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Topic : 07/19 Mind Your Business

Number of Replies: 273
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Friday, May 05, 2006, 07:03:49 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 05/11/06) They go through your wallet, they trace your phone calls, they even get in their car to follow your every move. They’re meddlesome, nosy people who love to snoop! Dr. Phil’s guests are fed up with loved ones who can't seem to stay out of their business. Carla, 31, says she's tired of her mother, Pamela, tracking her every move, day and night. Pamela says having a house right behind her daughter makes keeping an eye on her easy. She even cut down Carla's hedges so she could see better! Does this backyard buttinsky know best, or does she need to stay on her side of the fence? Then, Christie is so obsessed with snooping on her husband, Shannon, that she reads his e-mails, checks his phone messages and even smells his clothes just to make sure he's not cheating on her. Shannon says he has no privacy and is contemplating leaving his wife. What's behind Christie's constant snooping and interrogations? Plus, a mom who says as long as her children live under her roof, she has the right to eavesdrop on their phone calls, read their diaries, and even search through their clothes while they're sleeping! Is she crossing the line? Share your thoughts here.

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May 11, 2006, 8:10 am CDT

nosey mom

I have to say...I have a very very nosey mother..she calls me every mornin at about the sametime..if im still sleepin she will call till she wakes me up..i work second shift and take care of her 2 granddaughters. She has gone to the point of if I dont answer after like the 3rd or 4th call she will drive over here and check things out. She has threatened to call the cops if she cant get ahold of me. She will call my utility companies pretending to be me and find out the balances I owe on bills and she will contantly tell me that I shouldnt be payin for things the price I do. God help me I love this woman more than anything in this world but man Im 35 almost 36 yrs old and I still have to call mommy and tell her where Im going and when I will be back and what I am buying...HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!
 
May 11, 2006, 9:30 am CDT

05/11 Mind Your Business

Quote From: sedwards

I was furious after watching this segment of the show.  How dare this mother sit  there and laugh about her actions.  I am a 53 year old mother and grandmother and even though I don't agree with all the decisions my daughters make I keep my mouth shut until I am asked for advise or an opinion.  I have a mother that was just like this one and guess what happened?  I did exactly what Dr. Phil said this daughter would do, I distanced myself and my child until my mother learned what her boundaries are and we now have a great relationship.
Good for you! I am very happy that you and your mother figured out how to have a relationship that you are both happy with.

This really seems like a hard step for some parents to do. It's another level of parenting that so many simply aren't willing to learn.

I also have found that, well at least MY father, has no empathy for me. I have pointed out and I have heard him say that he wouldn't appreciate his own mother pressure him with the things he pressures me with.


 
May 11, 2006, 9:58 am CDT

to Denise

 I had a mother like you.  I come from a big family and my mom treated us all like the subjects of a continuing FBI investigation from the age of 13 on.  To cope with her distrust,  we learned not to tell her anything except what was absolutely essential.  I am 47, a successful lawyer , wife and mother and I don't do anything I need to be secretive about, but even now I am careful when I talk to her.  She knows less about me than my mother in law does. My brothers and sisters and I never have the kind of free-wheeling, open discussions we normally have if mom is around. We just got into the habit of keeping things private around her and it stuck.  

  

The downside that Dr. Phil failed to anticipate is that you will impair your relationship with your children if you keep this up. 

  

I treat my children with respect.  I never snoop in their lives.  When they confide in me, I keep their confidences .  I never interfere in their lives except with their permission. I am confident that I raised them with values and principles. If I felt there was a problem developing with one of my kids, I would sit down and talk to them about my concerns. 

  

You might think I risk having a problem arise that I wouldn't catch, but they talk to me LOTS, I know how they feel about things.  I know their hopes and dreams and their hurts and pains.  I see their grades, their performance in activities and I see their friends.  Frankly, I think that you are much more likely to miss seeing a problem develop because your kids won't confide in you. 

 
May 11, 2006, 10:43 am CDT

05/11 Mind Your Business

Quote From: tammat

I am a mother of 7 children. I agree that as a mother we have the right to look through our childrens things and know what they are up to. You can't be to careful these days BUT there are boundries. I have looked through my  teenagers things. I have also told them about things I have found but I haven't  told them about everything I have found.  I feel there are things that we shouldn't tell them we know and what I mean by that is "harmless things". Things that wont make a difference if we know or not.  I do draw the line at adult hood.  I have 3 kids graduated and out of the house  and one graduating in a month from high school.  I think once they are out of the house and on their own doing their own thing we have no write to tell them what to do. We may offer our addvice but that is it.  Once my children are out of high school and out of my house what they do is their business and if I do find out something that they are doing that I don't like after they are on their own then I have to learn how to deal with it, not them.  So what I am trying to say is if you continue to snoop after they are adults then you better be able to deal with what you find because kids don't live like their parents do. I know I don't live the same live style as my parents do.

I feel there are things that we shouldn't tell them we know and what I mean by that is "harmless things". Things that wont make a difference if we know or not.   

  

Do you really think that when you invade your children's privacy to snoop through "harmless things" it is OK if you don't let on that you invaded their privacy??  You will now have to be careful forever to remember not to "let on" about the things you discovered in your snooping.  It just puts another brick in the wall between you-this one added from your side. 

 
May 11, 2006, 10:43 am CDT

Poor Christie

Dr. Phil was so 100% on the nose with regard to Christie; her very actions/ compulsions with regard to her devoted husband are what will drive him away from her. Hopefully now she will get the help she needs. The problem is 100% her's and not his. He must really be a "Keeper" for putting up with Christie this long. God bless them and their union. May it only grow stronger. 

  

Great advice for the mother snooper, too. She's over-the-top, but her concerns and caring are genuine. She needs to pull back the reigns and only snoop when her children give her cause to snoop. Most mothers, if they truly love and know their children, will have an idea when something is wrong. That's when it's time to snoop, but not before. 

  

As for the cigarettes and condoms the piece showed, THAT would give me cause to snoop. Both are unacceptable (if the kids are in middle school and/or high school). There would be LOTS of conversation in THIS household if I found that crap in here. Hopefully, mothers these days are talking with (not AT) their children about the down side (and it's all down) of teen age pre-marital sex and the risks of smoking. I did both and I regret both. My mother, God love her, was a sap who never snooped, but should have! Again, there's a HAPPY MEDIUM when it comes to snooping and Dr. Phil covered it beautifully.  

 
May 11, 2006, 10:48 am CDT

Wimpy people

Any ADULT child is a fool if she allows her/his mother to bully her (and BULLY is the correct term).  

  

Boundaries and privacy are a RIGHT, but it's up to the ADULT child to set the boundaries and damand privacy. As Dr. Phil always says, 'We teach people how to treat us."  

  

Get a backbone ADULT children (notice I keep emphasizing the word ADULT) and stop being bullied by your misguided mothers. Respect them, but don't put up with bullying!  I have a mother (age 81) who has NEVER meddled and we communicate DAILY. I pray to God that I will be that same kind of wonderful mother to my own two children!!! It's truly a gift we can give our kids.  

 
May 11, 2006, 10:54 am CDT

05/11 Mind Your Business

I think the mom snooping on the adult daughter really needs to back off. The woman is an adult and the mom has no right to be so nosy. It is one thing to check on a loved one, especially if they are going through a difficult time, but the way this mother, come on. If my parents were like that I'd probably have to cut them out of my life for a bit, just to get some space, and then try to start our relationship over again. Seriously, the minute she threatened to turn her daugher into the authorities for no reason, that should've been it. My grandparents live behind my parents and they don't even resort to snooping on one another, we can literally goes days on end and not see one another.  

  

As to the mom snooping on teens, I think she also needs to back off a bit. Dr. Phil hit it on the head when he said they'll just become more sneaky. It can also make the kids, which are pretty close to adulthood, resent her. My parents always kept tabs on us but they didn't resort to snooping, especially in my journal. There were a lot of personal things in there and I suffered from depression for several periods--and if my parents had read what was written they would have been very hurt and probably angry.  

  

We never had a curfew, but if we told Mom we'd be home by 1 am, we better not walk in the door at 105 or we were in big trouble. By not having a curfew, I mean that my mother knew where we were and could always call to check on us, even in the early days of the cell phone--both my sister and I had one for safety reasons and so she could get a hold of us. I'm very close to my parents, especially my mom. She's very stubborn and I'm pretty passive, but she has always been able to trust both my sister and myself because we didn't want to dissappoint her.  

 
May 11, 2006, 11:12 am CDT

05/11 Mind Your Business

Quote From: judyblue22

I feel there are things that we shouldn't tell them we know and what I mean by that is "harmless things". Things that wont make a difference if we know or not.   

  

Do you really think that when you invade your children's privacy to snoop through "harmless things" it is OK if you don't let on that you invaded their privacy??  You will now have to be careful forever to remember not to "let on" about the things you discovered in your snooping.  It just puts another brick in the wall between you-this one added from your side. 

Judy I never thought about it like that at all.

I have, as you might know, a 2 year old daughter, I'm 27 and I've been married for 7 years so I am at a different stage of life then you. (BTW, you seem to a great example of what a woman can do and be in everyway and I look up to you here on these boards, I certainly hope I can be like you someday. I really mean that.)  I often thought that snooping through my daughters things when she becomes a teen might be justified if I am worried about her or feel I need more insight about her personal life. But you made a great point. I would never want to do anything to make a wall between me and my daughter. I want her to trust me now and always.  It's one of those things I'm going to have to ponder and thankfully I have time to ponder it as 2 year olds don't really have much of a private life...LOL

I guess this falls into the 'honesty is the best policy' catagory....
 
May 11, 2006, 11:13 am CDT

05/11 Mind Your Business

Quote From: judyblue22

 I had a mother like you.  I come from a big family and my mom treated us all like the subjects of a continuing FBI investigation from the age of 13 on.  To cope with her distrust,  we learned not to tell her anything except what was absolutely essential.  I am 47, a successful lawyer , wife and mother and I don't do anything I need to be secretive about, but even now I am careful when I talk to her.  She knows less about me than my mother in law does. My brothers and sisters and I never have the kind of free-wheeling, open discussions we normally have if mom is around. We just got into the habit of keeping things private around her and it stuck.  

  

The downside that Dr. Phil failed to anticipate is that you will impair your relationship with your children if you keep this up. 

  

I treat my children with respect.  I never snoop in their lives.  When they confide in me, I keep their confidences .  I never interfere in their lives except with their permission. I am confident that I raised them with values and principles. If I felt there was a problem developing with one of my kids, I would sit down and talk to them about my concerns. 

  

You might think I risk having a problem arise that I wouldn't catch, but they talk to me LOTS, I know how they feel about things.  I know their hopes and dreams and their hurts and pains.  I see their grades, their performance in activities and I see their friends.  Frankly, I think that you are much more likely to miss seeing a problem develop because your kids won't confide in you. 

Judy,  

  

You sound like an awesome mom. I'm guessing that if you'd had serious suspcisions that you'd have acted on them...but because your children know that you trust them they don't feel the need to hide things and can be open and honest. 

  

You're right about the keeping things as you get older, my dad's parents were pretty controlling and did some of the snooping stuff your mom did--he also isn't as close to his mom as he'd like to be. Things have gotten better, but he's in his mid 50s and its taken almost 40 years to get to the point where he'll confide a few things in his mom--but they still aren't overly close. He loves her, calls her once a week or so, and stops by every 2 weeks but that's it.  

  

It has also made our (my sister's and me) relationship difficult w/her at times, espceially when compared to my mom's parents.  

 
May 11, 2006, 11:37 am CDT

If you live there....

Quote From: momilonka

the mom is going to far1 

  

my mom is doing that to, and it pisses me off! 

diarees are private area! 

  

i have an 9 months old infant and still living at home.. 

now she tells me what to do and how to raise my own child.. 

she makes the rules and i have to live to it! 

or else she will get very pissed off!! 

First off, if you live with your parents, you follow their rules--regardless of how old you are.  Secondly, if you have a 9 month old and are still living with your parents you obviously NEED to be told what to do.  I'll agree that the mother on the show was way over the top but the daughter lived in her own house and paid her own bills and supported herself.  The mother on the show has too much time on her hands and as Dr. Phil has said, she needs a hobby.
 
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