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Topic : Should We Get Pregnant?

Number of Replies: 184
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:56:08 pm
Author : dataimport
It is a question most marriages face - when is it right to add a family member? Share your answers with us!

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December 20, 2006, 9:05 am CST

Out of time.....Baby or divorce

Hello, I'm new to this board and joined because I feel I have nowhere else to go. I need help asap. I'm 37, been with my husband for almost 15 years, no kids. He has always wanted kids and I have not. It is a HUGE issue with us and always has been. He thought I would "come around" and I hoped he'd love me enough that it wouldn't matter. Almost two months ago he gave me an ultimatum, have a baby or get divorced. He said he wants a kid that bad. He said he doesn't want a divorce, he wants a baby with me. I don't feel the same about the baby thing. I'm not 37 without kids for the heck of it. I have never had "those" feelings. So now I'm almost stuck. Did I mention I don't have a "real" job that I can support myself, dog, and horses on? I keep trying to "talk myself into it", but I've had no success. The more I think about having to do this to keep my husband, the more angry and stressed I become. I'm to the point I find myself going over and over all the scenarios in my head, telling him fine, go ahead and leave, and then tryiing to imagine being alone and in the dating world again, losing the life I know, wondering if that is what I really should do, is it the right or best thing for both of us, or is this wrong and I will regret it. I really don't know what to do. That's why I'm here. I know some people are going to tell me I'm being selfish, but I don't want to have a kid and regret it. I don't want to not have one and regret that either. The reality of being pregnant, giving birth, taking care of a baby, and raising a child is just too much....it's over whelming to me. And, I don't feel like other people sound....meaning they all get excited about getting pregnant and all that stuff. I deal with animals, literally, I ride and train horses, give lessons (yes, to children as well as adults) and used to work at a kennel full of dogs. I totally am comfortable with animals. The opposite applies to kids....that is non-horse kids. I don't have a problem teaching children to ride.....the ages I deal with are teenage and up. I am sooooooo stressed, nervous, worried, depressed, and etc. over this. I need help. Can anyone out there give me some good honest advice?

 
January 1, 2007, 8:38 pm CST

What are you both really looking for?

Quote From: lostpony

Hello, I'm new to this board and joined because I feel I have nowhere else to go. I need help asap. I'm 37, been with my husband for almost 15 years, no kids. He has always wanted kids and I have not. It is a HUGE issue with us and always has been. He thought I would "come around" and I hoped he'd love me enough that it wouldn't matter. Almost two months ago he gave me an ultimatum, have a baby or get divorced. He said he wants a kid that bad. He said he doesn't want a divorce, he wants a baby with me. I don't feel the same about the baby thing. I'm not 37 without kids for the heck of it. I have never had "those" feelings. So now I'm almost stuck. Did I mention I don't have a "real" job that I can support myself, dog, and horses on? I keep trying to "talk myself into it", but I've had no success. The more I think about having to do this to keep my husband, the more angry and stressed I become. I'm to the point I find myself going over and over all the scenarios in my head, telling him fine, go ahead and leave, and then tryiing to imagine being alone and in the dating world again, losing the life I know, wondering if that is what I really should do, is it the right or best thing for both of us, or is this wrong and I will regret it. I really don't know what to do. That's why I'm here. I know some people are going to tell me I'm being selfish, but I don't want to have a kid and regret it. I don't want to not have one and regret that either. The reality of being pregnant, giving birth, taking care of a baby, and raising a child is just too much....it's over whelming to me. And, I don't feel like other people sound....meaning they all get excited about getting pregnant and all that stuff. I deal with animals, literally, I ride and train horses, give lessons (yes, to children as well as adults) and used to work at a kennel full of dogs. I totally am comfortable with animals. The opposite applies to kids....that is non-horse kids. I don't have a problem teaching children to ride.....the ages I deal with are teenage and up. I am sooooooo stressed, nervous, worried, depressed, and etc. over this. I need help. Can anyone out there give me some good honest advice?

Your husband wants a child, but does he want a "baby" or will an older child be something he would consider?

As far as yourself, the physical aspects of pregnancy are indeed a huge consideration (I've been there a few times and it's not all the happy experience they show on TV).  It does however have a fixed time requirement and pregnant women tend to get support from all corners, even complete strangers.

Is adoption something either of you are willing to consider?

Have you considered becoming foster parents?  It would give you a chance to see if you could take some of the challenges while still allowing you the option of being able to admit defeat.  With your background with animals I would think you could really help some kids who might need another kind of outlet for their development.

As concerned as you are, you sound like you would make a great mother/mentor and there is something to the thought that even if you don't like other people's kids you may find your own are amazing.

Just some things to think about.

 
January 7, 2007, 6:32 pm CST

Should We Get Pregnant?

Quote From: lostpony

Hello, I'm new to this board and joined because I feel I have nowhere else to go. I need help asap. I'm 37, been with my husband for almost 15 years, no kids. He has always wanted kids and I have not. It is a HUGE issue with us and always has been. He thought I would "come around" and I hoped he'd love me enough that it wouldn't matter. Almost two months ago he gave me an ultimatum, have a baby or get divorced. He said he wants a kid that bad. He said he doesn't want a divorce, he wants a baby with me. I don't feel the same about the baby thing. I'm not 37 without kids for the heck of it. I have never had "those" feelings. So now I'm almost stuck. Did I mention I don't have a "real" job that I can support myself, dog, and horses on? I keep trying to "talk myself into it", but I've had no success. The more I think about having to do this to keep my husband, the more angry and stressed I become. I'm to the point I find myself going over and over all the scenarios in my head, telling him fine, go ahead and leave, and then tryiing to imagine being alone and in the dating world again, losing the life I know, wondering if that is what I really should do, is it the right or best thing for both of us, or is this wrong and I will regret it. I really don't know what to do. That's why I'm here. I know some people are going to tell me I'm being selfish, but I don't want to have a kid and regret it. I don't want to not have one and regret that either. The reality of being pregnant, giving birth, taking care of a baby, and raising a child is just too much....it's over whelming to me. And, I don't feel like other people sound....meaning they all get excited about getting pregnant and all that stuff. I deal with animals, literally, I ride and train horses, give lessons (yes, to children as well as adults) and used to work at a kennel full of dogs. I totally am comfortable with animals. The opposite applies to kids....that is non-horse kids. I don't have a problem teaching children to ride.....the ages I deal with are teenage and up. I am sooooooo stressed, nervous, worried, depressed, and etc. over this. I need help. Can anyone out there give me some good honest advice?

Don't have kids for any other reason than you want kids and you think you can provide them with a good home. If you have kids for any other reason you will get resentful. This is bad for you, bad for your husband and VERY bad for kids.

Maybe it's time you and your husband went your separate ways.

Why did you two stay together for so long with this HUGE of a difference?
 
January 18, 2007, 10:41 am CST

What to do?!?

Hello, I am new to thismessage board thing and this is my first one.  My husband and I have talked about kids for awhile and have finally decided to start trying.  I know to a lot of people it seems like I am young, 22, to have children but we have preparing to be ready for awhile and I know I want them in my heart. Also, my husband's mom was around 40 when she has him and she passed away when he was 14 years old.  We have both decided we wanted them young so we would be around as long as possible. 

The problem is my husband just told me the other night that one thing that made him unsure in the past about us have a child is the weight I might gain and never loose after the baby.  I know where he is coming from.  A lot of our friends have had kids and the woman have gained up to 80 lbs and never lost it years after.  Is this a red flag?  Is the fact that my husband is worried about something like that a sign that we aren’t ready.  I hope not, but maybe my want to have a child is blinding me?  Or do a lot of men have this fear?

 

 
January 18, 2007, 12:34 pm CST

I was there!

Quote From: purplepenny

Don't have kids for any other reason than you want kids and you think you can provide them with a good home. If you have kids for any other reason you will get resentful. This is bad for you, bad for your husband and VERY bad for kids.

Maybe it's time you and your husband went your separate ways.

Why did you two stay together for so long with this HUGE of a difference?
hey there! I just want you to know that I was there at one point in my life and I know EXACTLY how you feel. I didn't want kids for the longest time, my husband wanted them, blah, blah blah. Then I decided that I would make a compromise. I knew that I might want a kid one day so I told my husband this: we have one child; that's it. I understand the nature of your job is very stressful, I work as a special education teacher myself so kids are a big part of my life anyways, however, I also wanted to finish my education and I knew I wouldn't be able to do it with a bunch of kids strapped to me so I decided to have one child and be done with it. I also understand that had I not reached that compromise, I wouldn't be with my husband because I didn't want to waste his time when he could be having kids with someone else. I know that sounds painful and I couldn't imagine life without him but I couldn't imagine crushing his dreams either. Just think about that...
 
January 18, 2007, 12:36 pm CST

oops, wrong recipient

Quote From: crazydaisy

hey there! I just want you to know that I was there at one point in my life and I know EXACTLY how you feel. I didn't want kids for the longest time, my husband wanted them, blah, blah blah. Then I decided that I would make a compromise. I knew that I might want a kid one day so I told my husband this: we have one child; that's it. I understand the nature of your job is very stressful, I work as a special education teacher myself so kids are a big part of my life anyways, however, I also wanted to finish my education and I knew I wouldn't be able to do it with a bunch of kids strapped to me so I decided to have one child and be done with it. I also understand that had I not reached that compromise, I wouldn't be with my husband because I didn't want to waste his time when he could be having kids with someone else. I know that sounds painful and I couldn't imagine life without him but I couldn't imagine crushing his dreams either. Just think about that...
I meant to write to the lady who was adament about not having kids with a husband who does. sorry
 
January 26, 2007, 1:27 pm CST

Should We Get Pregnant?

Quote From: purplepenny

Don't have kids for any other reason than you want kids and you think you can provide them with a good home. If you have kids for any other reason you will get resentful. This is bad for you, bad for your husband and VERY bad for kids.

Maybe it's time you and your husband went your separate ways.

Why did you two stay together for so long with this HUGE of a difference?
Thanks for your response. Looking back RIGHT now I don't know why we've stayed together other than we are both blind, stupid, and didn't plan the marriage (as Dr. Phil puts it)......I thought or hoped I could get him to change his mind or would love me enough that it wouldn't matter. I know he thought (because he's said so) that he thought I would change my mind eventually. He says it will make me "grow up" and that he has always wanted to be a dad. I'm so angry and resentful at this point that I'm thinking, "he's the one that wanted kids, he should have thought about that more and pursued discussing the issue before we married, not now". I probably sound like I'm so awful to some people, but I just don't think I see myself with a baby/kid....I've tried picturing it, but still don't know if I should. I mean I know I shouldn't under the circumstances, but I honestly don't want to regret not having one down the road. He really doesn't know how upset I am at him....and I'm not ready to rock the boat until I have a decision. Thanks for listening.
 
January 26, 2007, 2:51 pm CST

Should We Get Pregnant?

Quote From: melaniemaire

Hello, I am new to thismessage board thing and this is my first one.  My husband and I have talked about kids for awhile and have finally decided to start trying.  I know to a lot of people it seems like I am young, 22, to have children but we have preparing to be ready for awhile and I know I want them in my heart. Also, my husband's mom was around 40 when she has him and she passed away when he was 14 years old.  We have both decided we wanted them young so we would be around as long as possible. 

The problem is my husband just told me the other night that one thing that made him unsure in the past about us have a child is the weight I might gain and never loose after the baby.  I know where he is coming from.  A lot of our friends have had kids and the woman have gained up to 80 lbs and never lost it years after.  Is this a red flag?  Is the fact that my husband is worried about something like that a sign that we arent ready.  I hope not, but maybe my want to have a child is blinding me?  Or do a lot of men have this fear?

 

Welcome to the board. I'm new myself, and normally read more than I talk.

I don't think your husbands concerns means that you are not ready. First of all, it is a good thing that he is sharing them with you, and you seem to be putting good thought into them also! I think it is important to make a plan of attack for baby weight. Getting into as good of shape as you can before the pregnancy will help the weight come off easier afterwards, Making a plan for after the birth will probably help him feel a bit more at ease with the whole process, and let him know that you are determined to work on it! It may take a little while, but if you make goals clear, and keep them afterwards, it should be fine.

Of course, in a marriage, he should love you even if you do pack on a few extra pounds. But I can understand not wanting you to become extemely overweight. But, I know tons of moms who have been in shape beforehand, and done very well with getting in shape afterwards. It can be done, but like anything, it just takes some will power and keeping up with your goals!

 
February 1, 2007, 2:23 pm CST

concerned

I can understand you being ready, I am 24 and pregnant with my first child it took us 6 years to get pregnant. I was 18 when we started. I know am afraid I still am not as ready as I should be but I know in my heart I will give this baby all the love I can. the part that would concern me is that your husband is concerned about your weight whic to me sounds like he loves you for your body. what you should be concerned about is finances, parenting, child care, work... and so on. but to the plus side, while you are pregnant you really do need diet and excersize that your doctor will tell yo all about. most woan that I know just go hog wild on food and don't excersize at all and that is how you gain a lot of weight..  also, it takes your body at least a full year to heal from having a baby and while you are healing you should be excersizing (it truly is te key to weight loss). there are a lot of options but what scares me is that he is mostly concerned about your looks. I don't think you to yong but I do think he may be to immature! 
 
February 5, 2007, 1:42 pm CST

I am afraid I could be pregnant?!?

My husband and I have been married for nearly 13 years.  We had fertility problems from the start.  I was 26 when we got married he was 23.  We didn't want to wait to be parents.  After nearly 10 years of alot of pain and anguish and feelings of failure we embarked on the journey of foster parenting.  After three years we adopted three of the boys that had been in our home and were adoptable, one was 10 weeks old when he joined our hearts and he is now 3; one was 6 months and is now 3; the other was 5 and is now 8.  We had three newborns in our home for considerable amounts of time but were ultimalety reunited with familiy.  What a feeling!  I could almost feel their pain of not being able to be with their children or grandchildren.  I could relate and not judge their mistakes.  I was quite a unique foster parent.  I truly wanted to work with parents for reunification.  I felt like I knew their pain.  There has never been a doubt that God created my husband and I to be the parents of the three angels we call our sons.  They are ours and have always been in our hearts.  These boys are our chlidren. 

 

That being said, we turned in our fostering license to give our boys some semblence of pernancy.  We didn't want to have children coming and going and they never understand what a famliy is.  Plus we felt like we had a family that needed all of our attention and had our plates full.  Long story short, after all this time, I haven't had a cycle since the end of November.  I feel so stupid and hypocritical for have conflicting feelings, but I am scared to death.  I know my famliy will come down on me hard for being "irresponsible", it took along time for them to accept our children and they are always saying I know have more than I can say grace over.  My husband's family has secretly taken bets that this would happen.  I have been so stressed over different things in my life lately I really didn't notice until this past week I had been so late.  I know in the end I will be elated and very grateful and know that this is a precious gift from God, but right now I am scared to death.  After 15 years of unnecessary birth control, how could I know I needed now.  Matter of fact I have been diagnosed with fibroid tumors in the last six months and this really is coming from left field.  Am I crazy to have these mixed emotions.  I will be 40 years old in several months.  My husband and I have worked hard to get financially on board and can actually see a light at the end of the tunnel.  We have wanted nothing but to be responsible and be able to take care of the children we brought into our home.  Now I feel so irresponsible. Thanks for being a sounding board.  I can't sound off to anyone, they have all been there through our infertility and I don't know if anyone can understand how incredibly stupid and hypocritical for feeling the way I feel right now.

 
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