Topic : Pregnancy Loss

Hi again Mel. 

I also had people telling me that this was "God's way" and I definitely did not find that comforting at all. I don't think that God goes around taking back little babies! 

But people can say weird things and I often thought of compiling all the crazy things that people said in their attempts to make me feel better. One lady told me "oh well, some flowers are never meant to bloom" like we were talking about a geranium! That one floored me so much that I said nothing at all. I walked away laughing because it was completely absurd. I think we just have to let it go when people say "less than helpful" things. I think they really don't know what to say, want to help, and we just have to forgive them. Lord knows, I sure don't want them to feel my pain so they'll know how it feels when people say dumb stuff. Just let it go, like water off your back 

HI, 

I am having an off day today so I thought I would check in here. I have days where I think about it constantly and then other days wouldn't be so bad. I thought this morning about the fact that I would be 14 weeks now and that in another 4 weeks we were going to have an ultrasound to find out what we were having. When we had my son they had just changed the law in NS about telling the sex so this was really exciting. We had tried recommended "methods" for trying for a girl and were anxious to see if it worked. My husband's family tend to produce boys. Now I realize that it didn't matter what I had I just wanted a healthy baby.  I will hopefully have that chance again. I was told that the chances of what happened were not likely to happen again especially because I had a healthy pregnancy before. I hope that they are right!  Thanks again for all your support. 

Mel 

HI, 

I too had postpartum depression with my son. I had a rollercoaster ride with medication and ended up going off it (with docs advice) after 2 years (Prozac and Paxil). I felt like it was making me worse. I was very nervous to get pregnant again and waited 4 years. I just recently was pregnant again and lost the pregnancy at 11 weeks, 3 weeks ago. I am very nervous to try again. The pregnancy was very strange....very different from my first . I would have these moments of EXTREME rage for no reason. Very strange. 

My heart goes out to you....Please don't feel bad about your decision...If your pregnancy had have continued you may have had a miscarriage anyway or their could have been something very wrong.  You could not have done anything different ....their was something not quite right. I will not tell you " it was Gods way". I did not find this comforting at all. To be honest I don't know what to say. I will tell you that I would have done the same thing in your situation....I can't imagine how painful that was for you...... 

I want you wish you the best and I hope that over time it does get easier. I can't tell you if it does because I don't know that yet.  

Thinking of you, 

Mel 

My younger sister had to terminate a pregnancy because she was given a chemotherapeutic agent in the first trimester. It was a horrendous decision for her. Then, in a subsequent pregnancy, she had to terminate because of devastating fetal abnormalities. Once again, she wanted that baby so much. It was just awful and I can still hear the wounded animal sounds of her crying.  

You must not keep second-guessing yourself. First of all, it does you no good and you can't change anything. Secondly, you did what you had to do and you must accept that. Focus instead on the love that you have for your baby and hold that love in your heart forever. Let that love heal you so you can stop beating yourself up. I understand that there was a part of you that died along with that baby. Let that part of yourself rest in peace now. Let that part be in your heart, forever holding hands with your baby. And then let the rest of yourself live and love. 

I hope you are strengthened knowing that other people are praying for your peace. 

I am so sorry that your baby didn't survive. I also had some "deflected anger" towards my husband but luckily my doctor educated me about the stages of grieving. He talked to me about this before I even left the hospital. Since I was oscillating between numb and devastated, he followed up by having a wonderful female nurse come to talk to me. She had also suffered both stillbirth and a miscarriage so she really knew what she was talking about. 

One of the stages involves anger. Sometimes anger and its companion, blame, are directed towards another even though that person didn't do anything "wrong." It might be a good idea for you to talk to a grief counselor who can help you to understand all these emotions that are going on. And, by the way, it's normal to have all sorts of different emotions now. You are going through a devastating loss. You might also want to do a search on the internet and look up the "stages of grief." Here's a few links: 

http://www.pregnancyloss.info/how_to_cope.htm 

http://www.silentgrief.com/ 

http://www.babylosskit.com/resources.html 

I wish you well and my thoughts and prayers are with you. 

I'm glad those websites helped. There's tons of support and information out there. One thing I was a little concerned about in reading your posts is whether you saw a doctor after your miscarriage. In your post on November 21st, you said that you "took a pregnancy test and it was negative. Antonio said that he knew it had to be wrong and we would take another a couple weeks down the road. Before I could take the second test I lost the baby. It took me a day or two to realize what had happened, I was at Antonio house and we looked the symptoms of a miscarriage and sure enough that was what had happened."  Without having medical confirmation, it can be difficult to tell whether there was really a pregnancy and miscarriage or just a late period. So, if you haven't seen your doctor yet, I strongly urge you to do so. 

I know many women have a really tough time seeing pregnant women and babies after their own loss. That was not my experience. I felt very sad for me and my baby but I found myself very happy for those women and babies. I wasn't jealous at all, just thankful that those little ones had safely made their journey into the world. I prayed for every pregnant woman I saw that she would never experience what I did. I never felt like "why me?" or "why my baby?" It just happened and it shouldn't have happened.  

I did know that I needed to heal my body and my broken heart. So I tried to do things that would bring me calm. I deliberately tried to find something to be happy about each and every day. I remember wondering if I would ever be able to smile again without also being sad. I remember the first day when I actually laughed. The day finally came when I realized that I hadn't thought about my lost baby all day long. I felt guilty, sad, and yet happy then because I knew that was a sign of healing. 

Like I've said in my previous posts, I was very concerned that I would forget how to be normal if I didn't practice doing normal things. So part of that practice was to force myself to find something to be happy for, or grateful for everyday. 

I got books on pregnancy loss and grieving. Back then the internet wasn't at all what it is today, so books were my main resource. It helped a lot to read, understand, and of course I'd then cry buckets for my loss and other people's losses. This probably helped in a cathartic way to relieve some of my own pain and it kept me from solely focussing on myself. That was another thing - I was afraid that if I only focussed on my own loss and my own pain, then I'd be locked into myself and ruin any chances of ever creating anything good out of this nightmare.  

Remember, too when you look at other pregnant women that you have no way of knowing their history unless they share it with you. You could see a couple walking down the street, she's pregnant, they're holding hands and obviously very happy. You have no way of knowing if this couple has tried for years to get pregnant, had multiple losses, or even if the very pregnancy that you are seeing is going to survive.  

Your loss was not fair. Neither was mine or anyone else's. Most of us have "what if" thoughts. The bottom line is that it did happen, it wasn't fair, and we have to heal. I knew I wanted another baby and I knew I had to heal so I could have a healthy body, and as peaceful a mindset as possible, for my next child to develop and grow in. 

You've got some healing to do but, if you haven't seen your doctor yet, I strongly urge you to do that as a first step. Let me know how you're doing - I'm thinking of you.