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Topic : 05/12 Toxic Relationships

Number of Replies: 410
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Created on : Friday, May 05, 2006, 07:05:23 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Do you know someone who turns your stomach or makes you cringe the minute they walk into the room? If so, Dr. Phil has advice for managing toxic relationships. Janet left her husband, Mark, on 10 separate occasions in their first year of marriage. She says she’s tired of being his maid and concubine, and of putting up with his lying, and his selfish and unsympathetic ways. Mark thinks Janet needs to get over her deep-seated issues. Why does she keep tolerating his behavior, and is he the only one at fault? Then, Gay and MG say their lives are being torn apart by their daughter, Summer’s, hostility and abuse. They say she lies about illnesses, verbally attacks them and blames them for her chaotic lifestyle. Summer feels betrayed by her parents and even accuses them of taking away her child. Find out Gay’s ultimatum to Summer and share your thoughts here.

Find out what happened on the show.

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May 12, 2006, 8:00 am CDT

A "toxic" friend...

About 6 months ago, I had to end a 10-year friendship with a person who I truly held dear to my heart; we were both each other's confidant, sounding board, shoulder to cry on, etc., however unknowingly, she had tried to sabotage my family during the two years prior and, once I found out the truth, I had to make this ultimate decision, sad as it was.  The importance of family and what little I have of one left me no choice.  Just thought I'd share... 

 

OXO
Lucy
 

 
May 12, 2006, 8:02 am CDT

There is something underlying here.

Quote From: ruby420

 I can understand Summer's frustration with her parents.  Am I the only one who understands her parents did raise her and did help her get to the point she is today?!  She is a 29 year old woman now but who raised that woman to the person she is today?  The same parents blaiming her for all her bad choices.  Dr. Phill asked why they are so involved with one another if its so toxic?  HELLO,  These people have her son.  If they were not so closely involved Summer would be blamed for not caring about her son.  I just want to say I can see Summer's side of things and hope she can get to a better place and have her son full time.  Then Summer will know her son won't be raised by the same parents who raised her and helped her get to where she is. 

I agree with you that there must be some underlying problem in this relationship. There is a lot of anger in this young women. And she seems to be nothing like her parents at all. I am surprised Dr. Phil did not offer Summer some help with her alcohol and drug addiction. Nothing can be done until she gets help. I was once like her and had a lot of anger. I also had a drinking problem. I have been sober for almost 3 years now and if you work a 12 step program honestly, issues begin to get resloved and you begin to find out why you were angry and why you drank. This is where Summer needs to start. There will be pain, but it is worth it. 

  

Her mother seems to be a little control freak if you read between the lines. I think her mother wants the child. Most grandparents spoil the child and that is not what this boy needs. He need his father and mother. 

 
May 12, 2006, 8:15 am CDT

05/12 Toxic Relationships

Quote From: curly_1

It sounds to me like he is isolating you from loved one, 

your family and now trying to do that with your child! 

  

That is Abuse, one of their tactics, to make you feel like 

they are the only one you have. You will always have them 

and need them always.  

  

I am betting that if you read some signs of abuse, you would 

find that there are more. Just because he is not hitting 

you doesn't mean he isn't hurting you....right? 

  

I know exactly how you feel and I am going through the same 

thing right now. The only fights we have are about my daughter 

from a previous marriage. Doesn't matter what his son has done 

he is 20 and been in jail 4 times. Not to mention DT before that! 

  

Punishing that boy for a week?!? Not letting him go to a school 

function that affects his grade? All of that is extreme and wrong IMO! 

I know it is hard, but I think that most men don't start out beating 

their loved ones. Abuse is subtle and it is damaging. 

  

See my daughter was in a rollover accident and luckily they were all 

OK, but I was so concerned about it. Well my H wanted to ground her 

for a month. I said that was ridiculous and she was shook up enough. 

He thinks I should back him up on his behavior. He says he does that 

with me. I say, yeah, but I don't treat your son the way you treat mine  

daughter and I don't think you are right!  

  

He thinks he is fair and I think he is abusive and mean. I want to go to  

counseling and he thinks I have the problems. I do have problems 

I need to deal with, but he does too! I am ready to leave him. We have 

both of the kids living with us and we have two younger ones as well. 

He will do anything for his son and kick my daughter out for  

anything too.  

  

Get some support and read some sights on line or books about verbal  

abuse and any kind of abuse. Get some help for you, make yourself 

strong and be there for your kids.  Good luck!! 

  

  

  

  

They seem to have a way of making us feel like we are not really 

dealing with a full deck, at least me. It is just their way of gaining 

control of us 

    curly,  

           your last paragraph struck a cord with me in my situation with my child and his father and fathers mother! 

 
May 12, 2006, 8:19 am CDT

Heeeeeeelllllllo

Quote From: ruby420

 I can understand Summer's frustration with her parents.  Am I the only one who understands her parents did raise her and did help her get to the point she is today?!  She is a 29 year old woman now but who raised that woman to the person she is today?  The same parents blaiming her for all her bad choices.  Dr. Phill asked why they are so involved with one another if its so toxic?  HELLO,  These people have her son.  If they were not so closely involved Summer would be blamed for not caring about her son.  I just want to say I can see Summer's side of things and hope she can get to a better place and have her son full time.  Then Summer will know her son won't be raised by the same parents who raised her and helped her get to where she is. 

Excuse me, but unless Summer's parents supplied her with the needle and syringe they didn't make her become a drug addict, nor did they make her dance topless to support her habit.  As far as her dad taking away her car, if it was in his name and she had an accident while she was drunk or high he would be liable for the damages.   

Summer doesn't need you to feel sorry for her, she is already doing that for herself. 

Summer is an adult and she has made VERY BAD choices in her life, but only she is to blame. At some point you have to be responsible for your own actions.    

Right now she isn't to raise puppies let alone a child, her little boy is better off right where he is. 

 
May 12, 2006, 8:27 am CDT

Needing out

I have been married for several years.  My husband and I are not close whatsoever.  When he comes home I cringe because I expect a fight to happen.  I no longer am in love with him, I've been hurt too much (emotionally).  He's called me foul names, as I've called him names too.  He's broken things around the house when he's been mad at me.  He blows up at me and I am constantly walking on eggshells around him.  He's very negative about life and he is constantly stressed out.  I have no support system, rather instead I have a judge who is constantly irritated with me.  I want out but am stuck since I have no money to move with.  I ultimately do love him, but I no longer like him.  I don't feel in love anymore.  What am I supposed to do with this situation?  Any advise?
 
May 12, 2006, 8:32 am CDT

Summer's side

Quote From: ruby420

 I can understand Summer's frustration with her parents.  Am I the only one who understands her parents did raise her and did help her get to the point she is today?!  She is a 29 year old woman now but who raised that woman to the person she is today?  The same parents blaiming her for all her bad choices.  Dr. Phill asked why they are so involved with one another if its so toxic?  HELLO,  These people have her son.  If they were not so closely involved Summer would be blamed for not caring about her son.  I just want to say I can see Summer's side of things and hope she can get to a better place and have her son full time.  Then Summer will know her son won't be raised by the same parents who raised her and helped her get to where she is. 

I have to admit that I did not see the entire segment on Summer.  However I was faced with the same problem as her... for years and years.  When I had my son, I suffered from complications during the childbirth.  Since that time, I have had serious health problems, which left me physically incapable to maintain employment,.  My husband, left me AND my son.  I heard Summer say "how selfish would I have been" if I kept him when she was incapable of taking care of him.  I found myself in the same position.  I asked my parents for help - thinking that we could be a "team".. instead I found myself with parents who turned their back on me.. and toke my son.  It led to years of confrontation and betrayal.  Their excuse, is that they felt their responsibility was to give my son a perfect life.  That I was unreasonable in my desire to be my son's mother - that due to the fact that I was "unwilling" to be a mother, I should just walk away.  The situation was ugly.  I would take him away from them.. they would come and take him from me.  Police would give him back to me (I still had full custody)... but they would come and take him back.  If he was with me, they would beg me to bring him to visit.  I'd give in... and find them refusing to give him back again.    

My heart couldn't turn that switch of motherhood off.  I wanted and needed my son in my life, it destroyed me for years that I lost my son, and my parents, simply because I needed their help.   When I finally had a diagnosis of my illness.. my parents simply apologized and wanted us to put the past behind us.  Then, and only then, did they "allow" me to see my son.  He was 15 then.  

My son and I have a wonderful relationship, but we both agree that our relationship is not that of a mother and son.  We lost that.. and will never get it back and it makes both of us sad.  

   

I continue to have a relationship with my parents.. but I do feel betrayed, angry, and hurt.  Feelings that I don't believe I will ever get over.  These were the two people that i should have been able to go to for "help" with out fear.  They proved me wrong and I will never be able to trust them again.  

   

I understand that Summer has her problems.  But I do believe that her parents should be doing everything in their power to get her help, and to keep that child with her - not them.    I understand wanting a better life for your child and feeling hopeless when comparing your messed up life to the stable life of your parents.  And numerous times, I felt the need to "do the right thing" and walk away.  But that need to be with my son was overwhelming.  I believed that my parents should have given me emotional support, HELPED me, fought BESIDE me to get my life back together.  Instead, they destroyed me even further.  Their's was the ultimate betrayal.  i was betrayed by my husband when he walked away from my health problems and my son.  I was betrayed by friends that couldn't understand what I was going through.   I felt betrayed by my employer who fired me due to my health problems.  I felt betrayed by my doctors who couldn't "figure out" what was wrong.  I went to the two people that I thought I could always count on to "help" - and they betrayed me too.    

I'm sure Summer feels the same. And trust me, it hurts.  I could have dealt with the other betrayals.. but I still am unable to deal with theirs.     

 
May 12, 2006, 8:36 am CDT

05/12 Toxic Relationships

I haven't watched this show yet but from the write up, I just don't understand something.  If these parents raised this girl and she is such a complete disaster at 29, why in the world would anybody give them another child to raise??!!  Dr Phil, what are you thinking to suggest that they raise her son?   

 
May 12, 2006, 8:36 am CDT

toxic relationship

Quote From: raineday1

I need an opinion.  I have been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years.  We have been living together a little over a year of that.  I have had immense trouble from his x-wife and also the relationship with his 10 year old daughter.  It’s been a very emotional relationship as far as being accepted into his side of the family.  His x-wife didn’t want the divorce and for years they had a traumatic marriage.  He ran around, cheated and for the life of me I don’t know why she stayed with him.  I knew him before his divorce, he would always tell me he was getting divorced trying to get me to go out with him and I would respond, you get a divorce and maybe we’ll go out.  He eventually moved out and got the divorce and we started dating.  I told him from the onset that I would never tolerate his treatment towards me as his relationship was with her.  In the beginning we did everything we could not to be around anywhere that she would be and considerate of her feelings.  Once we moved in together and she had actually dated others, we were invited to a party at his parent’s friend’s house whom she is friends with their daughter.  She was therefore, invited too.  It was his weekend to have their daughter and we had her with us at the party and had decided we would just stay a little while because of the situation and then leave.  His x-wife was drinking and glaring at me the whole time.  I walked into the house to use the restroom and as I opened the door to come out she was there before I even got the door open on top of me hitting me in the head and ribs with her fists until finally someone pulled her off of me.  I was lodged between the toilet and bathtub from the fall and all I could do was put my arms over my face to protect myself.  She done this with her daughter there, I was shocked.  Because of the circumstance being at his parent’s friend’s house and due to the fact that she’s friend with their daughter nobody would call the police.  Therefore, we immediately left and went to the local Sheriff’s department and I pressed assult charges and then went to the hospital where I had golf ball sized lumps on my head and cracked ribs.  We ended up going to court and my boyfriend’s sister-in-law appeared that day as well along with his x-wife to support her which caused more hard feelings of course.  Once this happened everything, including my relationship with my boyfriend’s daughter became very complicated and has been very painful in many ways over the last year.    

   

  

When I first met his daughter she was accepting of me and liked me.  I got along fine with her and it seemed to be pretty easy going after all the worry about it.  Once this all took place, his daughter was caught up in the middle and basically her mother turned her against me.  She knows full well that we do not like each other and because of that evening we can’t be in the same place.  The x-wife is still on probation and has a restraining order on her to protect me.  She has pushed it several times appearing where we are and calling our house hanging up, it’s been endless.  

   

  

The problem now is I cannot deal with anything that involves the x-wife or the child.  It has made our relationship so difficult that I am afraid in the end it’s going to destroy us.  I don’t’ know how we have made it together enduring everything but somehow we have.  One day, my boyfriend had to work on Saturday so he tells her she can stay with me until he’s home and she gets hysterical and says that if she does, her Mom will ground her and she will be in trouble.  We tried to explain that it wouldn’t be her that got into trouble, if her Mom was going to be mad at anyone it would be us.  Also, we tried to explain that when she is at our house, for his weekend visitations, it’s his decision to make.  This is where the trouble really began.  The problem is anytime he has to work on the weekend, he has to call her Mother and take her home early in the morning or the evening before, or he’ll call all around looking for a sitter.  Because her Mother says she can’t be with me or go anywhere with me, he goes along with this not to complicate things but the only thing it’s doing is hurting me more and more and making me feel despise towards this child because it’s causing us so much trouble.  I rarely talk to her unless I have to, and I keep my distance because frankly I have been hurt more times than I can possibly mention on here over this whole situation.  Last weekend, he had to work and we had her and so he called his sister to come and get her at 10 on Friday night and then picked up back up on Saturday rather than her just stay at the house.  If I were a bad person, if it was not a good environment then I would understand.  I have raised two wonderful children whom are 19 and 21.  My daughter just finished her freshman year in college.  I would never have lost my control so bad with my kids around to assult someone.  She has done so much damage to this child mentally that I fear it will scar her for the rest of her life and to be honest the child is getting to be just like her Mother.  She even called our house one time and insisted to her father that he break up with me because she didn’t like me and that her Mother broke up with her boyfriend because she didn’t like him.  Her mother told a huge lie to her, it was the man that broke it off with her because he didn’t feel she was someone he would like to take home and meet his kids.  The child will do anything that she knows will cause conflict between her father and I.  He is blinded by this whole ordeal and thinks I need to just get over it and that I shouldn’t let any of this bother me.  His justification for not putting his foot down while she’s at our house and just saying look you’ll stay here until I get home is that I wouldn’t have allowed my x-husbands girlfriend to watch my kids while they were little.  I said if they were living together in a serious relationship I would have no choice.  It’s a lost cause and I do try to just harden myself to it and it’s why I have to block the child out as well because I am tired of being made to feel that I am not worthy enough for this child to stay with me.  Although, I am good enough to go shopping for her, cook her dinner, buy her Christmas, birthday gifts, my paycheck goes into this too as well as what he pays in child support.  He does not correct this child, anything she wants, he agrees even if he knows that I don’t agree with it.  I do not try to be her parent, or I do not set her rules as well as I don’t say anything about discipline I don’t feel it’s my place.  I let him do that or not do that it’s not my concern.  He pushes her on me, trying to force me to have a relationship with her, saying you don’t love my daughter when we get into fights over it and he doesn’t even try to understand my feelings.  I see her as her Mother and frankly just a downright spoiled brat.  I know some of this isn’t her fault and I know she’s suffered too, but I just cannot set myself up for anymore hurt by any of them.  I have a huge wall built up.  My problem is, I don’t know how to keep it from affecting our relationship.  I can’t even talk to him about his kid, he’s so blinded and it’s quite sickening the way he goes on about her that I don’t’ want to hear anything about her.  He even has said well your daughter can babysit her and that’s another problem he’ll throw up to me that I think my daughter is perfect and I say I know she isn’t perfect, but she’s mine and I love her and she’s a pretty good kid.  I know she has faults just like they all do.  

   

  

I’m sure someone else has had this type of circumstance with their boyfriend’s kid(s) or stepchildren and how do you handle the x-wife and him going along with her rules because he can’t stand up to her and the bad feelings towards the kid(s).  I feel so immature over it and I keep thinking is it me, my fault why can’t I get over it but I just can’t.  I’m actually going to be going to counseling at the end of the month to get a professional opinion.  I feel very vindictive and angry with the whole situation and it is hurting our relationship.  I’ve seriously considered leaving him to get away from it all.  I’d love to hear from anyone that may have some advice. Good or bad thank you.    

Hi, My opinion?Run away from this man and his family fast and far. That's what I should have done 12 years ago.My husbands x went above and beyond to make sure I never helped with school pick ups. They would miss religious instruction instead of relying on me for the transportation. Do u believe I have never me her? I got in over my head but I didn't know it at the time and truly believe I could make a positive contribution to my husband and his 2 boys. I was certain that my husband would see how "evil" ( and I don't use this term lightly) his x is and fight for custody of his children. Well. They are 14 and 16 now and they have no friends outside of school hours. The oldest has become a the husband of the house and they live in an isolated part of town where the only person that comes over to the house is their dad 3 day a week. These boys have been emotionally abused and there is nothing I can do. My husband kinda of sees what I see but he is so affraid to cause turmoil that he has done nothing of any weight to help - he seems paralyzed. I have him in therapy and the therapist understands the whole picture but he can only help so much. Had I known that my husband would never fight for his children's well being I would have never married him. He told me from our first encounter that his kid came first and I believed him and loved him for it but I know know he is probably as sick as his x and together they are raising their children to be the same. I truly mean it don't stay with this man you heart will continue to break. I have a son now so I feel I must work my marriage out and do what ever it takes but I am sooooo frustrated right now.Hope this helps you. Chrissylil
 
May 12, 2006, 8:43 am CDT

Summer's Behavior

This is for Gay and MG,  

I think you are dealing with an adult child on crystal meth. Her behavior is exactly like my 36 year old child. We have had no contact with her for close to 2 years now because she is extremely toxic. She had been on meth for a long time and we were too naive to see it.  As I look back, I see now all the symptoms and they are those of your daughter, Summer.  Manipulation, anger, blame, exaggerated illnesses, guilt, excuses, verbal abuse, self-destructive behavior, etc. It hurts soooooo much to see this happen and be unable to help. I still send cards and gifts to my daughter but have no verbal or physical contact. I can only hope and pray she sees her problem and gets help and eventually comes back to us. This is what I want for you also. I write this to let you know you are not alone.  

God Bless  

 
May 12, 2006, 8:44 am CDT

AH HA!

Quote From: mumma1

    curly,  

           your last paragraph struck a cord with me in my situation with my child and his father and fathers mother! 

Is it one of those moments? When you said your father's mother... 

Yeah me too. When my stepson graduated from High school 

all of my hubby's family came and he got $2,000.00! The next year my 

daughter graduated and only my FIL came and she got $75.00. 

When I divorced her dad his family will have nothing to do with  

her so she has me and I am not going to let my H or anyone tell 

me I can't have anything to do with her! 

  

My H keeps telling me that his family loves my daughter the same,  

I beg to differ. She is just not accepting them he says. How are they 

showing her support and love and acceptance? THEY AREN'T! 

  

That is what I mean! Their PERCEPTION is not the same as mine  

and so he says I am off in my thinking. It really makes you question 

yourself!! IT is tough! 

 
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