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Topic : 05/12 Toxic Relationships

Number of Replies: 410
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Created on : Friday, May 05, 2006, 07:05:23 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Do you know someone who turns your stomach or makes you cringe the minute they walk into the room? If so, Dr. Phil has advice for managing toxic relationships. Janet left her husband, Mark, on 10 separate occasions in their first year of marriage. She says she’s tired of being his maid and concubine, and of putting up with his lying, and his selfish and unsympathetic ways. Mark thinks Janet needs to get over her deep-seated issues. Why does she keep tolerating his behavior, and is he the only one at fault? Then, Gay and MG say their lives are being torn apart by their daughter, Summer’s, hostility and abuse. They say she lies about illnesses, verbally attacks them and blames them for her chaotic lifestyle. Summer feels betrayed by her parents and even accuses them of taking away her child. Find out Gay’s ultimatum to Summer and share your thoughts here.

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May 12, 2006, 7:28 am CDT

You Are Under No Obligation

Quote From: zakksmomm

When I was married I was in a toxic relationship. Every day I felt like I was walking on eggshells with my ex and his family. Now, he passed away as did his mom recently. His brother calls and is afraid I would hate him. Nobody really talks to him he said. Well, we have to treat people well. People avoid him cause if we say something he does not like, he hollers. Don't EVEN discuss politics with this man.
You are under NO obligation to maintain relationships with people like this.  Limit your contact to the very minimum and do NOT respond to his tirades and hollering.  Tell him you'll only speak to him when he uses his "INSIDE VOICE" then hang up on him.
 
May 12, 2006, 7:31 am CDT

05/12 Toxic Relationships

Could this guy be on drugs?  My husband and I were married for 28 years and then he retired from a job that did drug testing.  Now that he doesn't have to worry about losing his job he is doing drugs again and because of the marijuana he doesn't care about anything.  He has withdrawn from me and now works 2-3 part time jobs just not to have any interaction with me. 
 
May 12, 2006, 7:38 am CDT

Ooooooh! Scary!

Quote From: rj6482

There's that word controlling again. It's always used when speaking toward the man. ( O.K. not always, but most of the time ) I have found that these kind of women seek out men that can take care of things and be in control of certain things and then turn around and call him controlling later in the marriage. They weren't worried about his controlling ways when he was taking care of business for them and theirs. But, now that things are smoothed out a little they want him to be considerate and caring and even cry every once in a while. You can't have it both ways. You want your cake and to eat it too. Let's face it there are not too many men out there like DR. Phil. We don't even know how DR. Phil really is in private. But I am sure their home life was better than most. 

 

Ladies you need to be more careful in your selection as to which horse you attach your cart too. It is you the woman who will have to adapt your life to fit around his. Not the opposite. That is reality. It may not be " fair ". Look at  Dr. Phils wife. She is Mrs. Phil Mcgraw,  he is not Mr.(her 1st and last name) That is natural. I know most of you women don't like it, but you would be better off if you would just face the facts and plan your life accordingly. Instead of trying to mold your man into this person he will never be. 

Your argument isn't very strong. From the tone of your post, I'm guessing you are a guy.  I suggest you reread this person's original post and address her specific situation and concerns.  In this particular case, hubby IS controlling and punitive.  He's way out of line and terribly misguided.  The fact that he is a man is secondary to the issue.  Women can be equally controlling!  This is not a gender bias nor is this a male-slamming board.  It is a toxic relationship board and your post serves no purpose but to muddy the waters.  This woman needs advise and she's open to receiving it.  If you have nothing to offer, go someplace else! 

  

BTW, you start out pretty tame, but I'm almost certain you were on another one of Dr. Phil's boards (Wife Styles - Grant and Karen?) where you bombarded the board with your misogynistic rants because you'd been hurt by women in the past.  Remember, YOU CHOSE to have relationships with your vampires. 

 
May 12, 2006, 7:42 am CDT

my own toxic world

This is just a comment, to no one or to anyone that reads this, if I can even get started. I remarried 6 years ago to a man that I dated for 8 years. Nearly the whole time we dated, I had red flags going off left and right, which I completely ignored. Now I am in an even worse situation than I ever have been in my entire life. I am 54 years old. I married at 19 to my boyfriend only because I was 5 months pregnant at that time. I felt embarrased, but grateful that he finally married me. Even before our son was born, he began to control me. It wasn't all at once, it started small and continued to grow until I was almost completely cut off from my entire family and I only had a few friends. He controlled my wardrobe, my activities, everything. His alcohol use grew and so did the verbal abuse, which then led to physical abuse. Over the years, the good times got smaller and smaller and we eventually had 3 children together. The controlling had gotten to the point that I could not stand it any more. When I began to think that the only relief from this situation was to end it all, I realized I had to get out. I could not leave my children in a position without me, to finish growing up. I'm sorry if I mispell anything and you can't understand what I'm saying, I'm crying as I sit here, and I can't hardly read what I'm saying. Anyway, I had to go to counselling for about 3 months to be able to have the strength to leave him. After 20 years of marriage, I filed for divorce. He responded by taking the children as "hostage" and not allowing me to see them, his reaction was just as explosive as I had feared, but I did get through it. He even had to serve almost 2 years in jail for violating an order of protection. Upon his release, I had a 12 ft. chain link fence installed around my house, I was that in fear of him. He had even called me from jail and made threats to me like,"how can you lay down and sleep when you don't know...."   

     After about 1 1/2 years after the divorce I began to date Richard, he told me he was separated, but not divorced. He was very jealous of me, and I never knew when or what to expect from him. To make a long story short, I broke up with him twice, and each time he left here and when back up north (where he is from). The last time after I repeatedly refused to talk to him, he tried to commit suicide. I think now that it was a trick to make me feel guilty enough to take him back. And I did. He asked me to marry him, I agreed. I thought he would back out (then I would be right). But I married him anyway, in spite of the red flag. Two years down the road and his son (my stepson) dies in a car crash, and we pick up his visitation with his daughters (ages 11 and 5). This past Dec.,(2005), their mother asks us to care for them "til she can get her life straightened out". Easter Sunday she dies, from a drug overdose, which leaves us as caretakers of these 2 little girls. The problem that I am having is that I don't feel that Richard is making any contribution to the maintainence of this household, he has been laid off for a year. The girls are receiving SS checks from their dad, and I am a full time nursing student and I work part-time at a local hospital. My house is paid for and so is my car, a '95. Every time we argue about the budget(, household expenses equal to about $220 a month, which is nearly all my income) he says,"I'll just take the girls and leave,". Honestly, I don't think I would care if he did leave, I know I can make it on my own, but I hate the thoughts of the youngest girl, she just turned 8 two days after her mother died, to have to lose another person in her life. The older girl doesn't love me like the little one does, and I don't think she would be affected at all. Am I wrong for the way I feel? I just can't think objectively anymore.  

   

 
May 12, 2006, 7:44 am CDT

Summer

Dr. Phil, I wanted to e-mail you, this is for Summer. Summer as I was seating here watching u talk on T.V. What I saw was a woman acting like a child!!!!!!!!!! Not one time did I hear u say I love my son and want whats better for him. You said your parents are part of the reason why u are the way u are, come on. You need to grow up. All I heard was about the car, then I heard that u gave Dr. Phil Producers grief because your hotel room was boring. To me you want everything giving to u. Summer, we all have ups and downs in life. But we have to move on and learn by our mis. But in your case, something has to happen to wake u up. Right now u do not deserve your son, and that is sad to me. I have  a son who wouldn't do what I told him to do and he did what ever he wanted to do and I told him he was going to get in trouble one day. He was 18 at the time. So I decided that I was going to move for a better life and he would not go with me, so Isaid either go or stay here. And he stayed and he changed his whole life around. He's married and Happy. Summer, what I'm trying to tell u is u can change your life. God will help u if u ask him. Don't you want your son and be happy. You need help and I've been there, I did drugs and drink but I turned my life around. Don't blame your parents, they want to help u. They didn't  bring u to show to make a fool of u, they want u to get help and Dr.Phil will help u. You made yourself  look like fool running out cause u knew in your heart they were right. And u couldn't face the truth. Summer, if you need a friend I'm there, I will help you but you have to help yourself first. Your son needs you. If u don't want him to know what your doing change it. Get another job, there r jobs out there better than what u r doing now. Summer, I have a twin sister who's daughter got killed in a car wreck Aug 18 of 2005, And all she say to me is she wants her baby back. And she's not coming back. You have a beauitful little boy who needs u now. My sister lost her 18 year old daughter and would give anything to have her back. Your son is alive and I know in my heart he wants you!!!!!!!!!! his mommie. So please Summer get your life together, if not for yourself, do for your son. I would love to meet u and talk to you and help u if I can. I don't beleive your a bad person, you just need help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!       
 
May 12, 2006, 7:45 am CDT

05/12 Toxic Relationships

Quote From: rj6482

There's that word controlling again. It's always used when speaking toward the man. ( O.K. not always, but most of the time ) I have found that these kind of women seek out men that can take care of things and be in control of certain things and then turn around and call him controlling later in the marriage. They weren't worried about his controlling ways when he was taking care of business for them and theirs. But, now that things are smoothed out a little they want him to be considerate and caring and even cry every once in a while. You can't have it both ways. You want your cake and to eat it too. Let's face it there are not too many men out there like DR. Phil. We don't even know how DR. Phil really is in private. But I am sure their home life was better than most. 

 

Ladies you need to be more careful in your selection as to which horse you attach your cart too. It is you the woman who will have to adapt your life to fit around his. Not the opposite. That is reality. It may not be " fair ". Look at  Dr. Phils wife. She is Mrs. Phil Mcgraw,  he is not Mr.(her 1st and last name) That is natural. I know most of you women don't like it, but you would be better off if you would just face the facts and plan your life accordingly. Instead of trying to mold your man into this person he will never be. 

 dear rj,   

     WHAT POST ARE YOU READING! Do you honestly think what this man is doing is acceptable? Do you really think she should except this kind of treatment? and allow her husband to treat her son badly?????? Do you think a man shows right away that they are controlling and ABUSIVE??????? I don't understand your POINT!  

 
May 12, 2006, 7:45 am CDT

Summer needs to grow up!

Quote From: ruby420

 I can understand Summer's frustration with her parents.  Am I the only one who understands her parents did raise her and did help her get to the point she is today?!  She is a 29 year old woman now but who raised that woman to the person she is today?  The same parents blaiming her for all her bad choices.  Dr. Phill asked why they are so involved with one another if its so toxic?  HELLO,  These people have her son.  If they were not so closely involved Summer would be blamed for not caring about her son.  I just want to say I can see Summer's side of things and hope she can get to a better place and have her son full time.  Then Summer will know her son won't be raised by the same parents who raised her and helped her get to where she is. 

Summer needs to get over herself.  People come from all sorts of families and they turn out okay.  There comes a point in one's life where one has to assume responsibility for one's choices.  I know phenomenal people who come from the most horrendous families and at some point they CHOSE to be happy and positive.  They learned from and dealt with their past and their pain. 

  

Her parent do not have her son, her ex does.  She is not fit (at the moment) to have him unsupervised.  She's pissed because she doesn't have a car.  So what! Get a bus pass, take a cab, ride a bike, walk, whatever!  Nothing, nothing would keep me from my kids.  Piss poor excuse for self pity. 

 
May 12, 2006, 7:51 am CDT

05/12 Toxic Relationships

Quote From: ruby420

 I can understand Summer's frustration with her parents.  Am I the only one who understands her parents did raise her and did help her get to the point she is today?!  She is a 29 year old woman now but who raised that woman to the person she is today?  The same parents blaiming her for all her bad choices.  Dr. Phill asked why they are so involved with one another if its so toxic?  HELLO,  These people have her son.  If they were not so closely involved Summer would be blamed for not caring about her son.  I just want to say I can see Summer's side of things and hope she can get to a better place and have her son full time.  Then Summer will know her son won't be raised by the same parents who raised her and helped her get to where she is. 
Hey, I have some advice DON'T GET MARRIED in the first place.
 
May 12, 2006, 7:57 am CDT

05/12 Toxic Relationships

Quote From: benjione

  I have been remarried for almost two years now and have experienced a whole lot of emotionally draining issues with my spouse.  He is very stubborn and whenever we argue, I find that I am the one ending up saying I'm sorry and that he is right for feeling the way he does.  I have a nine year old son from a previous marriage who is a great kid and loves his new home and step dad.  He is your typical kid who you have to constantly repeat things two to three times and he fibs about little things once in a while.  He is great in school and is full of life.  My husband however, feels that he doesn't listen and his head is in the clouds most of the time.  In the past he has called him dumb and stupid and I told him repeatedly that his is not right to call him names is destructive to his self esteem!  He said if that is what he is then that is what he is!  I completely disagree.  I asked if he really cares about him and he said of course he does.  He cares that he is a good boy and listens and wants a good future for him.  He doesn't seem to understand that his behavior is pushing our son away instead of closer.  We have a 15 month child together and the most recent incident was when he fell in the yard and got hurt while our oldest was playing with him.  My husband was in the backyard working while this all happened and said that Chris left kyle to get a toy and didn't tell him.  The result was Kyle got hurt and Chris was sent to his room for one week!  I thought that the punishment was too harsh and that Chris new that he did wrong by leaving his brother alone.  My husband did not talk to me before he decided on the punishment and said he did not want to speak with Chris or see him when he gets home from work.  We had an evening science fair two days later and he refused to give him permission to go even though it meant getting a lower grade in school.  I could not stand to see that happen and took Chris to his science fair.  My husband was furious and said I created the problem and because of that he will continue to not speak to our son. It is now a week and a half and that little boy says hello and good morning with no response from his step dad.  HELP!!!!  

  

 The other draining issue is that one year ago My husband and I had a huge argument with my family, mainly about him and our relationship has been severed.  Chris, our son, was practically raised by my parents and now does not get to see them.  I have begged my  husband to mend the relationship and he refuses.  He says that I am free to see my parents but if I do I could pack my bags with Chris and Kyle stays with him.  How could I do that???  I could not see my kids torn apart.  I think of parents who are in there 70's everyday and pray that something will give.  They want to put the past behind but my husband refuses and will not have anything to do with them.  He said they are not allowed to contact us or visit our home.  I was so close to my parents, it's like someone ripped half my heart out. My parents say that I need to open my eyes for my sake and Chris's who is at  such an impressionable age and misses his grandparents.   I tell my husband carefully  how I feel in fear if my Dad or Mom dies I couldn't live without having peace.  He argues that I don't stand by him and back him up like I should and that is  the chance I will take - but I hope you will not resent me for it.    

  

If you truly love someone...wouldn't you want to make them happy?????  

 You can answer your own question.   Your husbands behaviour is not loving. 

You know its not appropriate to punish a child by restricting access to school activities that affect grades.  You know it's not appropriate to ground a child for a week because he goes to get a toy and leaves his brother unsupervised for a few minutes.
You know it's not appropriate to call a child derogatory names

Your parents are right, you do need to open your eyes. Your husband has bad character.

That said , your husbands treatment of your son is probably partly biologically based.  Eliminating or reducing your irst  childs importance means his own needs and "his" babies needs get more.  On some level your husband sees his interests in competttion with your first child's.

It takes a man of good character to overcome that.  Your husband doesn't have it.
 
May 12, 2006, 7:59 am CDT

05/12 Toxic Relationships

Quote From: rj6482

There's that word controlling again. It's always used when speaking toward the man. ( O.K. not always, but most of the time ) I have found that these kind of women seek out men that can take care of things and be in control of certain things and then turn around and call him controlling later in the marriage. They weren't worried about his controlling ways when he was taking care of business for them and theirs. But, now that things are smoothed out a little they want him to be considerate and caring and even cry every once in a while. You can't have it both ways. You want your cake and to eat it too. Let's face it there are not too many men out there like DR. Phil. We don't even know how DR. Phil really is in private. But I am sure their home life was better than most. 

 

Ladies you need to be more careful in your selection as to which horse you attach your cart too. It is you the woman who will have to adapt your life to fit around his. Not the opposite. That is reality. It may not be " fair ". Look at  Dr. Phils wife. She is Mrs. Phil Mcgraw,  he is not Mr.(her 1st and last name) That is natural. I know most of you women don't like it, but you would be better off if you would just face the facts and plan your life accordingly. Instead of trying to mold your man into this person he will never be. 

Gee, you sound like a real prize.
 
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