm 

Click "enter" to get into the site. This is the site where you can get the contact information for Dr. Collins as well as a whole lot more information. Also, if you click on "Bulletin Board" you'll get to the message board. It does open up in a new window and sometimes it takes a little while to finish loading. 

Michael Berman, M.D. of Yale University is also at the forefront in this area. The website that he started is at http://hygeia.org/  Just click "Enter Hygeia" to access. 

There is a message board for people who have had stillbirths. The website is: http://www.empty-cradles.com/  Go to the left side of the page and scroll down to "Message Boards." There are boards for Miscarriage Support, Stillbirth Support, SIDS Support, and TTC (Trying To Conceive) After A Loss. You do have to register to use the site but that's similar to registering for this site. There's also a "Letters to Heaven" section where you can write a letter to your baby. 

Mel, I hope you are well and taking care of yourself. I have been thinking about you. Take care, all. It's past midnight here so I'm going to call it a night. Lots of love to all of you. 

well i finally got my information so i could use this message board. It's really hard to get on this. I emailed them twice and just kept on clicking get my password and user name and it finaly worked after the 10th time.  

Sorry just frustrated. I new to this board once again I was refered by a good friend whom is very worried about me and I'm  worried about her she is a good person and to have something like what she went through happen it breaks my heart. She told me that you bunch are very helpful and of course helping her with her recovery i guess i could say it is. Can't think of the word i want to use. (mel) 

Anyways about why i am here. I lost my son he was a month and 5 dyas old when we lost him. He has a beautiful twin sister whom survived. We cherish every momment with her.   

HI all, 

 Kris-I am glad that you got back on here...I'm proud of you!  I hope that you can get some support and maybe offer some to some of the gals on here. They are wonderful. If you read some of the past posts you will here their stories and there is one were Chikara offered some good info?websites for you. I told them briefly about you before because I was worried about you. 

Chikara- How is Hawaii? I wish I was there. I was so glad to see you post. Thanks for explaining why you were not around. It saves me from worrying. I am glad to know that you are helping others as well as being on here. Do you find this helps you cope? I looked up some of the sites you offered. They are great. I plan to get a poem to use for scrapbooking off the one that has the beautiful poetry on it. Thanks again 

Tiffany- How are you? So you live in Sudbury. I have never been there. I really haven't been too too many places in Ontario. I am from the east coast.  I am so sorry that you lost your second one too. I am waiting to find out if I am pregnant again and I am terrified. I don't think that I can go through loosing it again. I will try again once but if I loose another I think I am done. I do have one beautiful son. I am very lucky. I am going to be 30 this year...I feel like time is running out but they do say you are usually fine till 35 but I don't know. I hope that you have a beautiful wedding...I think I would wait to try again till after the wedding because wedding planning can be very stressful. I am sure that you are craving another as much as I am though. I wish you the best in everything. 

I am hoping for something positive this year. Last year was really hard for me and my husband. This year is not going well either. We got new a few days ago that my F-I-L cancer has spread and they have given him months to live. I think that my husband is in denial. It would be great to give him a baby that he wants.  

Tomorrow is the 2 month anniversary of my loss. It feels like longer for some reason....I have been stuck in a numb state for the last few weeks. I have a feeling tomorrow I will be emotional. I plan to get some housework done and go out and get some exercise!  I'll make things as "normal" as I can. I hope it works. 

Thinking of you all, 

Mel 

Thanks mel for the words of incouragement. I think it might be a good thing to talk about it to other people in the same situation. Might help me get through this depression and guilt.  

Hi Mel. It was good to hear from you. Anniversaries can be very tough. For me now, they are wistful. It's kind of a sad quiet. 

You asked me if helping others helps me to cope. Actually, I just feel that, to the extent that my experiences can aid someone else, then it's just the right thing to do. It's in line with that whole concept of "paying it forward." So many people have helped me at various times in my life and its good to be able to do that for someone else when I can.  

What helped me to cope during the early days, months, and the first year were my other two children, husband, and a community of support. I'm sure that, like all of you, I slowly got used to the finality of death and the helplessness of it all. It was almost a bodily process, at a cellular level, to realize that I could not change things no matter what. Maybe that's why those grief stages take a good while. It takes a good while for the heart to accept what the brain already knows. 

I've started to look at stillbirths again by sheer accident. Now, I am motivated by the possibilities afforded through new information and the new technology. I fully support the work that Dr. Jason Collins and others are doing because I believe that many babies will be able to survive where once they did not. New technology allows for improved imaging of the baby in utero, the cord, and the placenta. I'll do whatever I can to help get information out there to other women.   

I am so sorry to hear about your father-in-law. I lost both my FIL and my dad in a two and a half year period. It was devastating all around. My dad also died of cancer and it was awful towards the end. The strange thing, though, is that whenever I envision my dad, I never see him like he looked at the end. He's always still the big, strong guy that he was for the majority of his life. I guess that just goes to show that one's life does not have to be defined by one period in it. 

Also, don't sweat that age 35 thing. I was 38 when my youngest was born. And, yes, she's the one I broke the thermometer on... 

Take care all. My thoughts are with you. Also, I highly recommend looking at sites about pregnancy after loss. If nothing else, you can hear someone else telling you that you are normal to feel differently than you did before your loss.  

Some good resources can be found on this page: 

http://www.babylosskit.com/resources.html 

HI all, 

I kept busy and went for a walk today. It definitely helped me through the day. 

Kris - make sure that you give this message board some time...there is support here you just have to be patient. I hope that you have a good weekend. 

Chikara- Thanks for being there for me once again. I was happy to see your post. I will not have to worry about the thermometer breaking.....It's digital!  Thank you for telling me not to worry about age.  I have been having early pregnancy symptoms...tender breasts and a keen sense of smell. It is making me afraid once again. I still sometimes feel that there is something wrong with me even though I have researched everything and know that there probably isn't. I plan to look at the sites you offered about pregnancy after miscarriage. My friend Kris is on here now. She posted before your last post. I hope she can find some support on here. She has had difficulty finding support. Health care and support is terrible here in Ontario. 

Tiffany- I hope that you are doing well and I am thinking of you.  

To the other new members....I have read your stories and my heart goes out  to all of you! Thank you for sharing. 

Thinking of all of you. 

Mel 

hi everyone. I've been reading the post from a while ago you guys are so caring and helpful no wonder mel thinks so highly of this board.  

Lift here right now is okay still have nightmares  about my son sometimes the quilt is so much i don't know what to do with myself. I even have nightmares that i will loose emily as well. I'm not so bad anymore i guess i could say that being i don't sleep by her crib anymore with my hand on hre chest.  I knon now that the feeling of emptyness may be with me for quite sometime but i was hoping the quilt would go away. Some days i just want to stay in bed instead of joining the real world. There is so i have built up in me that i'm not sure i will ever feel like myself again.  

anyways i hope everyone is well. kris 

How are you now, Kris? I can only imagine how much you cherish Emily after losing her brother! One thing that you said brought a memory crashing back to me. I also used to sleep next to my baby with my hand on her chest. There were times where I felt like such an idiot for doing that. I wondered if I was some kind of an emotional cripple. But, sixteen years later and after talking to countless women, I now know that we all go through some form of intense anxiety, worry, fear and profound emptiness. I also could not believe how completely empty and depleted I felt. Guilt was a big factor, too. 

What I can tell you is that recovery happens. Somehow, you just go on and live. But I would wholeheartedly encourage any one in our positions to go and talk to a qualified therapist if you feel like your grief is somehow "over the top." If you feel like it's just too much, and if your cyber support system isn't helping "enough" then don't feel bad about needing more help. If nothing else, it will give you someone else to talk to, someone who can be constructive and non-judgmental. 

I think all of the women who have suffered the loss of their child(ren) share a powerful bond. How else can I explain the instant empathy and tremendous desire to send you all of the love that I can possibly send?  

Kris, I think that what you are feeling is normal. Your deep sorrow, wondering if you will ever feel like yourself again, is part of this rotten process.  Just do the best you can and nurture yourself. 

Thank you chikara for saying what you did. It's nice to hear that i'm not the only one in the worls with extreme anxiety of losing emily and people close to me. I actually have tried councelling but they told me that i'm going through the grief process normally.
Some days are worse then others amd i'm sure mel knows by now when i have my momments. Like today at the centre i found myself talking about what happened which i don't normally do i'm not sure why. I think the worst feeling i have of guilt is that i caused this and i killed my son. I keep thinking to myself  if  i left him one more day aa miracle could of happened and that he would still be here.  But i guess that is something i will never know and that kills me. Even though the doctors did say we made the best decision for him that we could of made but i still feel i killed him and that somewhere i caused this to happen. Sorry about going on like this it  is the first time i have said anything about how i feel in a long time. It feels good to get it out and get advice. Anyways my  daughter is climbing on my desk. Talk to you later kris