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Topic : 07/19 Mind Your Business

Number of Replies: 273
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Created on : Friday, May 05, 2006, 07:03:49 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 05/11/06) They go through your wallet, they trace your phone calls, they even get in their car to follow your every move. They’re meddlesome, nosy people who love to snoop! Dr. Phil’s guests are fed up with loved ones who can't seem to stay out of their business. Carla, 31, says she's tired of her mother, Pamela, tracking her every move, day and night. Pamela says having a house right behind her daughter makes keeping an eye on her easy. She even cut down Carla's hedges so she could see better! Does this backyard buttinsky know best, or does she need to stay on her side of the fence? Then, Christie is so obsessed with snooping on her husband, Shannon, that she reads his e-mails, checks his phone messages and even smells his clothes just to make sure he's not cheating on her. Shannon says he has no privacy and is contemplating leaving his wife. What's behind Christie's constant snooping and interrogations? Plus, a mom who says as long as her children live under her roof, she has the right to eavesdrop on their phone calls, read their diaries, and even search through their clothes while they're sleeping! Is she crossing the line? Share your thoughts here.

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May 11, 2006, 12:47 pm CDT

05/11 Mind Your Business

Quote From: lioness901

Does this mother have nothing better to do then stalk these people? Does she not have her own life? They have a life. Get one of your own. And trimming down there bushes is just gay. If they want em trimmed im sure they can do it on there own. There ADULTS not children. So mind ya own buissness and get your own life.
Exactly. I love my daughter dearly and her and I have a long road ahead as she is only 2, but once she is out on her own I have PLENTY of things on my plate that I want to do!

I think women who end up this way are women who let themselves be defined by their kids and husbands. They have not personal 'definition'....
 
May 11, 2006, 12:53 pm CDT

It would only take one time

If my mother tried to report me to the government, I can promise you that my boundary line would be SO DARNED thick, I would live all the way across the other side of the WORLD! 

  

On the other hand, the mother of the teenagers is a good mother. I have people look at me funny when I say that parents need to ask their teen's dates QUESTIONS and GUIDE them in the dating process. Oftentimes, I think we would ask MORE QUESTIONS about an employee we would hire for our business than we ask about their dates and friends that they hang out with. 

  

It is MY business when I am investing 18 years into my kids to KNOW who they are associating with and it is MY business to ask questions to any of their prospective dates and friends. They could lie but, I also know enough about body language to better guide me in discerning whether they are telling me the truth or not. How many parents really ask dates "What is your parent's relationship or marriage like? What would you do differently? What is your favorite radio station? T.V show? Do you smoke? Do drugs? Have you ever? Looked at porno? How often?? 

  

Trust me, if someone were to be hired onto the Homeland Security, we would ask the same thing if not more? Why would I settle to ask for less when it involves someone I invested all my time and love in, they are taking first place in the family. 

 
May 11, 2006, 12:55 pm CDT

meddling mother in law

both myself and my ex husband are going thru something similar with his mother .. she has always meddled, snooped and had an opinion on everything we do... especially when it comes to our daughter ... she has even tried to have the phone company come in and install a second line in my house cos she couldn't reach me on my house phone recently -- this then lead the the usual threats of taking us to court for grandparents rights and calling us unfit parents... so i totally understand what the daughter is going thru with her mother.... 

 
May 11, 2006, 1:00 pm CDT

Re: Christie and Shannon

Well, Dr. Phil said to write, so here I'm writing...  

  

In the case of Christie and Shannon; what I'd like to know is whether or not Shannon EVER gave Christie a reason not to trust him.  You see, people just don't go about this snooping business without having had a valid reason to do so; i.e., was he ever unfaithful to her in the past?  Is he openly flirtatious with other women, etc.?  For Dr. Phil to decree that Christie has an "anxiety disorder" without having even addressed this pertinent question is, in my opinion, WRONGO!  I've been in this very position in the past, because of infidelity I had to endure in my own marriage years ago, and I completely empathize with Christie.  Instead of threatening to leave her because she's cramping his "privacy" ~~ remember Dr. Phil's words, "if you have nothing to hide, you hide NOTHING" ~~ Shannon should put forth his BEST EFFORT to reassure Christie that he IS faithful, that he DOES love her and that he would NEVER deliberately set out to do anything that would hurt or compromise his relationship with her...SIMPLE!   It's so ironic that we have no difficulty betrothing these "promises" to each other at the altar, yet  hard to hold up to these very standards throughout the marriage.  

  

OXO
Lucy
  

 
May 11, 2006, 1:03 pm CDT

Disagree with Dr. Phil on this

 We are the authors of our own worlds - if your kids are untrustworthy, who's the parent causing it?  If I have a life where people are ignoring me, I'm causing that world - to the degree we can get we're responsible for our worlds gives some freedome to create something else.  I have a fantastic daughter who I have always listened as great - and she is great!  She was not interacted with as someone broken who had to be fixed but rather a complete human being who could, with parents who 'be' that she is great and able, can find her own greatness. Which she has! My coaching to pamela is look at what you're world is causing and cause something else - a world where people are trusting and trusted.
 
May 11, 2006, 1:07 pm CDT

Makes me grateful . . .

. . . . that I have such a wonderful mother.  I never had any trouble forging a relationship with her as an adult - she has a life of her own, and doesn't need to live mine.  I get to do that, and the respect she shows me encourages me to share part of my life with her.  We talk on the phone at least once a week, and get together for special time that's reserved for the two of us (not just family holidays).  She still worries about me, and if I'm leaving her house late at night she does like me to call and let her know I got home safely, but she doesn't intrude into my life.  She had the wisdom to realize that while she will always be my mom, an important part of parenting is letting the kid take the reins once they've become an adult and letting them make their own mistakes.    

  

  

 
May 11, 2006, 1:23 pm CDT

Props to my own mother

I'm about 16 years old, and I just want to tell you that my mom and I have the best relationship! I'm sure she's nosey. She questions me with the normal parental questions like, "where are you going to be at what time?" "Who's going to be there?" "Any drinking or drugs going to be there?" And I LOVE how she cares enough to ask me these questions. A lot of teenagers in my high school don't even have to ask their parents to do anything! Come on, parents get a grip! I'm sure my mom looks, but she doesn't snoop. I just want to give you people on here a teenagers prostpective! I'm a very strong christian, and I have no father (he walked out on my mom), but there is nobody in this world that I don't trust more than my mom. She knows everything, I come home, and I talk to her about my day. Even if she has a million things to do, she still listens. She is at every one of my games, school events, and church activities to cheer/support me. Now that's what teenagers need these days, attention! Don't get my wrong, she doesn't know everything, and she knows that, but that's the trust her and I have built over these few years. BUT she knows, if she asks me a questions, she's going to get a truthful answer no doubt.   

   

Look, it's not that we don't like you guys asking us simple questions, but don't be overly nosey, or think it's funny. Ask questions for a reason, not to just ask them because you have to play the parent role.  

 
May 11, 2006, 1:25 pm CDT

MYOB

This show was so on oint.  My ex-girlfriend and I have been going through the exact same thing for the entire 4 years of our relationship.  she feel that it is ok for her to go out and see other men, sleep over at their house (not withstanding that we have a one year old), and throw it all up in my face like everything should be everything.  Well I have finally had it with her and asked her to leave.  she refused so i went to court to have her evicted.  She still wants to argue as we count down the days until her departure, and she still says that her "friends" will be there for her, but she also still asks me for the things that she needs, including to pay a deposit for her on her place.  I give her a look and asks her,"What happened to your "friends' that are so there for you"?  then i end it with the statement of "that is what got Nicole brown simpson killed, her "friends".
 
May 11, 2006, 1:26 pm CDT

I saw myself in Christie

It really opened my eyes this afternoon to see Christie snooping through her husband's things. 

I can't even remember when I started, and I dont know how long I've been doing it, but I do it too.  Only thing is, its my boyfriend not my husband, and we've been living together for just over 1 year now. 

I pretty much just snoop through his MSN history. one day when I checked I found a conversation he'd had with his EX-GF the day before.   the conversation was one that he definitely shouldn't have had.  Complete with "I only have 20 minutes", "lets keep this between us", etc...  I completely fell apart when I read it.  I confronted him again and he admitted to it, but said he wasn't thinking and it didn't have "feelings" to it.   We made it through, but deep down I can't help but wonder if he'll do it again.  He says he won't because he saw how much he hurt me.

I check his MSN history every morning when he leaves for work/school, and I check his email all the time.  I don't WANT to, but I feel compelled to.  He knows I do it, and he seems to have no problem with it.  however, Watching today's show, I know I need to stop.

I tell myself regularly that if he does anything else, it won't be the end of my life. Sometimes I even say, "maybe I just have to accept that guys are like that, and its something I have to live with"

Does anyone have any advice for me?  I don't want to snoop, but I can't help it knowing he's done soomething in the past.   How do I try to forget and move on?
 
May 11, 2006, 1:30 pm CDT

another christie here!!!

Quote From: donna2236

As I watch the story of Christie obsessively snooping on husband I feel sick to my stomach.  I did this to two different men I was engaged to.  Needless to say, I lost both men.  I did all the same things Christie does...and even would stalk them (follow them) to make sure they weren't with someone else.  Can't tell you how painful it was.  I was beyond obsessed...consumed every minute of the day with checking and snooping on them to make sure they weren't cheating on me.  It's the worst feeling in the world...I wanted to kill myself. I have made the decision to not even date anymore because I can't control it.  These guys didn't understand why I was so afraid...I was a state beauty queen...had my own career...was super athletic...and when not obsessing about them...everyone told me how funny I was (I've written comedy sketches for stage performers).  It didn't matter...I was convinced that they were just with me until someone better came along.  I just don't think I could ever change.  It's horrible.

     I completely understand what Christie is going through.  My now husband had cheated on me with another woman (older woman) for 4 months while we were dating.  And it absolutely crushed me and left me with the "NEED" to constantly snoop.  As I snooped I kept hearing Dr. Phil in my head saying "People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing."  I found that every single thing christie listed were things that I did...going through phone bills, credit card statements, bank statements, wallets, pockets, the car, calling places to see if he's there, etc.  I felt like I was never going to trust him again and snooping was something I "HAD TO DO". And when Dr. Phil explained to Christie how the snooping is like a drug fix, and there's that temporary high she gets from not finding something I sat here and cried because that made so much sense to me.  That truly is why I did what I did.  After 2 years of snooping and not finding anything to worry me, I have to say that I have cut back alot, but there are still plenty of things that I do check all the time.  I  wonder if I will ever be able to completely stop.  I know my husband hates it, but at the same time I think, "well you put me in this position".  

     The only thing I have a hard time seeing eye-to-eye with Dr. Phil on is when he seemed to act like Christe would be fine if her husband did have an affair and left her.  And maybe over time, A LONG TIME, she would be fine...but from experience I know that it is one of the most difficult things I've ever had to get over in my life.  I can say that now 2 years later I am fine and my husband and I have really moved forward, but I will never be the same trusting person I was before because of that experience.  

     So, I just want to say thank you Christie and thank you Dr. Phil for showing me that I am not the only person out there with this problem, and that I can get help for it.  Dr. Phil, if you have any other suggestions for me, I would REALLY love to hear them!!  Thank you again!!  

-Melissa  

 
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