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May 16, 2006, 11:24 am PDT
05/12 Toxic Relationships
Quote From: spacegirl5I know you must be thinking that you'll never find a job that allows you to set you own hours, make that kind of money, etc..... that the job makes certain things easier. I can promise you, that after being in it for 10 years and out for 3, that my life as a dancer was a lot more complicated. I can't tell you how many times I tried to quit drinking, doing drugs, smoking, and hanging out with the wrong people as a dancer and it just doesn't work that way. Trouble just keeps finding you. I made the choice to get out of the bar buisness altogether and took a retail job that I could at least tolerate, then got back into school and now am an honor student doing all kinds of community service work and setting an example, in general, as a leader (and it feels great, for once). I also, like you, stopped talking to my parents for about a year. I blamed them for everything and anything that had to do with me being in the situations I was in. They did a lot of things to me that were horribly abusive, physically, emotionally, etc. My dad was an abusive alcoholic and neither he nor my mom were never home. My dad worked 90 hour workweeks which ended him in the hospital and my mom did nothing but hound him and insult him and me day in and day out. I was an only child and started working when I was 15 years old because my dad made some really unwise business investments. We had very little to live on, and I worked from age 15 on to buy the extra things I wanted, and even certain things I needed. I was doing drugs way before I started dancing, but once I got into dancing at age 19, the drugs and alcohol got really really bad. I was drinking fifths of whatever I could get my hands on, slamming shot after shot, freebasing coke, snorting coke, doing meth..... pot seemed like a cigarette back then comapred to the other stuff. It takes so much to get out on the floor every night and just talk to those loser, perverted men with their miserable lives. I hated looking at their faces, and listening to their pathetic stories about how they thought cheating on their wife was ok, or all their stupid stories about their "hot girlfriends" (which those guys are of course way too nasty to get anyhow), or whatever other crap they choose to load on you. I got really sick of being those losers' therapist. It really emotionally and spiritually wears on you after awhile. No wonder I was always so depressed back then! Some of those customers are very insulting to you, and then they always want to touch you in places you don't want to be touched. Then you find that they won't pay you unless you let them do it, and if you won't do it (like me) then you end up making no money, while you watch every other girl in there who is being a total prostitute bank like crazy. So some nights, you go home with nothing. So then, the job really isn't all that great. Then, you have a night where a guy just treats you great and hands you $1000 and things are suddenly ok. It's not a reliable income. I made almost $100k one year and was in debt. I blew everything on drugs and alcohol. I wasn't the kind of stripper that bought material things, I wanted to go out and get wasted and buy the whole bar drinks. I'd have $500 bar tabs, where I'd tip $200. I thought, "oh, I'll just make it back tomorrow". Then, tomorrow never comes and you're too hung over to work anyhow, so you're back to square one. So, night after night goes by and you keep doing all this, thinking that after awhile, you'll get out and things will be ok. But what really happens is the whole scene of being a stripper becomes like a normal every day lifestyle. You get used to it, and think it's totally normal. It's not normal. It's anything BUT normal. It turns you into a different person. I remember always looking at myself in the mirror thinking, "oh my god, I hate my body! I wish I looked like this girl, or that girl, or could afford plastic surgery..... if I could just get out of this job, maybe these wrinkles would go away and I'd look and feel better... I should really do this or do that to get out...", etc, etc.. After awhile, you just start to develop a really twisted self-image, or, you can end up like I did at one time and totally not even know who you are or what you believe. The whole environment of the club and what remains in your subconscious from the club just screws everything in your head up.
I can understand you not wanting to put your kid around you while you're doing that job, especially being around the drugs and stuff (and I also knew of a lot of girls that did) but you really have to start having hope and start believing that there is a better world out there. I always knew it, I just didn't know how to go out there and get it. And then one day, I just made a choice to get out and I just never came back. That was it. I don't even talk to anybody I used to work with nor have even allowed myself to walk in a strip club since. I quit drinking and doing drugs, and am really happy with my life. I'll be getting my degree in about a year and a half and will have a great chance at a promising future. It really just involves choices, Summer. You're not a bad person. I just see someone who is really, really, confused, has obviously been really hurt by somebody or maybe many people at some point(s) in her life, and has her defenses up at all times to try to avoid getting hurt again. You just have to make a choice. I'm not trying to say it will be easy, but when you do make it (and I hope you do), your life will get so much better and I can promise you all the other things that seem so bad right now will start to iron themselves out little by little. It will take time, but right now, I think that's a really small sacrifice to make when you think about your son and his future. I can promise you your son wants you in his life and if you just start by taking the step of quitting that job, your oppotunities for a better life will start immediately. I really do hope the best for you because I was in your place and now, at 32, I can say I'm NOT going to be stuck as a 40 year old stripper, still drinking my liver into a state of cirrhosis or doing drugs, with wrinkles and sagging skin from the tanning bed, looking ten years older and feeling like I'm 80, or just dying, period, and not having a chance to have a positive impact on myself and other people.
Just something to think about. I was so glad to read your post. Its great to know that someone else out could see what I see. I am happy you got out of that. I to danced for almost 5 yrs. And have been out four almost 4. It seems like a different world doesn't it? My life has done a 180 since I stopped dancing. As did yours. It does change everything. You lose touch with your self and every one around you. I think if people talked to every dancer that got out they would see the same exact thing in each and every one. I think instead of everyone turning there back on Summer if just one person took the time to really care and look beyond everything. And help her get out they would see a totally different person. Good luck with your degree!!
Jen
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Do you know someone who turns your stomach or makes you cringe the minute they walk into the room? If so, Dr. Phil has advice for managing toxic relationships. Janet left her husband, Mark, on 10 separate occasions in their first year of marriage. She says she’s tired of being his maid and concubine, and of putting up with his lying, and his selfish and unsympathetic ways. Mark thinks Janet needs to get over her deep-seated issues. Why does she keep tolerating his behavior, and is he the only one at fault? Then, Gay and MG say their lives are being torn apart by their daughter, Summer’s, hostility and abuse. They say she lies about illnesses, verbally attacks them and blames them for her chaotic lifestyle. Summer feels betrayed by her parents and even accuses them of taking away her child. Find out Gay’s ultimatum to Summer and share your thoughts here.
