Message Boards

Topic : 05/12 Toxic Relationships

Number of Replies: 410
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, May 05, 2006, 07:05:23 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Do you know someone who turns your stomach or makes you cringe the minute they walk into the room? If so, Dr. Phil has advice for managing toxic relationships. Janet left her husband, Mark, on 10 separate occasions in their first year of marriage. She says she’s tired of being his maid and concubine, and of putting up with his lying, and his selfish and unsympathetic ways. Mark thinks Janet needs to get over her deep-seated issues. Why does she keep tolerating his behavior, and is he the only one at fault? Then, Gay and MG say their lives are being torn apart by their daughter, Summer’s, hostility and abuse. They say she lies about illnesses, verbally attacks them and blames them for her chaotic lifestyle. Summer feels betrayed by her parents and even accuses them of taking away her child. Find out Gay’s ultimatum to Summer and share your thoughts here.

Find out what happened on the show.

More May 2006 Show Boards.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

May 12, 2006, 6:27 am CDT

This is so wrong!

Quote From: benjione

  I have been remarried for almost two years now and have experienced a whole lot of emotionally draining issues with my spouse.  He is very stubborn and whenever we argue, I find that I am the one ending up saying I'm sorry and that he is right for feeling the way he does.  I have a nine year old son from a previous marriage who is a great kid and loves his new home and step dad.  He is your typical kid who you have to constantly repeat things two to three times and he fibs about little things once in a while.  He is great in school and is full of life.  My husband however, feels that he doesn't listen and his head is in the clouds most of the time.  In the past he has called him dumb and stupid and I told him repeatedly that his is not right to call him names is destructive to his self esteem!  He said if that is what he is then that is what he is!  I completely disagree.  I asked if he really cares about him and he said of course he does.  He cares that he is a good boy and listens and wants a good future for him.  He doesn't seem to understand that his behavior is pushing our son away instead of closer.  We have a 15 month child together and the most recent incident was when he fell in the yard and got hurt while our oldest was playing with him.  My husband was in the backyard working while this all happened and said that Chris left kyle to get a toy and didn't tell him.  The result was Kyle got hurt and Chris was sent to his room for one week!  I thought that the punishment was too harsh and that Chris new that he did wrong by leaving his brother alone.  My husband did not talk to me before he decided on the punishment and said he did not want to speak with Chris or see him when he gets home from work.  We had an evening science fair two days later and he refused to give him permission to go even though it meant getting a lower grade in school.  I could not stand to see that happen and took Chris to his science fair.  My husband was furious and said I created the problem and because of that he will continue to not speak to our son. It is now a week and a half and that little boy says hello and good morning with no response from his step dad.  HELP!!!!  

  

 The other draining issue is that one year ago My husband and I had a huge argument with my family, mainly about him and our relationship has been severed.  Chris, our son, was practically raised by my parents and now does not get to see them.  I have begged my  husband to mend the relationship and he refuses.  He says that I am free to see my parents but if I do I could pack my bags with Chris and Kyle stays with him.  How could I do that???  I could not see my kids torn apart.  I think of parents who are in there 70's everyday and pray that something will give.  They want to put the past behind but my husband refuses and will not have anything to do with them.  He said they are not allowed to contact us or visit our home.  I was so close to my parents, it's like someone ripped half my heart out. My parents say that I need to open my eyes for my sake and Chris's who is at  such an impressionable age and misses his grandparents.   I tell my husband carefully  how I feel in fear if my Dad or Mom dies I couldn't live without having peace.  He argues that I don't stand by him and back him up like I should and that is  the chance I will take - but I hope you will not resent me for it.    

  

If you truly love someone...wouldn't you want to make them happy?????  

This man has issues.  And yes, He IS controlling!  He has no right to impose punishment on Chris; That's YOUR job!  He has no right to insist that you have no relationship with your family, threatening to take away your baby if you do!  That's blackmail! He is spiteful, punitive, inflexible and cruel.  Go for counselling (I'm sure he'll refuse as he is not the one with problems) but you go, get strong and protect Chris and Kyle from this man.  He has NO right, NONE, to call your child names.  He will destroy this boy with his BS and be assured that Kyle will suffer the same fate.  Go get help and tell him to shove his "any enemy of mine is yours too" philosophy where the sun don't shine and don't let him bully you or your children!  Good luck!
 
May 12, 2006, 6:31 am CDT

toxic relationships

Quote From: janelles13

If you truly love someone...wouldn't you want to make them happy?????   

  

It doesn't sound like your husband is concerned with anyone's happiness.  Only controlling you and your child.   

you are being abaused by your husband who is controlling you.   Your son will be badly damaged by a grown up ignoring him for so long.  you need to go and take both kids with you really I am not joking this is so wrong.  My son is 9 as well and his head is in the clouds and all he thinks about is Pokemon - he's 9 godammit - that's his childhood.  You have to put your children first especially when marrried to someone who is quite obviously a bully.  Mend the rift with your parents too how dare your husband tell you who you can and can't see, how dare he bully your little boy like this.  Get away from him asap before you lose all your confidence and before he damages your children any further. 

By the way it is not a 9 year old's job to babysit I think like if you got a babysitter in they would have to be a certain age like over 9 years old! 

 
May 12, 2006, 6:44 am CDT

05/12 Toxic Relationships

Quote From: benjione

  My husband says that he is not controlling because he doesn't tell me what to do, where I can go, or how I am spending our money (which I control.)  I tried by being the better person today by asking him to put this behind us and asked him to do the same and once again he has said that he did not do anything wrong...but I did EVERYTHING wrong with the situation with our son Chris.   

  

How  can I punish a boy for one week in his room for his little brother falling and hurting himself.  He feels bad enough that his brother got hurt!   

  

Are all the red flags being waived and am I in denial of seeing that??? PLEASE RESPOND! 

  

It sounds to me like he is isolating you from loved one, 

your family and now trying to do that with your child! 

  

That is Abuse, one of their tactics, to make you feel like 

they are the only one you have. You will always have them 

and need them always.  

  

I am betting that if you read some signs of abuse, you would 

find that there are more. Just because he is not hitting 

you doesn't mean he isn't hurting you....right? 

  

I know exactly how you feel and I am going through the same 

thing right now. The only fights we have are about my daughter 

from a previous marriage. Doesn't matter what his son has done 

he is 20 and been in jail 4 times. Not to mention DT before that! 

  

Punishing that boy for a week?!? Not letting him go to a school 

function that affects his grade? All of that is extreme and wrong IMO! 

I know it is hard, but I think that most men don't start out beating 

their loved ones. Abuse is subtle and it is damaging. 

  

See my daughter was in a rollover accident and luckily they were all 

OK, but I was so concerned about it. Well my H wanted to ground her 

for a month. I said that was ridiculous and she was shook up enough. 

He thinks I should back him up on his behavior. He says he does that 

with me. I say, yeah, but I don't treat your son the way you treat mine  

daughter and I don't think you are right!  

  

He thinks he is fair and I think he is abusive and mean. I want to go to  

counseling and he thinks I have the problems. I do have problems 

I need to deal with, but he does too! I am ready to leave him. We have 

both of the kids living with us and we have two younger ones as well. 

He will do anything for his son and kick my daughter out for  

anything too.  

  

Get some support and read some sights on line or books about verbal  

abuse and any kind of abuse. Get some help for you, make yourself 

strong and be there for your kids.  Good luck!! 

  

  

  

  

They seem to have a way of making us feel like we are not really 

dealing with a full deck, at least me. It is just their way of gaining 

control of us 

 
May 12, 2006, 6:49 am CDT

Toxic Relationships

The problem with these relationships is that they insidiously sneak up on you.  I don't think anyone suddenly wakes up one morning saying "AHA!  I think I will enter into a toxic relationship!"   

  

I've had friends who seemed perfectly fine in the beginning and then "inch-by-inch" the friendship becomes lop-sided and toxic.  Some people (me included)  seem to be a "draw" because we listen, help, and then eventually enable. 

  

I had a friend who originally was sweet, attractive, and charming but she started "stalking" a guy and drawing me into all the drama.  She was doing some truly bizarre and psychotic things.   I won't go into the detail (I could write a book), but I thought that by listening to her pain, I was at least providing her with a "steam-vent" so she wouldn't do anything more drastic (like trying to burn his house down  - the only thing that stopped her, she said, is that she didn't want his pets to die in the fire).  I told her one time that I might need to someday testify against her in court.   Maybe I was an enabler.  I don't know.  But I just felt so "sucked in" by her emotions.  Why I never informed him about the extent of her actions, I don't know.  I guess I was hoping that the situation would eventually calm down.  (Which it did when they finally went off to their seperate corners.) 

  

It's easier to get into a toxic situation than to get out of it.   I do know that the more distance you put between yourself and these relationships, the better.  It does take courage to extract yourself.  As Dr. Phil says, we teach people how to treat us.  So maybe the answer is not give the toxic person the opportunity to treat us any way at all.    

  

  

 
May 12, 2006, 7:06 am CDT

I really feel for summer

 I can understand Summer's frustration with her parents.  Am I the only one who understands her parents did raise her and did help her get to the point she is today?!  She is a 29 year old woman now but who raised that woman to the person she is today?  The same parents blaiming her for all her bad choices.  Dr. Phill asked why they are so involved with one another if its so toxic?  HELLO,  These people have her son.  If they were not so closely involved Summer would be blamed for not caring about her son.  I just want to say I can see Summer's side of things and hope she can get to a better place and have her son full time.  Then Summer will know her son won't be raised by the same parents who raised her and helped her get to where she is. 
 
May 12, 2006, 7:11 am CDT

05/12 Toxic Relationships

Quote From: benjione

  My husband says that he is not controlling because he doesn't tell me what to do, where I can go, or how I am spending our money (which I control.)  I tried by being the better person today by asking him to put this behind us and asked him to do the same and once again he has said that he did not do anything wrong...but I did EVERYTHING wrong with the situation with our son Chris.   

  

How  can I punish a boy for one week in his room for his little brother falling and hurting himself.  He feels bad enough that his brother got hurt!   

  

Are all the red flags being waived and am I in denial of seeing that??? PLEASE RESPOND! 

  

                     It sounds like your husband is controlling and abusive. I'm on the verge of tears right now because a specific aspect of your story hits home.. I married a great man he has been raising my son for  a few years . I understand when you say your child loves his step dad very much my son glows when my husband comes home.And i am so happy for that.  

                      

                     I can imagine how you must feel when your husband rejects your son. I feel very sad for your son that your husband doesn't seem to treat him well. You need to tell this man it isn't okay to emotionally abuse your son, emotional abuse will not make him be a good person in the future! Emotional abuse will destroy his self-esteem and could potentially make him become an abuser himself. 

  

                    Your son should not be held responsible for your youngest child! Maybe your husband would be willing to get HELP!  DON'T allow him to do this to your son. 

 
May 12, 2006, 7:17 am CDT

Controlling

Quote From: janelles13

If you truly love someone...wouldn't you want to make them happy?????   

  

It doesn't sound like your husband is concerned with anyone's happiness.  Only controlling you and your child.   

There's that word controlling again. It's always used when speaking toward the man. ( O.K. not always, but most of the time ) I have found that these kind of women seek out men that can take care of things and be in control of certain things and then turn around and call him controlling later in the marriage. They weren't worried about his controlling ways when he was taking care of business for them and theirs. But, now that things are smoothed out a little they want him to be considerate and caring and even cry every once in a while. You can't have it both ways. You want your cake and to eat it too. Let's face it there are not too many men out there like DR. Phil. We don't even know how DR. Phil really is in private. But I am sure their home life was better than most. 

 

Ladies you need to be more careful in your selection as to which horse you attach your cart too. It is you the woman who will have to adapt your life to fit around his. Not the opposite. That is reality. It may not be " fair ". Look at  Dr. Phils wife. She is Mrs. Phil Mcgraw,  he is not Mr.(her 1st and last name) That is natural. I know most of you women don't like it, but you would be better off if you would just face the facts and plan your life accordingly. Instead of trying to mold your man into this person he will never be. 

 
May 12, 2006, 7:21 am CDT

Toxic Relationships

Quote From: puttycat

This is not a good relationship.  You're being demonized by your BF's x-wife and child, assaulted, harassed and made to feel like you are at the root of this problem.  You are NOT!  This relationship has so many issues that I seriously think you are wasting your time IMO.  Cut your losses and move on.  The very fact that the BF is not supportive and still dances to the ex's tune is a sure sign that this is not likely to change.  You deserve better and you deserve a man who will make you his priority.  He has left you twisting in the wind.  You will be happier alone than living in this mess.  Good luck!

I agree.  Dr. Phil once said he'd rather be in a tent poor and happy than in a mansion miserable.  I'm paraphrasing, but it was something like that.   

  

You can be in a relationship and still be very alone.  And to have all that turmoil and emotional baggage on top of it?  Not worth it.   

 
May 12, 2006, 7:27 am CDT

My Toxic Relationship is Killing Me

 My spouse has become a toxic person in my life.  We have been together for almost 4 years, 2 married.  3 months after getting married, I fell into such a deep depression, that I had to begin to take anti- depressants, and I have been seeing a counselor for a year.

In our living situation, he would have to be the one to leave, but I truley believe he wouldn't if I asked.  How is my relationship killing me?  His controlling, critical and even spiteful behavior has me feeling like I am completely trapped in this situation.

I have brought this topic up, his behavior and the effects it has on me, repeatedly over the last year, his answer is always the same.  "I am sorry, and I will try to do better."

There is no doubt that we honestly have a deep love for each other.  He just really dosen't see the depths of my depression is so often reactionary to his behavior.  He thinks is is just trying to help when he constantly corrects every little detail he sees as being incorrect.  He isn't often right in his corrections. When I defend myself, sometimes even the dictionary comes into play, he thinks he can just say, "Opps, sorry, I was wrong, never mind."  He dosen't realize the energy he is sapping out of me, over a rediculous confrontation in the first place.

I have not know true or pure joy, for more than a year.  The anti depressants, are helping.... they are helping me to see that my personal issues, are NOT all in my head.  I am just getting too tired, to deal with it any more. 

This is basis, for my handle... I am certianly hopelss, and in 12 days, I will turn 40.




 
May 12, 2006, 7:27 am CDT

annoying

Am I the only one that thinks this lady is annoying?  I think that she has more to do with the stress than she thinks and I feel like the husband did not get  a chance to argue his point.  The wife boo hooed the whole time about nothing.  I believe they both were contributing to there problemed marriage.
 
First | Prev | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | Next | Last