Topic : Pregnancy Loss

I suffered a loss May 24th of this year.  I was almost 18 weeks along, way past the first trimester and I thought for the most part, out of the woods.  I had no warning; no bleeding, cramping, NOTHING.  I went for a regular OB appt and my Doctor could hear no heartbeat.  I scheduled an emergency D and C, came out of surgery three hours later (should be 15 mins) having lost a large amount of blood.  I had to stay in ICU for two days and receive five blood transfusions and seven units of plasma.  My pregnancy was not planned but after four daughters, this son was a very welcome surprise!  I so very much planned for him and was anxiously awaiting his arrival.  Life goes on and the worst of it is the things people say to you and the way people don't talk about it as if he/she is forgotten.  That's the worst of all of this; he was a part of me and will always be.  I will never, ever forget him.  I have gotten much better; not sure why, but just hang in there because time does make it better.  It's normal to continue grieving, there's no right way or wrong way.  No length of time.  Be positive and surround yourself with friends and family who are your support team and will listen to you speak of your baby, your loss, and your feelings.  We grieve for what we didn't have versus someone who loses a person in their life, they grieve for what they had.  It's just a little different and we feel cheated and wonder what we did to cause this.  I don't think that guilt and blame ever goes away.  Just hang in there.  You are not alone...... 

Hi friends, 

     I am new to the message board so bare with me.  I lost a baby at 14 weeks 2 years ago. It was my second pregnancy although, my husband and I were alittle hesitate because I had post-partum pretty bad the first time and never really knew it until my daughter was about 3 years old.  I was on medication for about 8 month but went off of it so I could get pregnant . Within 4 months, we were pregnant and things started to go down hill from there. Phsycially, my body went into a tail spin and my whole nervous system went out of whack. By the eleventh week, I had to be admitted into the hospital in the (Psychiatric) unit.  My body was doing things that were completely out of my control. I hadn't slept for 8 weeks and my body could not quick shaking. I had to be in constant movement and then the uncontrollable vomitting started. If I had to give what I was going through a name, I probably would have said, I had a nervous breakdown.  I was in the hospital for 3 weeks and taking medications.  I wasn't getting any better and my husband and I had to make the decision to terminate the pregnancy. I was sooo sick and at the time it seemed like the only thing to do.  To this day, there isn't a moment that goes by that I don't think about "what could have been" and wonder if it was a boy or a girl.  In some ways, I wish I would have had a miscarriage so I wouldn't have had to make a decision like that.  It was such a frightening experience and we realized that I had to get well for my daughter who was at home waiting for me.  I have been on medication for 2 years and doing fine but there is apart of me that died along with my baby.    

Mel: 

I wish I could push the clock ahead for you so you could already have gone through all that you have to go through! My third child, a daughter, was stillborn and would have been 16 years old this past October. She was fullterm and beautiful. My husband and I were devastated and in shock. He had added "male burden" of not being able to fix this. I was absolutely bound and determined that I was going to somehow survive this awful loss. I'm pretty strong, independent and rarely ask anybody for help.  

But this time I knew I had to let myself be cared for, that I had to let myself receive the outpouring of love and shared sorrow. No one could make it better. No one could say the right thing but they all wanted to and that's what mattered. We all knew that no one could give me what I really wanted (my baby!) but their love and caring had to be enough.  

Somehow, I instinctively knew that I had to let myself fully feel my pain, even if the grief was completely overwhelming. I was afraid that if I didn't let myself feel this fully, then the unresolved grief would sneak up on me years down the road and bite me in the butt! So, I let my grief overtake me when it needed to, which usually happened when I was taking a shower. I just let myself completely feel the pain, let it wash over me, and then, slowly, for that time, it would recede. 

I also forced myself to do most of the normal things like get up, take a shower, brush my teeth, put on makeup and clothes - that sort of thing. I felt like if I didn't force myself to "practice being normal" then I might forget how to be normal! This really helped me in the long run but it was very hard. 

Here's what I learned: you never "get over it" but you do get used to it. There does come a time when you can smile again, laugh again, and then a day comes where you realize that you went a whole day without thinking about your lost baby. It happens but you have a piece of your heart that is always sad, always wistful. However, I think that if you let yourself really feel and come to understand your own grief, then somehow, down the road, when the agony comes back for whatever reason, you'll recognize why you feel the way you do. Then, the hole in your heart will not be a cave of despair but a safe harbor: a safe harbor where you can remember your little lost baby, your forever child. 

I also recommend the booklets "When Hello Means Goodbye" and "Still to be Born" 

Be good to yourself and be comforted by those who love you. 

Hi, 

I have been checking here daily for some advice. It seems like I have been waiting for an eternity. Then I came here today and there were responses and stories from people. I realize now how much worse it could have been by reading some of the posts. My heart goes out to all of you. 

I to have been forcing myself to get up in the morning and facing life, if not for me...for my son. He will be four next week and he is my pride and joy. I found that by explaining what happened to him(in the appropriate way for his age) it has helped me grieve. Thank you for the book suggestions...I will check them out. I was fortunate also to be given a web site for this situation made in Ontario, Canada (were I live). It has been very helpful. 

All the best and once again thank you very much. 

Mel 

HI, 

I too had postpartum depression with my son. I had a rollercoaster ride with medication and ended up going off it (with docs advice) after 2 years (Prozac and Paxil). I felt like it was making me worse. I was very nervous to get pregnant again and waited 4 years. I just recently was pregnant again and lost the pregnancy at 11 weeks, 3 weeks ago. I am very nervous to try again. The pregnancy was very strange....very different from my first . I would have these moments of EXTREME rage for no reason. Very strange. 

My heart goes out to you....Please don't feel bad about your decision...If your pregnancy had have continued you may have had a miscarriage anyway or their could have been something very wrong.  You could not have done anything different ....their was something not quite right. I will not tell you " it was Gods way". I did not find this comforting at all. To be honest I don't know what to say. I will tell you that I would have done the same thing in your situation....I can't imagine how painful that was for you...... 

I want you wish you the best and I hope that over time it does get easier. I can't tell you if it does because I don't know that yet.  

Thinking of you, 

Mel 

Thank you very much for sharing your story with me. I am very sorry for you loss. I did not have a D& C but to be honest I wish I had until I read what happened to you.  What a nightmare! I agree that the worst part so far with grieving has been the things people have said. I think the problem is that most of the time people don't know what to say.  

Something else that has been difficult is watching how my husband is dealing with this. I feel like he doesn't care at all. I know that this is not true because he wanted this baby and he told my after much prying that he felt bad. I know everyone grieves differently but it doesn't make it any easier  to watch. 

Thank you very much for sharing. 

Mel 

Dear Mel: 

I hope you are doing better today. Take one day at a time. One thing that you said concerned me. You said "I realize now how much worse it could have been by reading some of the posts." There is truth to what you are saying. After all, things could always be worse! But, loss equals loss. How do we measure emotional pain of loss? I think only the facts change. The depth of grief that comes from loss just is. I think comparisons can be helpful when we need to give ourselves a shove but, if someone else tells us how much worse it could be, boy, can that be annoying! Like you, my heart also went out to others who experienced the loss of their child. What really amazed me was how many people there are walking around, looking perfectly normal, and yet they have their own private grief. 

And by the way, although I learned so much from the loss of my daughter, and it's probably made me a better person, don't think for one minute that I wouldn't give up all that knowledge if I could just have my baby back. That is the cold, hard reality but it just is, so you just have to keep on going. 

I also had a four year old and a two year old when my baby died. I found it important to answer their questions honestly, to explain my sadness, and to let them grieve in their own way. Since my baby died in October, Thanksgiving was more important than ever. You can well imagine how hard it was! No salt needed for the food, my tears did it all. But, we sat around the table, joined hands, and thanked the Almighty for our blessings and prayed for understanding. 

Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. My colleagues planted a tree for our baby that blooms every year. My husband and I went to our favorite lake, just the two of us, and cast flowers upon the water. I kept a journal for two months or so. I forced myself to take walks, to see people, to take my four year old to preschool, and I let people engage me in conversation even though it seems like it would have been easier to not talk. And, when I started to cry (sometimes so unexpectedly like right in the middle of the grocery store), I let people put their arms around me and comfort me. It is amazing how comforting people can be if you let them come close. 

It is tough for husbands. They want to make everything better, to fix their wife's sadness. I think it frustrates them to not be able to "fix it" plus they are dealing with their own sorrow and they're "supposed to be" strong. Sometimes I think it's really worse for men. At least we can just spill our guts and no one thinks we're some kind of a failure because of it!  Just be patient and forgiving with each other.  

Be patient with yourself. Take care! You can and will be happy again. Know that you have a huge network of supporters who've never met you, probably never will, but will always have you and every other grieving parent in their prayers, everyday. 

Chikara1 

My younger sister had to terminate a pregnancy because she was given a chemotherapeutic agent in the first trimester. It was a horrendous decision for her. Then, in a subsequent pregnancy, she had to terminate because of devastating fetal abnormalities. Once again, she wanted that baby so much. It was just awful and I can still hear the wounded animal sounds of her crying.  

You must not keep second-guessing yourself. First of all, it does you no good and you can't change anything. Secondly, you did what you had to do and you must accept that. Focus instead on the love that you have for your baby and hold that love in your heart forever. Let that love heal you so you can stop beating yourself up. I understand that there was a part of you that died along with that baby. Let that part of yourself rest in peace now. Let that part be in your heart, forever holding hands with your baby. And then let the rest of yourself live and love. 

I hope you are strengthened knowing that other people are praying for your peace. 

Hi again Mel. 

I also had people telling me that this was "God's way" and I definitely did not find that comforting at all. I don't think that God goes around taking back little babies! 

But people can say weird things and I often thought of compiling all the crazy things that people said in their attempts to make me feel better. One lady told me "oh well, some flowers are never meant to bloom" like we were talking about a geranium! That one floored me so much that I said nothing at all. I walked away laughing because it was completely absurd. I think we just have to let it go when people say "less than helpful" things. I think they really don't know what to say, want to help, and we just have to forgive them. Lord knows, I sure don't want them to feel my pain so they'll know how it feels when people say dumb stuff. Just let it go, like water off your back