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Topic : Should We Get Pregnant?

Number of Replies: 184
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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:56:08 pm
Author : dataimport
It is a question most marriages face - when is it right to add a family member? Share your answers with us!

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February 9, 2007, 8:26 am CST

To Have Another Child Or Not TO Have Another Child That Is The Question

I am a 34 year old male who is separated with two children ages 7 and 9 whom live with their mother in another state. I am with a 47 year old woman who has a 21 year old daughter and a fifteen year old son who is with their father. Her family was an extremely dysfunctional family and a lot of things occurred that shouldn't have because she was always in a drug induced haze from all the medications that she was having to take for her various health and mental problems. My girl friend has a lot of mental problems resulting from being in a past marriage where her husband used to physically and mentally abuse her. Her exhusband wants to find her and kill her and has brainwashed her son into wanting to do the same thing. She also has a lot of medical issues as well. Two year ago she ended up giving custody of her son to her exhusband at my suggestion because she had told me that her bipolar son was being very hostile and was chasing her and her daughter around the house with kitchen knives because he was acting out due to his father not being active in his life. I even suggested a boot camp for him which when a representative called her about a boot camp he heard the message and became very angry with his mother. To this day I feel I am the one responsible for destroying her relationship with her son, even though she tells me it wasn't my fault. She was eventually forced to give complete custody over to her exhusband because of his manipulating her and basicaslly threatening her. As a result of this she has a lot of trauma behind this and suffers with severe depression because she misses her son and on a few occasions has tried to kill herself because of an inability to deal with life in general. One of the reasons I got with her in the first place was because I thought I could make her life better and show her the love that she so richly deserves and has not had and possibly fill that hole in her heart from not having her son or even knowing his whereabouts. Now I know that that is impossible so what is one to do? Recently, whenever her and I would make love she would get kind of cranky afterwards. The reason for this is because I felt that with all the health issues and mental problems that she has not to mention my financial situation as well as personal situation with my own kids that I get to see maybe once a year if I am lucky that I should use protection to make sure she doesn't get pregnant. This has become a problem in our relationship because she wants to have a child with me and I do not because of the aforementioned reasons. It got to the point that I finally agreed to not use protection with her as a means of possibly filling that void within her resulting from her not having her son and maybe as a means of keeping her alive. Not to mention I kind of don't feel right about doing that now because of my own situation with my own kids. What should I do? I am so torn in this situation.  I am scared to death that I may have made a serious mistake in giving in to her. Any help would be appreciated in this huge mess of a situation.
 
March 12, 2007, 10:14 am CDT

Throw Mama From The Train



"I have a question for you....I got my girlfriend pregnant however she mentions that she cares for me but does not love me, guess you don't  have to love someone to have their kid
On the night we found out she was pregnant with the home pregnancy test
she almost had a nervous break down because she couldn't belive that
she got pregnant and was not in love. She had asked me to leave because
a friend was coming over to be with her at this time... When she had
asked if I wanna know who I said who Fran, she said no John: Her ex
boyfriend John was coming over to consul her, he stayed for an hour,
after,,,, that she called me back to invite me back over and said she needed
to get someone�s advice who was non bias...She had not seen Jonathan in
1 year how ever she mentions to me that she will include me but would
like him to be part of it too (lol).....She still loves John and
believes they will get back together and get married but John doesn't love her
anymore and is a good friend and tells her he sees no future with her
but will be there if he needs her��

So my question is: Should I let her follow her heart and let her and
try to rekindle an old past love so she can finally get closure and
finally realize its over or maybe it's not... Isn't it weird to let your old
boyfriend take part in the pregnancy even though it's not his...He did go
with her to the first ultrasound...She did ask me how much did I want to
be involved and got my answer..For some reason she prefers John at
this time and me, John said he can be there but itss up to me since I am
the father and I should be there instead of him�

looking forward to your reply....


P.S. my wife doesn't know....

Ricky"
 
March 22, 2007, 10:10 am CDT

Marriage is not necessary

Quote From: compassion

I argree with kelly but also might I add,if you guys thought of getting married??If not then don't even think about kids,you two need to commit as a couple before committing to a child together.And even if you get married,wait a long time a few years to get to know one another better.....hellO!!!!

It is not necessary to be married. You can have a commited relationship without being married. My parents are married, but only married when I was 12 years old. They are great parents, before and after they were married. I was born when my mother was only 21 years old. My parents knew they wanted to have me more than anything in the world. But they decided not to get married yet because they weren't sure they believed in marriage. After me they has a son and another daughter. I am 21 and live in my own appartment, but I visit my family home at least 3 times a week because we have a great relationship as a family.

Maybe I see marriage differently because I am Dutch and we have a different view on marriage than most Americans do. For Dutch people it is very easy to get a contract were you and your partner state that you live together and share the responsibility of children. You then receive the same rights and duties as married people.

Marriage is a piece of paper. It is the love between two people and the work they dedicate to their relationship that makes them a commited couple. Census Bureau's Statistical Abstract of the U.S states that in the year 200140 % of every marriage in the US ended in divorce. So being married doesn't necessarily mean happily ever after.

 
March 23, 2007, 4:47 am CDT

deciding on whether to have one more child.

I am 35 years old and have 2 wonderful/busy boys - ages 10 and 7.  Lately, I can feel my clock just  ticking away.  I really feel that I want to have one more.  I had healthy pregnancies and easy deliveries and I think I can tackle this again.  On the other hand, my husband is still "thinking about it."  He thinks that there will be too much of an age difference between the kids.  He also feels that it would be hard on me to "start over again."  I feel I am ready to do this.  I think that the boys would make wonderful helpers.  I don't want to wait too much longer and then regret that I never had one more. 

 
April 23, 2007, 8:59 am CDT

??????

Quote From: moviespo



"I have a question for you....I got my girlfriend pregnant however she mentions that she cares for me but does not love me, guess you don't  have to love someone to have their kid
On the night we found out she was pregnant with the home pregnancy test
she almost had a nervous break down because she couldn't belive that
she got pregnant and was not in love. She had asked me to leave because
a friend was coming over to be with her at this time... When she had
asked if I wanna know who I said who Fran, she said no John: Her ex
boyfriend John was coming over to consul her, he stayed for an hour,
after,,,, that she called me back to invite me back over and said she needed
to get someones advice who was non bias...She had not seen Jonathan in
1 year how ever she mentions to me that she will include me but would
like him to be part of it too (lol).....She still loves John and
believes they will get back together and get married but John doesn't love her
anymore and is a good friend and tells her he sees no future with her
but will be there if he needs her

So my question is: Should I let her follow her heart and let her and
try to rekindle an old past love so she can finally get closure and
finally realize its over or maybe it's not... Isn't it weird to let your old
boyfriend take part in the pregnancy even though it's not his...He did go
with her to the first ultrasound...She did ask me how much did I want to
be involved and got my answer..For some reason she prefers John at
this time and me, John said he can be there but itss up to me since I am
the father and I should be there instead of him

looking forward to your reply....


P.S. my wife doesn't know....

Ricky"
LOL. Sorry, but I can't tell if you are really serious about this post so I cannot help you. If there really is a pregnancy and a new life on the way, my deepest payers and positive energy go out to this child. Sounds like he/she will be in for a tough road with you two as parents!
 
April 23, 2007, 12:29 pm CDT

Should We Get Pregnant?

Quote From: phoenie

Hi there! Im 21 years old and have been dating my boyfriend for 5 years now.  I am currently a student and my boyfirend works.  We have been sexually active for 3 years now, and I want to know if u think we are ready for a baby.  I really want one now and have been trying to get pregnant even though my boyfriend doesnt know this.Please. . . . . . . I really need some advice. 

  

Phoenie from South Africa 

To be honest with you I would wait. I would finish school, and sit and have that discussion with your boyfriend. I really don't think your ready for a baby it takes a lot of work and you don't know what complications you might come across during and after your pregnancy. I wish I would of finished college before I started to have children, It's still my goal but now I have to pay for child care ( which isn't cheep) and it takes my time away from my son I currently have one on the way. I husband is in the army so we are financially OK. My biggest fear is that something happening to my husband and I don't have anything to fall back on. There is a lot to think through. I would even talk to a premarital counselor about your situation.  
 
May 16, 2007, 3:20 am CDT

Want to get pregnant immediately when i finish my studies?

I am 25yrs of age and expecting to finish my degree next year this time around my boyfriend is 23yrs is is working for the government he has a diploma. I fill i have to have a child be4 i find a job caz atleast i want to take care of the child for a year b4 i leave the child home an off to work. my boyfriend is not ready to have a child, he says he want to have a child after marriage. but i disagree with him caz i am not getting any yonger and i dont think he is ready 4 a marriage either as i also am not ready 4 it. all i want is a child for now then marraige later when we are both ready. i am affraid to have a baby when i am older, i believe then it wld be the rite age for me to have a baby. and i am also affraid to leave my kid when he 2 small at home. there is another proble my boyfriend doent think i am fit enough to raise a kid, he says if we have one the he should be the one to raise him caz where i come from he belie the villagers are not displined like where he come from, so he want a very displined kid. i am not saying i am not displined only becaz most of the kids in my village i not he bilieves it is nt a gud place to raise a kid, but i disagree with him caz i belive u as a parent should be responsible 4 ur own kid and show her/him the rite ways in life, yes if i let my kid follow the way others are then it wont be displine, i am supposed to be the one to teach in the displine, that hw i fill. i also drink beer but i am not an addict, i can control my drinking caz i drink only when i want to and i can afford it and when the situation allows me to(if it is time for school work its time for school work i dont go 4 drinking), but my boyfriend believe i will leave the kid and go to drink, when i try to explain to him all this he says he doesnt trust me. so should i force him to make the baby or shld i just wait 4 him to be ready and trust me. is the clock ticking or i am just being paranoid. also what is the oldest age safe to have a baby incase he wld want a child several yrs to come?

 
May 31, 2007, 9:35 am CDT

When to quit?????

My boyfriend and I have been together almost 6 years. He was going through a divorce when we met and that lasted about 3 years. He has 3 girls with his ex and I have a son.  I so badly want to have a child with this man. I had my son at an early age and did not get to enjoy being pregnant or anything. He does not want to have anymore children.  My problem is that he will not commit to me by marriage or by having a child with me. He said he is afraid that if he marries me he will loose me, (relating to his first marriage). We got pregnant a year and a half ago, and he would not fathom the thought of us having this baby. He said the time was not right, we could not afford another child and that we just could not have this child. So I did the unforgivable and unforgetable and had an abortion, hoping that later the time would be right and he would see how much this has hurt me and maybe change his mind. He has given me false hope for a long time. Well ever since the abortion, I have dreams all of the time about having this beautiful baby growing inside of me and it hurts so much. He does not like to talk about it, so I deal with the pain of what I have done alone. I have regretted my decision every single day since. If I would have known that he was never going to change his mind, I would have kept my baby and kicked his ass to the curb. Well, I had one of these dreams lastnight and he asked me why I sounded so down this morning, and I told him about the dreams that I have all of the time. Then I asked him if we were going to ever try and have another baby (like I really deserve that chance again) and he said no, never. What do I do? I love him so much, but I don't think it is fair to either one of us to stay in this relationship, me wanting this so bad, and him not. Someone, PLEASE help me!!!!!!
 
June 11, 2007, 9:52 am CDT

Freedom is a state of mind

Quote From: ccdakota

My boyfriend and I have been together almost 6 years. He was going through a divorce when we met and that lasted about 3 years. He has 3 girls with his ex and I have a son.  I so badly want to have a child with this man. I had my son at an early age and did not get to enjoy being pregnant or anything. He does not want to have anymore children.  My problem is that he will not commit to me by marriage or by having a child with me. He said he is afraid that if he marries me he will loose me, (relating to his first marriage). We got pregnant a year and a half ago, and he would not fathom the thought of us having this baby. He said the time was not right, we could not afford another child and that we just could not have this child. So I did the unforgivable and unforgetable and had an abortion, hoping that later the time would be right and he would see how much this has hurt me and maybe change his mind. He has given me false hope for a long time. Well ever since the abortion, I have dreams all of the time about having this beautiful baby growing inside of me and it hurts so much. He does not like to talk about it, so I deal with the pain of what I have done alone. I have regretted my decision every single day since. If I would have known that he was never going to change his mind, I would have kept my baby and kicked his ass to the curb. Well, I had one of these dreams lastnight and he asked me why I sounded so down this morning, and I told him about the dreams that I have all of the time. Then I asked him if we were going to ever try and have another baby (like I really deserve that chance again) and he said no, never. What do I do? I love him so much, but I don't think it is fair to either one of us to stay in this relationship, me wanting this so bad, and him not. Someone, PLEASE help me!!!!!!

first off from what I read it seems you didn't tell anyone but him about having an abortion.  I love men they're wonderful but sometimes (this is one of them) they just don't get it.  Even though I have 5 children I am pro-choice.  From what I can see you had excellent reasons for having an abortion at the time.  It is forgivable.  This is one of those things I don't believe a man is well equipped to understand women are the heart you know hes just thinking problem solved. Maybe it isn't fair but he can't know what it is to be pregnant. You see its just IMPOSSIBLE for him to understand. There's no blame there, its just nature. The reason I had to write back to you is because I hope you can forgive yourself. You don't deserve what you're putting yourself through.  You made a decision based on your beliefs at the time you have a son to care for you know already what it is to do this on your own and so you did what you thought was best.  If you believe differently now you can allow that without beating yourself up for who you were a year ago.  You know the woman you are today would not do such a thing, thats the beauty of life.  You are allowed to be happy to love yourself because you are still alive.  I feel you thought women would judge you but Nobody can judge you as harshly as you've judged yourself.  You've sentenced yourself to a life of regret and self doubt because you're human.  What you need to understand here is nobody is benefiting from your suffering. Not you not your bf or your son.  I don't know what the deeper spiritual issues are that you're facing what your religious beliefs are, I certainly won't impose my thoughts here on that matter.  I do know no matter what you believe forgiveness is probably a highly acceptable practice.  You can't undo what you've already done.   look ahead into your future with love and hope and then decide if this is the right man for you if you want to break up with him if you want more children.  If you can't do it alone find someone to help you, its time for you to let this go.  When you trust yourself again you'll make a better mother, lover and friend.  You'll be a better You and figuring out what to do next won't seem so hard.

 

Warmest Wishes,

 

April

 
June 11, 2007, 10:54 am CDT

Should We Get Pregnant?

Quote From: kittencat

My husband an I have been together for four and a half years, married for two and a half.  He has been ready to have a baby forever, but I am not so sure I am ready.  Don't get me wrong, I really want children.  I am just worried that I will be a horrible mother.   

  

I don't have a lot of "maternal insticts".  I am worried that I won't know when the baby needs changed, or I won't feed it enough, or I won't hold it right, or feed it the right foods.  My husband says that all of this is normal, but I don't know.  I was never around a lot of babies growing up (I'm an only child) and to this day I have only ever even held one newborn, much less took care of one.  

  

Are my fears normal?  Should we have children?  Will everything fall into place?  Or should I hold off ...   

I feel the same way so any input anyone has I would also be glad to hear.  Thanks!
 
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