Topic : Pregnancy Loss

Hi gals, 

Today is a hard day for me. I am 4 days late for my period and I got a BFN on my test. I swear that there is a faint line but it is probably because I want it so bad. I have been having pregnancy symptoms too....tender swollen breasts (which I have never had as a PMS symptom) and a upset stomach the last few days. I have also been having cramps for the last 3 days. I feel pretty jinxed that I should be enjoying feeling my baby moving inside me and having other symptoms at this point. I should have known what my angel was by now and I could have decided on a name. Instead I am dreading getting my period and having to start the process all over again. 

My husband has not been dealing with the news about his father very well and has been taking it out on me. I am really beginning to have a hard time coping with it an feel as though I have failed him because he could have had something positive to look forward to and he may have been able to cope better. 

So as you can see I am feeling pretty crummy today. It has been so hard this last week to have faith in anything. I want to feel positive but all I have to show for being pregnant is weight that I can't get back off (because I can't focus on anything but trying to conceive again) and a severe case of acne.. what a rip off. I feel like I just want to scream!!!  

Anyway, thanks for listening..I needed to vent.  

Thinking of you all, 

Mel 

At 27 I married and my husband and I truly wanted a baby right away.  We got pregnant two months after we married and were so extremely happy.  During my 3rd month regular Dr. Visit my BP was a little high around 138/85, my Dr. was a little concerned becasue HBP ran in my family. So she started me on a very low dose of BP meds.  It helped and my BP went way down low like around 125/70 so she slightly decreased my meds, and in a week or two my BP was out of control, so she increased my dose again and my BP never got back under control.   

At the end of my 4th month in my pregnancy I started to notice some swelling in my legs and I just felt so awful.  During my 5th month I went to weigh in and my weight was good, I had only gained a total of about 7 lbs.  However, another week or two went by and I was so swolen I could not wear shoes and it hurt to walk.  I called my Dr's office every day and told them about my swelling and again, my bp was running high.  They increased my meds and told me to raise my feel as much as i could, drink lots of water, eat raw broccoli.   

I also noticed I was not using the bathroom hardly at all and I was drinking alot.  I just kept swelling up.  Finally, at the end of a week ofter calling my Dr's office every single day they decided to have me come in for a visit.  From my last visit of only gaining about  7lbs I had gained 15 lbs more lbs in less than 2 weeks.  They looked at my feet and asked my mom if this was normal for me, she assured them no, this swelling was not normal.  It was as if they could not tell if I was just fat OR swolen. They immediately admitted me into the hospital and started to change my bp meds and increase them.  They ran blood work on me every single day twice a way.  They said my labs were normal.   

They did a urine test on me to check for protein.  They came back and told me that their was an obsene amount of protein in my urine several thousands something?  I must stay in the hospital and they were going to send a specialist to come see me.  They thought I may have an underline kidney disease or Pre-eclampcia (sp). At this time my BP was till not under control it was way up around 180/100.  I was just approaching my 6 month. 

Within 5 day's of being admitted in the hospital my blood work was not normal anymore, my bps were still out of control and the protein in my urnin was unbelievable.  They decided the only thing to do to save me was deliver my baby.  If not, I could have a stroke and die.   

I was warned that the baby more than likely would not live and if it did live I was educated of all the problems the baby could get.  Brain bleeds, mental disabilitys etc.   

They tried to get me to deliver naturally, but a high risk Dr. told them to deliver me immediately there was no time to waste.  Due to the small size of my uterus they had to cut my uterus up/down inside of me vs. side to side, so therefore, I can never have natural child birth.  I will always have to have a c-section.  The baby was born and it was a little boy.  He was 11 1/2 " long and weighed 11 1/2 oz.  A week before, they thought the baby weighed 1 1/2 lbs.  Due to my high bp the baby was not getting any nutrition from me, he basically starved inside of me.  He never even tried to take a breath, his heart quit beating once they cut his cord.  There was nothing they could do.   

We named him Mason Tucker and burried him 6 day's after my delivery.  I was in the hospital, I believe 5 more nights after delivery.  My bp slowely started to decline.  I was told I had developed full blown toxemia.   

I was told that Toxemia usually never returns as longl as you have the same partner. However, High BP does return and when it does it can be more severe.  

However, 2 years ofter this occurred I am still on a very low dose of BP meds.  I am a bigger girl and my Dr. has told me before I try again to have another baby I should loose some weight.  I am terified of even trying again even if I do loose all the weight possible.  However, I have struggled teribly with loosing weight and my husband is really ready for me to try again.  So I feel alot of pressure.   

I just purhcased the Dr. Phil book and CD for the Ultimate Wieght loss. So once they arrive in the mail, I'm gonna give it my all.  I just quit doing LA Weight Loss, I absolutely hated it.   

I guess I have to know the next time we get pregnant, that I have done every single thing I know I can do do prevent this from happening again.  And if the outcome is not good, then as long as I know I have done everything, then I can't blame myself if I have to burry another baby.  

I don't know if I fully understand your story, but I do know what is like to loose a baby.  I lost mine during my 6th month of pregnancy.  It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life.  Its been 2 years now and we have not tired again yet.  I had developed Toxemia.  I'm just erified to try again.  

My brother and his wife just had a their first baby a week ago, it has been hard for me becuase I came home empty handed and have had all this love built up inside of me to give to a baby, now I feel I can somewhat release it.  I never thought I could love a baby that is truly not MINE, but my little newphew has changed my fear of ever loving another baby. 

My  husband is ready to try again and I am not.  He has been grumpy towards me too, since the new newphew has come along.  So I understand your also dealing with a husband.   

I have had to just be strong to keep things together.  Time will reslove all issues.  Stay Strong.  I wish you the best. 

Shannon  

Shannonmanley@tds.net 

HI Shannon, 

I guess my recent post would be a little confusing to a newcomer on the board. I have been on here since November. I lost my baby at 11 weeks and I came on here for support. I have found some great support here. Give the board some time. It took a few weeks for me to get a response (I think). I am currently waiting to test to find out if me and my DH first attempt after our loss worked. That is what I was talking about in my last post. 

I read your story. I am SO sorry for your loss. I really don't know what else to say. My heart goes out to you. I suggest reading some of the other posts. Chikara has offered some wonderful website addresses.  

As, for the UWS that you plan on trying, I think it is a great idea. I to have a weight problem and tried weight watchers with no luck. I bought Dr. Phil's books and ended up loosing 64 lbs! It does work because it is so doable. Focus on getting yourself better...of course you will never be fully healed and will never forget.  

Wishing you all the best and thinking of you, 

Mel 

Boy, it's quiet on here! I have been checking in and there hasn't been any new messages on here in awile. I hope that that means that this is happening less  and some are busy and enjoying life as much as possible. I hope you all are well. I have joined a support group at fertility friend.com. I have also been finding a lot of support on there. My period was a week late and I was getting negative results on tests so I was starting to get worried. I finally got AF yesterday so now I am planning for the next cycle. I had a docs appointment and it got feelings going again and I got a bit emotional but I am trying to get past it.   

Thinking of you all, 

Mel 

Hi, my name is bridget and i am new on this web. I am 25 years old and have been married for almost 3 years. Last year i lost my baby when i was 4 months along. It was the hardest thing i ever did. Now i found out last friday that i have a .2% chance of getting pregnet. Thats over 98% chance of not getting pregnet. Than to top it all off my best friend is having a baby shower thrown for her in a few weeks. I dont know as if i can go. I know it would break her heart if i didn't show up, but i know that if i go all i will do is dwell on what i dont have in my life and what she will be having in her life. I based my entire life on having children. I went to school early on and had taken a job that would be very flexiable with the intenchions of having children and than this.  Sometimes i feel the man up stairs has it in for me. Another one of my friends had a little baby boy about 3 months ago and i havn't gone over there yet. I have to stop making excuses,  but i always seem to have more and more. My biggest fear is that i will get there and hold her baby and just cry. Cry because that seems to be all i do latly. Please respond of e mail me. BridgetMallory@yahoo.com.sg  Thanks for reading, Bridget 

I can say I understand how your feeling as far as loosing a baby.  I have a storey on here too, I lost my during my 6th month.  I am so sorry to hear this and my prayers are with you.   

Less than 1 month after burring my baby, my sister-en-law had her baby.  It was very hard for me to receive a phone call at 6am and hear she was in labor.  That evening after my husband got home from work he wanted to go see the baby.  I decided right then I was not going to feel sorry for myself or be unhappy for others, I got ready and went to the Hospital to see the baby.  It was even harder for me becuase his sister really did not want to have children or even get pregnant.  I did and always have.  I thought the baby would make me cry, but it did not.  I felt nothing for that baby as far as wanting to cling to it, i new it was not mine.   

My brother and his wife had a baby 2 years after I burried my son, it was just 2 weeks ago.  I love that baby so much and this time it did kinda hurt me a little.  I think becuase it was my own brothers baby and I felt closer to it verses an en-law.  It was like I could finelly release the love I had built up inside of me for my little man.   

I will never tell you it will be easy to see other babys or be around other babies.  But make it a decision not to feel sorry for yourself or to feel unhappy for others.  I know its hard, but I know you would not, just like me, wish unhappy things on others.  It upsets me more and more when people say, "how are you dealing with your brothers wife having a baby."  That makes me think they may think i'm not happy for them or i'm jealous and I'm not at all. I'm very happy they had things go well for them and their little man is perfect.  I would not want anybody to experience what I went through.   

As far as thinking God has it out for you.  God does not do that to people, everybody in this world just has different life expereinces some better than others.  The thing you need to do is lift your head up high and put one foot in front of the other, (one day at a time).  Pray to God for strenght to get through your troublesome times.  God will never put more on a person than they can handle.  If its ture and you can't get pregnant again, there are many other options.  Like adoption, sergant mother.  A lady I go to Church with had (can't spell it artifical incimation) 3 times before it finally took.  Now she has twin girls 10 years later.  Something will work out, just be determined and keep your head up high.  Just know your little baby is in Heavan with God and never felt any pain or new of any Evil.  He/She safe and secure for ever.  That is where I hold my comfort. 

My thoughts and prayers are with you.  E-mail me anytime you ever want to talk. 

Sincerely, 

Shannon  

1210mason 

shannonmanley@tds.net 

Last night i went and seen my friends baby boy. I held him for nearly an hour until i became filled with emotions and had to excuse myself and gather all my thoughts. Once that little innocident happened the remainder of the night was very enjoyable. On the drive home my husband and I had talked about children and things like that. When we had gotten home we decided that we were going to try and be that .02% of people and try to conceive again. So we set a date, monday feb 6 is going to be the day we start to try.  We are going to do the basic trials in trying to get pregnet first for about 6 months. (bbt, cervixical check, which is something that i cannot figure out how to do, i tried it once and felt nothing, so if you have done it or know how could you please help!) If nothing happenes in those 6 months we will go to our fertility clinic and go from there. I am so nervous and yet excited and scared all at the same time and i just had to tell someone. Thanks for listening, and i am always looking for someone to talk to about this so please reply, i check often. Bridget 

brigmal 

Hi everyone. i havent written in a couple of days. Im having second thoughts about waiting to try and get pregnant. People are having babies left and right around me, and i have a hard time not breaking down. Its ok when im there holding babies and snuggling with  them, but when i get home all alone it hurts real bad. My only delema is that im getting married in 7 months. Not to say im going to get pregnant tomorrow because it usually takes me a few months. I guess the number one reason why i want to start trying in because my fiance says things like :hunny can we start trying again im getting excited:etc. thats kills me because all i want to do is give him children. When i was pregnant the second time i  was a complete mess, which i know is not good for the baby. i have an appointment with my doctor to talk about issues i needed to get of my chest about lossing my first baby full term.(umbilical cord accident) the appointment is not until april 7. hopefully by then i will be pregant. i still cry alot and when the tears start they cannot stop.needless to say i work at a restaurant and i see about 50 babies a day. i worked at that restaurant until my last month everybody saw my pregnant, everyday i work i dread whos going to ask my how my baby is doing? never fails,or i get this alot hows being a mom! i hate that. what do i say. as soon as hear that all this anger starts boiling up in me. In my small town ive never heard of things like that happening.I think i put a scare in everyone in my whole town. Everyone wants to know how, why, when. God if i knew those answers i would probably feel alot better with myself.  its only been a year and 2 months since my first pregnancy, i feel like im starting to get strong i can go out and work without lossing my mind in thoughts. i think of him evryday still and will for the rest of my life im sure. i find good thing about him, things ive learned from him even though i had him for only 9 short months. 

Actually right now at this moment im terrifyied. My soul and my heart screams children at me soooooo bad and my brain im crazy for even considering. 

this board helps me out so much when i feel like this so i want to thank you girls for strongness that i can feel when i read your postings.