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Topic : 07/19 Mind Your Business

Number of Replies: 273
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Friday, May 05, 2006, 07:03:49 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 05/11/06) They go through your wallet, they trace your phone calls, they even get in their car to follow your every move. They’re meddlesome, nosy people who love to snoop! Dr. Phil’s guests are fed up with loved ones who can't seem to stay out of their business. Carla, 31, says she's tired of her mother, Pamela, tracking her every move, day and night. Pamela says having a house right behind her daughter makes keeping an eye on her easy. She even cut down Carla's hedges so she could see better! Does this backyard buttinsky know best, or does she need to stay on her side of the fence? Then, Christie is so obsessed with snooping on her husband, Shannon, that she reads his e-mails, checks his phone messages and even smells his clothes just to make sure he's not cheating on her. Shannon says he has no privacy and is contemplating leaving his wife. What's behind Christie's constant snooping and interrogations? Plus, a mom who says as long as her children live under her roof, she has the right to eavesdrop on their phone calls, read their diaries, and even search through their clothes while they're sleeping! Is she crossing the line? Share your thoughts here.

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May 11, 2006, 11:44 am CDT

mind your business

Quote From: flthomcat

Any ADULT child is a fool if she allows her/his mother to bully her (and BULLY is the correct term).  

  

Boundaries and privacy are a RIGHT, but it's up to the ADULT child to set the boundaries and damand privacy. As Dr. Phil always says, 'We teach people how to treat us."  

  

Get a backbone ADULT children (notice I keep emphasizing the word ADULT) and stop being bullied by your misguided mothers. Respect them, but don't put up with bullying!  I have a mother (age 81) who has NEVER meddled and we communicate DAILY. I pray to God that I will be that same kind of wonderful mother to my own two children!!! It's truly a gift we can give our kids.  

I agree with you completely. Boundaries are definintely a right and it is up the the adult children to set the boundaries but also the parents to realize that they have overstepped the boundaries.  Speak up and be honest with your meddling parent(s). Talk to them before things get out of hand. Don't put up with their meddling. You are now and adult and have the right to make your own life which includes making decisions and mistakes for that is how we learn. As Dr/ Phil said, "We teach people how to treat us".
 
May 11, 2006, 11:46 am CDT

Ya ok

Does this mother have nothing better to do then stalk these people? Does she not have her own life? They have a life. Get one of your own. And trimming down there bushes is just dumb. If they want em trimmed im sure they can do it on there own. There ADULTS not children. So mind ya own buissness and get your own life.
 
May 11, 2006, 11:56 am CDT

is it possible for them to "mind your own business"?

  

Why are they like they are? 

  

Is it possible; 

  

1) they are extremely lonely? 

2) are the product of this behavior when they were growing up? 

3) oblivious of their behavior, because they just do not care? 

4) dealing with this matter because it is " the best they know how to do"? 

  

5) all of the above? 

  

Solution; 

  

Set boundaries...make it known that these patterns of behavior will NOT be tolerated, and stick to the terms of the boundaries. If they fail to meet the requirements, disconnect from them, and show them it is what they chose. 

  

Been there, and living in peace, 

  

RJ 

 
May 11, 2006, 11:58 am CDT

05/11 Mind Your Business

Quote From: purplepain

Judy I never thought about it like that at all.

I have, as you might know, a 2 year old daughter, I'm 27 and I've been married for 7 years so I am at a different stage of life then you. (BTW, you seem to a great example of what a woman can do and be in everyway and I look up to you here on these boards, I certainly hope I can be like you someday. I really mean that.)  I often thought that snooping through my daughters things when she becomes a teen might be justified if I am worried about her or feel I need more insight about her personal life. But you made a great point. I would never want to do anything to make a wall between me and my daughter. I want her to trust me now and always.  It's one of those things I'm going to have to ponder and thankfully I have time to ponder it as 2 year olds don't really have much of a private life...LOL

I guess this falls into the 'honesty is the best policy' catagory....

Wow! Thanks for the compliments.  And you are right, honesty with your kids is a good thing.  The easiest thing to do with your kids is to talk  to them-about everything: your concerns, your pride, your worries and your expectations. Then you are working from the same page not opposing positions. 

  

For example, last year,  I had a concern about one of my daughter's friends.  Her mom was really young (she must have been 15 when she had her) and their home life seemed unstable.  Then my daughter and her friend  were allowed by the mom to make prank calls from that home on a sleep over which made my "bad kid radar" go up.  I could have snooped around to find out about her, but I didn't.  I explained my concerns to my daughter and we talked about the friend.   

  

As it happened, my daughter was concerned about her friend too.  She didn't have skates and didn't know how to skate (that's a big deal in Canada) and didn't have a bike and didn't know how to ride one and my daughter said the only thing her friend could do was hang around the neighbourhood and they sometimes did bad things because they were bored.  It was an easy thing to solve because my daughter is physically big and her friend is small so we gave her my daughter's outgrown sports equipment and always tried to include her in our outings and she now knows how to skate and bike ride :).   

  

The key though was that I respected my daughter enough to ask her about the situation and we came up with an answer together.  We even planned how to be discreet to make it easy for her friend and her mom to accept.  Instead of it being a dispute beween us it became a joint project that we worked together and my daughter learned that I'm an ally not an enemy. 

 
May 11, 2006, 11:58 am CDT

help!

Quote From: shinklin

I have to say...I have a very very nosey mother..she calls me every mornin at about the sametime..if im still sleepin she will call till she wakes me up..i work second shift and take care of her 2 granddaughters. She has gone to the point of if I dont answer after like the 3rd or 4th call she will drive over here and check things out. She has threatened to call the cops if she cant get ahold of me. She will call my utility companies pretending to be me and find out the balances I owe on bills and she will contantly tell me that I shouldnt be payin for things the price I do. God help me I love this woman more than anything in this world but man Im 35 almost 36 yrs old and I still have to call mommy and tell her where Im going and when I will be back and what I am buying...HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!

I don't doubt that you love your mother but she has gone too far. Have you had a face to face talk with her and tell her how you feel?  

A few suggestions, if you don't mind, (1) Turn your telephone ringer off at night . (2) talk to the utility comapanies and ask if they could put a note on your account that they may only speak with you provided you give them a correct password and don't give the password to your mother. (3) Perhaps you will have to do all your utility paying on-line and request that they speak to noone in person. (4) Perhaps your mother is bluffing. Allow her to call the cops. Call her bluff. (5) Don't keep calling her. Just try to ignore her, stand up to her. I know that it will cause hard feelings but do you want your life back?  

Sorry, I didn't mean to rant and rave but I get so annoyed when I hear about meddling parents.  

Hopefully, watching the Dr. Phil show will also give you some good advice that might help your situation. Good luck and God Bless  

   

 
May 11, 2006, 12:03 pm CDT

It is not a matter if you have the right to do something

It is not a question of if you have a right to do something it is a question of is it the right thing to do.

  

 

 

  

 

I can't imagine for one minute violating anyone in this way, my kids, my spouse, my parents, or friends.  These are people I trust and are trustworthy, my kids because I taught them to be, my parents because they taught me to be and my friends because I chose them. 

  

 

 

  

 

I would feel violated if someone did this to me I would never consider doing it to someone else. 

  

 

 

  

 

The only exception was I installed snoopware on my teen’s computer with their full knowledge.  They knew it was there and what the rules were.  Within 6 months I uninstalled it because it was clear that it was not needed in my household.  I would also consider installing a speed monitoring device on a car of a new teen driver but only with their full knowledge.  It is not the desire to catch them doing something wrong it is the desire to keep them safe.   

 

Once trust is earned then it should not be violated.   

 

  

 

No I did not have the perfect teen but we had enough trust that the couple of time she did use bad judgment she called for a ride home and I pick her up hugged her and told her I loved her so I knew she would always feel she could call me if she needed me.  I never opened her backpack, purse; check the numbers on her cell phone bill or anything else without an invitation.  She is respectful to me in return.

  

 

 

  

 

I simply cannot imagine the need to do this to someone.

  

 

 

  

 

My guess is untrusting people tend to be untrustworthy themselves.  So I expect the snoopers are guilty of doing things they are trying to catch others doing.

  

 

  

 
May 11, 2006, 12:34 pm CDT

I am Christie

As I watch the story of Christie obsessively snooping on husband I feel sick to my stomach.  I did this to two different men I was engaged to.  Needless to say, I lost both men.  I did all the same things Christie does...and even would stalk them (follow them) to make sure they weren't with someone else.  Can't tell you how painful it was.  I was beyond obsessed...consumed every minute of the day with checking and snooping on them to make sure they weren't cheating on me.  It's the worst feeling in the world...I wanted to kill myself. I have made the decision to not even date anymore because I can't control it.  These guys didn't understand why I was so afraid...I was a state beauty queen...had my own career...was super athletic...and when not obsessing about them...everyone told me how funny I was (I've written comedy sketches for stage performers).  It didn't matter...I was convinced that they were just with me until someone better came along.  I just don't think I could ever change.  It's horrible.
 
May 11, 2006, 12:37 pm CDT

Remember this daughter is an ADULT!

 I read all the posts regarding this subject, and I'm AMAZED at the comments.  Did the mother overstep her boundaries?  Yes.  Is she nosy, obnoxious, irritating?  Yes.  Is it her fault?  Not really. 

  

This ADULT daughter (as only one other poster commented on) is 31 years old.  Therefore, she has been an ADULT for at least 13 years (10 if you say the clock starts at 21).  A DECADE is more than enough time to develop a backbone and put her mother back in her place.  The mother was giggling at her own actions....the DAUGHTER giggled at her mother's actions.  If her actions were so intrusive, there is NOTHING funny about it.   

  

  

 
May 11, 2006, 12:45 pm CDT

05/11 Mind Your Business

Quote From: judyblue22

Wow! Thanks for the compliments.  And you are right, honesty with your kids is a good thing.  The easiest thing to do with your kids is to talk  to them-about everything: your concerns, your pride, your worries and your expectations. Then you are working from the same page not opposing positions. 

  

For example, last year,  I had a concern about one of my daughter's friends.  Her mom was really young (she must have been 15 when she had her) and their home life seemed unstable.  Then my daughter and her friend  were allowed by the mom to make prank calls from that home on a sleep over which made my "bad kid radar" go up.  I could have snooped around to find out about her, but I didn't.  I explained my concerns to my daughter and we talked about the friend.   

  

As it happened, my daughter was concerned about her friend too.  She didn't have skates and didn't know how to skate (that's a big deal in Canada) and didn't have a bike and didn't know how to ride one and my daughter said the only thing her friend could do was hang around the neighbourhood and they sometimes did bad things because they were bored.  It was an easy thing to solve because my daughter is physically big and her friend is small so we gave her my daughter's outgrown sports equipment and always tried to include her in our outings and she now knows how to skate and bike ride :).   

  

The key though was that I respected my daughter enough to ask her about the situation and we came up with an answer together.  We even planned how to be discreet to make it easy for her friend and her mom to accept.  Instead of it being a dispute beween us it became a joint project that we worked together and my daughter learned that I'm an ally not an enemy. 

That is an awesome story! That is perfect! Not only did it make your daughter and you closer but you helped another teen who needed help. You know "idle hands" and all.

I love to hear stories like this of mothers who are 'ahead' of me because frankly, as sad as this is, my mother is not a good model of what a mother should be. I love her dearly, but she is very old fashioned and much much much older then me (she is 60) and we cannot relate. She is subserviant and when I DO ask for mothering advice from her it basically comes down to..."Ask your husband, he knows best..." LOL!


 
May 11, 2006, 12:45 pm CDT

Yes it is Dr. Phil !!!

Dr. Phil.....WOW...didn't think you could be THIS off the mark.  Obsessively terrified that your husband or boyfriend is cheating on you isn't about OCD.  And in answer to your question...if she found out that he was cheating it really WOULD be the end of her world.  In answer to your question...if she found him cheating she would crumble (she wouldn't spontaneously DIE..but she'd want to...even thinking of suicide).  He's her world....she ceases to exist if he withdraws his love or cheats.  This isn't repetetitive handwashing or checking the locks on the house....this is abject terror of losing the love of the only person that matters in the world (more than yourself).  I write this because I AM CHRISTIE...I've been her...I've done what she does..and then some.  It's a pain like I can't describe.  Adding to it is the humiliation you feel ...the loss of esteem you feel in the eyes of the only person who mattters in your world.  I don't think finding a hobby or a distraction is what it's about...it's understanding why she has so little self-worth...why she feels she will die if he leaves.  If this guy leaves Christie it won't end...she WILL stalk him. 
 
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