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Topic : Pregnancy Loss

Number of Replies: 270
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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:55:36 pm
Author : dataimport
Miscarriage, stillbirth, or neonatal death are the most heartbreaking times a couple might face. Share your story and receive support from others who understand.

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December 4, 2005, 10:10 am CST

Hi

Quote From: chikara1

Hi again Mel. 

  

I also had people telling me that this was "God's way" and I definitely did not find that comforting at all. I don't think that God goes around taking back little babies! 

  

But people can say weird things and I often thought of compiling all the crazy things that people said in their attempts to make me feel better. One lady told me "oh well, some flowers are never meant to bloom" like we were talking about a geranium! That one floored me so much that I said nothing at all. I walked away laughing because it was completely absurd. I think we just have to let it go when people say "less than helpful" things. I think they really don't know what to say, want to help, and we just have to forgive them. Lord knows, I sure don't want them to feel my pain so they'll know how it feels when people say dumb stuff. Just let it go, like water off your back 

HI, 

  

I am having an off day today so I thought I would check in here. I have days where I think about it constantly and then other days wouldn't be so bad. I thought this morning about the fact that I would be 14 weeks now and that in another 4 weeks we were going to have an ultrasound to find out what we were having. When we had my son they had just changed the law in NS about telling the sex so this was really exciting. We had tried recommended "methods" for trying for a girl and were anxious to see if it worked. My husband's family tend to produce boys. Now I realize that it didn't matter what I had I just wanted a healthy baby.  I will hopefully have that chance again. I was told that the chances of what happened were not likely to happen again especially because I had a healthy pregnancy before. I hope that they are right!  Thanks again for all your support. 

  

Mel 

 
December 4, 2005, 12:50 pm CST

All I Really Want...

Quote From: melgal

HI, 

  

I am having an off day today so I thought I would check in here. I have days where I think about it constantly and then other days wouldn't be so bad. I thought this morning about the fact that I would be 14 weeks now and that in another 4 weeks we were going to have an ultrasound to find out what we were having. When we had my son they had just changed the law in NS about telling the sex so this was really exciting. We had tried recommended "methods" for trying for a girl and were anxious to see if it worked. My husband's family tend to produce boys. Now I realize that it didn't matter what I had I just wanted a healthy baby.  I will hopefully have that chance again. I was told that the chances of what happened were not likely to happen again especially because I had a healthy pregnancy before. I hope that they are right!  Thanks again for all your support. 

  

Mel 

Hi Mel, 

  

Yes, there are days like that. Even now, sixteen years later, there are tough times. For me, the entire first year after my baby's death was so hard. All the first this day and the first that days. The booklet "Still To Be Born" helped me because it deals with pregnancy after having had a loss. Like you, I knew that I wanted another child. But I was scared even though I had the same kind of reassurances from my doctor. And I did go on to have two more children. Everything turned out fine but those pregnancies were certainly not the carefree, "earth mother" pregnancies like the two that preceeded the loss. 

  

When I became pregnant again, and people would ask me "what do you want?" I had to bite my tongue to not say, "I don't care as long as it's alive." My perspective sure did change after losing a baby! I never did say that (thank goodness) but I did find that everyone who talked to me about their own loss knew exactly what I meant.  

  

Each one of those "should have been" milestones will have their sadness. But, each one allows you to grieve and, when you grieve, you let go of some pain. You'll never let go of the love for your baby, but you can let go of the hurt and the pain. I think that's what grieving does. It gives us a way to resolve loss, each of us in our own way, so that we can go forward. 

  

One day when I was having a particularly tough time, wondering if I would ever be happy again, I asked my husband if he also felt like the pain was physical for him. He told me that it was but that it had to be different for me because I was the only one who really knew our baby's life.  

  

For whatever reason or reasons it all happened, and as awful as it all was (and is), I'm glad that I was her mommy for her moment. I know that she was loved, wanted, missed and that she lived, even though her time was too short. 

  

You take care, and do what you need to do to get through the particularly tough times. I also hope you have another pregnancy and that everything goes well.  

  

Chikara1 

 
December 5, 2005, 9:38 am CST

Thank You

Quote From: melgal

HI, 

  

I too had postpartum depression with my son. I had a rollercoaster ride with medication and ended up going off it (with docs advice) after 2 years (Prozac and Paxil). I felt like it was making me worse. I was very nervous to get pregnant again and waited 4 years. I just recently was pregnant again and lost the pregnancy at 11 weeks, 3 weeks ago. I am very nervous to try again. The pregnancy was very strange....very different from my first . I would have these moments of EXTREME rage for no reason. Very strange. 

  

My heart goes out to you....Please don't feel bad about your decision...If your pregnancy had have continued you may have had a miscarriage anyway or their could have been something very wrong.  You could not have done anything different ....their was something not quite right. I will not tell you " it was Gods way". I did not find this comforting at all. To be honest I don't know what to say. I will tell you that I would have done the same thing in your situation....I can't imagine how painful that was for you...... 

  

I want you wish you the best and I hope that over time it does get easier. I can't tell you if it does because I don't know that yet.  

  

Thinking of you, 

  

Mel 

hi mel, 

  

thank you so much for your story and advice. just knowing that there are other women out there dealing with similiar issues helps to put things in prospective.  it's not something i dwell on everyday because, for the most part, i'm very happy.  i just wish things were different as i'm sure a lot of other women feel the same way.  thanks again holly 

 
December 5, 2005, 10:05 am CST

Thank You

Quote From: chikara1

My younger sister had to terminate a pregnancy because she was given a chemotherapeutic agent in the first trimester. It was a horrendous decision for her. Then, in a subsequent pregnancy, she had to terminate because of devastating fetal abnormalities. Once again, she wanted that baby so much. It was just awful and I can still hear the wounded animal sounds of her crying.  

  

You must not keep second-guessing yourself. First of all, it does you no good and you can't change anything. Secondly, you did what you had to do and you must accept that. Focus instead on the love that you have for your baby and hold that love in your heart forever. Let that love heal you so you can stop beating yourself up. I understand that there was a part of you that died along with that baby. Let that part of yourself rest in peace now. Let that part be in your heart, forever holding hands with your baby. And then let the rest of yourself live and love. 

  

I hope you are strengthened knowing that other people are praying for your peace. 

hi 

thanks soooo much for the comforting words and advice.  for the most part, i have done everything you adviced and spoken about but, it's that one part of me that is unsettled.  i do love my family very much and thank god everyday for victoria. it's soothing (in some way) knowing that i'm not the only one. thanks again holly (poot567) 

 
December 7, 2005, 4:33 pm CST

Is this normal?

    It has been three weeks since my little one has been gone. I made the decision to call him or her Jamie Evan Orange. I still wake up some morning and have a good cry and I know thats normal But what I'm not to sure is normal is that I'm mad at my boyfriend because our baby didn't survive. He did nothing to cause the loss but I can't get over my feeling of blame. When I talk about the baby I'm in tears and he doesn't cry about the baby, that I know of. And no matter how many times he tells me he cares and doesn't like to show his emotions, I can't get over the rage and blame I feel inside. I try to hide the fact that I feel this way but some times it rears its ugly head. I try to find things to say that I know will hurt him, I want him to feel all the pain that I feel. Is this normal?
 
December 7, 2005, 7:39 pm CST

What's Normal...

Quote From: fairladyz

    It has been three weeks since my little one has been gone. I made the decision to call him or her Jamie Evan Orange. I still wake up some morning and have a good cry and I know thats normal But what I'm not to sure is normal is that I'm mad at my boyfriend because our baby didn't survive. He did nothing to cause the loss but I can't get over my feeling of blame. When I talk about the baby I'm in tears and he doesn't cry about the baby, that I know of. And no matter how many times he tells me he cares and doesn't like to show his emotions, I can't get over the rage and blame I feel inside. I try to hide the fact that I feel this way but some times it rears its ugly head. I try to find things to say that I know will hurt him, I want him to feel all the pain that I feel. Is this normal?

I am so sorry that your baby didn't survive. I also had some "deflected anger" towards my husband but luckily my doctor educated me about the stages of grieving. He talked to me about this before I even left the hospital. Since I was oscillating between numb and devastated, he followed up by having a wonderful female nurse come to talk to me. She had also suffered both stillbirth and a miscarriage so she really knew what she was talking about. 

  

One of the stages involves anger. Sometimes anger and its companion, blame, are directed towards another even though that person didn't do anything "wrong." It might be a good idea for you to talk to a grief counselor who can help you to understand all these emotions that are going on. And, by the way, it's normal to have all sorts of different emotions now. You are going through a devastating loss. You might also want to do a search on the internet and look up the "stages of grief." Here's a few links: 

  

http://www.pregnancyloss.info/how_to_cope.htm 

http://www.silentgrief.com/ 

http://www.babylosskit.com/resources.html 

  

I wish you well and my thoughts and prayers are with you. 

  

 
December 9, 2005, 4:49 pm CST

Thank you

Quote From: chikara1

I am so sorry that your baby didn't survive. I also had some "deflected anger" towards my husband but luckily my doctor educated me about the stages of grieving. He talked to me about this before I even left the hospital. Since I was oscillating between numb and devastated, he followed up by having a wonderful female nurse come to talk to me. She had also suffered both stillbirth and a miscarriage so she really knew what she was talking about. 

  

One of the stages involves anger. Sometimes anger and its companion, blame, are directed towards another even though that person didn't do anything "wrong." It might be a good idea for you to talk to a grief counselor who can help you to understand all these emotions that are going on. And, by the way, it's normal to have all sorts of different emotions now. You are going through a devastating loss. You might also want to do a search on the internet and look up the "stages of grief." Here's a few links: 

  

http://www.pregnancyloss.info/how_to_cope.htm 

http://www.silentgrief.com/ 

http://www.babylosskit.com/resources.html 

  

I wish you well and my thoughts and prayers are with you. 

  

 Thank you for your support and comfort I really needed those websites that you gave me. I'm no longer mad at my boyfriend anymore, the silent grief  website helped him understand how I was feeling.  I was having a really hard time yesterday, my boyfriend took his friend  Jesus and Jesus' girlfriend, Tara,  to the OBGYN for her 3 month check up. While they were seeing the dr my boyfriend  came  and picked me up. I thought I could handle seeing  Tara without feeling sad but I was wrong. On the way from the hospital  I turned around to say something to Jesus and I saw him rubbing on Tara's belly and I just wanted to lose it!! I want to scream, curse and cry. I'm not very good at hiding my feelings so I can't imagine to look on my face. It was like they were teasing me, flaunting something that I lost. I wanted to tell my boyfriend to stop the car and I wanted to walk in the snow until I could calm down. But I sat in the passanger seat in silent unbearable pain. I held my feelings together until 4:00am I woke up and broke down I cried for 3 hours until cried myself to sleep. All day I haven't been myself but I can't even hide my  unconfort and unhappiness. How do you deal with seeing other pregnant people and babies?
 
December 10, 2005, 1:10 am CST

Seeing Pregnant People

Quote From: fairladyz

 Thank you for your support and comfort I really needed those websites that you gave me. I'm no longer mad at my boyfriend anymore, the silent grief  website helped him understand how I was feeling.  I was having a really hard time yesterday, my boyfriend took his friend  Jesus and Jesus' girlfriend, Tara,  to the OBGYN for her 3 month check up. While they were seeing the dr my boyfriend  came  and picked me up. I thought I could handle seeing  Tara without feeling sad but I was wrong. On the way from the hospital  I turned around to say something to Jesus and I saw him rubbing on Tara's belly and I just wanted to lose it!! I want to scream, curse and cry. I'm not very good at hiding my feelings so I can't imagine to look on my face. It was like they were teasing me, flaunting something that I lost. I wanted to tell my boyfriend to stop the car and I wanted to walk in the snow until I could calm down. But I sat in the passanger seat in silent unbearable pain. I held my feelings together until 4:00am I woke up and broke down I cried for 3 hours until cried myself to sleep. All day I haven't been myself but I can't even hide my  unconfort and unhappiness. How do you deal with seeing other pregnant people and babies?

I'm glad those websites helped. There's tons of support and information out there. One thing I was a little concerned about in reading your posts is whether you saw a doctor after your miscarriage. In your post on November 21st, you said that you "took a pregnancy test and it was negative. Antonio said that he knew it had to be wrong and we would take another a couple weeks down the road. Before I could take the second test I lost the baby. It took me a day or two to realize what had happened, I was at Antonio house and we looked the symptoms of a miscarriage and sure enough that was what had happened."  Without having medical confirmation, it can be difficult to tell whether there was really a pregnancy and miscarriage or just a late period. So, if you haven't seen your doctor yet, I strongly urge you to do so. 

  

I know many women have a really tough time seeing pregnant women and babies after their own loss. That was not my experience. I felt very sad for me and my baby but I found myself very happy for those women and babies. I wasn't jealous at all, just thankful that those little ones had safely made their journey into the world. I prayed for every pregnant woman I saw that she would never experience what I did. I never felt like "why me?" or "why my baby?" It just happened and it shouldn't have happened.  

  

I did know that I needed to heal my body and my broken heart. So I tried to do things that would bring me calm. I deliberately tried to find something to be happy about each and every day. I remember wondering if I would ever be able to smile again without also being sad. I remember the first day when I actually laughed. The day finally came when I realized that I hadn't thought about my lost baby all day long. I felt guilty, sad, and yet happy then because I knew that was a sign of healing. 

  

Like I've said in my previous posts, I was very concerned that I would forget how to be normal if I didn't practice doing normal things. So part of that practice was to force myself to find something to be happy for, or grateful for everyday. 

  

I got books on pregnancy loss and grieving. Back then the internet wasn't at all what it is today, so books were my main resource. It helped a lot to read, understand, and of course I'd then cry buckets for my loss and other people's losses. This probably helped in a cathartic way to relieve some of my own pain and it kept me from solely focussing on myself. That was another thing - I was afraid that if I only focussed on my own loss and my own pain, then I'd be locked into myself and ruin any chances of ever creating anything good out of this nightmare.  

  

Remember, too when you look at other pregnant women that you have no way of knowing their history unless they share it with you. You could see a couple walking down the street, she's pregnant, they're holding hands and obviously very happy. You have no way of knowing if this couple has tried for years to get pregnant, had multiple losses, or even if the very pregnancy that you are seeing is going to survive.  

  

Your loss was not fair. Neither was mine or anyone else's. Most of us have "what if" thoughts. The bottom line is that it did happen, it wasn't fair, and we have to heal. I knew I wanted another baby and I knew I had to heal so I could have a healthy body, and as peaceful a mindset as possible, for my next child to develop and grow in. 

  

You've got some healing to do but, if you haven't seen your doctor yet, I strongly urge you to do that as a first step. Let me know how you're doing - I'm thinking of you. 

 
December 10, 2005, 7:21 am CST

Web Resources

I was looking for websites where the booklets "When Hello Means Goodbye" and "Still To Be Born" could be ordered. And I found the website by the author: 

  

http://www.griefwatch.com/ 

  

Hope this helps. 

 
December 10, 2005, 8:40 pm CST

Pregnancy Loss

Quote From: chikara1

I'm glad those websites helped. There's tons of support and information out there. One thing I was a little concerned about in reading your posts is whether you saw a doctor after your miscarriage. In your post on November 21st, you said that you "took a pregnancy test and it was negative. Antonio said that he knew it had to be wrong and we would take another a couple weeks down the road. Before I could take the second test I lost the baby. It took me a day or two to realize what had happened, I was at Antonio house and we looked the symptoms of a miscarriage and sure enough that was what had happened."  Without having medical confirmation, it can be difficult to tell whether there was really a pregnancy and miscarriage or just a late period. So, if you haven't seen your doctor yet, I strongly urge you to do so. 

  

I know many women have a really tough time seeing pregnant women and babies after their own loss. That was not my experience. I felt very sad for me and my baby but I found myself very happy for those women and babies. I wasn't jealous at all, just thankful that those little ones had safely made their journey into the world. I prayed for every pregnant woman I saw that she would never experience what I did. I never felt like "why me?" or "why my baby?" It just happened and it shouldn't have happened.  

  

I did know that I needed to heal my body and my broken heart. So I tried to do things that would bring me calm. I deliberately tried to find something to be happy about each and every day. I remember wondering if I would ever be able to smile again without also being sad. I remember the first day when I actually laughed. The day finally came when I realized that I hadn't thought about my lost baby all day long. I felt guilty, sad, and yet happy then because I knew that was a sign of healing. 

  

Like I've said in my previous posts, I was very concerned that I would forget how to be normal if I didn't practice doing normal things. So part of that practice was to force myself to find something to be happy for, or grateful for everyday. 

  

I got books on pregnancy loss and grieving. Back then the internet wasn't at all what it is today, so books were my main resource. It helped a lot to read, understand, and of course I'd then cry buckets for my loss and other people's losses. This probably helped in a cathartic way to relieve some of my own pain and it kept me from solely focussing on myself. That was another thing - I was afraid that if I only focussed on my own loss and my own pain, then I'd be locked into myself and ruin any chances of ever creating anything good out of this nightmare.  

  

Remember, too when you look at other pregnant women that you have no way of knowing their history unless they share it with you. You could see a couple walking down the street, she's pregnant, they're holding hands and obviously very happy. You have no way of knowing if this couple has tried for years to get pregnant, had multiple losses, or even if the very pregnancy that you are seeing is going to survive.  

  

Your loss was not fair. Neither was mine or anyone else's. Most of us have "what if" thoughts. The bottom line is that it did happen, it wasn't fair, and we have to heal. I knew I wanted another baby and I knew I had to heal so I could have a healthy body, and as peaceful a mindset as possible, for my next child to develop and grow in. 

  

You've got some healing to do but, if you haven't seen your doctor yet, I strongly urge you to do that as a first step. Let me know how you're doing - I'm thinking of you. 

You are right I didn't see a Dr. It all happened so fast my head is still spinning. What had happened was I got pregnant right after my period so it was a long time to wait until my next one.I took the test on the 12th and my period came the 14th,it was a couple of days early, I should have came the 18th or 19th and this was the first time I had ever had cramps. There was alot of blood, more then usual. And all the strange tissue like stuff in the toilet scared me. I looked it up on the Internet and it descried exactly what I saw and felt. One of my friends has had 2 miscarriages and I told her what I saw and everything that happened. She told me that it sounded like what had happened to her. I would have went to the Dr but I don't have one yet, I just moved here.I will find one soon and get a check up. Do I need to go to a special Dr. or is a family Dr. fine? It has been a little over 3 weeks can the Dr. still tell?
 
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